Does he love me or want to be with me??
Hi i don't normally do this but I'm not sure what to do. I am recently divorced (almost 1 year ago) and i ran into my ex boyfriend from qhen i was 16,i am now almost 36. We have been friends throughout the years and seems like fate kept bringing us back to each other. We started dating and everything was great we have been living together for 9 months and he has proposed to me. We originally set the date for late june but then he wanted to get married in early February. He then changed his mind on the date but has not broken off the engagement. Now i am the first woman he has proposed to and he is almost 39. I asked him if he wanted to be married to me and he said he didnt know
Then i asked him what marriage meant to him and i dont remember the exact answer but it was a broad answer. I told him what marriage meant to me and we talked a bit more about it. Now thats that issue the other side of things is that he seems to think i am made of porcelain or something when it comes to sex. I have tried to be patient and tried to guide him but he seems adamant about this. Also he has been looking at posts from woman on Twitter and other sites. Now i know that most would say he is cheating but i know otherwise. When he isn't working he is driving me or his mom places or sleeping. He never gets to go anywhere alone. What i want to know is if he is afraid of commitment or if there is something that I should be adressing or worried about before I say i do.
Hmmm...well, he is engaged, which means that, yes, he probably wants to marry you. (Have you asked him if he's having doubts? IF he wants to move up the wedding, that doesn't sound like a resounding "no".)
Also, other posts aren't necessarily a bad thing. A lot of men (and women) have friends of the opposite gender, or at least don't want to close off their lives to them. Now if he's flirting heavily (or asking them out on dates or whatever), yeah, that's definitely NOT a good sign. But...if he's just interacting with women online and still wants to marry you, that sounds pretty normal to me.
Its not juat talking to poeple its nude pics from women on twitter and shit
I don't care if he and those women never touch skin-to-skin, it's still cheating. Cheating is a wedge. He may be playing around on its thinner end but, on the wedge he still is. So that's that established.
HOWEVER, there are many reasons for cheating or BEING SEEN POSSIBLY CHEATING, including LEVERAGE. But I'll get to that once you've answered this:
"and he has proposed to me. We originally set the date for late june but then he wanted to get married in early February. He then changed his mind on the date [YET WITHOUT BREAKING OFF THE ENGAGEMENT]"
Why? Did you make hum-ing and hah-ing noises about bring it forward?
No i was actually excited about it....but we dod talk about it and he wanted to wait until webhad more money saved up which was fone....i also gave him this today
“Our relationship and love for each other.”
Paul first of all you need to read this all the way through and thoroughly. This is not a “Dear John” letter and it is not a question of my love for you. This is a letter explaining to you how I feel and what I want from our relationship. So please read this all the way before you make any comments or decisions.
Honestly I don’t care about us getting married if its that big of a leap for you. I was doing it more to please mom and dad (and I don’t mean that the way it sounds ). I am truly just as happy just being with you.
1. With that said; I really need you to open up to me and tell me how you feel and not just brush shit aside. You really need to start showing your emotions. I feel like you are emotional unavailable most of the time.
2. We need to put our foot down about getting at least 1 day a week to ourselves with no running mom or Johnny anywhere.
3. I would like to have 1 hr a night of NO phones, laptops and just snuggle and watch tv.
4. Now for the biggest problem we have: SEX!!! I have really been trying to not push the issue of this but I need you to step up to the plate and start meeting my needs. I feel like you are not really trying to please me other than to make me cum. And there is a whole lot more than that to me when it comes to sex.
A. You are really lacking in the foreplay department.
B. I really do require foreplay, unlike guys who just have to get hard, I have to get in the mood and get my juices flowing.
C. Eating me out! I have made efforts to suck your cock and have seen no reciprocations of that effort. Just like I have been making sure to keep as clean shaven as I can for you.
D. Toys: please start trying to use my toys once and awhile when we have sex. I enjoy incorporating then into my sex life.
E. You initiating sex, I feel as if I am the one who has to start it all the time. I like to be pursued as well.
F. Experimentation of new things. Lets try new things during sex. Keep things interesting.
G. You are always telling me about what, where and how long you have done things with all these other females you have been with but I keep getting and I hate to use this word. “ mediocre “ sex most times. There are those times its great but not to often lately. And this is not meant as a blow to your ego or manhood.
