I need help. Well, not help, support I suppose.
Six weeks ago, my boyfriend of two years confessed to me that throughout our relationship, he has in fact been in a relationship with someone else.
Obviously this hit me like a bombshell.
He made all the usual promises that it was me he loved and wanted to be with and he swore he had ended things with her, but I just don’t believe him.
I have always felt a certain extent of vulnerability throughout our relationship. He had some very odd habits and I soon learned not to question them as he would become angry and treat me poorly (I must stress here, there was never any physical treatment) but there was a high degree of emotional control and abuse.
In the past six weeks, I have been having regular counselling sessions which has helped me to identify this abuse but I have still been seeing this man. The last time I see him was last week, and then he disappeared and turned his phone off for a few days (this is normal behaviour for him, of course it makes sense now when I look back) but I never questioned it. But I did this time. His response has been to ignore me all week. usually, I would be the one running back to him apologising and asking to see him and telling him I love him etc. But not this time.
This time I did something different.
I wrote a letter to the other lady in his life and yesterday I posted it.
I don’t think she has received it yet because I left my number in it and she has not been in touch. And he hasn’t contacted me either (I am expecting a lot of verbal abuse when he realises what I have done).
I know I need to break the damaging cycle that is this relationship. That is why I sent the letter.
But I can’t turn my feelings off. I love him and I miss him and I am so desperately sad. In five days I have drank 8 bottles of wine and pondered whether this world would be better off without me. I have never felt so low.
Two years ago I was a strong, confident and very happy woman. And slowly over (mainly the past year) he has destroyed me, slowly but surely. My health has suffered. I have lost two stone (I was only a slim size ten to start with, so now I just look disgusting), I go weeks without eating, I have no motivation, my hair is falling out and going grey, I don’t sleep, I am depressed (Doctor wanted to sign me off for three months but I outright refused). I have kept all of my physical symptoms hidden from him (apart from the weightless which is just obvious).
He has shown no remorse. And his attitude now is the same as it has been for the past two years, if I don’t like something I just have to get on with it. He does not communicate. He does not allow me to express myself.
To make things worth, we work together. I literally cannot escape him.
I know I am doing the right thing, trying to escape this cycle and not communicating with him, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
You're probably doing the right things.
As you said, "I know I am doing the right thing, trying to escape this cycle and not communicating with him, but it doesn’t make it any easier."
Doing the right thing can be difficult.
You said, "Two years ago I was a strong, confident and very happy woman. And slowly over (mainly the past year) he has destroyed me, slowly but surely. My health has suffered. I have lost two stone (I was only a slim size ten to start with, so now I just look disgusting), I go weeks without eating, I have no motivation, my hair is falling out and going grey, I don’t sleep, I am depressed (Doctor wanted to sign me off for three months but I outright refused). I have kept all of my physical symptoms hidden from him (apart from the weightless which is just obvious)."
One, as a manic-depressive, I've had depression. What helped me was anti-depressants.
A lot of times a person can be helped outside of a hospital setting. If you see a good psychiatrist, man or woman as you choose, if they see you as depressed, they can give you medication that can help your situation.
By going back in to the doctor's in a certain amount of time, they can re-evaluate you, and maybe adjustment your medicine, and keep this up for a time, you could be doing better.
But if you "look disgusting," as you said, and "I go weeks without eating, I have no motivation, my hair is falling out and going grey, I don’t sleep, I am depressed," you really need some help, and the only person who can help you is yourself, as far as seeking help," yo probably do need support, and help.
In my case, after not getting help for 3-4 weeks with depression and then having a nervous breakdown from the weight of the depression, I look back on that time and say to myself and others,
"Looking for a helping hand? What about the one on the end of your arm?"
It is a reminder to me, that I didn't do anything to help myself for those 3 or 4 weeks until I collapsed.
So, in addition to looking for help, which is good, you can also be a help, to yourself. Take some action to correct this by looking up in the phone book or computer yellow pages, the name of a psychiatrist, and getting an appointment.
It's hard to make a decision when you're depressed, so this could go on longer than you think. And it can get worse. I was depressed for about 3 to 4 weeks, and I had a nervous breakdown. You don't want one of those.
Signs of depression in women quiz
To know more deeply about women signs you can answer this quiz question below.
• Did you felt less self-confident?
• Did you lost interest in your daily activities You used to enjoy ?
• Did you felt subdued or slowed down?
• Did you felt lacking in energy , strength and feel tired almost every day ?
• Did you had a bad conscience , feelings of guilt , feel sad or down most of the time?
• Did you having frequent headaches, stomach problems, muscle pain, or back problems?.
