Boyfriend has mummy issues and I need to motivate him!
I have been with my lovely boyfriend for 3 years. We have been saving to go travelling for the whole time and I’ve recently started to really break down the reasons we haven’t been able to go. The main issue is money – we don’t have enough. I am currently working full-time and he is job-searching, but due to his lack of self-esteem/demotivation, he isn’t really looking much at all. I can’t seem to motivate him. I feel like I’ve tried everything but he WON’T LISTEN.
He seems to have developed a complex from the way his mother treated him when he was younger – one minute doing his homework for him and telling him he isn’t good enough, and one minute showering him with love and being totally over-protective. This has led to confidence issues as well as not being able to listen to authority. I have realised he also relies on me for everything, even though he is completely capable. He asks me to help with everything, from reading an application form to doing a household task. When I’m not there, he’ll phone me to ask me. On the rare occasion that I haven’t helped him, he figures it out of course. He is constantly second-guessing himself when really he is completely competent… It has started really, really grating on me because I honestly feel like I’m using twice the brain power, as if I am his mum?!
I’ve started to get really frustrated at the travelling thing, because I was actually about to set off myself when we started going out. Now we’re three years in and not at all close to going. I feel like he is holding me back, in all honesty. I always have to lie to my family about him because they think he is a loser…I know he is just trapped in an endless cycle. He gets up, looks for jobs on his phone for a bit and doesn’t get dressed until 5pm. I then get home from work and he feels like shit because he hasn’t done anything, and this feeling causes him to continue procrastinating. I have tried praising him, helping him search, helping him apply, nagging him, suggesting things casually, pointing out a local careers advisor…NOTHING WORKS. He will agree to do it and then just not do it. I have actually just had to leave the house because I was on the verge at shouting at him, but I know that won’t help.
How do I motivate him in his job-searching? I don’t want to break up because he is my best friend, as well as intelligent and able. Does anyone have any ideas? How do I stamp out this ridiculous complex he has because of his mother and get him to see what a great guy he is?
"I feel like he is holding me back, in all honesty"
Yes, and he WILL do that in the future. This is something that - deep down - you already know.
He is what he is. Nothing more. He needs another mummy, and you stepped up to do that.
Now you are tired and starting to realize that he does not have the capability or willingness to be a PARTNER. He will always be your child-man.
HOW is he your "best friend? HOW has he shown you that he is "intelligent" (emotionally or socially or educationally??) and "able" (he counts on your guidance for everything)
Do you think you can be honest about this relationship? Are you seeing this clearly?
(Mummy will be there to take care of him, in the future, if you decide to leave, - you can bet on that)