Is he lying
Husband has a red mark on his P...S its like a little line said he doesnt know how it got there then said he probably scatched himself when showering or his button on his pants might of got caught and done it. Said he hasnt never cheated never and swore on our kids lives he hadnt. I want to believe him and just want a normal relationship with trust. I doubt him all the time and its getting me down and im sick of it. December 2014 when he started work for a new company, i was in the car with him, a woman from his company rang him and to me it sounded like she said, dont forget to get me a present. He said it wasnt that and she said, dont forget to get your wife a present. Ive accussed him of having a affair with her he denies this. Also when there should of been two perfumes in the bag at xmas there was only one, i know one was for our daughter the other i assumed was for me, he said i hadnt looked properly went down stairs came back up and all of a sudden the perfume was in the bag. I wonder if it was meant for the office woman. Said i can ring and ask her i told him she would probably deny it if she was having a affair with him. We have been to relate in the past. Saw two different counsellors. He denies ever cheating on me or wanting anyone else. Do i try and believe him or do i have a affair myself.
It's sometimes difficult to know if one's partner is having an affair. Especially when its the last thing people want to hear. And it's only when suspicious activity or phone calls pop up that awakens our radar. I'm just wondering is this office woman your husbands secretary? or PA ? then perhaps she was reminding him to buy a present. Ok maybe not but did you ask him why does some other woman have to tell him. Unless she did say to get her a present!
If he's having an affair it's unlikely he will admit it. Unless guilt has got to him or he's been caught! You have to look for other clues, is he missing much? works late? always on his phone? keeps his phone close, never let it out of his hand for long (in case texts if any are seen) Does he have to have much dealings with that girl from work. Even if you have noticed any of this, it still doesn't prove he is having an affair.
But I don't think you having an affair is going to solve anything. Having an affair just to get back at your husband especially when you only think he might be, isn't a great reason.
Put it to him that if there is someone else, if counselling isn't working that maybe going your separate ways would be better for both of you (if thats what you want) and because you are contemplating an affair perhaps if you did separate/divorce, well you could very well meet someone else when you are single again
I think if he's not having an affair and sees how upset you are and serious by bringing up separation and asking him outright if thats what he wants, he may try proving you're wrong. And if he is having one, but doesn't want to lose you he may just stop with the office girl and it might make him realize he doesn't want to lose you, and going back to counselling may help. Or if he is having one and agrees to go separate ways, well at least you will know for sure, and give you the chance to meet someone else, instead of staying for a lot longer when it might be too late.
best of luck whatever you decide.
Didn't you post about this perfume thing some time ago?
Still chewing on that same ole bone?
Look - if this guy has not indicated any more proof that he may be cheating, why do you hang on to this?
Do YOU want out of the marriage?
I agree with @susieqq
It makes ZERO difference whether he's having an affair or not. It really doesn't. This is why:
Your very last line speaks louder than any affair ever could. "Do i try and believe him or do i have a affair myself.". There is no try. Not in this life, and certainly not in marriage. Either you trust and believe him, or you don't. No amount of convincing will make a difference. It's a choice, and one you have to make. This has nothing to do with your husband, phone calls, perfume, or anything else. This is 100% your monkey, your zoo.
Either you're looking for an excuse to have an affair, or you're more focused on your insecurities than on your husband and your marriage. Both spell the end. And not just for this marriage, but every relationship you have, or will have. Your choices are many. The two you are focusing on shouldn't even make the list, let alone BE the list. Just sayin'. Get yourself to counselling, read some books on self esteem, ask family friends (and clergy?) for help. Or any number of options that will actually have some positive results. Or don't. This is all up to you. Believing anything else will only lead you both to even more heartache.
Take care of your own issues. IF he's having an affair, you'll know when he's ready to tell you, and not before then. If you keep accusing him of having an affair, he'll likely have one, even if that's not what he really wants. Ya know why? When you're constantly looking in the ditch, that is ineveitibly where you end up. Every time. If you continue to focus on your fear more than your marriage, those fears will materialize. "BUT WHAT IF HE'S ALREADY HAVING AN AFFAIR?"?. Well that sucks. It truly does. But again, unless you're willing to walk away and find out later whether you were wrong or right? It still doesn't matter. And if you're willing to walk away with no proof? Or give an ulitmatum as suggested above? Then this marriage is over right now, regardless of any affair. Again, this is 100% your monkey, your zoo. Up to you if or how you want to regain some control. But looking to your husband to give it to you is insanity. Figure yourself out. That's your only hope of ever having a real relationship, with anyone, ever.
Clarification on the advice to get counselling. Yes, I read that you've already been. As a couple. To two different, yet equally ineffective counsellors. This is what I read:
I have not been to counselling to work on myself, or my marriage. I have been to couples' counseling, having already made up my mind that he is lying. The first one wouldn't side with me and call him out, and neither did the second. So it obviously doesn't work.
If you went to counselling in earnest, even as a couple, you would know much of what is having to be explained here. Again. I know this all sounds very harsh. That is not my intent. It really isn't. I just can't wrap my head around how much heartache you are experiencing, and inflicting, and you seem to honestly believe this is your husband's issue. It is not. Even if he is cheating, what you are experiencing will follow you no matter who you are with. That breaks my heart. I never like to see someone banging their head up against a brick wall. You are clearly putting a lot of effort into staying with this man, even though you do no trust him, even though you have no REAL reason not to. He'll never be able to convince you he's not lying, because you have trust, self-esteem, and other issues. Same as every human being on the planet. What breaks my heart isn't that you're as human as the rest of us. What breaks my heart is that you so clearly care so very much. And yet you don't seem to realize that all you need to do is DECIDE to trust him. That's it. Worst case? You're wrong, and you're living with a liar and a cheat. Actually, worst case is you actually have an affair instead of doing something you will absolutely regret, AND you're living with a liar and a cheat. But here's the thing. You're already living with him. You clearly don't want to leave him. THAT's why I'm telling you everytyhing nobody else will. Because I don't want to see you continue on hurting yourself, nor your husband. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't still be with you. Regardless of any other woman. I'm asking you to please... ask yourself what you really want. If what you want is to be with someone else? Do that. But leave him first, for everyone's sake. If what you want is to work it out? Then commit to actually doing that, not just being "right". If what you want is to be happily married, then do the individual work, and the couples' work. Every day. We celebrate our 25th anniversary this fall and we're still absolutely crazy about each other. We're that couple that makes our friends sick, and a little bit jealous. Because we both choose each other, every day. And that is very hard. Anything worthwhile is.
I am really rooting for you, and your marriage. Whatever it is you want, you deserve to go after it. If what you want is your husband? Well, that battle is already won. Lucky you. All you have to do now is relax and enjoy the spoils. <3
*actually have an affair, WHICH IS something you will absolutely regret.