Bad times need advice
I began talking to a girl in a chat room a while ago and we really clicked together almost instantly, we would talk pretty much all day. After a few weeks we fell for each other and things were going great she made me forget about everything from past relationships, we did have a couple of ups and downs but we worked through them, we got together even before we met, then a few months ago we had an argument and she broke up with me because of a few things i never told her.
It wasnt because i didnt want to say anything its because of how she made me feel towards her and i had just forgotten all about past relationships, we started talking and she had asked me if there was anything important i had to tell her so i was completely open to her about a previous marriage i was in. She got really mad at me and didnt speak to me for a few days. She later messaged me saying that she was still in love with me and i told her that i was very sorry and i still want to be with her.
we have been talking for a few months and i still keep saying sorry and telling her i want to work things out with her and wont hide anything from her again but she wouldnt say anything but she still told me she loved me, some days would get on great together and then the next it would seem like she just hates me.
Since all this has happened i just feel depressed all the time, i cant sleep properly, eat or do anything else except think of how to make things good again, we have kind of been talking 1 minute its like everything is fine and i feel like that we are starting to work things out the next it just goes bad again, i feel like she is the only 1 that can stop me feeling like this and i dont want to talk to anybody but her, then a couple of weeks ago it is like she just stopped talking to me all together, shes the only girl thats ever made me feel this way and i would do anything to get her back i have told her i would be completely open and honest with her and i wouldnt hide anything, i would show her she can trust me but she just hasnt replied to anything i have said. now im worried that she will never speak to me again i feel that she is the only 1 i ever want to be with.
am sorry just talk to her and make her understand u al the best
i have been trying to talk to her and get her to understand for a while but just the last couple of weeks i started to feel even worse, i felt like i have been putting even more pressure on her and i got kind of angry asking her if she was taking all this as a joke because it really hurts a lot.
ive just been trying to get her to talk with me so we can sort things out properly and now for the last week or so she hasnt been responding to me at all so talking to her has been very hard and i feel that she is the only 1 who can stop me feeling this way, she means a lot to me and i have been trying to show her that i am being completely honest and open with her about everything. i would do pretty much anything to get her back
What's the timeline of all of this, i.e. how long did you date for and when exactly did this argument take place? And was it a face-to-face argument or over the ether?
Also, what, if you can recall, would happen during one of these aftermath conversations to switch her from amicable to hostile/cold?
we had been together around 8 months, the argument took place around 2 months ago and it was over the net.
well some days we would be talking as if nothing had ever happened and we would say we love each other and i would ask her about having a good talk to work things but she wouldnt really say anything since it was late at night and she was probably tired and then the next day it would seem to start over again being cold with me and not really talking much.
it was about 2 weeks ago that she turned hostile, i think it might of been my fault because this is when everything just got on top of me and started feeling really depressed and i just started spamming her with messages telling her that i wanted us to sort things out properly, i pretty much just let everything get to me i have always told her i never wanted anything like this to happen and i would do whatever it takes to get things back to the way they were
Why was it over the net? Why weren't you talking over the phone? And are you saying that 2 weeks back you started bombarding her with messages, including ones intended to provoke her into wanting to answer your queries?
How many times in this last 8 months have you two actually had in-person dates?
well in a way it was over the net because we were talking on WA. Yea we havent spoke for about 2 weeks now since i bombarded her including her wanting to answer me
its a long distance relationship but we did see each other quite often
What the 'eck is WA? Me iz a techie duh-brain.
Define 'quite often'.
You're going to have to be more detailed and specific if you want a diagnosis of what might be going on here. Plus you haven't answered my question: why wasn't this oh-so-important and delicate conversation conducted over the phone?
WA is whatsapp
by quite often i mean it started off as a couple of weekends then went on to a few days every couple of weeks and staying there over a week ect
the reason it wasnt over the phone is because she is deaf
(Sorry for the delay.)
Here's my take on what's been happening:
The real-life dating started and you met over the weekends a few times, but then it became a regular two-week thing comprising 1 week or more's visit every fortnight (you staying at hers each time) until you'd clocked-up 8 months. This point in is when you finally remembered to confess you'd been married before. She went AWOL for a few days at the shock (having thought you'd have disclosed that important data before the 3 month mark), then seemingly 'came back', saying she was still in-love with you (if not showing she wanted to see you again) and your making apology for the tardiness, explaining it was just down to your having flown off with the Honeymoon fairies. But ever since then - for two whole months - she'd been blowing distinctly hot and cold on you, added to which, you hadn't actually seen her again in the flesh. And the points at which she'd suddenly turn cold were basically whenever you indicated you thought it high time to get things back on track/back to normal?...all culminating with her, a couple of weeks ago, having seemingly gone AWOL for good, not responding to any of your emails, not one peep, so much so you're now not even sure the relationship's still on.
