My girlfriend's young adult kids refuse to grow up
I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 years and she has 3 kids: 24 year old male, 20 year old female, 16 year old male. The 24 year old has a 5 year old son that lives with his very dysfunctional mother. The 20 year old has 2 year old daughter who we have had custody for the past year and a half. CPS was involved and it was either us take custody or the baby go to foster care.
I work out of town most the time, being in the oil and gas business. Right now the 24-year old is living on our couch because he cannot get a job, or won't. Not sure which one it is. Last year I kick the 20 year old out of the house because of her physical attacks on her mother.
The 16 year old has been having psychological issues because of his concern with his older brother and sisters' actions and the well-being of their children. He has been hospitalized for anxiety attacks and suicidal inclinations. He is a good kid and he worries too much about the things he can't change.
An opportunity has arose to where we are looking at moving out of state to be around other family and to kind of make our life better. The only issue is the two older children won't be able to come either by choice or because they're not willing to give up a life where they are now.
Now the issue that I'm having, is that I want to move and I want to leave the older 2 behind because as we have tried to help over the past many years, they just will not grow up and take responsibility for their own actions. I feel that if we stay here, the small family that we have that works together (me, my girlfriend, the 16 year old, and the two-year-old baby) will suffer for it.
My girlfriend wants to move because she knows life will be better there as well, but of course she carries the guilt of leaving her adult children to fend for themselves. And I feel somewhat guilty because I have kind of given up on them.
I guess I'm just curious what others think and if others have had these type of issues before. I guess there is no right answer.
This is a tough one.
These two are not of their real age, emotionally. But you know that. Problem is, they don't seem to be taking steps to "grow up" and get a plan for the future.
Of course, you need to salvage the part of your "family that works together. So make a plan to do just that.
Set a deadline (3 - 6 months) to move in which you will help the two others set up their own house/apartment.(help with the deposit? help making a budget?)
Of course, they will both need to get and keep jobs, perhaps moving in together. But that's their job to get themselves ready for the new living situation.
Be firm in your resolve to make this move. Your girlfriend will have to be strong about this. Perhaps professional counseling could help.
Your GF is the enabler and at 20 and 24 it's time to KICKED THEM OUT OF THE NEST. The 16 yr old seems to have real emotional issues
Plan your move, the move will benefit everybody, especially your 16 yr old who needs a non toxic environment and your full attention in helping his mental issues.
TOUGH LOVE..is not you giving up on them it's forcing them to START Growing UP
Plan your move be clear that they both must be out by whatever date that fits your plans. Your GF knows it's time. If you're old enough to make babies, disrespect your mother and to be a loser sleeping on your sofa, well times up!!!
Don't put anything in your name or your GF like, co- signing on lease agreementS (month to month rentals are less expense than leases)-. Utilities, phones are in there names..etc...
Giving money to help get deposit paid/utilities is best, otherwise you may find your credit rating suffering. It is hard for young people to move out however they have to learn to DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO!!figure it out. IF BY CHANCE THE 24 YR OLD IS STILL UNEMPLOYED BY THE TIME You MOVE- BE PREPARED TO PAY FOR A ROOM (1) MONTH...
Thanks all. This is kind of what I've been thinking on both levels. I want to help them with what I can but they have taken about everything we could offer. We will be moving by the end of June because our lease ends and we have to go somewhere so it's more motivation to get things done to move out of state.
I just found out yesterday that the twenty-year-old lost her job. The actual largest hurdle we will have is her. She thinks she can get her baby back by just merely having a job and rooming with another 20-something that barely has their stuff together. Butt we are not letting her have her baby if she cannot raise that baby in a positive environment and the way I look at it she is nowhere near close. It is going to be a fight with her even though technically we have the legal right to be wherever we want to be with the baby. We made sure in the agreement that we were not bound by geographical location.
Good for you guys
The move will be a new start for everybody. I applaud you both for obtaining custody of the baby. The courts usually will grant visitation unless here is an endangerment issue. Consider some arrangement that would not be a burden for her, SKYPE is an option initially.