I need help with a slimey gross husband
My husband and I have been married 30 years. I love him very much. He makes me smile and laugh and I enjoy his conversation. He had a demanding, high paying professional job that required him to change locations every couple of years. I had to quit several good jobs to relocate with him, and eventually he said I shouldn't bother getting a new job, that it was more useful if I could take care of the kids and the house and he would provide the income. And that he did, very well, and he was generous. I have wanted for nothing within reason. So, now, I haven't really had a job outside the home in the last 25 years and I am completely dependent upon him financially.
About 20 years ago, he had a motorcycle accident, broke a leg and was immobilized for a while. He started overeating from boredom and gained a lot of weight. His appetite got more and more gluttonous as time passed. He stuffed his face with everything he could lay hands upon, frequently not leaving any food for anybody else at the table. It's like watching a junk yard dog eat. He becomes very angry with me when I suggest portion control and says he'll be hungry if he doesn't eat all the food. He became quite fat.
About 15 years ago, he became so fat that he unilaterally gave up sex. He didn't care what I thought about it, and is not willing to substitute any other kind of intimacy in it's place. He started spending all his time watching TV, never rising from the couch except to go to bed.
About 10 years ago, he became so fat that he stopped bathing. He claims it hurts his back to stand up long enough to take a shower. Of course it hurts his back, he is 200 pounds overweight and it's all in his belly. So I bought him a shower chair and a hand held shower head. He still won't bathe unless I argue with him, but he resists very strongly. I told him if he can't shower, to lay on the bed and let me give him a sponge bath, but he won't, he insists on staying dirty, and he stinks so much you can smell him across the room. I tried to tenderly coax him into the shower by saying, "You don't want to be known as a stinky old man, do you?" but he answered, "Yes, I do".
So now we are old. I am 64 and he is 68. This man is in very poor health and neither of us expects him to live much longer. I don't want to leave him at the last, after all these many years but he is so filthy it's really gross. He won't go to the podiatrist to get his toenails cut, and they are like razor blades. He won't shower without a fight and when he does shower he doesn't clean himself sufficiently. We have three bathrooms in our house and we live here alone, just the two of us. After he started leaving slime on the toilet seat with regularity, I told him to pick a bathroom I could have all to myself, because I didn't want to share with him anymore. I sat on the toilet seat one time too many and found it slimey. He claims the slime is just 'sweat' but so what? I don't care what it is, I don't want it sliming up my toilet seat. I'm still willing to clean his bathroom for him, I'm just not willing to share it. So I told the man to choose a bathroom but he won't, he insists he must use all three bathrooms and refuses to let me have one as my own. I am disgusted. Any suggestions?
Put a lock on the bathroom you want. You must stand up for yourself don't ask his permission. To absorb his sweat/slime is a health risk to you.
Protect your health in spike of him.
Does his Dr. know about all this?
He can write a a prescription for a home aide (male) to help out.
This should not be YOUR burden. You need help caring for this man.
In the meantime, secure your own bathroom ASAP.
Here's the thing.... Nobody wants to say it, so I will.
I'm disabled. Been married 25 years. I fully understand physical and mental limitations. That is NOT what's going on here. You're trying your best to make him someone he just isn't. Whoever he was when you fell in love with him, that person is long gone. And won't be coming back no matter how badly you want him to. That can't happen unless HE wants to be that man again. He very clearly does not. You are being used and allowing him to disrespect you and your marriage. Only you can put a stop to that. He's already acting like a single, lazy man. You need to make it official by leaving. You have to take care of yourself, because he's clearly no longer invested in playing a part in his own welfare, let alone yours.
I know that sounds harsh, but believe me, it's the honest truth. I bet if you asked him how he'd feel about living on his own, his only concern would be about finding someone else to do the things he's been relying on you for. There are home health services for that. You are not his nurse, nor his mother.
Seperating is hard. Missing someone is hard. What's even harder is losing yourself in the process of enabling someone else. I would NEVER treat my husband the way yours is treating you. And if I did? I would EXPECT him to leave. And maybe, that's what he's trying to ask you to do. Have a hard but honest talk. Make it clear you are not happy, and haven't been, and YOU are going to change your life accordingly. He can be a part of the solution, or become his OWN problem. But it's unfair, unhealthy, and unloving to ask you to stay the way things are.
Hugs to you. <3
As for the financial situation....
You are both old enough to draw social security. It doesn't matter if he's already drawing disability, or if you haven't worked in years. If there's not enough saved in your account to draw your pension independently of your spouse, they'll draw from his account and continue the support you received as part of your long-standing marital agreement. It's actually not difficult, nor asking for anything any other spouse would recieve. So if you would rather stay than change your financial situation, that's up to you. Only you can decide how much you're willing to put up with.
As for his health and the short time you believe he has left: life is too short to stay with someone so incredibly disrespectful and selfish. He has many options, other than forcing you to do deal with his sloth. He's CHOOSING to force you to do deal with it anyway. That's just plain mean-spirited. He may say he cares about you. He does not. Not really. And he certainly doesn't love you. You can find your own place, and find him a home health nurse. You can visit him every day, and do as much as you WANT to for him. But to pretend you don't have a choice is only fooling yourself.
Again, that may sound harsh, but I'm trying to offer solutions to the problems you're asking help with. Anything other than leaving, is not solving anything. Not in the short-term, and certainly not in the long.
Hope some of this is at least useful. Best of luck to you both.