My life has never been ideal. During my high school years I have struggled a lot, I wasn’t a popular and kid which automatically labelled me as a bullying material. I was verbally abused on a daily basis for all shorts of things my cloths, I was called shit face, nerd, lifetime loser, stupid like a goldfish and several more which I don’t want to include. Sometimes I was also physically abused because I was skinny and not strong enough which made me an easy target..
When I finished high-school I was depressed I was alone and I was flirting with anorexia. My parents were devastated my dad couldn’t understand what was going on and my mother could understand but had no clue how to help me. I don’t blame me them they’ve had their share of difficulties, pain, drama and they are struggling to keep me and my bro happy. At that point I knew things needed to change so I decided to start over from scratch. I joined the track team which instantly allowed me to meet new people and also develop my personality and my physical abilities. I’ve worked very hard and slowly I managed to create a circle of people which I was hanging out with. With puberty being over my skin started to settle well and I developed a very attractive face and body. Moreover my determination and hard work started to pay off and I was clocking very good Sprint times. For once my life was heading in the right direction. My past experiences became my driving force to develop a strong persona and change my ways and finally dream and work for something. With new life new problems arise as they say. From an ugly face and lifetime loser I became a cocky bastard with a pretty face and a stupid brain people labelled me as cocky and bighead which also calling me stupid and all of this was based on the fact that I started to take care of myself and I was attracting girls. No matter what I did was judged hard. I remember a certain event in particular where I felt the need to hit a tattoo something to remind me of my rough past. Not many days passed and I was already the centre of attention I was mocked and laughed so hard because I hit a tattoo I never understood why because what’s the fucking deal with someone hitting a tattoo???
I knew that I could do nothing sometimes you just can’t convince people to like you they just label you and judge you regardless of the fact that they have no clue about the real you. What hurts the most was the fact that I’ve always tried my best to be ok with everyone i was minding my tongue and I never wanted to make people feel like minorities I’ve always wanted to make them feel comfortable around me and I always felt the need to be honest towards them both good or bad. What really strikes me is the fact that people mock you for your choices they never ask themselves why is he doing that??? I don’t truly know the guy his motive his past his personality so why am I judging? Personally I never judge people unless I know them and I have a strong idea of what’s going on but even then I mind my own business and I keep it to myself I don’t harass the guy for Christ shake. What’s even worse is that when people mock you for let’s say you take a good quality picture when they do it it’s absolutely fine it’s a lovely gorgeous picture right? But when you do it you are a cocky bighead trash period.
Long story short I was coping even though the struggle was sometimes unbearable I was coping because I loved every moment of my training and Track in general but this is where everything went to shit. I’ve had an accident and I damaged my back I developed a bulging disc which led to sciatic pain. Since then I’ve worked hard to rehabilitate and come back strong my core became stronger and I was able to train again but nothing was ever the same again sciatica never really went away completely and my weightlifting was heavily hampered. This is where everything started to fall apart people starting making fun of my attempts laughing at my face for trying and make me feel like worthless trash. There was this guy who I considered a good friend I was always there for him when none else was I was genuinely a very very good friend and he looked at me and told me that “All you have left is a pretty face and a pretty body your dreams are over your back has betrayed you can’t compete anymore you have nothing left you are complete loser a joke a clown you are nothing”
I was devastated and I lost control I started punching him until there was no tomorrow. Since that day I have been dying slowly day after day I have none to give me comfort my parents are old tired and they can’t really understand and help I have no friend that truly care about my well being and im feeling weak inside I don’t know how to rise again how to start hoping and come out strong I’ve lost my guard my driving force. My grandpa once told me that the worst death is not the physical one but the psychological one, Once you die inside you lose the meaning of life.
To conclude now im early twenties 22 soon to be im very damaged inside people don’t take me seriously all they joke about is my face and my body that applies especially to girls which all they talk about is how pretty and how good my six-pack looks. All I have is loneliness shuttered dreams a damaged back and people laughing all over my face im genuinely dying inside and im afraid I don’t want to lose this fight I don’t want to end my life but I have no clue on how to finally find a purpose, meaning and a few good people in my life. I don’t know if you guys can help me but I felt the need to express my pain somewhere. Thank you for reading such a long post and im sorry for my English not my native language.
"At that point I knew things needed to change so I decided to start over from scratch. I joined the track team which instantly allowed me to meet new people and also develop my personality and my physical abilities. I’ve worked very hard and slowly I managed to create a circle of people which I was hanging out with. "
Wow. Impressive! And at your (then) young age?!
