I divorced him and cannot get over my sense of intense guilt and sadness
Hello and thank you for reading. I hope it won't be a long post but who am I kidding.
In short, I feel like a horrible person. For years I have struggled finding anything worth loving about myself and when I did find it, I tossed it all away by becoming someone I never wanted to be. All illusions I had about love and this world have gone straight out of the window and despite being in a new relationship, I have difficulties coming to terms with myself and with what happened. I'm just gonna describe what my life with my ex was like now and how I feel afterwards (dreadful). Please bear with me.
I am almost 30 years old and have been in a loving and intense relationship with a guy who I eventually married, about 2 years ago. We were each other's soulmates, and there was nothing in the world I wouldn't do to keep us safe and happy and together. We did everything together and a lot of people wondered how we were managing, to always be so near each other and so close. I also don't think this was, in the end, the cause of our downfall, but I just am trying to explain to you how close we were, and how insanely much I loved him.
We were relatively poor students and we lived in a crappy home for a long time, but it didn't matter, we had each other and despite our personal difficulties, we were a great help & support to each other. The only indentifiable problem we had was our sex life, where I cannot say was in any way satisfactory, despite having tried to fix it. Which I did for 9 years. I was looking for some sexual excitement outside our relationship, mostly on the internet, but never crossing any boundaries of cheating and always with his knowledge. He was never a very sexually interested or adventurous person, which I am. But even this seemed like such a minor thing that neither of us made a very big deal out of it other than a few talks where we tried to improve, but in the end he never could give me what I needed and he could never tell me without blushing what he wanted. It honestly was our only barrier between us, but we still kept up a semblence of a sex life. In the end I figured I didn't think it was important anyway and that I'd live with it.
Eventually we finished our studies and we were able to move to a bigger, much nicer place, and it felt like "this is the start". We did great paintjobs and fixed the floors, bought new furniture..... We just got married too, we had a nice home in a nice neighbourhood, we were the typical young family starting their careers, lives, nothing stopped us from thinking about things such as having kids. We got the dog I always wanted and slowly my life was, seemingly, becoming more and more perfect.
Except I started noticing that I got a little bit more irritated with him, for no real reason. Wanted to do things by myself, where previously we played games together now I was no longer interested. I didn't really want to watch any movies with him any more. Sure I still enjoyed his company but, things were changing. It was a very slow and graduate process and I didn't really realize something was really off until it was too late. Half a year before disaster struck I was walking my dog and I suddenly found myself wondering, "what am I doing here, what am I doing with him?" I shook this thought of me, thinking I must be tired or crazy, but the feeling stuck with me.
I started feeling trapped, anxious, nervous for what life was doing to me. Some people call it a 30yr-mid-life-crisis, the moment where you are supposed to become a new family and a job and you realize all the dreams you had where really just dreams. Maybe it was that, but the fact of the matter is that we didn't have sex for, oh, 6 months now, and I had no inclination to even be in bed with him, so often he would be in bed at 12 and I'd join him at 3 AM when he was already asleep. Why did I not start thinking, why did I not try to fix it?..
Then as these things go, I met someone else. This was almost a year ago. And not just anyone, but a guy on the internet I had perfectly friendly business associations before for several years, but nothing I could ever conceive as being feelings or... Anything out of the absolute ordinary. Ever. Guy lives 1500 KM away from me but for some reason we got to talking and we get to skype and we end up spending 15 hours a day on skype together. I am falling in love with a guy on the internet and my marriage is in shambles. It is also the point I start really realizing I don't love my husband anymore and haven't for awhile already. My husband is not crazy and notices something is off and I have to tell him yes, things are off.
The weeks after are spent with us talking and talking and talking, not really fighting, but all the pent up issues I felt about us coming out. We lacked adventure in our lives and this whole family thing was freaking me out even though I thought I wanted it with him for the past 10 years. Our sex life. Our life just being boring. And things about him, you know, just small things that I never thought of being a big deal. And finally my feelings, which were gone.
