Depressed and confused
I am a 31 old female and in utter depression. I have been married for the past 9 years and had serious compatibility issues with my husband ever since 6 months of our marriage passed. We got separated mutually in November 2015. We do not stay together whereas we still maintain cordial relations with each other. However, I do not feel or find any scope of us staying together in future.
The actual problem started in2013. We had a very close family friend who used to come to our house and vice versa since 2009- 10. In 2012, suddenly his wife told him she does not want us to go to their place and he followed her instructions. But ever since, his visits to our place increased and he used to continuously speak bad of her that she is anti social etc. We also did not intervene much. In 2012, his wife had left the house and gone with her kid to her mom’s place. This friend of ours (Lets nickname him G) had told us that she suspected him of having an extra marital affair with his office mate, however there was nothing like that. We were outsiders so did not intervene much. Me and my husband had frequent fights also domestic violence sometimes. One day I got very upset and I called G for help. I asked him if I could find some accommodation somewhere. He had an idea that things were not going good in our marriage. Me and my husband did not have any relationship from the last 8 years and G knew that.
Gradually, G started messaging me more and more on watsapp. One day he finally asked me that my wife is not good in any way and I am not happy with her…same in your case. Can we both not give solace to each other? I did not even think and said yes. I never had any boyfriend even in my college days and mentally and emotionally I was so shattered that I wanted someone to be there for me. G was taking a lot of care of me during those days. We became the best of friends and he shared many things with me. One day I suddenly got news that his wife is pregnant. I was shocked. I called and fired him for lying to me. He said the child is unexpected etc. However, later on, when I probed his wife, she told me that the child was well planned by both of them. Still I thought that maybe she is lying.
G was going through some turbulent times in his professional life. Many a times he used to come to me late night when my husband was not there…. He used to drink with me and share his problems with me. Also he maintained physical intimacy with me. I used to be very happy in his company and vice versa. During such conversations, he always mentioned that office colleague’s name and told me that she is a very very important person in his life after his mother. But only as a friend. And now I was the third important person in his life. I was ok as far as he was telling me the truth.
One day I was very upset and G came to meet me after office. We drove to a place and halted where his office colleague saw us together . As soon as she saw him, she called him and he disconnected her call. Later on, when they both might have conversed and she asked him who is with you?? He lied and said “NO ONE”. Immediately G called me and told this to which I said “ Why did you lie to her?” to which he answered for security reasons.
The office lady got furious and I became doubtful . She used to call him very often and I got even more doubtful as to why is this happening. G used to behave mad when her call came. He did not even bother who is doing what so much so those calls were important to him.
One day that office lady called her in the night at around 10.30 pm and I was with G only with my husband. G’s wife had gone to her mom’s place. By G’s body language I realized that it is his dame’s call. I asked him in message whether it was her call to which he denied. I had the dame’s number and asked her too (she knew we are good friends) to which she also denied. But my gut instincts were saying that both are lying. ON 11th November 2015, after 6 days of my separation G and I fought like anything. He threw things, shouted , screamed saying it was not her call and said very hurting things to me. I was shattered but somewhere I knew it was her call. I traced his mobile bills and found that it was her call only. Though I did not tell him. Ever since then, he stopped communicating with me. No calls no messages etc. As it is after he made relationship with me, his way of talking had changed. When I used to ask him, why don’t you talk to me, he would say he is busy and has no time. However, when I traced his mobile bills again, I found that every alternate day he and that dame were talking for 30- 40 minutes. Even at night, he would message her.
Through some sources, I found his and that dame’s conversation in which they had shared very vulgar conversation of kissing, hugging and what not.
I felt my gut instinct is right. He was cheating on me. I told him I am going to tell you dame everything now and even your wife what all you have done. I came to you only realizing that like me you also have been ill treated in your marriage. But you are cheating on both innocent ladies… Especially that office colleague had been with him since 12 years. Then G told me yes he lied to me because his office dame was thinking we are into a relationship and she would harm her if got angry. He said he is not emotionally connected to me.
I still feel I am cheated. On the contrary, G says I have threatened and blackmailed him. I told her it was done to get the truth out. Before that also, I tried a lot to speak with him but he would avoid me. When his wife had got pregnant, he would tell me I pray this child dies. And now he says this child is my priority. Now he says I am happy in my married life. But I am totally broken and Shocked. I have myself broken all ties with him but When I remember old times, I can’t help crying.
What should I do? All the time, I feel the guilt that I went to the wrong way. I loved him so much but he cheated me tooo… I also feel bad because I am not the kind of a person who would threaten or blackmail. I am dejected. Will he come back and atleast realize his mistake ever? I don’t want him back but atleast he should apologize.
I agree 100% with @susieqq. Be very, VERY glad this man is out of your life. If you let him back in, you will regret it. The pain you feel now is nothing compared to what you'll feel if you give him another opportunity to exploit you. The choice is yours. Love yourself, and love him from a distance til you don't love him anymore. If you choose to love him up close? You'll lose yourself. And not in a good way. You're being manipulated, used, and abused. Love does not behave that way. Even if he could (and would) love you back, would you let him treat you this way? I sure hope not. Because ya see, that's not love. It's something much darker, and not even about you. You're dealing with a narcissist. And a sociopath. All rolled into one smooth-talking salesman. There's no room in his heart for you, because it's overflowing with his own ego and selfishness. That will not change. Unless you're happy with things exactly as they are, it's time to let him go. All the way. And mean it. Do it for you.
