I need to get the truth from my husband - who's a proven liar
Hi. I'm a 55yr old woman, married to my 2nd husband 18yrs this year.
He's proven himself to be a liar many times during our marriage. When I first met him he was separated from his wife & 3 kids (he wasn't) 3 weeks after he moved in with me, I found out that he'd left the marital home the day he moved in with me.
His ex-family moved on SO swiftly, moving house etc that it seemed from the outside that it was a mutual split, with him meeting me as being the catalyst.
As soon as he was divorced, we married. He has NEVER seen his children since. 2 girls, 1 boy. Now aged 31, 26, 23.
I have 3 daughters grown up now, aged 34, 33, 23. A 12yr old granddaughter and 3 yr old grandson.
Over the years, we've had issues. Until last December, he was a drinker - every night. EVERY night - 4 cans, 6 cans, sometimes 8 cans.
He's stopped this year, decided to get healthy, started running again (he used to do tri-athlons) He's a LOT nicer without daily alcohol.
He resumed contact with his own 2 daughters a few years ago via facebook. But NOT his son, who was just barely 5 when he left.
He's never been a 'kiddy' person - he's very much a solitary person - I too am an only child, so I understand.
For many years - I first found out around 2006 I'd say - he was into internet porn - it's caused no end of arguments.
The last time we had sex together was 2011. It's been so long now, that I don't WANT him near me in that way. He's never stopped with the online porn. he may well have had sex with other people, I have no idea. At this point in life, I now no longer care. I get upset sometimes because I don't care - when I was totally in love with him, I cared if he even spoke to other women warmly. Knowing myself as I do, not caring what he does means I really don't love him now. We're together because... well because we are & splitting up, living separately, oh, it seems so daunting. Too daunting.
His ex-wife, who I have never met, never spoke to, decided to message me on facebook. She sent me the same message that she sent him via their younger daughter's account. It said that she'd just found out he'd 'touched' his eldest daughter many years ago.
I read the message - never said a word. I contacted her & managed to get a direct email going between us. She sent me the screenshots of the message she sent to him - it's not there on his laptop. he's deleted it. he's not mentioned it at all.
His phone, his laptop, all passworded. (I'm a ninja, I know his laptop password) Over the years, I've found damning evidence when I've needed it - I can have photos of him in my hand & he'd deny it was him - he's done that.
I have no idea what to do. I WILL talk to him about this. I need a few days to get things straight in my head so that I can talk without screaming abject anger. On one hand there's no proof. It's his eldest girl's word against his. On the other hand, if I do nothing & anything happened with our granddaughter, I'd never forgive myself. The other problem is that I can believe it. I don't WANT to believe it. If any of my own girls came to me with the same story, I'd believe them. Any mother would.
We no longer live in the UK, we moved abroad 9 yrs ago. My 2 eldest girls followed us over with their own kids. I can't confide in my daughters.
My 2 true friends who would/could help are in the UK, I can't talk to them via message or phone. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea where to go.
If I left, what would I say to the kids? What would I live on? Where would I go?
Sorry. This is me voicing things in type, to try & take the fear out of my head. I'm scared, I feel alone and I have no idea what happens next.
"His ex-wife, who I have never met, never spoke to, decided to message me on facebook. She sent me the same message that she sent him via their younger daughter's account. It said that she'd just found out he'd 'touched' his eldest daughter many years ago."
"He's proven himself to be a liar many times during our marriage. When I first met him he was separated from his wife & 3 kids (he wasn't) 3 weeks after he moved in with me, I found out that he'd left the marital home the day he moved in with me."
"On one hand there's no proof. It's his eldest girl's word against his. On the other hand, if I do nothing & anything happened with our granddaughter, I'd never forgive myself. The other problem is that I can believe it. I don't WANT to believe it. If any of my own girls came to me with the same story, I'd believe them. Any mother would."
Oh, my. The pot is boiling. And you're standing there wondering if the pot is boiling.
Yes, the pot is boiling.
You said he's a proven liar, and when ask if he had molested his daughter, he denied it.
