Advice on why I still feel this way?
on Apr 15 2016 at 20:10
So my husband told me last night he wants a divorce and he doesn't want us to be together anymore but feels like we should because he feels obligated to take care of me and protect me. I've been feeling really distant from him ever since we moved back to his hometown a few weeks ago because he's been leaving me at home everyday to hang out with his friends and I wouldn't see him or have any time with him until he came home to go to sleep. So last night I asked him to tell me if he still wanted us together and to be honest because obviously I wasn't his top priority anymore and I felt like I was holding him back from what he wants to do because when your married your not supposed to leave your wife home to hang with your friends EVERYDAY. So he told me ^^^. I was devastated and shocked. He told me sorry and left to go again pick up his friend. I texted my mother and my best friend and told them what happened I busted out in tears. Then like 10 minutes later he texts me and says "I'm sorry, I do want to be with you, I'm just overthinking things" then a little later he comes home and says "can we forget about this talk we had. I'm gonna stop doing what I'm doing and spend more time with you and focus on us and our marriage because I do want to be with you and I would never find any one else like you." So I said yeah I'd work it out but obviously I wont fucking forget what happened. It's the next day and I still feel like crap and feel like I'm broken and can't shake the feeling of what I felt when he told me that. Will this feeling ever go away? I should feel better that he wants to work it out but I don't
on Apr 15 2016 at 20:22
Hi. My heart goes out to you. I too like many others have been where you are, it's devastating. I have to ask, is this friend by any chance female? Please excuse the cynic in me, but back when it was my ex there was a woman behind it, I didn't know that at the time, his M8'S covered for him. We stayed together for a further 8 years & 3 children later, though I was never able to totally forget his words. When my son was six months old, I discovered that my ex had been having an affair for yep, 8 years. I threw him out, and got on with my own life with the children. I have been with my partner for some 20+ years now and on the whole very happy, but I still am not able to forget the treachery, and I know I will never be able to completely trust again. I do hope things work out differently for you & he truly does value & respect you. Wishing you all the very, very best xxx
on Apr 15 2016 at 20:39
I have soooo many questions, and all have to do with how you feel. About him, your marriage, and most importantly, yourself. That said... on the face of it, I'd say he just "forgot" he was married while riding the high of being close to his friends again. Regardless of gender. If that's true, he'll make a much bigger effort, and this should all fade into the background. If that's not true, or if you're unfulfilled in other ways, or so many other things... it may be time to take a real and honest look at your life and marriage as a whole. I've been married 25 years, and I can tell you it never gets easy. We have a wonderful marriage, and even better friendship. We prefer each others' company over any other friends, or even family. We're very lucky. We love our family and friends. We even love our kids (lol), but we don't look to them first when we have free time. And, we don't have to spend every moment together to feel loved and fulfilled. We both travel extensively, usually not together (except for pleasure), and we wouldn't have it any other way. Staying independent is crucial to any relationship, married or not.
Only time will tell where you two will land. In the meantime, if you can't let this go, you need to talk to him about it, again. Make it clear you're not asking for another apology, just clarification. This could be a valuable learning experience for both of you. Just try to keep ego out of it and be solution centered. Time, honesty, and actions will tell you both what you need to know.
Best of luck and hope you find some peace. <3
on Apr 15 2016 at 21:56
@SANDYD48 no all of his friends are male. I have no suspicions that he's cheating, if that were the case I would definitely find out quick! (I am basically like the fbi when it comes to that stuff) we are both really young (I'm 19, he's 21) that fact that we're young is why I'm feeling I'm holding him back. He want to roam free with his friends and I'm just at home waiting for him. We have no kids just a dog because we decided to try having a puppy first instead of just going straight for a baby (we've only been married a year) but thank you!
on Apr 15 2016 at 22:12
@MAMABEAR well truthfully I'm not really sure how I feel. There's been multiple times where I thought of divorce or why did I do this because of times where he makes me sad. When he told me this last night I was devastated and I wasn't thinking about trying to fix it. I was thinking wow, I've spent 4 years of my life with him, married for 1 and now he's saying he doesn't want us together anymore? I couldn't wrap my head around it because I thought he was crazy for me and I felt stupid. I felt stupid for moving with him and moving back here and I had no idea what I was going to do next cause we're both young (he's 21, I'm 19) he's basically getting his life together and was basically taking care of me while I was trying to). but when he came back and said he wanted us to stay together I thought that maybe we should just try to work this out. And I'm giving him another chance. But a part of me does kinda feel like maybe hes just trying to hold on to me for the reasons he said last night about the divorce. I do believe that he loves me but you can't have both. Be able to roam freely and be with me, it just doesn't work that way. Especially when your friends call you and he jumps right up but won't give me the time of day. I'm really just scared that he's gonna come back to me and say that he thought it over and us being together isn't really what he wants or he doesn't really know what he wants and that will definitely feel like a knife being stabbed in my wound.
on Apr 15 2016 at 22:34
I'm so sorry you're struggling to this extent. That's never fun. Having a little more of the story here, I'm going to ask you to do something. It may sound very silly, but please just bear with me. It's what's saved my butt and gotten me out of so many situations where I couldn't figure out what I really wanted. It's a pretty easy exercise.
