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I need advice.. help please

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Relationship advice Hello everyone,
I will try to keep it as short as possible and i would appreciate if you could give me your opinions. Like most people here, i have some problems in my relationship.

I 've been with my partner for almost 4 years and he is 12 years older than me. Initially, we had an amazing relationship, where everyone could see that we were so inlove with each other and so content. we move in together after one year and the relationship started to go down the drains by month. If initially we would have amazing sex every day, now it has become something rare, and sometimes we go months without it.
I am in my late twenties and i must confess that i miss that, but every time i tried to talk to him, he is forever blaming me. i tried everything i could from buying sexy lingerie, to romantic dinners, hot baths and candles but the result is the same. We do fight alot, now more than ever, but i am just sick of going to bed at night and feel so unsexy to my partner. I caught him few times masturbating at porn which really upset me, to the point that i smashed his laptop, because i just don't understand why he does that when i have been constantly asking him to make love to me. I am pretty attractive, tall and slim and always looked after my appearance.

I don't understand how is possible that we have become like this, from a couple that used to cry while saying to each other how we feel, a couple that used to have an amazing sex life, two happy people, to these miserable creatures.
In spite of the fights, and all the things that hurt, i don't want to leave him, because i love him very much. But, i really could do with some advice. I am wondering if he is having an affair ( as he works with over 100 women- and he's the boss ), or if he is just not in to me anymore physically, or simply he just doesn't love me.
before he use to love going out with me and seeing lots of me turning their heads over, now he accuses me of trying to get attention, although i never been interested in getting anyone's attention but his!

Also, every time in arguments when i mention engagement and get angry that he did didn't proposed till now, i get the same answers- "your fault, because we are always fighting"..
I mean it takes two to tango, two to argue... and i will genuinely admit if it was my fault, (especially here) but i just feel he is using everything just as an excuse to justify his behaviour towards me.

WHAT do YOU think?
Please give me some advice, i am becoming desperate and so fed up at this stage... Thank you!

I need advice.. help please

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To be honest Fighting and arguing almost everyday will eventually get tiring, me and my girl are going threw the same thing and I'm just at that point where I'm starting not to care anymore about anything. I was the guy who took her flowers every week, held her hand when we drove, called her gorgeous everyday, but once the arguing started and never stopped it made me not want to be intimate, or just be around her at all. granted were still together to this day, I sat her down and talked to her about my past relationship and said I'm just tired of arguing and fighting already and not going to put up with this I know were gonna have disagreements but this has to stop or I'm leaving. I'm almost positive hes not cheating he is an older gentleman and just doesn't want to fight or argue ... Best of luck to yall

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Bear,

It's good to hear a different opinion than your own- sometimes it just feels like there's too much water over the bridge and that it may sink..
I just don't know what to believe anymore, but you're right in what you're saying , i guess people react differently to things. what really bothers me is that he never wants to move on with things, and he will argue still about things that happened 3 years ago... and i don't see the point in that.. it feels like he is creating this arsenal and when we fight he just brings out everything :-(

Thank you for your advice, is appreciated .

Regards

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Evening Brownies,

Please bear with my cynicism. I recently posted a thread called "struggling" which may help you understand why I have such a strong view on your problem.

I would definitely look in to whether he is cheating on you. I just found out my boyfriend of two years has been in this whole other relationship the entire time, so I have in theory been "the other woman" - although entirely unknowingly.

What is his general behaviour like when you are together? Does he turn his phone on silent and keep it out of view? Does he take it in to the toilet for a long period? Does he give you explanations for his whereabouts but in broad terms, such as "I was just at a friends house"?

I work with my (ex)boyfriend but found out his other girlfriend lives 60 miles away and he was maintaining a fully committed relationship with us both at the same time.

We are in eerily similar situation as I can imagine this poor woman writing a thread exactly similar to yours.

