Txt an ex while In a long term relationship
Hi all need advice! Ok I am in a long term relationship with children and been with my partner 29yrs!
My problem is that,10yrs ago I txt an ex during a rough time at home & spoke with him over a week end that resulted in me getting extremely drunk and telling him I was deleting his number otherwise I'd end up wanting sex with him!I have no idea why I sent that mess & instant regret, although he never received the mess because I had found this mess in a drafts box and so did my partner!
While my partner flew into a rage to be expected all I did was sit and take it while scared at what was happening,my partner wanted to know everything that had happened and so I told him although I didn't say I had actually spoke as well as txt him that week end,I love my partner so so much and I really don't know why I did what I did and hate myself for it!
Anyway rewind 10yrs on and my partner all these years kept saying I was keeping something from him convinced I had met up with him and had sex but I promise I did not at all,the txt was all that happened and since then my partner has been told that I did actually speak to him over the phone!
My partner now does not trust me at all and it's causing massive problems at home!I really don't know how to regain his trust and when he has doubts and questions me unfortunately I fly off the handle because it's been so many years and I know I didn't take it any further but because I lied about talking to the ex and what was said he is still torturing himself!
How do I fix my relationship when I feel no matter what or how I deal with this he will never regain trust?
Yes I am X I did not help the situation either buy not saying that I had actually spoke to the ex over the phone for half hr and then txt implying I would like to start some sort of fling,my partner kept saying over 7yrs that I was keeping something from him and that it didn't add up, I took full responsibility for what I did and the pain I caused him, only problem was over 7yrs while he felt something was being kept back from him, I assumed that he believed I had met up with him or actually did act on my txt! I never did and for 7yrs I kept screaming at my partner that I was innocent of what he was thinking and that all I told him was the exact truth, but of course I left out the fact I had spoke to him on the phone and a txt. what has happened now is that he felt that I caused him more pain by not saying everything up front when it happened and because of that he now feels I do nothing but lie! No matter what I say or do I cannot stop the torment he is suffering and I cannot believe I did this! I just don't know where to go from hear now, any advice? And what has happened with you hun
I beleive that even if you have told the WHOLE TRUTH, may have made no difference. HIs insecurities will not allow him to forgive you and until he can truly forgive you, there is no way to regain trust. Was your EX the one who told him about the call and txt?
If it wasn't this issue it would have been something else. You need speak up for yourself tell him 7-10yrs is long enough to be torment. Tell him again you made a mistake, that you regret hurting him. Suggest going into counseling, if there is no sign that he can or will change, are ?you willing to remain in this relationship
Hi there,thank you for the reply, do you not think that I have caused all this though? I did not offer all information at first when he asked and kept telling him that I had been saying the truth only for him to ask again and I said a little more & again and again over this time.
The txt mess that he read didn't make sense because it looked like the mess was a reply, he asked me what mess where in between and for the life of me I do not remember because I was drunk!
He kept asking and asking, each time I would say something different that he either didn't know already or didn't fit what I had said, each time I would say that's it, I have told you everything and each time there was a little bit more but I never said,when I say bit more, what i mean is I had said I sent a random message when I was drunk that night but I obviously had conversation with him that I can't recall.
Now it was 7ys later that I told him about the txt saying I was going to delete his number & that I had spoke to him over the phone.
I should have just said everything from the start because I just made the situation a whole lot worse really and made him think I was actually in some sort of affair (that I wasn't).
This has been ongoing since it began because I never told the whole truth about the texting and phone call, and now that I told him he says how can he trust me after each time he asked the story would be different.
I keep blaming myself for this every day because I put us in this situation,even though it's gone on all this time do you think I should keep trying or have I completely ruined my family? Over a stupid bloody txt?
You made a mistake, got caught tried to redeem yourself as best you can. You have to decide if 7yrs of torment is enough. Since he is unable and incapable of forgiving nor trusting you then you need to decide if 7 yrs is enough mental imprisonment. Are you willing to consider a divorce because without trust in a marriage there is no marriage. Is he willing to go into counseling to help the relationship? If not are you ready to walk away from this marriage so that both of you have a chance to have happier lives.
He says I have to mend the situation because I caused all this, also he believes I am always lying, I lied about my past history before I met him and that even though I txt my ex,when we did have a separation before this happened my ex came back to the house and yes we did kiss and it ended in an argument with me asking him to leave!I did not go any further than that but I can see how this looks,I have not been completely honest to him about past relationship and have been trying to give him all the info ever since but he always tries catching me out and causes arguments,now I know I cannot remember dates and time scales but this is also something he reminds me of,says I never try
And guess what! Suzz he has just come in and I asked him he he wanted to end the relationship and he said yes,because of the way I am! Then an argument kicked in and I said why are you arguing with me again,you have just ended the relationship his reply was yeah because you always end it!omg I am loosing my mind!