Well, I guess, if you says he lies all of the time, he would certainly lie about that. You already know that before any accusation takes place.
then, after it takes place, you ask, "But can I believe him?"
He suddenly left his former household on a split second notice, for no reason. Then years later, you found an accusation he had molested his daughter, and you can't put 2 and 2 together?
He has no contact with his children ("As soon as he was divorced, we married. He has NEVER seen his children since. 2 girls, 1 boy. Now aged 31, 26, 23.")from the moment he left his former marriage, and you can't figure this out?
What official reason did he give for never seeing them again?
There's something going on even without the molestation charges. Even if he did not molest, he did something that hacked everybody off, that it hacked everyone off, what difference does it make what it was that he did that was so horrendous? Put anything in the blank, he robbed a bank, he obviously did something so bad he had to get out of town in five minutes.
And you can't even figure that part out. He's leading a double life. He's on the run, and you're aiding and abetting.
You're not even curious what the hell he did.
I know what he did, he molested his daughter. Connect the dots.
A. He's on the run
C. his children haven't spoken to him since he left the first marriage decades ago.
D. His first ex-wife says tells you on Facebook that "she'd just found out he'd 'touched' his eldest daughter many years ago."
So the question is, "What is "B?"
Go to A., skipped B., go to C. and D.
Again, what is "B.?"
He molested his daughter.
The only thing you've got going for you is, you know he's a liar.
So, we know when he's accused of molestation, a charge the girl's mother believes (for she said she "found out" her daughter was molested, showing she believes that), he denies it.
Yet you know he's a liar. Who do you believe the mother, who you haven't said was a liar, or your husband, the lair?
Whoa, that's a tough one. And he can't explain why he left the first marriage so quickly, and why he hasn't seen his children since her left decades ago.
Do you need someone to help you pack? I'm free Wednesday, if you need....
The first thing is, no children need to be in his presence, while you muddle the obvious, and ponder his strong points, "he's into running now, for exercise."
When this happens he's going to light into you, right in the stomach. Take it.
He's using you for cover, to restore his "good name," so when you leave, he's going to really let you have it. He doesn't love you, I never said that, I said, you're his cover.
As soon as you leave, he's Mr. Dirt Bag, so he doesn't want you to go anywhere. You're a "loveable dupe" to him. So, he's going to put up a "really" good fight to keep you in the house.
He's going to mention finances, maybe talk of some really good sex, oh, the children and the grandchildren, did I forget to mentioned those?
"Honey, do if for the kids. Those precious, precious things," or some such line.
Don't believe any of it. But then, you're the one who told us, he's a liar.
You've got a disconnect between what you know, and what you know you should do.
Connect the dots. And you can do that for the kids.
You really are a good person, the kind of person we need in the positon that you're in.
You just need a good kick in the ass.
He ain't THAT solitary if, as we see, he can't even abide 2 minutes of being single as saw him lilypad-leaping as instantaneously as all that, can he. YOU'RE a solitary person, Madam, and he's managed to kid you that he's the same ...because it seems to answer the question of why he feels so little attachment to those to whom he should be very much attached, involuntarily so at that, and, what's more, is an acceptable way of being/feeling in your book (were it even true for him). I call it the 'Eek, don't hit me - PITYYY MEEE, MUMMYYYY' tactic.
You said so yourself - he's a proven, habitual liar. 'I asked the habitual liar if he was telling me the truth and he said, Yes" / Oh, did he...so what's yer point?'
Right from the word Go he was lying to you. Started as he meant to go on, did he? Evidently.
(Why *not* the son?)
Let's cut to the chase. This man is a total and utter reprobate who does nothing for you - quite the opposite - and, despite you've had more than ample, damning evidence and clues over this entire 18 year period to call this the undeniable case - TO the point where they've helped considerably with his more direct methods at kicking the love out of you - have failed in all that time to just seek a divorce and move on to a better model (- hardly difficult, all things considered?).
WHY have you? And why only now are you suddenly so incredibly bothered by all this? Because (potential fiddling) your children and grandkid deserve protecting even if you don't? Says (or should I say, SAID) who? And when/how?
