Please help, need advice on a failing relationship
Hello, this is my first time posting here but im in desperate need of help or advice. My husband and I have been married a short time but been together for a couple years prior to marriage. We found out I was pregnant and im due in June. We figured we loved eachother, so why not get married? He used to be so affectionate and passionate towards me, and now i feel so lonely and almost suicidal. He pays no attention to me.
He comes home from work everyday jumps on his xbox and plays for hours and even invites his friends over while im stuck in the other room alone. We have 3 other children combined from previous relationships. Hes a great father and very happy im having his baby, but he slowly has stopped coming to appointments with me and shows little interest in pregnancy anymore. We have sex still nut its cold and emotionless. Very quick and id rather just go without. All I do is cry alone anymore or feel so lonely. I leave the house and try giving myself me time, but something is still missing.
I come home everyday to a mess from him and his friends ontop of also working full time and taking care of 3 other children. I sometimes feel like im overreacting, but if you were in my shoes youd understand.. What should i do to get him to pay attention to me or want to love me like he used to? Or do you think its over and I should leave?
First, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Especially during a time you were expecting to be more of a priority, and rightfully so. I've been married 24 years. We've struggled. So many times. But we're still together and happy. That said, more than once, we ended up right where you are. Like you, we were together, but only in the geographical sense. Not in the ways it mattered. We each felt so alone. I know I felt MORE alone and hurt when he was close by but unavailable to me than I did when I was actually alone. We had become friends, and most days, just roommates. And that shouldn't be enough for either party, at any stage of the marriage. There are cycles. There ups and downs. There are stresses that can't be avoided. There all kinds of factors that can play into this, but honestly? I've found that it really comes down to one thing. And it's not an easy fix. But it's worth it. You have to keep leaning into difficult conversations and do your best to keep resentment out of the equation. Resentment is a relationship killer. A silent one, that can eat away at both of you for years if you let it. And that's what all of this is breeding, so I'm glad you're looking for help before it builds to the point that things are beyond repair. Asking for help isn't easy. so good for you. You obviously love him and want to make it work.
Some questions for clarification before I go any further:
1) Have you talked to him about this? All of it? Does he fully understand how badly he's hurting you?
2) You said you get stuck alone in the other room when his friends come over. Why is that? And what do you mean by "stuck"?
3) Why are you the only one responsible for the household? You both work outside the home, so why isn't he working inside the home?
4) Did he behave this way in his previous relationships?
5) Do you have friends and/or family that you are close to? It's obvious he values his friends and makes time to spend with them, and it would benefit you both if you did the same? And, again- have you talked to him about his friends being over so much?