If so, then it would seem either that the over-tardiness of disclosure itself (and what she thought it meant about your 'eligibility') or the fact it concerned your having been married before (and anything else you aren't aware had been putting her off or not managing to put her on) was her dealbreaker or final straw, and that although she'd been 'letting go of your hand' bit-by-bit (because you obviously weren't going to take the mere hint or were primed to be likely to let her keep you warm on the side), she was underneath it all sufficiently resolute in her conviction that it should be over and she should move on to the next candidate.
It sounds as if on the back of that very first AWOL incident, she had been spending time on the ether trying to find a replacement boyfriend or elevate any existing ether candidate contact, didn't quite find one, hence 'came back' for a while before turning her attention away from you all over again, but now for good, once she did. That didn't make sense to you (because there was no new catalyst and you were unaware of what other irons she had in the fire) and so had you chasing and pressuring to find out where you and the relationship really stood...which hasn't yielded any success whatsoever in terms of making her even respond.
I reckon she were going hot again when there was no-one else around and then cold the minute there again was (see, now, how that fits with the pattern of behaviour), and that overall she'd been taking advantage of your not wanting to let her go by letting you sit all eager in the wings like a second-best safetynet, fed only by the crumbs of encouragement called 'I do still love you, though' (pff, clearly not). But 2 weeks ago she did find a replacement, hence, ever since, you've heard not a single, solitary peep.
Deaf she may be, but she's also highly selfish, self-centred and a coward and emotional con-merchant. Despite having clocked up 8 months (6, actually; 2 of them were you being messed around), this didn't instil any sense of obligation towards you and your feelings and need-to-know for being put out of your misery, nor put her off KEEPING you dangled on a hope-feeding string as back-up-boy 'just in case'.
After 6-8 months, you did the right thing in chasing and trying to re-persuade her back in. If she'd been serious enough about you when you did so, it would have worked (and she'd have been *impressed and re-inspired* at your determination never to lose her, not ticked-off like she was). So she'd get hostile whenever you insisted on bringing everything up from under the table and slamming it down on the tabletop BECAUSE she wasn't in a position where she could allow that to happen.
Right red-blooded behaviour, *wrong recipient*.
She was probably (common, foolish mistake) molly-coddled and made too many allowances and special dispensations for, due to 'poor baby' being deaf, which has ended up doing nothing but teaching her to become a spoiled brat in a grown-up's suit, INCLUDING, using her deafness to her advantage whereby it shields her from any in-the-moment interrogation as demands one think on ones feet and can too easily end up slipping up and thereby letting you, the so-called still-lover, get a clear idea of what's really what.
Maybe you'd originally thought that 'safe distance' provided you yourself with a better advantage? Well, now you know it can backfire - for the simple reason that whereas some people opt for long-distance just because it forces them to approach Steadiness in safer, baby-steps rather than their usual storming in like a bull in a china shop and ruining it all, others use it as a shield behind which they can be two, three, four-timing you without your knowledge OR have options B, C, whatever, still effectively waiting in the wings. And BECAUSE they've always got other options waiting, they don't feel quite so prepared to do the work involved whenever you and they hit a few bumps in the road that need sorting out (perfectly easily, in fact, given willingness on both sides).
Intention is everything, in other words, and it's this you have to try to gauge next time, despite this one had the perfect in-built excuse of being deaf.
You SAY you just forgot but I think you're under-estimating your gut instinct that said, either that there was little point in putting all your cards on the table, including past ones, OR that there was EVERY point in leaving it until you felt the time and commitment level warranted it - to find out how she'd cope with a bit of a left-field-er. Which - find out - you did. One hitch and - PER-CHOO...! - cartoon dust, with the exception of throwing crumbs to keep you positioned for in case she needed you as back-up, but where SHE kept total control over whether and when you'd get back to seeing one another (hence you got punished every time you 'dared' push for answers and commitments). I repeat, though: you were right to push (chase) because it's what a predominantly healthy, red-blooded male is programmed to do whenever his 'prey' gets away from him again.
You dodged a bullet, painful though it always feels at the time. Sorry. But don't be too upset because this kind of nonsense is the very series of gauntlet-run-style stepping-stones that lead one, via lessons learned, to the perfect candidate as later has you and your new woman raising a glass to both your 'using b'stard' exes.
thanks for the reply i still do think about her a lot and i really cant help but want to keep chasing after her cos i know that she is the 1 for me, i do kind of feel like its my fault for all this happening with telling her this late and i just feel like im never going to be able to give up on chasing her, she means a lot to me and had a massive impact on my life and i dont think there is anybody else who could have the same effect as she has had on me, she means a lot to me