"I can have photos of him in my hand & he'd deny it was him - he's done that."
Denying that the sky is Blue, I call it. Narcissistic co-morbid with Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder Alert! (actually, I'd go further and say Sociopath!) ...not that I'm surprised, given that endless portfolio of serious crimes and misdemeanours both marital and societal.
So back to the question about why you don't feel you yourself need or are worthy of protection by your inner parent?
What on earth would be the point in any more attempts to talk to and question him? What - so he can just lie to your face for the Nth time? What do you MEAN, you have no idea what to do? Even leaving this latest horrific fact/rumour aside, have you never heard of a divorce solicitor/lawyer? Or are you that determined to play private detective and get to the bottom of this potential fact/*hearsay, courtesy of his ex-wife, that you don't want to lose your access-based opportunities to interrogate and wrong-foot him?
*One peep after eighteen long years of silence is too long to put down to ex-wife or 'ex'-daughter sour grapes.
"My 2 true friends who would/could help are in the UK, I can't talk to them via message or phone."
Don't they have a phone each? And is this comment a huge clue about why you've held onto this ...er... THING for (no offence) laughably too long?
"If I left, what would I say to the kids? What would I live on? Where would I go?"
'Kids, I have to talk to you. Unbeknownst to you, all this time, my so-called marriage has been HELL...utterly soul-destroying (I'll give you the gen another time, right now I have to concentrate on ensuring my future financial security, etc.). He clearly can't or won't change or not on my timeline, and I can't take another second of it so I've chucked him out and have an appointment to see a Family Law solicitor on X-day'. Is that rocket-science?
Ah, wait - HERE IT IS - THE USUAL SUSPECT:
"What would I live on?"
Er.. a one-off lump-sum or annual Settlement paid monthly until you reach pensionable age or for-life if he (highly likely) p*sses the judge off enough? As for where you'd go: nowhere. You chuck him out and stay put, and he continues to pay the mortgage and all of your living expenses (as closely as possible in the manner to which you're accustomed) via what's called Interim Maintenance (court-order sought very quickly by your solicitor...if not quickly enough, you get your bank to give you a small loan to tide you over until the Decree Nisi).
This is why you need a consultation (find one that offers the initial one free-of-charge and who'd be happy to receive zero lump-sum payment or instalment payments until such time as the court financial order gets issued), so that you'd KNOW all of this and not be sat there feeling trapped and helpless. Frankly, if you'd been already, you've have come on here and typed this: 'PHEW and HURRAH!...OMG, shoulda done it years ago, I cannot BELIEVE I was so SCARED!', instead of considering keeping this human chocolate teapot if it so transpires he's innocent of this ONE crime on his v....ery lengthy rap-sheet- sorry, rap-sheetSUH.
So what are you waiting for?
Trust me, it's not 'daunting' just because your ignorance-based fears fool you into thinking it is. It's BLOODY BRILLIANT! Or it is when the person you've been saddled with is a complete and utter BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Oh, and also... I don't care if you'd said you were SIXTY-five....a HUNDRED and five.... It is never too late to find the love of your life, a *decent, healthy* human being, a relationship with whom enhances your life, gives you a sense of joie de vivre and purpose/new plans, and just basically, 9.9999 days out of 10, makes you feel like the luckiest woman alive. Alternatively, you might enjoy the peace and quiet, total independence and requisite HEAD-SPACE for making firm/firmer friends and getting far closer to- sorry, WITH, those you already know and love.
"...Place the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping small children or others who may need your assistance". Bet you any money you like that 5 years from now, you'll be able to tell your daughters absolutely anything and vice-versa.
If ever there were a case for saying 'Do it! Do it! DO IT!' then this is it.
PS: "he may well have had sex with other people". Course he bloody has. I mean - come ONNNN... If it waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck... IT'S A DUCK.
"Do you need someone to help you pack? I'm free Wednesday, if you need...."
High-Five PJ! (I was still typing while you were posting.)
Hell - TyphooDrinker - I'll get on a plane and help as well!
Sadly only joking... wish we weren't, though, eh.