Sending you my thoughts and well wishes

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Kimbo I'm sorry your bf cheated on you and admitted it to, but your problem is you want to stay with him. Browneyes man just could be going threw something else IDK what, but its not always an issue with cheating that causes relationships to break apart. I'm just trying to be positive for her and not throw assumptions that she should definitely look into him being unfaithful. I was with my ex 11 years and caught her with her ex bf in our apt so people would think I have trust issues or be very insecure and think everyone wants to hurt me the way she did, but I'm not. I moved on because there are plenty of people out there who will treat you right, why would you want to continue a relationship with someone who broke your heart and hurt you tremendously just my opinion and I wish both of yall the best :)

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Kimbo and Bear,

It is very hard to tell what's going on with him and that's why i asked for advice.
He is displaying a very cold and careless attitude and it's been like that for over a year . He does take his phone in the toilet, i caught him before even deleting messages and phone calls from his friends ( a had a look at his phone one day and then later when he was looking at it i realised that he deleted calls) which i don't understand why .
he is working with lots of women and they are always showing up to work dressed like they're going out, we are away from each other all day, and if i ask him anything bout his whereabouts , he shouts and tell me i'm not his mother, and that he doesn't have to report to me.
i don't get on with his sister, which tried everything to break us up, as he's been on her own for 10 years, and she believes that my bf should fulfil every role for her. His business partner is his ex gf(from about 20 yrs ago) whom i might add told me that i may be the gf, but she's been around for long so she's always going to be more cherished by him.
Now, couple that with him telling me in arguments repeatedly that i'm not special and that he's done with me, plus everything i wrote above that's going on... and what the hell should i think? :-(
Thank you guys for your replies!

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What line of work is he where he's around 100 woman? Your whole story is not red flags but Red Flares!! He seems like the wine and dine the discard them Ass hole type. I believe you'er being naive about what's really going on. It was great in the beginning because you were the Hot Young 20yr old.

His defensive disrespectful attitude towards you, always blaming you,telling you that you're not special and he's done with you, his changed attitude towards you, treating you as if you don't matter to him.

Do you have you own job/money? Do you own your own car? Could you support yourself if you decided to leave? Do you expect your relationship to move towards marriage?

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While awaiting your answers to SK's queries...

"but i just feel he is using everything just as an excuse to justify his behaviour towards me."

That's exactly what jumped out at me from all you wrote, including that bit about how he stockpiles ammunition (even ammo that's strictly obsolete and by-the-by). But it could simply be that he can no longer bust the gut he busted initially, in order to woo then catch you.

Now caught, feet safely under the table (so to speak), he's done what a lot of lazy-minded or time-short/pre-occupied types do. This: "Haaah....Got her, now I can relax, kick back, and concentrate on my business again'. Feeling neglected, unable to see anything you've done to warrant that, and basically trying to ask WHY yet getting non-cooperation in whatever format each time you try to discuss things - these (what should be) mere discussions end up as unproductive arguments.

I can tell that's the case from how honest and willing to be criticised you are you and yet, him not willing to be likewise, got so damn frustrated you took it out on his laptop. Not that I'm condoning anyone destroying someone else's property, but that's sounding highly characteristic of the overly exasperated lather a passive-aggressive man get you in to.

Am I close?

I'm betting the porn habit preceded you but got hidden during the 'bag her' campaign.

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Skinny girl,

the story will sound even worse if i fully tell. when we met,( we met on a plane btw) i was living in another country and a year later, i decided to move over and ive regretted that since. his escuse was that we was to tide up over here, with his business, plus his kids(they live with their mothers). so i moved over, got a job full-time,( now only working part-time) and then been admitted to law school, and currently doing my finals.
I do have my own car, and i am more than able to get a full-time job, once i finish my degree. But it has proven to be a very tough time, because what's going on in my relationship has seriously had an impact on me. I even had counselling and been taking medication for severe depression, which of course, to him was a big joke. I tried to harm myself one night because i was so low and desperate and i've been accuse of emotional blackmail. It is just hard now that i've pursued a career over here, to go anywhere. I left all my friends behind, and everything else i had before to be with the man which i thought was prince charming.
If i am honest to you all, i think i have been too scared to move on, to anxious, and not strong enough.
The typical syndrome i guess of a emotionally abused woman although violence is not a stranger to this relationship either.
Now i am not going to play the victim, i can get really nasty too at times and i have a fiery temper, i said and done hurtful things too, but i always hope that "we" can change and be what we used to be.
But i am starting to realise that every day with more fights, more arguments, his coldness, his carelessness, my anger towards the situation--- that we aren't going where i hoped we would.

A relationship is about give and take and i just feel there is no love coming from him no more, he goes days without even giving me a hug or a kiss.
In the meantime, because i stress and get upset so much, i can't focus on anything- my job or my studies..and i feel, i'm losing my sanity at times.

