I need help with attachment issues!
KARATHEART94 - Apr 13 2016 at 20:16
I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for 5 years now, and I have been battling it alone until last July where I got an official diagnosis and received treatment for (10mg citalopram every day). I have also have one friend that I could turn to, but I would say this is where things took a turn for the worse.
Here's a little background:
I've been bullied, mocked, cast out, neglected, backstabbed and doubted throughout my childhood, and my parents were always too busy to notice. Sometimes my parents are the ones who doubt me. My childhood has left a scar in my being, leaving me to be insecure, lonely, not having self-worth, doubtful about myself, minimalizing myself and sometimes even being suicidal.
I would say that my problem now is that I have turned to depend on my friends in a really unhealthy way - I think of her as a safety net and I could not live without her at times. Every message that's not replied is a sign of rejection, and every thing she does without me makes me think that I'm not important enough in her life, and not valued. I also could not bear seeing other people being affectionate towards her as I often wonder why she never allow affection towards me. We all have had many confrontations about our different thoughts, and tried to understand each other so there could be a better outcome between us. However, a bombshell just landed yesterday, and I found out that she was tolerating my actions many, many times. my friend told me that she needed some time to be alone and heal from my actions, and rationally I can truly respect that. However, I can't seem to help myself get out of that attachment - I feel lonely, rejected and betrayed by. I feel like I've just lost a person, and that she does not want to be involved in my life anymore. I really want a cuddle/hug, but she mentioned that this affection could feed into my attachment, and make things worse.
Now I'm just depressed, and I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do, and I've lost focus. Right now I just want to see her and hug her, and gain that physical action I crave for, even though I know it's wrong. Now I don't know what to think, or how I should tune my thinking so I can get out of this meddled state of mind and help myself to get out of this attachment. My friend always told me to search for answers on my own and try out ways to get better, and also to keep a one-track mind, but I can't seem to focus on other things of my life if I still feel depressed and lonely.
Is there anyone that has been through this/have knowledge about this and would be able to shed some light for me please? I really want to get better, but I just don't know how.
Note: I am currently on the waiting list for therapy, and I'm left to cope on my own with monthly visits of my doctor. I'm not sure when therapy will start, so I'm pretty lost in my own mind and unsure of how to move on.
You have many of the same issues I’ve experienced.
You could have a dependent personality, you called it attachment issues. You can look that up on the net.
I looked it up on the search engine, and under webMD.com this is what I found:
Dependent Personality Disorder
• Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions like what to wear, without the advice and reassurance of others
• Avoidance of adult responsibilities by acting passive and helpless; dependence on a spouse or friend to make decisions like where to work and live
• Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; a person with DPD often moves right into another relationship when one ends.
• Oversensitivity to criticism
• Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves
• Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval
• Inability to start projects or tasks because of a lack of self-confidence
• Difficulty being alone
• Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others
• Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own
• Tendency to be naive and to fantasize
• What Are the Complications of DPD?
• People with DPD are at risk for depression, anxiety disorders, and phobias, as well as substance abuse.
They are also at risk for being abused because they may find themselves willing to do virtually anything to maintain the relationship with a dominant partner or person of authority.
-----------What Causes DPD?
Although the exact cause of DPD is not known, it most likely involves a combination of biological, developmental, temperamental, and psychological factors. Some researchers believe an authoritarian or overprotective parenting style can lead to the development of dependent personality traits in people who are susceptible to the disorder.
Was dependent personality in your diagnosis?
Probably depression and anxiety were. Did they mention dependent personality?
You said you were scared in childhood. Was it sex abuse?
I had some of that, and have many of the traits that you do.
I was the youngest of 3 children, and was always running after my brother and sister, calling out, “Wait for me!”
But they were sexually abused, also, and did not have dependent personalities.
But I think someone who is born with that tendency to have that, the condition could be made worse by sexual abuse, or emotional or physical abuse.
“I have also have one friend that I could turn to, but I would say this is where things took a turn for the worse.”
I’ve had situations like that.
As the web data said above:
“People with DPD are…at risk for being abused because they may find themselves willing to do virtually anything to maintain the relationship with a dominant partner or person of authority.”
I had a friend who turned on me (I made some mistakes with him, also), but I could not stop my dependency on him.
He was treating me pretty awful. He also knew where I lived, so could come over and taunt me, and I couldn’t stop him from driving up.
I was married to someone for many years who was very abusive of me, yet I was somewhat dependent on. Due to various complications of marriage, and my financial situation, I wasn’t able to just walk away, and she wasn’t either, so it was very rough.
Looking at the above data, and from my own such experiences, you are setting yourself up to marrying someone to avoid the loneliness (as a lot of people do), but jump into a possible abusive situation from which, as a possible dependent person, you won’t be able to walk away from very easily.
“I've been bullied, mocked, cast out, neglected, backstabbed and doubted throughout my childhood, and my parents were always too busy to notice. Sometimes my parents are the ones who doubt me. My childhood has left a scar in my being, leaving me to be insecure, lonely, not having self-worth, doubtful about myself, minimalizing myself and sometimes even being suicidal.”
You’re describing yourself as a victim, is what I think they call it. What might help is doing volunteer work where you can help someone, thus turning around the energy flow from going in towards you, to going outwards in concern for someone else.
You could work in a school tutoring children having trouble learning to read, or in a hospital setting talking to or playing games with children there. You could also volunteer working with animals in a pound of some sort. Once you get involved in their lives, your troubles might decrease, as you become concerned about them.
“I would say that my problem now is that I have turned to depend on my friends in a really unhealthy way - I think of her as a safety net and I could not live without her at times. Every message that's not replied is a sign of rejection, and every thing she does without me makes me think that I'm not important enough in her life, and not valued. I also could not bear seeing other people being affectionate towards her as I often wonder why she never allow affection towards me.”
I have the same feelings about everybody. I know a woman who needs a lot of help, and I like to help; for one thing, it makes me feel important. I’ll say 18 months ago she ripped me off bad, and even I did not call her back for 8 months or so.
About 5 months ago, I was so lonely and I called her back. I was crawling back to her, and she was the one who ripped me off. Anyway, I’m still helping her, for whatever reason. I’m either the nicest person around or a total idiot.
So I have that same thing.
Medicine may help you. I'm on an anti-depressant and lithium for depression, and I can guarantee you, it has helped me. Without the medicine, I got no chance.
Do you go to school? Can you gain other friends that way? Can you join a group at school?