As I originally stated this is what I want from our relationship and its not a question of our love.And I want you to give your own input and wants and desires.
He read it and for the first time we truly made "love" not just had sex. And he agreed to make an effort to meet some of my wants
Sorry for the vulgar language i forgot it was in there
(Later or tomorrow - bear with, "pant-pant!"...)
(Okay, I'll let you off.....as the actress said to the Bishop. ;-))
Thirty-nine and you're his first serious girlfriend (as in, enough to want to take it to the permanent)? A potential Red Flag, don't you think? Or was he locked in the loo that whole time? ;-p
Clear- and clean-talking letter (if insensitive in places), but...Are you really happy just to endlessly date him? If that were the case then why would you have accepted his proposal of engagement in the first place or then said Yes to bringing it forward? Does that compute?
"Paul first of all you need to read this all the way through and thoroughly."
He needs to be *told* to read something supposedly imperative all the way through and with befitting thought and concentration, i.e. you wouldn't trust him to the point of being able to take that need and courtesy for granted? Is that another Scooby clue?
How come he doesn't ALREADY know what you want from a relationship? Another Scoob clue?
You moved in with him after only a piddly 3 months, and then in another only 6 months he'd proposed marriage? Another clue?
He 'brushes sh*t aside' rather than wants to do his bit ('garden weeding') to keep your relationship garden happy and healthy? Ditto?
Let's cut to the chase with a translation of that letter of yours (numbering mine):
1. Please treat me/our relationship with the avid interest, care, respect and attentiveness of a man in-love with serious long-term intentions....unlike how you've thus far tended to behave.
2. Please starting behaving like a boyfriend by sharing your thoughts and feelings (or merely showing your presence in the relationship).
3. Please stop trying to avoid 'doing the weeding' as if you're someone who doesn't give enough of a sh*t if their relationship garden increasingly gets choked to death.
4. Please start treating me like a priority and star attraction with time-limitations of her own, rather than behaving like you take my love and time/energy for granted and I'm 2nd/3rd in the attentions queue.
5. Please show me either that you're genuinely interested in me as your permanent-to-be lover to the natural and normal extent of wanting to sh*g my brains out at every available moment, or at least be honest enough to ADMIT it if you never (initial attempts to impress thus hook me aside) had much of a libido to begin with (or not, in comparison to my own). And when you *do* sh*g me, please act like you enjoy it or like pleasing me as much and as well as yourself isn't a little too much like an awful lot of a hassle.
(Forget the toys, btw; you wouldn't want or need them to begin with if *he* were being 'the toy'! Right? ("Right!"))
6. Please want me enough to chase me and actually *mind* the emasculating situation of my constantly having to play wooing Tarzan to your simpering, waiting-to-receive Jane.
7. Please stop striking me as downright boring and uninspiring in bed.
I'm really quite surprised if, after reading that - *and* the serious insults to his sexual prowess spelled out tactlessly like that - he even had it IN him to respond by making-love to you properly for once! But, clearly he did. I guess that bit's impressive, anyway.
Let's just cut to the chase and hazard a guess that your ex-husband was a bit of a Hitler/monster and that, in your endeavour to pick anything *but* that type ("brrr!") again, you've done the usual human over-reaction of going for the distinct opposite...which tells me you haven't yet sorted out everything that was and happened in your marriage SO THAT you know which qualities and behaviours were indicative of a git; which were only git-ish in the context of who you are and how you like things (incompatibility); which were innocence misinterpreted at the time; which git-ish behaviours were less his and more your own (or again, only in the context of the mismatched ingredients of you and he)... ergo what to look for next time (and what to avoid like that plague). Hence you're now *missing* qualities and behaviours that in actual fact never bore any relation to how git-ish the ex was.
Am I warm? Because, even taking OUT of account the fact you were frustrated and resentful when you wrote that letter - it does not sound to me like it was written by a woman who thinks the man she's chosen is "all that", let alone to remain the case decade after decade. It sounds like a woman saying, 'Tsk, I DON'T LOVE YOU. Can't you be more fanciable and lovable so that I CAN?'... i.e. trying to SHOEHORN a man into your ideal or thereabouts.