I need advice.. help please

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Soulmate,

I think you're very much on point . I have an older friend who always tried to explain to me how things work for most men throughout a relationship.
He calls the incipient period the "hunting period", and following that period all goes down or become static- and although i've listened, i never actually tried to digest the truth that it carries.
I believe it's common to live in denial and surely i have done a great job at it.
All i hoped was to be able to sort our problems and differences without arguing about something i said 3 or 2 years ago. I genuinely think that is not normal to argue about something that occurred so long ago, but he disagrees.

I also don't understand why he stays with me when his behaviour is so nonchalant, so cold and so hurtful. All he wants to talk about is what i do wrong, and dare i to tell him that HE is wrong about anything.
Although it sounds horrible what i am writing- and i feel so sad for even writing these things- i wish i was stronger and actually did something about it.
I told him few times that i will leave, and his answer is that he is looking forward to his new life and that i should have left long time ago.
But then when i actually looked for a place to live and bought boxes to pack, he came running with crocodile tears and begged me not to go.
Now, what do i make out of that lot? :-(

I need advice.. help please

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ps. i apologise for all my spelling errors, a bit difficult to type while at work .. ;-)

I need advice.. help please

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browneyes117 - get out : find yourself some cheap but decent something to rent - and get out - you're young : you deserve better

get out - so you can concentrate on finishing you studies - you're nearly done and then - you'll be able to get yourself some good decent job - elsewhere : envision somewhere where you would be happy to live and start a new chapter to your life

people you left behind ? that's life : you'll make new friends

get out because this is not going to get better - and it has nothing to do with love : put your precious love back into the lovely box in your lovely heart and move on - save your love for someone who deserves it - who deserves you

don't waste more time : cut the cord and get out - think about yourself - put yourself first and ask yourself what it is that would do you the greatest good - now - tomorrow - in the weeks to come - be real about it

right now you're just fading away in an unhealthy situation and you're doing yourself harm : do you really think you deserve that ?

no ? - so move on - c'mon : you can go this :)

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Browneyes, I think you are getting very sage and tempered advice here. Especially from THEDYANMICSOFSOUL. You are young, working hard at establishing a career for yourself, and it sound like you are very open to accepting responsibility for any part you may have had in creating the situation.

But the things you have shared are, as someone else said, Red Flares. The fact that the relationship started to sour after just one year and continues to get worse is very important in my eyes. I don't believe relationships can be repaired if both people are not willing to try, and it doesn't sound like your bf is willing to try all.

It won't be easy to end the relationship and move on, but the sooner you do, the sooner you have a chance to be happier than you are now.

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thanks for you encouragement Changling and Thedynamicofsoul and i wish i could take your advice and move on but it's so hard o leave behind everything you hoped for. it was my dream to spend the rest of my life with this man, and sometimes its just to hard to detach yourself from everything you ever wanted.
I wish i knew what he really wanted, and not hurt because of all the malicious things said in arguments.
I wish i found a way to make this right and make him see that i care and in spite of everything, i still do want to let this go.
but maybe , if in reality he doesn't love me anymore, perhaps i am just fooling myself every day ;-(

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you say you wish you knew what he really wanted : if he really knew - it would be obvious - if it isn't then he's unclear with himself and taking you along in his confusion and/or contradictions

you say you wish you found a way to make this right : why would it be of your responsibility to make something right ? do you feel responsible for upholding the relationship ? do you feel guilty ? of what then exactly ? and what about him ? does he feel responsible - and shows it - in action, deed and communication ?

you say you want to show him how much you care : since when is everything resting upon your shoulders and is it your job to "prove" him your love ?

I believe you are taken in by what you expected from the relationship - you seem to hold on more to the dream - the vision - your vision of what a perfect relationship could be and your projection of this on a reality that doesn't validate this

what is hard for you is to move on from hope but hope is something you can invest elsewhere - in something or someone that shows sustainability

one can become addicted to a dream - not so much the dream but the lack that comes up when the dream is not realized : you are staying in this unhealthy relationship because of the lack - you want the lack to be fulfilled but if it's not there - what is needed to be satisfied - it's not there - be real about this

it is possible you also feel you've "failed" - which is not true : you tried - it didn't work out - own your part - for yourself - no need to go and make it public necessarily or share it with anyone who will not understand - this is an inner work of personal closure - leave the rest to him - he's got his part in it that is his part - if he doesn't want to handle it - that's his problem

I believe it is not that he doesn't love you anymore but maybe it is that he doesn't know what love is : maybe he played "the game of love" in the beginning - wanting him and you to believe in it (which you did) but when someone doesn't know how to love and care - it'll show inevitably - he can not fool himself and take you down in his illusion

be the mature one and see things for what they are - and what they are worth to you : in this life - you count - it's your life - nobody's going to live it for you

think about it but don't wait too long - every day that goes by - you are hurting yourself : why would you do that ?

