Feeling too cynical for love
PENNY_GRAY - Apr 12 2016 at 06:19
As a cynical person I take a very practical approach to my romantic relationships. For the first time i'm feeling the super fluffy, butterflies in my stomach, head over hills in love with someone. Of course i'm feeling vulnerable, scared, and all the other fun stuff but it goes a step further.
We both live in Utah and grew up in the Mormon church which doesn't look to highly on premarital sex. I haven't been a member since I was 18 and I've had a few sexual partners. The person i'm seeing has recently decided that he also wants to leave the church (i'm wondering if that has anything to do with me) and in addition we are having regular sex. we've been seeing each other since October and we've been "officially BF/GF" since the new year. we're both in our mid twenties, but I'm his first serious girlfriend, and i'm the first women he's ever been with sexually as well.
I know he loves me, but I'm worried he only loves me right now. I've had serious relationships but this is definitely the first one that I could easily see myself sticking with for a long time. I'm scared he's going to get bored and want to go "sew his seed" as it were. I've just never been in a situation like this and my instincts are telling me to brace for the inevitable end, but I don't want to because I really could easily see a future with him. I just want to advice? Someone biased?
You thought you couldn't be cynical *and* romantic/passionate? Well, now you know. :-)
(Head over 'hills' - ha-ha, I like that, that actually works!)
"The person i'm seeing has recently decided that he also wants to leave the church (i'm wondering if that has anything to do with me)"
(I'd put money on it!)
"I know he loves me, but I'm worried he only loves me right now."
Well, what are the *reasons* (aside from the chemical match) for his loving you now? Surely he feels more for you than just lust as on its own could see him wanting to start sampling other fruit at the point where it could break your heart?
Time for my 'runners' analogy:
Two runners survey the track they're later going to compete on and, lacking confidence in their abilities, decide someone else will probably win ("as usual") thus conclude that giving the race their all would be pointless. The other runners *do* give it their all and so - hey-ho - the couple loses from having unwittingly achieved a negative self-fulfilling prophesy.
You won't know for sure until you try, but if you're too scared to try 100% and thereby get more and more involved and willingly vulnerable, you'll lose. 'S/he who dares, wins'. That's all the power and control you can have in this situation. But it's actually a lot more than you think because POSITIVE self-fulling prophesy works just as effectively to fashion yourself whatever outcome.
If it *still* didn't work to get you all the way to success (HappilyEverAfter-ville) then that's your signal that this relationship was just a stepping stone, a temporary pit-stop, to someone BETTER - a stone involving relationship gym-work (e.g. getting used to feeling vulnerable and wobbly at times) in order to get you optimally strong and fit for the real deal/the destination itself. So actually, there IS no losing.
But what would help majorly would be if you were to show you trusted him (an act that creates an urge to reciprocate) by confiding in him about these wobbles. Only if your confiding gets an unwanted reception (the lasting one, not the initial knee-jerk) could you then conclude that it wasn't just normal fears and negativities but your gut instinct telling you that this one is going to end up disappointing you.
He'll be having wobbles of his own over you and the relationship, don't you worry. So - AS members of this team (TEAM) - you should be sharing all these experiences/thoughts/feelings/fears *together*, as and when (albeit when cosied-up just after sex is perfect) like Speak Your Thoughts machines. But do disempower these disclosures in the first instance (as well as pre-colour any reciprocation of his as more 'manly') by referring to them as 'silly wobbles', that would be my (tried and tested) tip.