(Ref the divorce: Are you still tired?)
And I know he's said he'll step up, and put an insta-smile on your face by doing what, presumably, HE COULD HAVE BEEN DOING ALL ALONG(!!!), but...until you start seeing the PROOF - BEYOND the bedroom bits then promises are just noises that come out of the mouth.
So you're going to have to watch that space, aren't you, despite the fact he's just shown you he *was always* capable despite wasn't delivering (until you basically said 'Do it or your days are numbered') *is* what I call proof.
Keep us posted if you like?
Wow!!!! You talk about my S/O as if you know him and I intimately. You also talk about my ex-husband in a manner that was completely uncalled for. Yes we got divorced and what not but we are still the best of friends and he is also friends with my S/O. And i have also recently found out that my S/O has kidney stones.and had them just shortly before we started dating. So thus explains the tiredness and lack of sex drive. And as for me having to tell him to read something thoroughly he has dyslexia and sometimes doesnt aee all the words written down. And yes i was a little brash with my letter and i apologized to him for that already. And yes i do like using toys occasionally when having sex because I like to take myself and my lover to a whole different experience with sex. Do people not enjoy watching the men and women in porn using toys and what not? And yeah he has never been engaged before because he hadnt found the right person. Also he is a independent care provider for his mom and brother and 2 9 yr old adhd/autistic boys so he works alot. Not many women can handle the situation. So before you go talking poorly about people you don't know get all the facts. Yes i asked for advice not to be belittled or berated by someone
Are you quite finished or should I call for sawdust and a shovel (or Bomb Disposal)?
1. Is it my fault you (like your current bf) skim rather than focus and take in or, alternatively, haven't a clue what "hazard a guess" means? Answer: no. So if you and your lovely ex are the exception to the big fat norm then I suggest next time you try, 'No, actually, complete but helpful stranger, I'm afraid you're wide of the mark in our case'...you know, that pithy thing called manners and a bit of self-control?
2. Is it my fault that you misrepresent yourself in terms of seeming to (I'll say!) appreciate bluntness/brashness when the reality is, you only like dishing it, not taking it?
3. If your ex-husband was so great then I fail to appreciate why the pair of you got divorced rather than stayed happily ever together. Probably something to do with the fact that, just because he's quite nice as a friend doesn't automatically mean he was just as lovely really up-close and personal, eh.
4. Berate and belittle? Do what? What person, that is intent on or even susceptible to either of those two, starts off with a joke and ends with a friendly 'keep us posted if you like'? Who do you think I am - Taz from Tazmania? I may have "hazarded a guess" and be as blunt/brash as you *and* somehow flicked a giant nerve up there, but - OH, BE SERIOUS!
(*Now*, however, is a different kettle of fish entirely and you've only yourself to thank for that.)
Same goes for when it comes to your boyfriend:
1. For ages he's been unable to have sex or behave in bed like a man in-love because he of being too tired and lacking a libido due to kidney-stones and yet, all of a sudden - without even having had a tummy-rub, let alone an extremely and bafflingly speedy operation and post-op full recovery - he can? Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice...
2. "So please read this all the way before you make any comments or decisions."
All the way = To the end. If someone has Dyslexia or Alexia then being incapable of reading all the way to the end of what you'd presume were a really important letter isn't their problem, it's their needing to read slowly and carefully.
3. Promises-promises... They mean nothing until he delivers. And if he would claim he's capable of delivering *now and henceforth* then how come previously, allegedly, all along, he wasn't? What - you sprinkled your letter with a magic Love Potion?
4. Couldn't find anyone to light his candle enough so immersed himself in his work-life or immersed himself in his work-life *so that* he couldn't/wouldn't find anyone that lit his candle enough?...despite plenty of other hard-working men, carers among them, seem to manage spinning those two plates perfectly nicely? Put that suspicion (repeat, *suspicion*) with the suspect-ness of his refusing to give boyfriendly openness and attentiveness *until he could see he finally HAD TO* and what you get is - problems with commitment.
"Not many women can handle the situation."
That's right. Including, apparently, you.
