Please advise me I'm in bits
Let me give you some history. I have never had the closest relationships with my brothers they are 5 and 7 years older than me and have always been a bit 'I'm better than you'. However things have been really bad for quite few years now I have a teenager son who they have never seen despite being given opportunities.
I wasn't the greatest child going I had a troubled upbringing and I was a fairly obnoxious teenager, I married very early to get out of my home life and became a very young mum and to be honest I wasn't very good at it, although as life has gone on I feel I have become a better mum and have a great relationship with my amazing daughter and my 2 subsequent sons. My relationship with my parents continued to be up and down and their emotional playing of child off against another continued for many years but again I worked hard at building a better relationship with them and now I feel my relationship with my father is good and I had a really good relationship with my mother before she died. I have married a couple of times since my first fairly violent marriage and have a really good relationship with my second husband (to the point when it's fathers day or birthdays my second husband and current husband all sit down to a meal together.) But my brothers refuse to acknowledge I exist, refuse to speak to me and refuse to have any contact with me.
My mother died just a few years ago and a couple of months after she died I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed her, and I was distraught, I had no one to really talk to about this, my father recovering from my mothers death was travelling around the world, my aunt and Grandmother who had also had this illness were also dead because of this and because this illness only travels down the female line I couldn't even try to approach my brothers.
When my mum was moved into a hospice shortly before she died I had arranged to go and see her at the next weekend. We lived on opposite side of the country and it was a 6+ hour drive to get there. But the day before I was due to go my father rang and asked if I would postpone the trip for a week as 'they wanted to get my mum settled' I reluctantly agreed and remade the plans for a week later. the day before I was due to go and see mum she died and I was devastated, but I put it down to well no one knew she was going to die that night.
However in a conversation with my dad at a later date it turns out that both my brothers had been to visit during the week and had got to say goodbye. I was saddened but again I tried to be magnanimous and allowed that it was because they lived nearer etc etc.
At the funeral neither of my brothers even said hello let alone anything else and my eldest brother who performed the eulogy spent the whole time saying 'my mum' this and 'my mum' that and never once said 'our Mum'. I tried to put this down to grief, after all he was leaving my other brother out of it as well, so again I bit my lip and tried to take the higher ground. Until the wake where there was a rolling film of photographs of Mum. There were photographs of Mum with everybody, Dad, cousins, friends, grandchildren, strangers even but not one photograph of Mum with me. I was really upset at this and I really wanted to say something but I didn't because I felt Dad was really upset enough without me 'causing a scene' so I went home in tears and didn't say anything to anyone except my husband and ex husband who was also there.
Then Dad met someone else, someone who lived thousands of miles away and started a relationship, I was sad of course because Mum hadn't been dead very long, but Dad was the type of person who didn't cope well on his own and as a person who was a firm advocate of you've got to do what is best for you in your life as no one else lives your life but you I understood that he was doing just that and Mum had been ill for such a long time with Dad as her carer I felt he deserved a bit of happiness, I couldn't say to him 'no don't do it because I miss Mum so much!' so the relationship bloomed.
He brought her over to the UK for an extended visit and I was really looking forward to meeting her, Only I didn't get to as Dad had said he was going to do all the 'touristy' bits with her and I could meet her next time, I do live a bit isolated and still 6+ hours away from where they would be based I am fairly rural so I could see where he was coming from. Only a few months after the visit Dad mentioned in conversation that my brothers had organised party to welcome her and no one had told me or invited me. I was upset and when I tackled my father about how hurt and upset I was he said 'oh I don't know what you've done to upset your brothers but I'm not getting involved'
I tried to get on with my life, trying to be all well if you judge me based on my past don't be surprised if I leave you there but I was struggling with my health, financial worries as I was becoming increasingly more uanble to work full time, I was in an out of hospital and missing my Mum dreadfully.
The other day in a conversation with my Dad I found out that my brothers had organised an internment of Mum's ashes and hadn't told me or invited me effectively stopping me saying goodbye to Mum a second time this time I lost it, I ended up screaming through tears at my father asking why I hadn't even been informed about the internment, not invited and therefore not able to even visit the site. I started on about the My Mum business at the funeral, the lack of photo's of me and told him just how hurt and upset I was.
He tried the whole 'I don't know what you've done to upset your brothers' bit again and even added that 'neither of my brothers wives could understand why they treated me like and that didn't know why' and he tried the 'I don't want to get involved'
To be fair to Dad he was genuinely shocked that I hadn't been told and because of that when I told him well he had to 'bl@*dy well get involved and talk to them' he did agree to 'try' and talk to them!!!
I said no matter what I had done in the past, no matter what they thought of it, couldn't a person change, wasn't I allowed another chance? are they so perfect that they can condemn someone for life because of things they've done in the past? I said to him that they have never, not once, come to me and asked for my side of whatever it is they are judging me on, I have never been given the chance to become part of the family again and to be honest I am really upset.
One of my brothers is a vicar and I said to Dad whatever happened to 'forgiveness' and 'do unto others' and 'let the first one without sin' I said Joseph forgave his brothers and they sold him to be a slave, Jesus forgave Judas and he had him killed what on earth have I done that is so bad I don't deserve forgivness?
The thing is how do I cope/deal with this - deal with people who hate me so much they won't let me even know when they're burying my mothers ashes?
My hubby wants me to call them and tell them it in words on one syllable but I am not strong like he is, not so forthright and I am to unwell for that kind of stress.
Any advice on how to cope/deal with this would be much appreciated.
Sorry about the length I just needed to talk to someone........
My condolences on the loss of your mother.
"However things have been really bad for quite few years"
Apparently so, for BOTH brothers to shun you. Could it be that during your rebellious years, you mother was hurt - and she transferred this emotion onto the two boys, who would have felt helpless at that time?
The elephant in the kitchen surely needs to be acknowledged, but how that will be done is not clear. It sounds like your family has a strict "don't talk about it" code that it follows. And that your father did not protect you and/or insist that you be included in your mother's services, etc. is another kind of hurt.
Your choices are 1) go on with your life and not seek their approval. You and your father can hold any kind of ceremony you want for her and include your children 2) approach the wives of these guys and seek their sympathy for your blight. 3) insist that you father get to know what is tearing apart his family so much.