• Did you felt that your life wasn’t worth living , worthless or hopeless and thinking a lot about dying ?
• Did you had difficulty in concentrating, e.g. when reading the newspaper or watching television?
• Did you felt very restless , anxious and or lethargic?
• Did you had trouble sleeping at night , either sleeping too much or staying awake at night.
• Did you suffered from reduced/increased appetite? Your appetite has changed. not eating enough, or eating too much.
If the most answers you have is YES , so you are in depression.
I am very grateful for your response.
The weightless and most of my physical deterioration began in April last year. Since then, I have been living on my nerves (and an e-cigarette) and been on a downwards spiral. Looking back I think I have had a couple of breakdowns because of his behaviour.
He confessed to me in September that he had seen this other woman a "couple of times" and they had kissed. But the moment I asked a question or wanted to talk about it he would silence be or cut me off for a few days until I stopped asking questions. I just had to accept it. After this time I remember being in bed for four days. No showering. No eating. I just lay in bed awake most of the time staring at the ceiling. Those were the quickest four days of my life.
He has driven me to the edge. And I just know that the level of his manipulation will allow him to push me out of our friend lives whilst making me out to be the bad person. I just don't know what to do
Well, you're right to reach out for help.
You said in your first post: "In the past six weeks, I have been having regular counselling sessions which has helped me to identify this abuse but I have still been seeing this man. The last time I see him was last week, and then he disappeared and turned his phone off for a few days (this is normal behaviour for him, of course it makes sense now when I look back) but I never questioned it"
I date a girl who had dates with others, but I was dating, others, also, so how could I complain?
So, what happened? After my nervous breakdown, I got into a panic, and realized I was going to be alone for the rest of my life unless I married her, and I didn't want to be alone. I told myself, if I could recover, get a job, I would ask her to marry me. That happened and we got married.
Well, the marriage went OK for 7 years, then I found out she had been cheating for all but a couple of months of that time. By then, we had a child and we were buying a house, so getting out of marriage is not as easy as getting in.
I stuck it out for 29 years, for I wanted the child to have a father in the home, and a mother, and because of the house. She passed away from a long illness.
I really didn't want to have a child, but a sneaky relative figured out a way to encourage that, and it happened.
You have some things going for you.
One, you're not married.
Two, you don't have a child.
You need to realize, you're not in the worse situation in the world.
I use to wonder why people stay in abusive situations. I now have a better idea of that.
In my case, the child certainly added to that, and the house, for she could have walked away if not for those 2 things.
Also, I had emotional problems, manic-depression.
Also, I had a poor economic situation, but of the emotional problems. Also I had poor social situations because of that.
In your situation, you mention emotional problems and don't say anything about a job. Then you have the abusive relationship. Then the lack of self-confidence, which I would have a lot.
There are no guarantees. And there are people who have emotional problems and don't do well.
So, how am I doing now?
Well, First, I'm taking lithium and an anti-depressant, which allows me to function.
Second, I get some financial help through the government, and heath benefits.
So, with all of that, how am I doing? Well, actually I'm doing pretty good. Since I don't have to have a job, I don't have to worry about that. Since my wife passed away and I'm not in an abusive relationship, I don't have to worry about that.
Taking the place of my wife, as in attacks, are my neighbors and casual aquaitances, who, really,really come after me. I've got that narrowed down to one SOB.
As for yourself, can you work?
You said you were going to counseling, are they giving you any medicine for your depression? It doesn't sound like they are, why not? Can you ask for that?
If you can get undepressed, can you find a job? To help you get undepressed, first, I think you need medicine. Second, can you find a volunteer job? Do you have a car? Do you have family who can help you?
Public transport could get you to a lot of places for volunteer work. I found a group that provided "work" in the sense that it was easy and paid very low, but it was used as therapy, to meet people, to get out of the house, and in that work, I met a guy who gave me an idea for a job, and I got the job, and it really helped.
So volunteer work can do the same thing. Get you out of the house, around people, improve your confidence, and make you realize you can do a regular job which pays OK.
Volunteer work: hospitals (ask for volunteer services department, or some such title); libraries and schools tutoring students, senior citizen homes, etc.
You'll be getting as much help as you're giving.
All of that can help you get out of your situation. You'll be getting involved in people's lives, and worrying about them, instead of yourself, which is what I'm doing right now.
You might not be getting any help from this, but I am. The flow of energy is going in the other direction, outward from me, instead of inward toward me.
When you get in a situation which involves helping others, you'll feel stronger for giving the help.
What do you think?