5. And, no. Sex toys meant for use a deux are *enhancements*, meaning, if/when you get with the "perfect" soulmate for you, nothing *needs* any enhancing (- not rocket-science).
(Maybe one day you'll be graced with finding that out for yourself.)
Your boyfriend has, amongst other things, been systematically withholding attention, affection, signs of love and appreciation, and sexual satisfaction from you and meanwhile "looking at posts" from women on Twitter "and other sites" and, only once you finally slam your foot down and make it clear you're at the end of your tether does he suddenly, with aplomb, step up like would strongly-strongly suggest he could have been doing all along. I may have pointed to the elephant in the room, in the process getting a few of the mere details wrong (so you say/so he says), but, one, it wasn't me that plonked it there and, two, the most salient points remain.
So do you want to try that again, more respectfully, or shall I dedicate my hugely insightful wisdom to someone who'll appreciate it enough to keep a bit of adult control when hearing things or indications they don't like, pointed out to them (or take it out on the person that deserves it)?
I think you misunderstood her...the guy PUSHED BACK the date of the wedding, not made it earlier.
And yes, parts of the letter were a bit wince-inducing, but when things are written in frustration from not really talking about the issue for some time, that tends to happen. And she pointed out that she apologized to him for those parts.
What this is really is a major lack of communication. He needs to find a way to let her know things and vice versa...instead of letting it build up.
And the fact that she was willing to just be together without getting married- that doesn't negate her having said yes- it's a testament to how much she's willing to give up in order to still be with him, if it's the case that he may not want to take the walk.
Sweetie- i wish you the best of luck- and keep us posted, ok?
No, I'm well aware he ultimately pushed back the wedding date. In fact, the entire idea of a wedding at all.
Maybe you'd have to be a man to appreciate this, but 'a bit' wince-inducing is a gross understatement. In actual fact, it could have been relationship suicide. I mean, you think about how you'd feel if the man you believed rated you highly *confirmed in a letter that you bored the hell out of him in bed. (*'Confirmed' because - "I have really been trying to not ****push**** the issue of this"). Or let's try the female sensitivities equivalent of, You're a bit too fat and wrinkly and saggy-boobed. (Still feel like getting naked and vulnerable with him, do you? Ever again?)
I'm not defending him, though (I don't defend snakes). I'm just saying - for future reference - it's not a clever way of dealing with it, frustrated or not. You wouldn't write your boss a letter like that, criticising his business and time and management skills, and expect no comeback, would you. So why do it with someone claimed to be even *more* important to you.
It smacks of controlling. You can't *force* someone to consistently act in ways that make you feel loved and appreciated. 'If it's not fun, you're either doing it wrong or are with the wrong person'. And trust me, when someone *really* loves and is in-love with you, they don't need to be told you aren't feeling it. Because you are.
...Who even CARES when, frankly, all of that should be a moot point anyway when you find out the man who supposedly wants a future with you, or even just be live-in steadies, has been showing avid interest in other women's online profiles and posts. It's trying to cheat, whichever way you look at it, whether genuinely or for bluff and leverage purposes (which is too cruel to tolerate). So it's a dealbreaker either way, making the rest mere superfluous detail. ...Detail that FITS with his making regular little trips onto online meat markets. So I only said she'd have to watch that space because she made it clear she lacks the relationship requisite of greater self-respect, enough to fire the a*se of anyone who disrespects and mistreats her to that gross degree.
So, no. Lack of communication isn't the problem. It's the fact you can work out from there his trying to keep her warm and placated on the side while he shops around for a replacement or someone on the side (or the start of a little personal harem for all we know). I mean, if *I* found a supposed fiance - even just my steady bf - committing a gross misdemeanour like that, I wouldn't react by telling him to make greater effort in bed. Would you? Wouldn't that be a bit like asking someone who's run over your gran-gran in their 4x4 to wear nicer suits and get a haircut?
*He's* the one with the problem and she should just be walking away - towards someone who does light her candle, willingly, gets immense joy and satisfaction from it, and understands that infidelity is wrong on all levels. And, IMO, anyone who cared a jot for her present and welfare should be helping her to garner the confidence to do so.
Yes, i get your point. But she doesn't see it as cheating. Yet. But i would be on my guard because it's likely not going to get better.
Agree with that, yup.