Can you help me carry my baggage?
Hello all and thank you for taking the time to read this. Before I begin I know I have baggage, insecurities, and problems. What I want most though is to have someone who loves me through them and who doesn't make me feel bad about having a past.
To begin my relationship with men has not ever been good. My father constantly cheated on my mom and took our family through a tumultuous divorce. My father was physically and mentally abusive to us children as well. All I've ever wanted was to have a man love me for me and not make me feel like my father ever made me feel.
As I got older I began dating. Every single one of my boyfriends cheated on me. The most painful was my ex fiancé. We were together two and a half years. My mom got diagnosed with cancer during our relationship. He took the liberty to be the only person who asked my mom on her death bed for my hand in marriage.
I left on a weekend to visit my mom. While I was gone my ex had a party in our home and raped my best friends little sister in our bed. Afterwards another one of my friends showed up and she too ended up sleeping with him not knowing he raped someone beforehand.
Months afterward he was in the system and later convicted. Our engagement called off and shortly after my mother died.
It took me three years before I could date again after this tragedy between losing my mom and being betrayed by the love of my life.
I write now because after years of counseling and counseling myself I thought I had overcome a lot of my insecurities. But little to my knowledge I recently found out that I am still experiencing pain and trauma from my experience.
My current boyfriend and I had a fight and I had gotten too drunk and blacked out. My boyfriend later informed me that I went off on him about how he was cheating on me. His words were that I was " unflattering".
I never get this ugly sober but when drinking I guess my subconscious knows my true fears. The boyfriend I have now, I do not think he would cheat on me, but I didn't think the others would either. From my father to now I guess it's triggered in my brain that that's a possibility.
The point of this conversation is that I know I have in the past told my boyfriend in a drunk stage this fear a couple of times. He is now to the point of disgust, and his disgust angers me. I feel like he is not accepting me for me. I have baggage, I have fears. I thought I had a good handle on things but I guess some pains and pasts don't ever go away. I try to keep it all together but I feel like when I do break apart, I can't trust to trust him to be there for me. To let me be broken and me.
I have major character flaws, I see that this can't be fixed as it is burn into my brain and comes out when I'm not thinking. I can only try and better and acknowledge the signs before I go into despair. I understand that drinking will have to be put on the back burner. I see that this issue is my fault but there is something that is bothering me.
My main issue is I want to feel like I can go into despair with my significant other, and not be battled down by it. Not be told to be ashamed, or feel guilty, or even broken. I want my significant other to love me for all my best characteristics, and help me mend my worst characteristics.
I know I am at fault and I feel terrible about what I said and did. I just don't know what steps to take next with my relationship knowing that if I have a weak moment, it will sink into a deeper, more horrific display of one sided love. Any advice for me or my relationship?
Honey, it sounds to me that you have never let yourself heal totally.
You tried to fill a void in your life with men, and perhaps let too much of your happiness and self-esteem be dependent upon them.
Ok, so yeah maybe you got real drunk and your subconscious spoke the truth...but he should not be blaming you for how you feel, or your past. That makes him a jerk.
I mean it's obvious that you had a $hitty example for a man in your father, and he should want to help you, and encourage you, to trust again.
You went through an awful experience that was only underscored by the ex-boyfriend raping a young girl while you were away. Your SO should understand these things had a significant impact on not just how you see yourself but how you see other people, especially men. He should want to be the exception, instead of the rule.
I would suggest you maybe talk honestly with him about how things things still have an influence on you even though you thought you had healed, and that perhaps you need some time apart for you to work on yourself...and i mean really just focus on yourself...and then slowly get back into the relationship (after you feel that you've put these issues to bed).
also, put it in a way that you want to be a better person for yourself and for him, so that your relationship can grow into one that you both are happy in.
Be good to you, and bless you!
Thank you so much for your reply. I am thankful to hear your vision on the events. Be good to you as well!!!