In-laws give me the out
My problem is one of those sticky, awkward in law situations that many people inevitably face and I basically am asking for insight to see whether or not I'm overreacting to the whole thing.
If I am kindly feel free to let me know.
About a year ago my mother in law invited me on a trip overseas and said she would pay for me, my husband, and my two sister in laws.
I was happy to be included and discussions and plans were being made.
This was a place I had always wanted to go with my husband as well.
Then one day out of the blue I was told my mother in law could no longer pay for me and I had to pay my own way if I wanted to go.
The reason given was it was not fair that my brother in law was not going thus it was no longer fair for me to be paid for.
I was shocked and stunned as this had never been an issue and suddenly it was,so I said I was no longer interested in going as I felt very put off by it all.
My mother in law or sister in laws never mentioned anything else about it all to my face.
All communication came through my husband.
I never would have felt hurt if they had not included me from the get go and then excluded me.
Am I wrong to feel so hurt over this situation?
Am I wrong to feel hurt and angry with my husband for going anyway without me?
This trip was for my mothers in laws landmark birthday by the way.
I just really need advice and insight as to how it seems and how would you have reacted?
I'm so sorry this happened. How disappointing! And confusing! I'd be asking myself (and them) a lot of questions too.... Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Specifically, how hurt you are? Personally, I think the way it was handled was pretty insensitive. It was unnecessary to put you through that, and your husband in that position. Lots involved here so it's very hard to try and answer your question. I can tell you this; I'd be hurt too. You're entitled to your feelings. There is no wrong or right when it comes to emotion. You're hurt. You're feeling disappointed and confused. How long before they leave, and how has your relationship been with your in-laws since this happened? And, how have things been between you and your husband? If you haven't told him exactly how you feel, and why, I think you need to. Unless there's a lot more to this story that they've decided not to share with you (which I hope is not the case), I'd say you deserve at least some answers, and probably an apology. And not just from your husband. Hope this helps???
I'm going to second the recommendation to go through your husband. This is his family, so it's probably best that he take the lead in any communication.
I do think it's fair to tell him you're hurt, ask about the change, and possibly even tell him how you're hurt that he got to go and you didn't.
Something is VERY fishy here.
Go directly to this woman and ask what the travel arrangements are.
Get the story right from her.
Thank you all for your response. Confusing is definitely a good way to describe it.
Well basically when I was going the in laws spoke about the trip to me but then when I wasn't going they wouldn't mention the trip to me and it became the white elephant.....the subject was completely avoided.
My husband is currently on that trip which leaves me home with a lot of questions.
He did say he felt he was in an awkward spot and that he was gonna try and figure out some things from his older sister.
He reckons it's his mom and younger sister who did this.
I'm trying to take the high road as this could really cause a big argument between the families, it's happened before.
My husband is sorry but he says I should be mad at them not him as he is a bit caught between a rock and hard place.
By the way I would not stop him from going I would not think that is right .....it was just handled very badly and I'm hurt.
"Am I wrong to feel hurt and angry with my husband for going anyway without me?"
Well, I would be. I would expect my husband to either pay for me to go on this trip OR stay home.
This whole situation says something about your marriage: His mother and sisters come first and you have settled on being second best.
Is this the first time he has put his mother and sisters ahead of you, preferring to spend a vacation with his family instead of you?
I fear for your marriage.
Thank you for your reply.
It was my choice not to go at the end of the day, my husband was okay for us to pay for myself but after everything was said and done I did not feel like 'the girls' really wanted me to go so I decided to stay at home.
Why be somewhere you don't feel wanted and it would just be awkward then anyway.
My husband did mention not going but I also did not want to stop him from it as this was for his moms 60th birthday.
Yes this is the first time something like this has occurred.
I think also I would have been the 5th wheel so to speak.
4 in a car, two to a room and all that jazz.....one more would of had made it more expensive I suppose.
how was your relationship with your in-laws like?
"The reason given was it was not fair that my brother in law was not going thus it was no longer fair for me to be paid for."
sorry but i feel that the reason given was not good enough.
The first reason that came to mind on why they would do this is probably because of money. But when it comes to family, money is not really that important as long as everyone's happy on the trip.
I think you should find time to talk to your in laws about this. Only they know the reason why.
Thank you for your input.
I was close to one sister in law but she apparently is the one who complained about her husband not going.
I think it especially hurt coming from her.
The other sister in law is nice but I'm not that close to her.
The mother is a control freak there is no other way to put it.
My husband is the peacemaker and has been for many years.
The sisters go through bouts of not speaking, one brother in law does not speak to the father in law at all, nieces and nephews are not in contact.
I say this only to give an idea of what I'm dealing with.
Talking it out with them can cause a HUGE blow up, I know it and that is something I'm trying to avoid.
Maybe they really don't like me! Lol and now I know !
Maybe the mom in law just wanted it to be her children after all.
I don't know but thank you, you have given me something to think about.