My life is fucked up and I'm 100% responsible
I fucked up my life big time and don't know how to get out of that.Please help.
I was in a relationship when one of my college senior came into my life,he was committed too,but he swept me away from my feet and said he loved me.I was completely in love with him,eventually we got close physically also.After almost 5-6 monthes I broke up with my then boyfriend.
Then when I told my senior to do the same he started saying I told you from the beginning I have gf and I have some responsibility so I can't leave her,you agreed knowing everything.This broke my heart but I couldn't stop getting close even knowing he is just doing this for sexual pleasure.I thought may be someday I will have my chance.That was a blunderous mistake of my life.
Then I made a second one by started working in his hospital and our physical relation continued.Then I met this boy through matrimony whom I liked so much. I told my senior that I want to settle down and I don't want any kind of relation anymore with you.but didn't quit my job and I couldn't tell anything about this incidents to the boy I met because I knew he can never accept me after knowing.
Now,somwhow this boy came to know about everything gradually and everytime he asked me something I said give me another chance I will not lie again.And I lied again because I couldn't just say this filthy things I was scared.but he was this guy who then made my life a living hell.He always made me cry.He threatened me that he will say everything to everyone.I got more scared and again called that senior for help.He called the boy and things got messier.Now I am in love with this matrimony guy who hates me to the core of my heart always thrashea me emotionally but said I want to see if I can forgive you, be with me for six months.and he is continuing torturong me emotionally and by saying what a filthy person I am but he has no problem having sex with me.
I don't know what to do.I cant think of leaving him either I got too attached already.but I am depressed,crying all the time,thinkng of committing suicide because I know he would never accept me evem after this six month.my life is a mess.please help
No he is not married.This is a arranged marriage term.in matrimonial sites we can make profiles and provide details about us and can find probable matches.