Unexpectedly, we have both been very good at this relationship. We have a very open communication, we trust each other very much, we are not overly jealous, we give each other the right amount of space, instead of fighting or arguing we always talk about things in a constructive way and try to find the right compromises, etc. We are both insecure, but we've more than managed! All in all, I've never been happier! The way I feel about her is something I never felt before and I truly feel like this is real love from both sides. I can just feel it.
The problem is that sometimes (not very often) I just get an unbearable urge to push her away... For example if she texts me something nice something in my brain tells me to ignore her... When we won't see each other for a few days, something in my brain just tells me to not text her and reply in a cold way if she does. I'm 99% sure she loves me as much as I love her (there always has to be some uncertainty, right?), but in those moments something tells me that she doesn't even care about me and that I should just get away from her and not say a word. Sometimes we have plans to do something and I feel the urge to just cancel... Luckily, it's very rare and there's also a good part of me. I made a promise to myself never to act on these weird feelings, and I have been able to do it 90% of the time. But I feel incredibly bad for even having those thoughts, I never want to cause her any kind of hurt! I asked her recently how she thought our relationship was going and she said everything was just perfect and she was very happy, so we're on the same page.
But why do I get these urges!? Is it insecurity? Fear of being hurt? Fear of commitment? Fear of losing her somehow? Fear of being vulnerable? I'm angry with myself at the moment, because I just want to be with her and make us happy without having those bad feelings.
We've been officially together for 3 months, but it's been about 6 months since we talked about our feelings for each other. I just want to be normal! Or is it that the relationship is not what I need right now?
1) I feel happier when I'm with her. And I feel fine when I'm away from her, I don't feel like I need her to be happy, but I do feel happier when I'm with her.
2) I feel stressed when I get these thoughts, but otherwise I feel really happy when I think of her or when I'm with her.
3) I don't feel trapped, I just feel very vulnerable and (at those moments) I feel like ruining it because I feel she doesn't care about me.
4) I never cared about being single, but I definitely don't miss it right now. I feel so much better with her.
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