Thank you so much both of you for replying. I am content that somewhere what I thought matches with what you guys have told me. But still some questions perturb me. If he was cheating on me, then while being close to my physically and when he used to drink, why would he mention that office colleague's name to me? He could have hidden it and made a fool of me... This question hovers my mind.
Secondly, I have this guilt that somehow I threatened him. But without it he would have never accepted his lies.
He stays in the same building where I do now. At one time, he used to call his wife a prostitute and told me I will never go anywhere with her. And now my other friends tell me they both are going to shopping malls, theme parks also on a 1 month vacation. How can this be possible? I don't think he ever hated his wife. Then I think may be hes befooling his wife tooo.. But why did he tell me about his office colleague?? This confuses me a lot!!!!
I'm so happy to hear you're focusing on you, and letting go of what isn't good for you. As hard as it is, you'll be so much happier for it.
As for your questions regarding his motives and behaviors... please understand it really has nothing to do with you. Everything he's said and done has been a manipulation to get what he wants, with no regard for how that effects you, or anyone else. He told you whatever he needed to so you'd stick around, feeding his ego. Even the "confession" regarding the coworker. Somehow, in some way, that was about getting what he wanted. Attention, adoration, sex, and whatever else was on his shopping list. Sharing something personal was the only way he knew to make you believe he was being honest with you, about anything. It's a charade. He shared something real, but made sure it was about something that, in the larger picture, meant nothing. Again, just a game he plays to give the illusion of intimacy and trust. So do your best to let go of the illusion(s), see it for what it is, and feel bad for him. And continue to do that from a safe distance.
The guilt is no different. You'd been worked into an emotional wreck and did something you're not proud of. We've all done things we wouldn't want printed in our bio's. You've taken some huge strides just by owning your actions. Something he will likely never do. Anyone that gets caught in his network of lies and manipulations will pay a very heavy price, and he delights in knowing that. And he'll use it against them, just like he did you. People with egos such as his need multiple people to love them, simply to feed their unquenchable appetite for attention and control. Bullying people to the point they snap and do something out of character is a very effective tool for redirecting responsibility away from themselves, and fostering guilt in others. Guilt is a very powerful motivator for people with good hearts. HE KNOWS THIS, AND CREATES THE VERY SITUATION IN WHICH HE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. You've finally gotten yourself out of that cycle, so please do not let him pull you back in, with the (implied) hope that it will ease your consience. It won't. He'll only find more things to fan those flames, not extinguish them.
As for his wife... You are beginning to see the tip of the iceberg of the lies he's told you. Can you imagine how many icebergs are floating around in his marriage??? He will keep lying, and cheating, and breaking her heart. You were smart and strong enough to get out before it got any worse. No matter what you think you "see", you have an inkling of how bad it is once they're away from spectators with cameras and twitter accounts. Instead of focusing on what "looks" shiny and nice, remember you're comparing your locker room to their highlight reel. That's never going to be fair to you, so let yourself off that hook too. It's pain that can't be measured, loving a narcisstic sociopath. Stay in the light, and feel pity for those choosing to stay in the dark.
Hope you find some peace, and perspective, and that you never again believe the illusions to be real. You are real, and you deserve so much better. I hope you find it. <3
Thank you so much for your reply. It helps me to be strong. Yes the pain and jealousy is immense in me. He had no time for me after I caught him red handed but every day he is busy enjoying his life with his family.
I feel broken every moment. But as of now I have thought I will not put myself in the self pity mode now. ENOUGH.
Till yesterday I was wanting him to suffer and the feeling of vengeance was killing me. I wanted him to cry the way I cried. I wanted him to suffer a lot. But then I thought let me be neutral. His any action good or bad should not affect me.
I believe in the theory of KARMA... I have now made up my mind..let him do what he wants. Eventually he will get what he deserves someway or the other. By thinking bad for him and wanting him to suffer, I am wasting my energy because he does not even bother.
Its not easy for me. But I want to be strong as far as I can.
Somewhere may be he will suffer for cheating on me.
GOOD FOR YOU!! On all counts!! As hard as this may be... you should try to take the next step, and forgive him. And yourself. For everything. Not because he deserves it, but because you do. Holding on to revenge instead of forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to feel the pain. So put the poison down, and remember he takes healthy doses of his own ugly potion every minute of every day. He's completely miserable, despite what he tries to project to the world. He's a broken human being, with zero desire to do anything about it. I can't think of anything more miserable than that....
And yes, karma works in wonderful and mysterious ways. You won't have to wait long or look hard to see it working in his life. It may be hard to recognize sometimes, but it's always there, waiting for the chance to unload what's deserved. He's already been doing exactly what he wants, and his karma balance is growing more and more in the red because of it. He was a liar, cheat, and sociopath before you met him, and he'll be that and more, long after you've moved on and found peace within yourself.
WHEN you have weak moments, don't beat yourself up about it. Let them come, and let them go. And remember no temporary high is worth the long-term low of regret. Like cancer, the only way to heal yourself is to cut it out completely and starve anything that was feeding it. In this case, it's attention and control that are his lifeblood, so do your level best to starve him completely of both.
Whatever makes you happy, do more of that, regardless of what it looks like to anyone else. Happiness is the sexiest thing on the planet, and paves the way for all the best things in life. I'm not happy you had to experience all of this, but I am so very happy to hear it has pointed you down the path of your own healing. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, this will all be far behind you, and you'll be grateful for the many lessons he taught you.
Love and light, peace and happiness. You deserve it. <3
thank you so much!! God bless you!