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"but maybe , if in reality he doesn't love me anymore, perhaps i am just fooling myself every day Crying"

Well, BrownEyes, since you two have been living like marrieds, why don't you cut through all the crap, find out EXACTLY where you stand by putting that question to the ultimate test in telling him something like, 'Listen, things are just not right between us. I'm not happy, you're CLEARLY not happy. But I'd rather not just bail on this relationship without our first knowing we've tried everything within our power to see if we can rub along better and be happier together again, like we used to be. So I'm going to propose that you and I go and talk to a couples counsellor together to get to the root of whatever the problem is between us and see if it can be sorted'.

If he says No more than once (but on separate occasions, preferably a few days apart so that you can't put it down to his having been in a bad mood or still bristling from the last fight), then you could say to him, 'I'm sorry, but I don't think I can carry on without expert intervention, and I thought the very fact of my making that proposition made this perfectly clear. But maybe not. So I'm going to ask you one last time to show me you're as willing as I am to fight for this relationship. If your answer is still no, I shall be forced to take that as your way of signalling to me you do *not* want this relationship to continue'.

When you say it each time - be deadly CALM and neutral. Think Mr Spock from Startrek. (And make sure he's not engrossed in the telly or whatever else.) And if/when he says no, don't say another word.... do NOT get roped into another contentious discussion. Just close your eyes, making the 'stop' sign with your hand, then turn around and just as quietly and calmly walk away to another room. If this is highly uncharacteristic of you, which I'm sure it is, then that should be enough to get him sitting up to attention and getting real for a change.

Plan?

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the dynamic of soul,
thanks for your reply, and you are right , this cofusion hurts like hell..
i don't feel guilty about anything in prticular but for all the hurtful stuff we said to each other in arguments.. i just want to love him, but he is not really allowing me to do that. he is just cold and careless and although he claimed that "us" together was his dream, that was a long time ago.
now it's just silence, or arguments.
we go to bed like two strangers. he displays more affection towards his sister than me... i mean she gets hugs, i dont get that either.. everywhere i turn its just hurt and pain... and sadness..

I need advice.. help please

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"i don't feel guilty about anything in prticular but for all the hurtful stuff we said to each other in arguments.. i just want to love him, but he is not really allowing me to do that. he is just cold and careless and although he claimed that "us" together was his dream, that was a long time ago...
now it's just silence, or arguments."

You forgot to add, But then, the minute he can see it's Crunch Time, he's there, weeping and begging at my feet not to leave him.

It's called built-up resentment and sulking (and lacking adult self-control when emotionally overwrought) and bluff and posturing tactics. Read this (focus on everything the OP says) and see what, if anything, strikes you as being uncannily similar to your and your boyfriend's current impasse (save obviously for the long-distance/immigration-induced role-reversal aspect): http://www.peoplesproblems.org/showtopic/8212/Moving-In-Together-After-Onlinelong-Distance

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soul mate,
thank you for your advice, perhaps i should try exactly that, although i did mention previously about counselling, many, many times, but he sees no point in it, as he tried it in past relationships. so i went on my on, because i have lots of other problems in my life which i feel i can't deal with at times...
i will try your tactic, once more and see where i get with it..
i will have a reas at the link you've sent, i hope it helps...
thank you so much for all the advice, i really appreciate it!

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Ah, bou're not 'trying my tactic once more'. It has a brand new slant on it that you've yet to try, making it a new tactic. Innit. ;-)

Keep us posted.

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Soulmate,

Sadly nothing seems to be working. No matter what i would say, simply he doe not want to move on and just chooses to have an argument about anything he can think of.
I suggested seeing a counsellor, but i got the expected answer. "i'm not going to waste my time".

When i ask what he wants, the answer is the same, he DOESN'T know what he wants.
So i said that it's time for him to make his mind up, once and for all, because i just can't play these games so more.

All this mess while trying to study for my finals...it's just too much!

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Well, for someone who doesn't know what he wants, it's pretty strange how he seems to know exactly what he DOESN'T, don't you think?

