Me and a girl starting talking not too long ago. Only yesterday was it confirmed that we were in a proper relationship.
She's had a rough time with boyfriends in the past which probably lead to some trust issues. Within 10 minutes, we went from texting i love you and hearts to her to it derailing into i dont even know what.
She said one day she wants to lay down and listen to music with me which would have been "chill". I said one day we should do it and she replied with "no" "i cant be like i was when i was with oskar i cant be that sad again cause it'll end and i'll be sad and cry and then you will turn into what you said you wouldn't be (an asshole i'm guessing) because thats what sam and oskar did".
after more of the same i said "i really care about you" and she says "liking and caring are two different things and you care about me 99% and like me 1%". I told her "no i'm both 100%" she says "i just cant believe you idk why" i said "you have trouble trusting because of past experiences". she then brought up that the "me" from 3 years ago used to be a dick and i'll end up the same again. (i have changed considerably since). i say "i dont want you to think i dont take this seriously". she says "no i just dont think you like me thats all it boils down to and idk why" i told her i liked her for a long time and she says "you need me more than you want me" and then a "goodnight."
nothing since. bear in mind this happened about half an hour ago but she's sleeping now.
(Sorry for the wait; hopefully this isn't now all just a moot point?)
She's a once-bitten-twice-shy who wants to baby-step (or feotus-, by the sounds of it...at this early point, I should add) her way into any next relationship, whereas you, it seems, would like things to go far faster (I like you, you like me - let's snog!) as well as have some sort of pre-assurance that there's an actual destination to be had around that corner rather than a dead-end.
So your choice, if you want to end up in a relationship with her, is between:
[a] GOING AT HER PACE (via the flirty friends door) until she has a backlog of evidence and data at whatever critical stage along, for comparing you in her mind to Oskar and Sam. If, for example, she could do that at Month 3 and thereby have enough consistent evidence to see clearly how you're refreshingly different in quite a few discernible and important ways, she would then gain a lot of encouragement and confidence to take things to the next level. If you try to rush her (like you did up there with the 'let's do it!' comment), however, you're going to spook her and send her scampering back into her shell ["per-CHOO!"...cartoon-dust!], saying to herself something like, 'See? SEE? They're all a-holes, all they care about is what THEY want and what's good for THEM, and SOD what I want or need!'...which is another reason behind why she's making you PLOD along with her. It's an unwitting test of your maturity (immature idiots don't have patience and understanding).
(Bear with, b follows.)
She's trying to be in the driver's seat and keep your hands well away from the steering wheel.
UNFORTUNATELY, though, her sense of control isn't meant to be secured via the steering wheel and gas pedal. Men absolutely are supposed to be in the driver's seat during the chase and woo periods, for the fundamentally vital opportunity it gives when it comes to showing the woman what he's made of (what perfect-for-her ratio between "URRR!" and "Ahhh.."
. So the foundation upon which you two would build your 'house' would be at a considerable tilt, meaning the resultant construction would end up likewise, with everything in it having to be lopsided as well. NOT a good start if you want a straight relationship, and nor a good start if you want a smooth-running rather than incredibly bumpy one (with her getting spooked and flinching every time you so much as lift your forearm to scratch your nose) (metaphorically-speaking).
[b] Hurrying her up THE RIGHT AND MANLY WAY:
Email or speech (in your own words): "I agree - Oscar and Sam were a-holes. Ha! - the fact you're so incredibly wary of me is proof enough on that score!.... the basst'ds. But, [name], at this new and more mature point in my life, I am not Oscar and I am not Sam (ugh). I AM NOT YOUR EXES any more than you're MY ex, and quite honestly I resent being treated as if I am. Plus I'm well-aware you need slow handling or v....ery gentle handling or, better yet, both. (And - who told you I *didn't*?) [Don't say that unless it's true] Just TRY me and you'll see. Give me just three real-life dates in the next month (- because, fyi, those are just too spaced-out for your heart to get dangerously attached enough whereby backing-out would hurt), and if you see any of their negative qualities or what you now know are Red flags - ones which, as a package, damage relationships/hurt women, I should add (because I *am* still a man, nothing I can do about that, ha-ha) [
] - you have my word that you can tip my beer over my head before walking out and never seeing me again (or relegating me back to mere friend status). How does that sound? Please would you have a long, hard think about it and get back to me, either with an answer or with anything you want to ask me?".
Say something like that to her (plus, it's true, anyway - your post does show rare thoughtfulness and understanding of her state and sensitivities ("Ahhh..."
, even above your own, if not the full amount of adult-level patience) and see how she responds.
If that doesn't do the trick to coax her further out of her shell then what you'd have to conclude is either,
- she's unfortunately actually wedged into the damn thing (meaning, Sam and Oskar are 'going to get theirs' one day, as in, Comes-Around, and also meaning Right Person (tick), Right Place (tick), Right Time (CROSS)) or
- rather than wedged, she's stood just outside its door, 'spreading herself thin' by attaching by only a wee portion each so that if one dumps/insults, the fact of the others 'cushion her' against feeling a sense of rejection (- her 'brilliantly' self-protective plan...not) (albeit, I can't see any actual evidence of that in what little info you provided).
Alternatively [c], 'kill' her in one fell swoop with calming logic: in response to her 'you need me more than you want me' comment, you could, if you haven't already, say, 'No, I don't need you. I only 'need' you because I *want* you so much and have done for so long. I'd have to be in a relationship with you properly for a good year or two before I could grow dependent on you in ways unrelated to love and desire' (combined with the above 'gimmie three dates to prove myself'
If that doesn't work and she seemingly can't see sense regarding how she'll never know unless she tries, yet simultaneously persists in presenting arguments that you can tell call for yet more 'reassurances and guarantees', then you need to back right off (and let her come to you) because, it might mean she's in the first instance using you merely or predominantly as ego-patching fodder, i.e. deliberately fishing for a whole run of compliments about how gorgeous and wonderful she is, "actually", in order to 'Polyfill' the chunks her exes bit off her, *as well as* set a dynamic whereby, out of habit now having had time to firmly set, you've become stuck in obsequiousness mode (peasant to queen). She needs to re-fill her missing chunks in other, healthier ways, not surreptitiously take chunks out of you.
After all, let's not overlook the actual evidence: if you're 'just another a-hole' then why has she even been bothering with you, what does she need YOU for? (Actions!)
Plus this convo was obviously late at night. She might have just been over-tired and hence falling prey to indulging in a giant pity party at your expense.
I admire your resilience and determination, though ("URRR!"
. Yes, 'if first you don't succeed, try, try again'. However, do the maths and you can see that equals THREE ATTEMPTS (the amount at which any good salesman knows to back off/out).
Sorry - typo - should have read, '...attaching by only a wee portion each to more than one interested party...'.