...but, no, don't you leave, TD, OH, NO, do NOT leave the "former marital home" whatever you do.
Wait until he's out and change the locks. You're not supposed to, really, but  'Whoops, I didn't know that!' and  I think any solicitor, even his own, would turn a blind or lazy eye to that one.
Geez, I sound really pathetic there don't I?
Yeah, I've covered for him every which way I think.
When we first met, I'd known him online for about a year - I used to work on AOL as a chat guide person. There was a chat room where we all hung out & we all met up for a week's break away - I was actually intending to fix him up with a mutual online friend - in real life though, she was at least a foot taller than him, so that never worked
But as far as we all knew, from what he'd told us all, he was a separated man.
Anyway, over the years we've had our problems. We rent our house here & he can afford to live here, but I couldn't.
The law in Ireland is a bit different to the law in the UK, so I'm going to sit & see what I can find out. Then I'll have a look to see where I can get some advice about how to move out, move on. I'm not sure how easy a divorce would be - it's a bloody minefield here, but it's time to take a deep breath & have some 'me time'.
I actually love being a little hermit, to be honest - no more men, it's easier to be by myself - will be a welcome break I think.
Thank you both for being SO bloody straight. Talking to my friends would have me crying, they'd be all sympathetic, they would pussyfoot & tell me what they thought I'd want to hear.
I'm glad I came to get it out. I'll be back - but I need to think, I need time to settle my head & then deal with him & then work a way forward.
If by 'pathetic' you mean, worn down, stressed, not thinking as intelligently as usual as to be capable of seeing your own woods for the trees, then - yes. You've just been run-over by a ruddy great juggernaut ("so ya have"), which came hot on the heels of YEARS of being 'run-over' by tractor-mowers, bicycles and skateboards (and his boots) so - what on earth would you expect?
Superwoman, is it? FYI, only the strong get depressed or sh*t on from a great height. Strong specimens attract parasites (including emotional blood-suckers), do they not. Methinks this whole event is going to see you throwing that cape away for-good (with all the parasites still clinging to it), yelling 'good riddance' at it and getting used to letting people prop *you* up for a change.
You don't sound 'pathetic' in your last message, though. Far from it. Didn't take MUCH to open your eyes that bit wider, it has to be said. So no, actually, you're very refreshing (and obviously need to stop being so hard on yourself from now on), not least for that initial whole stream of consciousness as communicates so much on so many levels without allowing for any fashioning and pre-editing. (More like that one, please, bartender.)
Frankly, TyphooDrinker (mine's Earl Grey - cheers!), I think *everyone* is at least a foot taller than your ex2b (meow).
Oh, and just to be sure you're aware (sorry about this bit), especially because it could be your grounds for filing (which *does* influence judges decisions whether or not any of them realise it or try not to let it or *do* realise it and deliberately use whatever loophools available)... I think it's obvious your husband is toning-up for his (cough!) own benefit. I mean, bar the drinking (which goes hand-in-hand with losing weight and getting into shape) of all the things you would have wanted him to change, I doubt very much that losing a bit of flab or being able to run longer distances was first on your long list, was it.
Thank goodness your kids aren't kids any more, it'll make the process SO much easier and faster.
Yes, please, do keep us updated, including using this thread for as long as you need to. There are a lot of divorcees around here thus great insider tips available that could make all the difference.
No more men for a while is a very sensible idea. Not least because *you* need to 'limber up' as well... only, in your case, to prepare for when (not if) the track your train carriage has now been shunted onto and which your soulmate-to-be's train carriage will likewise have just been shunted onto, wherever he currently is, meet at whichever junction and link-up (that's how it happens). He'll be a hermit as well. Two happy hermits in a pod.
But that's a bridge you'll cross when you get to it. For now, just focus on losing that giant parasite. Re-talking of which...
No, do NOT confront or talk to him about this - any of it. Tip number one: keep your powder dry. If tipped off about what you'll likely do next, he could beat you to the post and start moving marital money and assets around and out of sight. Types like him - conning users - do that.
Anything new to report, TD?