*I* think he's in a place where he's got a lot of ranting to get out of his system (he's obviously got issues), and wants to keep you sat tied to your audience chair.

What did he say when you said you can't play these games any more?

Also, what I'd like to know is, how long after moving in did he suddenly cease his charm offensive?

********

But, look, your studies have to come first. (They shouldn't. But this guy is giving the impression they ought.) Is there anyone with whom you could bunk down with, just until your exams are over, or could you afford a B&B (some offer deals for long-term stays if you ask)?

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I don't know what to make out of it.

I tried to talk to him again last night but it got me nowhere. Same thing.. "i don't know what to do..".

Well it's pretty simple, i thought. You either stop playing games or i'm just going to have a mental breakdown!!!

Sadly enough, he doesn't see that he is playing games. That was his answer. Shouting and screaming once again- telling me that it's all my fault.

He really has some issues "with being someone's fault". I don't know if that goes back to his childhood or not, but certainly there's something there..

Now, with a month left before my finals and all this stress, this morning on top of it all, my blood tests returned "not good"- to quote the doctor, when he called me to tell me that i need to have a biopsy :-( I almost had a panic attack...

I am already booked for spinal surgery in the summer, as my back is destroyed, and now this....

Anyway, that didn't seem to faze him when i rang, but instead all he was concerned about was that his sister invited him (ALONE) out for her birthday. I believe i did say that i don't get on with her (because she always hated every gf of her brother) and that she always tried to convince him to break up( i've heard her myself).

She wants to be taken out for dinner (of course he has to pay) and then for them to go out for the night with a group of people. Not being unreasonable there, but this is the same sister that did not bother to send him a card for his birthday, or a gift, the same sister that insulted me before publicly, every time she got drunk.
I don't want to stop him from going but i really think that he should weigh everything and realise that she's doing it deliberately, and maybe he should think about me a bit.. and what's going on right now.

I am worried sick and that's what he wants to talk about ... it's unreal, right?

But i guess i'm yet set for another disappointment, as this guy never stood up for me in any form or shape.

And to answer your question , about 6 months after moving in together, the whole drama started, and gradually it got worse.... To this stage of madness.


All i wonder is how can i cope with it all??

Now more than ever.

I need advice.. help please

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please Browneyes - do me a favor : get out - leave - go away : find a friend who can let you sleep over for a couple of days/weeks so that you can finish your exams and organise to get your life back in order - or find a little something cheap to rent - but just leave will you ?

this (the situation/relation) is obviously not getting any healthier - you say that his sister is also pretty good at stirring up sh*t - that he doesn't want to make any real efforts : so why bother ? to be right ? to be proven right ? to get closure ? to be able to explain yourself and be listened to and understood ? you clearly can see that this is not happening - so give up

give up on the relation but not on you - it is high time you give attention - in priority - to your mental & physical health - living in such toxic environment is not going to help

be the strong one here - for you : cut it off and go

you'll get over it - there are enough persons here on this forum to help you get through - please post as much as you need to - to vent - to get it out of your system - you're not alone - you can do this

go for it ! it's YOUR life .. :)

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"Now, with a month left before my finals and all this stress, this morning on top of it all, my blood tests returned "not good"- to quote the doctor, when he called me to tell me that i need to have a biopsy Crying I almost had a panic attack...

I am already booked for spinal surgery in the summer, as my back is destroyed, and now this....

Anyway, that didn't seem to faze him when i rang, but instead all he was concerned about was that his sister invited him (ALONE) out for her birthday. I believe i did say that i don't get on with her (because she always hated every gf of her brother) and that she always tried to convince him to break up( i've heard her myself).

She wants to be taken out for dinner (of course he has to pay) and then for them to go out for the night with a group of people. Not being unreasonable there, but this is the same sister that did not bother to send him a card for his birthday, or a gift, the same sister that insulted me before publicly, every time she got drunk."

Yep. We've tested him out, he's failed and STILL failing - ...I mean, giving this revolting woman his time, energy and money despite he's first-hand seen her attack his relationship?! He sounds like he not only lacks empathy but loyalty. So I'm going to echo DoS and my own statement in saying:

Leave. If he wants to chase you back with promises of having seen at least SOME error in his ways and for turning over a new leaf - he can always do that... he's a big boy, he knows how (hence he managed to bag you in the first place). If not, let's hope he and his poisonous-sounding, HIGHLY immature sister will be very happy together (she obviously desperately wants her 'personal lackey' all to herself). Doubtful...she sounds like a DREAM. Sorry - nightmare.

