Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife
I've been with my partner for 8 years. (We've been in a relationship for 4 years and got engaged for 1 year. Our marriage is turning 4 years now.). Just a few months ago, he mentioned to me that his mother is already old and wanted them (mom&dad) to live with us maybe 3 years from now. I somehow didn't like the idea (as my husband is a mama's boy). I told him that I might not be comfortable having his parents around. But he answered me in a joke way with getting a divorce if I don't agree with it. I felt really disappointed that I took his joke and agreed with it. Today, he brought up about his sister who is stress about her sister-in-law going to live with them for 2 years. I answered about having same feeling and that I am more stress because his parents is going to live with us until their dying age. And he said again to just have a divorce. This time I didn't sound a joke. It just hurts. Knowing that we are already planning to have a baby next year.
I really felt bad giving him stress but I myself is stress. I feel like I am a bad wife for being selfish. Please give me advice or enlighten me.
There are many ways to take care of elderly parents. They don't have to actually share your living space with you.
An attached apartment may do. Paying for help in their own home is another way. Having a live-in with them is possible.
You and your husband need to discuss this and the many options available. Tell him you don't like having the ultimatum of either a divorce or them being taken care of.
Glad to know someone understands me. Though I still cant help but to feel really bad over not letting his parents with us. I read a lot of staying with inlaws, and they all say it has negative effect. I really dont know what to do. Divorce here is really easy as long as both agreed, it takes just 5minutes to do so.
I suggest you not have a child with this man.
It sounds like neither of you are really committed to your vows.
You say, "I've been with my partner for 8 years."
Eight years, and he was perfect. As soon as the doctor says, "You're pregnant," he starts acting like a jerk, starts demanding that his parents live with you two, and talking of divorce.
Some guy he is. Starts talking of leaving his own child if mommy can't live with us.
You say, "as my husband is a mama's boy"
Does this happen every time or what?
You said, "I told him that I might not be comfortable having his parents around." and he replied about a divorce, twice.
You said, "Knowing that we are already planning to have a baby next year." Planning, or you are pregnant?
Everything hangs in the balance.
If you're not pregnant, don't get pregnant.
I just added it up: From now, april, until December, the last month of this year, is 9 full months. That's not next year. That this's year, meaning, if you're only "planning" on having a baby next year, it means you're not pregnant.
Yipee! Oh, happy day. He played his hand too soon. He was supposed to wait until you were pregnant before making demands. How stupid is that?
OK, here's what we're going to do: We're not going to get pregnant. Comprenez? Speaka the language?
Hello? Anybody home? You have enough lucky breaks there to last you a lifetime. You're not pregnant. He can't demand anything.
If you get pregnant, how do I explain this, he then can say, "If you don't let my mummy live with us, I'm going to divorce you, and your baby won't have a father in the home, nor the father's full income."
"See, your baby's life will be ruined."
See, how smart that is that he'll say that as soon as the baby is born? That's brilliant.
But he said it too soon. So he's going to use you twos own baby as a weapon, to force you to do his bidding.
Oh, and guess who's going to take care of mummy? You are, and that ain't no joke.
You say, "Though I still cant help but to feel really bad over not letting his parents with us.
I really dont know what to do."
He's taking advantage of your kindness. Soon he'll be taking advantage of your child.
You're really going to have to start standing up for yourself. I had a hard time with that, also, until I took a really hard shot to the stomach, type of situation.
Then when I realized I was going to die, if I kept letting everybody run over me, I started standing up for myself. If you're acting so sweetly when he's trying to destroy you, you are an easy target, and he won't stop until you are whithered away.
If you feel compelled to give it to all of his demands, he's not the problem, you are.
There is a shying, "You person you have to defeat is the one you have to look at in the mirror every morning."
You are going to have to overcome your timid ways before you can overcome him and others.
You say, "Divorce here is really easy as long as both agreed, it takes just 5minutes to do so."
Just tell him, "You don't agree with that," and when he brings up divorce, you can remain silent, as opposed to appearing to be frightfull. He might not bring up divorce again because, he's stupid, but he's not that stupid.
Be ready to repeat your side of the issue whenever he brings it up again, and he will, then you can bring up the 5 minute divorce, and he may not ever mention it again, when he sees your determination.
Still planning to get pregnant next year. Now I guess I shouldn't be pregnant at all.
I am really at lost. We didn't talk until he sleep. While I cry myself until 5 in the morning. When we woke up. He did talk to me. I decided to act normal as we have to. Had a good lunch outside. Then going back home ended up with the same conversation. He asked me to book a flight back home. And because he said it already so many times, so I did. But I booked a one way ticket to another country to visit my sister for next month. I really dont know anymore. We have so much irreconcilable differences but never had it end up to divorce. Seems like he is firm to choose his parents over me. I am not trying to compete. All I want is privacy, and privacy for me means having a home with him alone. And not a shared home. We have a 5 story house and I told him already we can just sell this house and buy two houses instead. One for us and one for his parents. And questioned him on why not settle us in different means aside from divorce. But he didn't listen. And I really cannot be okay with what he wants no matter how I try to think about giving in.
He may feel strongly about the care and welfare of his parents but that does NOT give him the right to act like a spoiled-brat baby and threaten to end the entire marriage and relationship! What he's doing is called, Waving his Sword of Damocles over your head. Highly unfair, uncooperative, selfish and unreasonable.
He chose you. So now he has to compromise with you or accept when the dual partnership vote gets passed as Aye plus Nay = Nay. If he's saying 'accept this proposal or our entire partnership gets it' then, yes, what he's really saying is, his parents' welfare is more important than his marriage with you (or any marriage?), berbom.
He probably doesn't mean it (I hope?!), probably thinks it wouldn't come to that because, if he would even dare MAKE that threat, let alone so readily each time, then it can only be because he feels confident it'll work to frighten you into submission, doesn't expect you to turn around and effectively say to him, 'Fine - I'll call my lawyer in the morning and suggest you do likewise!'. So you're right to have behaved as if you've taken that at face value and called his bluff by booking yourself a one-way. Really, what other choice has he left you with, anyway?
Or, if you two haven't been getting along for a long time, then what he's saying is, 'I don't rate this marriage very much anyway, but I'll keep you if you're willing to play free carer to my parents'. (Oh, how very generous and flattering of you. Not.)
You didn't sign up to be a home carer, you signed up to be..well, exactly what you said. A wife. One who gets to enjoy her marriage and privacy in her own home before even having to THINK about taking on such a huge and unwanted responsibility so prematurely. I mean, did he warn you that this lay on the horizon or were even a future consideration, back when you said I Do? If not - call 'Advertising Standards' about his giant mis-sell and moving of the goalposts!
Asking and being prepared to accept whatever answer is one thing. But trying so soon to force you into making a serious disruption to your otherwise normal lifestyle like it had always been a part of the initial contract, if it wasn't, is highly underhanded.
Is he normally this much of an over-domineering bully when he wants his way? And how come he's gained such a strong impression of you wanting and needing this relationship so much more than he does? Does the clue lay in his telling you to go back to your own country?
You've done the right thing. And if he doesn't like your reaction or the meatier consequences of his choice of action, then, next time he'd better think twice before making such serious-sounding threats, hadn't he!