Advice to stay or not to stay
I've been in this relationship for ten years. The first few years were great until I had a child with him. Our child is 3 years old now. Since having this child, everytime we would fight or argue, he would lock me out and take away the keys to the car so that I have no where to go. He knows I won't involve my family becus they think we are doing perfectly fine. I've talked about going our separate ways bcus things are not working. I feel like he knows im gonna break it off and before it happens, he's making sure I'm left with nothing. Making sure I will not leave with our child. He's recently been physically abusive. He's pushed me around and threatened me that if I leave, there would be dire consequences. A little about him... He is an ex felon. I find myself so scared at times I don't know what to do.
Hi, You need to get duplicate keys made without his knowledge. Once the physical abuse starts with no consequences to him, the abuse will continue. You need to inform your family of EVERYTHING THAT IS GOING ON!!!Explain the abuse end the FAKE IMAGE of a happy family. Plan your exit...
You need to get legal advice regarding spousal/child support as well a protection order due to the abuse.Be sure to get all important documents (ie) birth certificates, credit card information, bank account numbers, medical cards/records.. etc.
He's controlling you by intimidation and fear which effects your self esteem which makes you feel that you can't take back control over your life. Take your situation seriously, once you leave never be in his presence alone. You must report/file a complaint with the police if he's physically abusive with you, take photos of bruises and keep a diary (of course none of this is kept at your home)... There are resources for woman in your situation, you are not alone.. Good Luck
Keep in touch...
Of course, if you do what you need to do, you have to have tons of money. Like, move to a place where he doesn't know where you are, work in a place where he doesn't know where you work, etc., etc.
You see these shows on TV, and you're telling the woman, if he knocks on the front door, don't answer the door, go out the back door and hide in the woods, then go to a neighbors house 3 or 4 houses down the street.
I was under attack recently, and still have the potential from one person, but I've dwindled it down to one from about 3 or 4.
One thing I've done is try to come up with a plan, as suggested above. I tried to start by being positive going into the problem, trying to clear my unconscious of any unseen, negative thoughts, such as "You can't do this, you can't pul this off," by saying over and over, "Think positive, think positive, think positive."
I don't want to be own worst enemy, and it can happen, I've got enough of those.
I would write down steps, although as said above, he's going to find anything you write down.
One thing, I would try to find a place to hide my notes. But I think you need to write it down.
I would write, 1. where I could go. 2. when I could go. 3 finances 4. things to take with me. 5. possible free lawyer or paralegal, male or female, as you choose. 6. psychologist, male or female, as you choose. 7. contact family about assistance they might can give. 8. be careful about who you tell of this (except family), as in nobody, for word can get back to him.
I considered moving for a few months or more, until things were better. I found it in a way the best option. I told the manager of this home health care group that helps me, "I'm thinking of moving to another place. If he doesn't know where I live, he can't hurt me."
But that had drawbacks. 1. Expense 2. He would know that I had moved. 3. If the new place didn't work out and I had to move back, he would have all of that data.
I was like you, I felt trapped, and there was no easy solution. My attackers were pathological people, with that kind of anger. That's all they knew.
Have you noticed any pathological level of anger, etc., about your husband? Sounds like that what he is. I know that feeling.
It is very difficult, but it can be done. You might want to consider getting a private detective, who has experience with this type of thing. Like if you move to another place, and he comes to that place, you could get it on video/audio tape. Have the new phone where it records anytime he might calls.
You aren't defenseless. He can come knock on your door (don't answer the door), but you can tape record it, with a video camera on your front and back porch, and pointed toward your car, with motion detector spotlights, in case he comes by at night, so the cameras can see him.
He wants you to think he has everything going for him, but that's a bluff. I had one pathological neighbor he looked at me several times over the years with hate-filled eyes, as if to say, there's nothing you can do, for you don't have pathological hate, and I do.
But there were things I could do. I didn't do them all quickly enough or in the right order, but there were things I could do.
That's why I'm telling you these things that took me several years or more to figure out.
1. security cameras. 2. motion detectors lights 3. tape recording machine for the phone.
Where to buy all of that? Discount stores sell them.
Who to put it up. Store can perhaps recommend someone to install them, or someone in your family can do that, or knows someone, or get in touch with someone, who can do that.
How to save items on the video/audio tapes if something occurs. See if someone in the family knows how to do that, or contact a computer repair store, or a security company, who can perhaps do that, and teach you how.
My first video camera experience was not very good. It was an individual, not a company, so if the individual is crooked, I'm stuck. Find out about support, if you have a question, can they come there and help you out, such as how to save data if you want to save anything.
A good, private detective can probably help you, for they have had years of experience with crooks, and you have had none. You may lose important evidence with something simple like, well, he did break into my mailbox and steal my morning paper several times, and one camera is pointed in that direction, but I didn't bother to check my camera.
2nd stupid mistake: I did not have a camera pointed at my car, because the fraud person who sold me the cameras didn't even recommend that, even though we had an extra camera.
3rd stupid mistake: The fraud guy who sold me the cameras, didn't even recommend motion detectors lights for the front and back porch and the car, so the cameras could not record anything at night.
That's why I'm giving you these tips. I'm also recommending a good [private eye who can guide you through some of these things. Me, I waited probably 8 years from the time the trouble started, to even think about a private eye. Eight years of good help and tips from a good private eye, might have prevented me from a lot trouble.
The police may tell you, "We can't do anything." But that doesn't mean you can't do anything yourself. Like get a private eye, who can do some things. Like with some data from you, can knock on his door and put him back on his heels.
The police kept telling me, we can't knock on his door, for you don't have proof.
(It turned out, the police were probably right, which helped me also. In that, one of my enemies couldn't call the police and say, you know, I think that guy (me) is a bad person, why don't you knock on his door?" For the police would ask him, also, "Do yo have any proof?" And the guy would say "Well no, I don't have any proof," and the police would say, "Well, then, we can't knock on his door.")
Well, if the police wouldn't help, I could have helped myself by hiring a private eye, who could knock on his door, armed with your info, and any evidence you have on tape, etc.
And a good private eye can give you tips about that. One told me over the phone, "Out up your new security cameras, and motion detector lights, first, before I know on his door, cause he may retaliate, and you may have some evidence."
See, that's a tip. I did that. I should have done that 8 years ago. I didn't know where to go, either. I didn't know who to call.
Again, the police may tell you, "We can't do anything." But that doesn't mean you can't do anything. Like call a private eye, a good one, and he or she can do some things the police often won't. Give you some tips, get some data from you and the machines, and let him or her knock on his door.
I went for 4 years in one situation trying to get the police to knock on this guy's door, and they wouldn't, for I had no proof. Four years later, I realized, a private eye could knock on his door, and do the same thing the police could, by letting him know, he's being observed.
One private eye said, or I thought of it but didn't know the details, "Point a video camera with a mike on his place from your property, and if/when this again occurs, you may be able to get visual/audio proof of what happened, and where it came from."
A private eye can either tell you of something like that, or you can tell it to him, and see what he or she thinks.
If you have evidence first, you're in a better position to bargain, and not have to go begging, "Please!" Pathological people don't respond to begging, except to attack more.
The first meeting with a private eye is free. You're not taking any chances. But you should check them out, call a few a see what you think. If you don't like them, get another one.
There would be some expense, but you can't afford anything, try some of the suggestions above, or on the net search engine, under "stalked" or "escaping danger" or something. Or, "protecting your home," or "Hiring a private detective", things I never did, for I'm stupid.
Stupid, alone, weak, attracts bad people. So that's why those people have to be extra cautious.