If you want to get him back, new and improved (including having cut the umbilicus to his sister), or you want to end it (or consider ending it once you've had room to breathe and reflect) then leaving is your only remaining solution to either of those outcomes.

What are your options on that bunking-down score? List them out here.

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Dear all,

Although your advice is that i should leave,( i agree with it btw), my situation at the moment is not easy. Not only that i have my finals in 4 weeks, but also my health is problematic.
Even if i wish i could just run off for good, at this point in time is just impossible. Sadly, i have to try and live in this mess for a couple of months more.
I hate the fact that i do love him, although he hurts me so much everyday. I am genuinely battling to cope with everything that's on my plate right now, not just the mess related to this destructive relationship... but with everything.
The fact that i feel so alone, and so far from my family doesn't really help. I feel that there is absolutely nobody able to help me right now.

I am sorry for my lamentations, but i guess i've just been hit by everything that's going on right now. And i am very sad.
I am stuck in here one way or another at least till i finish with my exams which may have to be deferred if i don't pull myself together.

I am just asking myself why i have been so blind???

It's not like i can just go back to my home country or ran somewhere else.
My efforts, my work has been put into this course for the past 3 years.

And doesn't he just takes advantage of it all now? I guess this makes him somewhat sadistic, because he knows that now more than ever he can say and do what he wishes, because i just can't go..

I hate what i have done to myself.

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"[It's not like i can just go back to my home country] or ran somewhere else."

Oh yes you can.

You need to confide in your GP so that he or she can prescribe you a little something, something mild at a low dosage, yet still perfectly capable of seeing you through the next 2 months, by way of suddenly finding it difficult to care nearly as much about what he says, thinks or tries to do - but without any initial grogginess (because you're trying to study and sit an exam).

If you wouldn't want a leg-up in pharmaceutical format and would prefer natural/homeopathic then I can highly (HIGHLY) recommend the award-winning, pure, Marine Omega 3 fish-oil capsules - "minimum 12% DHA + 18% EPA" (extra high strength 1000mg per day). During the award-winning trial, the researchers felt morally duty-bound to cap it early - for the simple reason that, given the surprisingly swift and stark improvement to the experimental group (as included all manner of emotional and psychological sufferers, among them, suicidals, grievers, ADHDs, the acutely or chronically stressed) - and we're talking significant improvement within weeks(!) - they felt it medically unethical to continue denying the control group (those taking the placebo) the same benefit. I used them myself, once, and have witnessed them doing their magic on others, and lately have heard too many GPs give them the huge thumbs-up. They have to be pure, though, no trace metals. (Try Vega or Seven Seas, but do check with your GP first.)

One of the problems exacerbating things is indeed the fact of your circumstances making you this obviously victim-bully's 'captive audience' (- bullied-turns-bully, but without the emotional intelligence to change...sister's behaviour towards him standing testament to that whole suspicion). So the above would be a way for you to 'leave' emotionally yet remain still firing on all or even heightened cylinders, intellectually. Again, think Mr Spock and Captain Kirk, but where Spock can't be bothered to tell Jim how things really are or even give him 'the time of day', meaning, Jim just has to keep his nonsense to himself.

In the interim, whilst waiting for the magic to take: ask nothing, offer nothing, try as best you can not to engage him in, including, especially, any emotional conversations whatsoever. 'Please would you pass the butter...thank-you'. Keep it as simple and brief as possible or, better yet, keep right out of his way. DO NOT RETALIATE - I don't care *what* he tries. The rest of the time, just get really engrossed in your studies, seeing it as your step-by-step 'gauntlet-run' to bigger and better things, including a decent, more intelligent, non-issue-riddled boyfriend. Because, underneath it all, that's what this is.

When you need someone in space to hear you scream, so to speak, come here.

Re the phone deletions: he's either [a] trying to keep you from leaving just until he's managed to find (incl. via his phone) 'a better replacement' because he can't face the thought of living alone for however long; [b] likes what the IMPRESSION on that score does to you; or [c] is discussing you/the problems with sister/whomever, in whichever case, not wanting you to read the evidence and meanwhile using the "I don't know" as a delay tactic to buy more time.