Allow me to clear up a giant misinterpretation for you:
You were *not* bullied because you weren't popular or were of slight build. You were bullied for exactly that type of extraordinary strength and independence of mind of yours, as inadvertently created, via its transmission through your vibes and whatever else, an unflattering contrast for your peers who then tried to bring you more back down to *their* level (bash-bash-bash on the head with the invisible, giant, wooden mallet), using 'socially believable/acceptable' things as merely their cover excuses, like the fact your skin wasn't clear and you weren't *physically* intimidating, blah-blah.... hence why, once those two things had improved, you became 'stupid'). Bullies bully the different, the special, the more fortunate.
The trouble is, once you DO decide to start 'feeding yourself' rather than waiting around any longer for others to do it, you can - from the fact at that point of being so ravenously over-hungry - end up going overboard, including trying to sell yourself, for a while (until you adjust down again to a more happy, 'finished product' medium). And then that selling pisses people off because - again - it makes them feel Less Than (plus you're stating the perfectly obvious, which is tiresome for how it comes across to the other as being treated like they're dense).
Threatened, jealous, and miffed, basically, with 'stupid' being all that then athletics crowd could use to try to cut you down to size (theirs) more. (What's 'hitting a tattoo'?)
However, you won't have helped matters much by 'not being mentally available' for bigging THEM up (if that's what happened). If one is *genuinely* well-fed and at full strength of self-esteem, they tend to turn logically to feeding *others* instead. And this is another reason why someone bigging solely themselves up is annoying: by that law, it can only be false (and people don't like being lied to... or, if taken as mixed messages, don't like being confused). Others then get a sense that what you're saying, secretly/manipulatively and greedily, is, Feed *me* (and sod you and your hunger), rather than 'asking' them nicely by doing them the favour first or recognising any cue for you to reciprocate. In other words, you're probably not quite fully plugged back in after all those years of trying to 'unplug' (so as not to notice or feel the insults so much), enough to cross-compliment. And this modern-day cross-complimenting is the psychological equivalent of what we used to do back when we were still apes: removing each others' ticks and fleas. Social grooming, it's known as - in this case, the psychological version: removing other's bad thoughts and feelings (ticks and fleas) about themselves - for simplified example, "Does this shirt look naff on me? / No, not at all, you look really cool! / Thanks! So do you in those jeans! / Thanks!".
You're just out-of-balance a little, still, and need to build the rest of yourself up the rest of the way by now feeding OTHERS.
Put even simpler: If I'd come on here and gone, 'Oh, ya, I know what that's like because I this once and I that once and then also - me-me-me-me-ME!', ad-nauseum - how would it have made you feel? Disgruntled and treated as unimportant, not worthy of attention and assistance? Then resentful and liable to feel the urge to 'give me a slap'?
(That good friend maybe wasn't a genuine friend if he 'took' regularly from you without giving back, more a big of a parasite who wanted 'summa what you had' to rub off on him via close association and/OR was upset that you, his personal feeder-groomer, were seemingly taking your attention toward him back onto yourself (how verray dare you when he's so incredibly needy and anyway you 'signed the contract' via repetition of action). You'd have worked this out before now if your eyes hadn't still been so turned inwards.)
Stop chasing after the same sorts of less intelligent types you wished you could impress and 'conquer' at school and then wondering why you're getting the same ol' same ol' results (idiot sh*t 'n spittle all over you). Try to attract YOUR type so that you can, through them, finish exploring and learning about yourself and how you tick (all of it, not just this/that more obvious quality or talent). And in order to do that, you have to ask various individuals lots about themselves (think investigative reporter/TV interviewer). Plus, to ensure it's reciprocal (and not boring to you), that calls first off for a change in SOCIAL HUNTING GROUND. Change your environment to one that suits the innate you, and the people will likewise be a lot different, that's how it works. Fate has been waiting for you to take the giant hint of your damaged back event and why it occurred in the first place (to force you to have to move *somewhere else, somewhere completely different*?...does that not seem glaringly obvious to you now?).
What else interests you apart from sport? Psychology and life-coaching, surely? Are there day or evening classes in your area you could join?
Does that help as a start?
PS: Your English is A1 and, what's more, you're incredibly emotionally articulate. (...- Nearly added, 'foramaaan') (Oh, look, did anyway, ha-ha) (..... just my little ironic joke aligned to the 'judging people' comment; kick my shin later.