I am grateful for your sincere reply. And the biggest realisation for me from your message is that I am not in the worst situation possible. You are right, we are not married and do not have children. There are so many people in more heartbreaking situations and I do need to realised that asides from my relationship, I am very blessed in life.
I am sorry to hear your wife passed away after a long illness. Even after the torture you sustained through the marriage, it must have been an exceptionally distressing time for your family. Did you ever achieve any closure on your marital problems before she passed?
I do have a job. I am in the military and am quite successful. I earn a good income and live what some would describe as a frivolous life. But my nice house and car have not been handed to me... I grew up in a very dreadful place and my family had nothing. I was the first person in my family to finish school and then choose to continue studying. I financially support my family and have done for a number of years. I also do volunteer work at an animal sanctuary and also with a local Cadet unit.
I went to see a doctor through work and she wanted to give me anti-depressants, however it has professional consequences and I would have to be signed off work. And this is not something I can face right now as I enjoy work and find it is a good distraction.
Your message has really made me realise that I need to stop being self absorbed. And this realisation is somewhat difficult for me because I am a very selfless person and always putting others before myself, even to my own detriment most of the time.
I just can't seem to shift this black cloud of depression. It feels like the only time I am happy and feel like my true self, is when I first wake up and for a few blissful seconds I feel life is normal. And then my heart rate skyrockets and I revert in to an anxious wreck. Maybe I should go back to the Doctors, I just don't want to be taken off my duties, I do not feel like that would help me.
One of the most interesting things you said was:
"I am sorry to hear your wife passed away after a long illness. Even after the torture you sustained through the marriage, it must have been an exceptionally distressing time for your family. Did you ever achieve any closure on your marital problems before she passed?"
One, I was not glad to see her go. For one thing, I didn't know if I was going to make it on my own,
Two, when she passed and she was still in our living room, and people came in, and they were going to be taking her body away for the last time, I bawled like a baby. For several hours. In front of about 10 people, family members.
I had known her since she was 19 and I was 22. We were both socially inhibited, and in that way we fit. We had both found someone who would put up with us. And, and again, the knowledge, once I called the mortician, once everybody had arrived to see her, that at any moment they were going to get to our house and take her away for the last time after 36 years of marriage plus the courtship, was more than I could take.
I cried like a baby for 3 or 4 hours, probably.
Thank you for letting me think about that again, and tell someone who cares.
You wrote, "Did you ever achieve any closure on your marital problems before she passed?"
Interesting question. It never happened. I was wondering, too, how it would end.
She was the one who was as strong as a horse, mentally and physically. I was not like that, with manic-depression.
But then she was the one riding me like a horse, even though she was the one who had gotten having an affair. She had been sex abused as a child, and had vowed, to never, ever, be lorded over by a male again as you can imagine. So even though she was completely wrong, she could not appear to be wrong, for I was a male, and a male had sex abused her.
And she had pathological hate, from the abuse. So she could get more angry at me, so she won, is the way she looked at it.
So, the tables were suddenly turned. Instead of me being the sickly one, she announced at age 59, that she was spitting up blood. And she smoked. All of a sudden, I was the strong one. I was going to win. Nobody could have predicted that.
It was like seeing a train come at you, and at the last second, it veered off the tracks. Unbelievable. There is a god in heaven.
She rode me like a horse. She tried to destroy me without killing me, for there is no law against destroying someone and you can't go to jail for that. She tried to destroy my confidence, my physical and mental health, plus, she was probably going to outlive me. Everything was stacked in her favor.
And, she was going to lord over me on my deathbed.
"What's wrong with you!!!! Get up and walk!!!! What do you mean you want a drink of water???????!!!!!"
Just like she had been pinned up against the headboard when she was a child by 3 teenage guys, she was going to return the favor to some guy whenever she got the chance.
You could see it in the cards. I saw it everyday. In the drugstore, when they called my name for the medicine, "John Smith?" She would exclaim in front of about 10 people, "John!!!! John!!!! Theman... said...he...had...your.. medicine....ready!"
It was perfect. I was the mentally deranged village idiot, and she was the all-concerned care taker.
And was I going to do? Get into a verbal fight wit her in the drug store?
What was I going to do in our home? Leave our house that was almost, or completely, paid for?
She was mad because she had gotten caught, and I as a male, had indirectly stopped that (I didn't stop it, our son grew up and knew what the phone calls were) but she blamed in on me, on our marriage. And, the son found out what she was about. So, I had to pay for it.
So, for 16 years it was really hellacious, and for 13 more years, it was mildly hellacious.
Oh, the chest pains stopped.