I repeat: if you 'leave' but he really doesn't want you to - FOR the right reasons - enough to change his whole attitude and stop his nonsense to prove it, then he's quite capable of doing it. But that does mean, no more attempts from him geared towards upsetting or antagonising you and drawing you into an argument. If he tries, you just say, 'Sorry, but I see little point in trying to discuss it any more so for the time being, let's just try to remain behaving civil and like two grown-adults, can we? I'd really appreciate that.'.

I am little confused, though. You say you have no-where to go and no means for getting there and yet, further up there you said: "But then when i actually looked for a place to live and bought boxes to pack, [he came running with crocodile tears and begged me not to go]."

?

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Soul mate,

When i said that i don't have anywhere to go, what i meant it was that given my health condition (really suffering with my back) and my imminent exams, it is very difficult to try to find accommodation, pack, and go in a matter of 24 days.
He knows i don't have the physical strength or the time in my hands right now, so that's why he is behaving the way he does.
I do have some savings, my part-time job and my own car... But for the time being, i cannot see myself running.. And i guess, this is what frustrates me and makes me so sad. I get comfort out of telling to myself that it will be temporary, and hate myself for feeling about him the way i do, however at time, i fall down the abyss of my own fears, sadness and hurt and i loose all trust.. why one cannot emotionally detach from someone who clearly does them more harm than good? why mentally/emotionally? i cannot let go?
I will try the capsules you suggested, the sound better than the anti-depressants i used to take, which completely ruined my head, my concentration, and even made me feel more depressed. I need some help apart diazepam which appears to be the only thing that puts me to sleep these days.

And with regards to what's going on in my relation, all i can do it try to keep my chin up, although at times, i feel like i'm falling apart.

I hate feeling sorry for myself and i often think of that old saying "you've made you bed, now lie in it", but in spite of that, at times, helplessness and hopelessness is all i feel :-(

Thank you so much for your advice, you obviously can read in between the lines... Much appreciated!

Regards

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Yes. Captive audience. Usually it's one of two reasons (assuming they're no sociopath):
- Resentment and revenge over something you did or habitually do (- what, you wouldn't know, thanks to his refusing to cooperate and just tell you, instead using old news as a 'vehicle' as if it's new)
or
- Revenge/symptoms of unhappiness and anger that should be being directed at someone else entirely (one or more exes?).

Why don't you do a baby-step, i.e. HALF leave him and see how it feels?...by which I mean, tell him (when the time comes, I mean) that you're 'going to stay somewhere for hopefully only a couple of months at the most', to give you both an obviously much-needed breather?

Might having this plan in your head provide you with a sense of there being a light at the end of the tunnel and take a lot of the pressure off?

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Last night i could not sleep.. my head was spinning and i was wired; ended up doubling up on my sleeping but with no effect..
All i could think of is that i want to leave, and how claustrophobic i feel in this relationship.. All this time that went by, and i am here, in the middle of a big" nothing"..
It's such as shame and it's so hurtful to see how others can cause you so much damage and so much hurt and not give a damn about how much you hurt...i feel numb and i know there is no amount of medicine that will lift the weight off my heart..
I must try and stay strong, and preserve the little sanity i have left.
Now i know more than ever that as soon as i am able i must go...
It's just heartbreaking to be alone and feel so depressed. I cannot talk to anyone about it if i am honest. I cannot cause trouble to my elderly parents and i can't place my problems on my sister's shoulders- they have their on.
So Soulmate, i have no option but to do what you advise, and look forward to that day, move towards that light at the end of the tunnel..

I hope i will find the strength ...

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you say "all this time went by and I am here - in the middle of a big nothing" : that's ok - you're indeed in transition - so of course - while feeling "in transition" - you don't really feel you're anywhere - so that's ok - just take it one day after the other

you say : "it's such a shame" : don't feel ashamed for what is not of your responsibility - I know that is hard to do because in the name of love - we are willing to take so much upon ourselves - but do you really need to feel ashamed ? if not - then don't : it's as simple as that

your sanity - depends indeed on what you're willing to take upon you : so please be extra clear about what is of your responsibility and what is not - if you're really clear and stand strong in those beliefs - then you can go forward - otherwise you will be forever going forth and back - wondering whether you still have something to deal with - or get closure on

of course closure (for yourself) takes some time - but that is your own personal/private business : allow for this process to take some time - but meanwhile stay on course with your studies and goals and keep trucking baby - one step after the other - one day after the other :)

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(High Five, DoS! :-))

I need advice.. help please

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BrownEyes, any update?

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-6