Freaking out about a new relationship
Hello, I'm here to bare my soul about my total insecurity in hopes of getting insights and advice.
Ijust met a really classy, successful woman that I really want to see go further into a relationship.
We met online and and a couple of days later we met, had a great conversation, talked briefly about our wants and what we're looking for. About our past failed relationships, about our kids, took turns showing pics of our kids, etc.
A couple days later we're hooking up(sex)for two days in a row and now my anxiety is going through the roof!
This past Saturday night after her night out with her friends, she invited me over and we watched a movie, I rubbed her feet and legs, we kissed, we agreed to behave, finished watching the movie, then I left.
I've gotten this far and I don't want to screw it up, because now I feel my insecurity creeping in and casting doubt on my abilities.
I call and text her daily just to say hi and flirt with her, but in the back of my mind I feel like inches from asking how she feels about what we have so far.
So today I told her that I think she's a classy Lady and feel lucky to have met her.
She replied "I really appreciate you"
Now I'm overanalyzing this I know, but what does it mean in girl to guy talk?
I'm 42 she's 40
So, to re-cap... Your heart (like a lot of types) lives in your knickers. She'd conquered your head, so then you invited her into your heart through said 'knicker door'; she accordingly got to your heart; now you're attached and feeling like your hers and so...
Why did you agree to 'behave', whose idea was that? Hers? That wasn't perhaps her sneaky way of trying to test that you're not the one who's mainly only after s*x, was it (because she's not)? I mean, she's obviously very keen if she's that gagging to see you that she fits you in after a pre-arranged gals night out, rather than waiting to see you another night, don't you think? Because you can't say you were a booty call if no booty took place, can you (ah-hah - actions!).
You're *supposed* to start feeling insecure, etc. Those are the 'troughs' of this rollercoaster ride, without which there could be no 'peaks' (and not enough bonding, either).
As for 'having the talk', though: You're a man. As opposed to women (who risk getting labelled pushy and unfeminine), you're *allowed* to initiate that 'where are we going' conversation. Granted, you shouldn't do it too soon into the relationship (and that's the problem with having s*x a bit prematurely and feeling more bonded than had you not), but - how many weeks in is it so far?
Anyway, it sounds like you're hurrying things, that she feels even more vulnerable than you so is wanting to take her time more. Actually, saying that, your wanting to hurry things IS a symptom of your need to put paid to your increased sense of insecurity and vulnerability, same as hers is to take things more *gradually*. Same feelings, different ways of dealing with them.
What's wrong with 'I really appreciate you' when you compare it weight-for-weight with 'I think you're classy and I feel lucky to have met you'? Were you hoping she'd do YOUR wooing (+ making yourself vulnerable) work, to save YOU the trouble, by coming back with, 'I love you'?.
Oh, no you don't :-p. You have to work up to it in baby-steps...same as the man leads when dancing cheek-to-cheek (you move, she mirrors):
I really like you / I really like you too
I think you're really classy and feel so lucky to have met you / I really appreciate you [too]
Hmm, I quite fancy you, really [wink/grin] / Hmm, I quite fancy YOU, TOO [grin]
I'm falling in love with you / I'm falling in love with you, too...
But it's not just the words, is it. They mean nothing without the corresponding action, instantaneous or pending or pre-provided. So what are her FEET doing since that 'appreciate you' comment? Is she still acting keen and moreover consistently so?
Listen, what with insecurity being par for the lengthy course, you can't try to get around it by prematurely promoting the relationship. And I'll tell you why: because on the next level up are yet MORE causes for feeling insecure and vulnerable!...similar but different and weightier, ones which you won't be ready for, for the simple reason of having side-stepped the LESS heavy security dumbells you were supposed to pump at this first stage. (Life is a gym, Jim, but not as we know it.)
(Blach! - '[feeling like] YOU'RE [hers]'. Bad English, naughty step for self, 5 minutes.)