So, how did it end? She never admitted anything, because I knew her main lover, and she would never get him in trouble. She would also not acknowledge that I had won, or that she had lost, and what she did was, hide such possibilities until she driftred off into a coma, and within a day or so she died.
Perfect. No admission of defeat. Just death.
How did I feel? I felt damn funny. Here was the woman who I hated, who had tried to destroy me for 29 years, the last 16 very heavily.
And once she had gotten caught, the hell did start. She was the steam roller, and I was the paper cup. And I won. There was no way I was going to win. But I did.
Why was I the only one in the living room as she was going into a coma? I felt funny about that. The person who hated her the most was the one presiding over her as she phased out.
Her breathing became difficult, and I realized she didn't have long. I basically heard her last breath. Strange feeling. The person who hated her the most, the person she hated the most, was the only person present as she died. And she knew this was going to be the case.
After her death, it was also strange. I got the paid for house to myself. I got her retirement benefits. I got small life insurance policy. I'll never have to hear her mouth again.
Wasn't supposed to happen.
Thanks for asking.
You said, "I do have a job. I am in the military and am quite successful. I earn a good income and live what some would describe as a frivolous life. But my nice house and car have not been handed to me... "
So you do have job and a car, a nice house and are successful."
I had no idea of any of that. I'm glad to hear that.
You said, "Your message has really made me realise that I need to stop being self absorbed."
Speaking of self-absorbed, here's one for you:
I was at a self-help meeting one time, (al-anoyn, for friends, etc., of alcoholics). When my time to speak came, I listed all my troubles. Well, yeah, like you. Oh, I went deep.
When I finally finished, the woman sitting patiently beside me, looked at me and said,
"Oh, you were having a Pity Party. We've all done that."
Right in front of the some 3 other group members.
Exposed me as a pity party person. Which I was, but I didn't want her to tell the whole group.
But she did it in such a way, I wasn't totally embarrassed. It was therapeutic.
She was such a nice person, and said it in such a nice way, that it got through to my psychic.
She was saying, "Don't feel sorry for yourself all the time. Grow up. There's life besides your problems," or something like that.
Well, what happened was, after that whenever I tried to feel sorry for myself, I heard that woman's voice, and I saw her face, and it didn't work. I couldn't feel sorry for myself.
I was too embarrassed. I felt like a child. And this woman had told me, but in a nice way, quit acting like a child. You're a grown person.
She said in just a way that reached me, but I was not angry at her. It was like a new mommy had just raised me.
So, I would say to you, as you have already said, quit being so self-absorbed.
But I'm not sure you can do that if you're really depressed.
I think you really do need to be on anti-depressants.
But if your job prohibits that, you are in a mess.
Can you go to an off base doctor and get them?
You mentioned you think of your depression as soon as you wake up.
I rem. having dep. and fell down once, and did a sumbersault. As soon as I quit rolling and knew I was OK, I rem. thinking, "I'm still depressed."
The roll on the ground didn't shake my depression.
So I know you're really depressed.
I think you have to overcome the problem of can't have anti-depressant, but need them.
Can you get away from the boyfriend situation? That seems to be the cause. Why do you love someone who hates you? Why did I stay with someone who hated me? (The house, the child, the emotional problems, lack of money.)
And "And this realisation is somewhat difficult for me because I am a very selfless person and always putting others before myself, even to my own detriment most of the time."
You're putting other before yourself can be great, and it can be a cause of a lot of your problems. I'm petty much the same way. I think we both need to look at that.
He- I think you miss the guy you thought he was..knowing now who he really is- A Cheater!! As they say once a cheater always a cheater Stop your self abuse.. not taking care of yourself hurts only YOU-. I believe you can get through this without being medicated- Your the winner here!!
You know you deserve better and now that you've spent way TOO much time abusing yourself-
This is who you are as quoted by you " I do have a job. I am in the military and I'm quite successful. I earn a good income and live "below" my means (*I changed this part because your life is not frivolous). My nice house and car have not been handed to me. I financially support my family and have done so for years. I do volunteer work at an animal shelter and a local Cadet Unit" The person you are DESERVES BETTER THAN A INCENTIVE LOW DOWN CHEATER!!
You must get back to loving yourself.
Remember " When one door closes anther door opens"
Oh you poor thing, i really get your pain.
there is nothing worse but to be abused emotionally.
you really have to open your eyes, and contemplate, write down even all the things he said and done to you. look at the bigger picture.. the way he treated you, the cheating..
i don't think that you should even think of being with him no more... someone like that doesn't deserve any time wasted on them...pull yourself together, stay strong, believe in yourself and MOVE ON.
Trust me, is the best thing you can do.
good luck and remember you are not alone!