I should have cut it off right there but I didn't. I was too afraid. I was sure I must be wrong, how could I stop loving a guy who is so perfect as he is? Our life was literally perfect. I had been so happy for 9 years with him. I was gonna live my entire life with him. I must be going crazy. I even went to the doctor asking if I was crazy. My husband wanted relationshipcounceling but the mere thought of trying to fix us was suffocating me. I couldn't, though we had 2 sessions. I went away on a month holiday by myself, the trip I always wanted to do, but now by myself.
I met the guy I spoke to on the internet. I shouldn't have, but I could not stop myself. I shouldn't have but I did anyway, I shouldn't but I did and of course I ended up cheating on my husband, if anything to prove to myself that my husband could be the only one for me. He wasn't. I was in love with this man and no longer with my husband. Maybe without this man in my life I would have tried to fix things with my husband.
I got home and we finalized the divorce. Having a complicated family, I could expect no real support from there so I moved away one day after the divorce with a minimum amount of stuff - my husband could keep everything else. I went to stay with the new guy I met and to this day I am still there. I am working to become a part of this new country and learn the language and overall I am relatively happy, I still love my new boyfriend and I still don't love my ex-husband. My life is no longer too boring and I feel like the world is open to me, I have opportunities to become someone more and not be stuck in a horrible city where our dream house was. I don't know where I'll be a year from now and I find that I like this.
But I hate myself. I hate myself so much at the same time as I like my new life. I have a diary devoted to my ex-husband and my feelings about everything that happened, but I got nobody to talk to. I have no friends, and my family and I aren't this close. Nobody knows any of this except my new boyfriend, and still I'm not too keen to discuss too much with him the pains that I still suffer from my previous relationship, even though sometimes he notices and we talk a little bit.
I feel terrible because the one man I would have given everything for, that one man I stopped loving. I don't understand how I could stop loving him. He did nothing wrong. He did not cheat on me, he didn't treat me bad, heck, we never even had fights. All the reasons that normally apply to a failed relationship don't apply to me, I just don't love him and who's suffering? He is. He is incredibly lonely and sad and does not understand, let alone get over, the fact that we seperated. We still talk and I'm still helping him with some things and honestly it still feels like he is my soulmate, but not romantically. He's my brother and I still love him to bits and care greatly about him but not romantically. He did nothing wrong and deserved none of this and on top of that I cheated on him. He's aware of this now, too - I didn't tell him before because he had explicitly asked me to not tell him if this happened. But I could not have a conversation with him without feeling like I was lying, so eventually I told him. He reacted better to it than I thought, but on top of everything I did to him, I also betrayed him in this way. He's suffering immensely, and he's getting professional help also, but he's terribly lonely and terribly unhappy and I am the one, single, cause of all that. I turned his life from dream to nightmare. I did this to the best, most amazing person I have ever known. I feel like I should get back with him just so I can erase his pain, because I have this power. But I'm not doing it, because my heart doesn't want to, and my unwillingness to make this small sacrifice makes me hate myself. It's not like being with him is dreadful, not at all. But I don't love him.
I cannot live with myself and this guilt and I don't know what to do. I can't forgive myself. I'm a horrible person, I am the witch from all the bad romance comedies, I am that ex that families talk about loathingly at the christmas dinner table and all I ever wanted in my life was to be a good person and now I'm anything but, singlehandedly destroying the one person I promised to protect and love forever.
Any advice or... anyone to talk to would be great. Anything you can come up with to make either his or my life more bearable would be great. Thank you
I have learned that things change and people change over time and sometimes without warning. No amount of guilt can solve the past. You shouldn't feel totally to blame in this. Your heart cannot lie. Its better for both of you to live a truth rather than a lie. He will pick up the pieces and find his way. It will be hard and will take some time but he knows your heart weighs heavy with guilt and im sure in the end when he finds himself he will realize that hurting him hurts you too. And im sure he wouldn't wish that pain on someone he loves just as you dont.
No matter who wants the divorce, these feelings of sadness and guilt are quite common. They get less, trust me.
One thing that can hold an ex close to you is guilt and pity. Time to let those things go.
I am picking up that you wanted him to make you happy and that didn't happen, so you got bored. Is that a pattern in your life? (thinking that men should make you happy)
You say you don't have any friends or family. Do you work? School? Career? Hobbies?
Perhaps some counseling would help you discover what it is that will make you fulfilled.