I'm a tool when it comes to this stuff, so forgive me...
...it was her idea to behave, and I appreciate that, I too just enjoy being in her company, just relaxing and laughing at a show.
I want to woo her, that's all I want to do all day long, send her texts, flirt with her, tell her she's special, call her, send flowers.
Can it be too much? How do you woo somebody these days? We're the same age, do I do what I've always done with chilvery and charm or is that something of a bygone era?
I'm a 45yo professional woman, and I agree with everything @soulmate stated above. That all said...
A simpler tack for the immediate question(s) may be to just communicate your concerns/feelings clearly and honeslty with her? If you want to woo her, ask her if she's receptive to that? No need to waste your energy, or put either of you in an awkward situation when a simple question will do. Regardless of the answer, you'll have a much clearer plan to move forward on. Whether it's with her or not, you'll be wiser for it. Just try to remember to leave your ego out of it, don't take everything peronsally, and be brave. Put your insecurities aside and put yourself out there a little. I can pretty much guarantee that, if nothing else, she'll respect you for it. Everyone appreciates clear and genuine communication, especially regarding motive and intention where the heart is involved. Fair enough? It really only takes a few seconds of insane courage. If you can muster that, you'll have a much better feeling about whatever you decide to do next. If she's receptive to pursuing the next step, simply ask her how she'd like to be wooed. Guarantee that will pay big, and over time. Best of luck!!
Yes and No. But excellent point-raising!
It all depends on whether she's the romantic type - in which case, a purely pragmatically-approached talk (which works in business) and having the immediate future ready-mapped will be like a bucket of cold water on her ardour and the thrill of not knowing/anticipation - or a strict pragmatist. But I imagine Phillip's probably worked out which or predominantly which by now(?).
Back to you, Phillip? Any specific tackling HAS to be customised to-suit the recipient so - which type is she by your reckoning and going by her responses to any past wooing gestures/treats/gifts/conversations?
By her own admission, she says that she's a hopeless romantic, and I believe that to be true. We're both really busy people, and really haven't spent a lot of time together, but our interactions have been great. Our conversations have mostly covered family & our own children and work (were in the same industry), but also it has been time spent relaxing together with TV or in the sack.
In that case, do NOT have The Talk! Not unless she hints for it or raises the issue herself (although you're better off beating her to it). Meanwhile, although it had the same 'weight' as your 'think you're classy/lucky' comment, her respond WAS very carefully crafted. So the sense I got was that she's into you but cautious. What's her relationship history like?
Why are you playing couch or bed potatoes instead of interspersing it with showing off your "serfistikayshun"? Didn't you say she was 'really classy'? Time-shortness, is it? Or too keen right now to snuggle and 'how's yer father', the pair of you, to the exclusion of all else? (How is it, by the way, out of 10? Not being nosy - I'm taking your 'chemistry' temperature.)
Well, anyway, pending those three answers: what do you do when you turn up on her doorstep of an evening? Do you arrive with a bunch of flowers and (good) bottle of wine and/or (good) choccies?
Here's a tip: Ever heard the expression (course you have), Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves? Well the principle is basically the same for trying to get a relationship off the ground and to Steadyville (at the 2-3 month stage, usually): focus and concentrate on having mutual fun and comfort in the *present* and the future (next phase of it) will take care of itself. Meanwhile, just keep your ears pinned so that you can pick up on any verbal or behavioural cues for discussing 'tomorrow' or coming straight out with exactly how you feel about her and what hopes you have for you both as a couple. If you show you're keen and care then you can always fall back on using tenure as your cue to bring things above-table. The first 'talk', as I say, is expected by month 3... depends, really, on how often per week you're getting together and how quickly you and she are bonding?
In the meantime, one way to set yourself apart as well as give an indication of how special she is to you compared to all past exes, would be to take the trouble of hand-picking her a bunch (beats just reading out your credit-card number over the phone). Ever done that before?