Close your eyes and think ONLY of how you feel when you're with him. Let it really marinate for a couple of minutes. Pretend he's right next to you, but you're in a bubble.
After some time, and you feel "with him", open your eyes.
Now flip a coin on whether or not to leave him. Real or imaginary, the quarter is not what's important here. So either in real life, or just in your head, assign stay to one side and leave to the other. And toss the coin.
PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO HOW YOU FEEL, IN YOUR GUT, WHILE THAT COIN IS STILL IN THE AIR, BEFORE IT LANDS.
In my experience, that is how you really feel, on an intuitive level. You'll find you're rooting for one side over the other, one answer over the other. Which is a pretty effective way of realizing how you really feel.
Let me know how it goes. If your gut says stay, I'll talk to you more about how to go about doing that without resenting your husband over this incident. If your gut says leave, I can walk you through how to begin to make peace with that as well.
I got married when I was 17. Not pregnant, just in a hurry to play house with a man I loved. I was divorced by age 20. I've now been married 25 years to a man I love more than I ever thought possible. I've rooted for both sides of that coin, even in the wonderful marriage I'm in now. So believe me; you're not alone in this struggle. Not that it helps to know that...
on Apr 15 2016 at 23:44
@MAMABEAR I honestly do feel like I want to stay with him, but ever since what happened last night what he told me, I feel like I'm not wanted. Like I have a knot in my stomach that won't go away when I think of him now because my mind just flips back to what he said to me. I just can't let that go. It's not intefereing with how I feel about him it's interfering with how I feel he thinks about me.
on Apr 15 2016 at 23:58
Oh okay. That makes total sense. I struggle with that as well. I think we all do. Even without an incident like this.
All you can do is talk to him. Tell him exactly what your fear is. That his request to forget the whole thing is a cover and he's not being about how he really feels. Tell him you're feeling unwanted, regardless of what he SAYS. Right now, it's going to be all about actions. Following through on what he's already told you, and may continue to tell you. Right now, he's proven his words (and feelings) can change in one evening, without warning. He can't argue that. Tell him you're very unsure. You want to stay, but you have no clear idea on if that's what he truly wants. He needs to woo you right today, tomorrow, and every day. If he just got complacent and forgot how to behave, he'll come right back around. If that's not where his heart is at, you won't have to guess any longer. Tell him that (all offense and ego aside) his words just aren't of much comfort right now, nor should they be. Let his actions speak for him, and to you. Actions can't lie. Not for long.
I really feel for both of you. I'm sure he's been worried about how you're feeling too. Being honest never hurts, and hopefully you'll SEE some honesty, and soon. <3
on Apr 16 2016 at 00:18
@MAMABEAR your right, I do think I should talk to him about this again even if he doesn't want it brought up because I feel like I'm holding back feelings and things that I need to let out. I still feel scared and nervous and full of emotions because of what happened and it's hard for me to let it go and I need to vent about it. Thank you so much for your advice! I definitely needed to talk to someone about this with similar experiences so I could get my head straight of what I need to do next
on Apr 16 2016 at 01:44
Oh I'm so glad I could help at all, in any way. I'll be here, and will chat with you whenever you like. We all need someone to give us a little perspective sometimes. It just helps us hear what we're already telling ourselves. You knew this was still an issue for you, and rightfully so. You just needed to know it wasn't asking too much to expect him to be open to help you get some real clarity and peace about where his head and heart are at. As long as you're talking, and being honest and solution centered, I know you'll be just fine. Actually, I think you'll end up stronger and wiser than you were before it happened. Life is weird... And it only gets weirder as you get older. Just a heads up.
Would love an update. Already rooting for you, and will continue to do so. Best of luck and big hugs! <3
on Apr 17 2016 at 02:57
@MAMABEAR thanks so much! And well I talked to him about it again. It wasn't a sincere in depth talk but we did talk about it briefly. I just asked him again was this what he really wanted, like us together, because he changed his mind pretty fast considering when he told me about the divorce it had to be something he was probably thinking for a while now. He said yes this is what he really wanted, so I asked him that was he sure he's not just trying to keep me around because he feels like he's obligated too, and He said no, so alright i guess I'm just gonna wait and see if he changes. He has still been going out since the incident but it wasn't as bad as it had been I guess. He just went to go play basketball with his friends for a few hours which I guess I shouldn't be mad for because I guess we all need some alone time In our lives. I do still feel hurt about it, but I also do feel just a tiny bit better that he may be genuinely trying to fix things and I guess I shouldn't expect a huge change right away.
on Apr 17 2016 at 04:56
It's not a nice situation when your partner says those words and it is really hard not to think about them and then think about them again. You may have already covered this a little in your discussion with mamabear, but you also have to ask yourself - are you happy with the situation? What do you need from him to make you feel more at ease?
You are in this relationship too - I spent 11 years with my partner and the last 5 was her always telling me she wanted to leave me and me fighting to keep her. One day I remembered I was in the relationship too and what was she doing to keep me - because I was worth fighting for too.
It's great you've spoken to him about the conversation but also make sure you verbalise what can reassure you so things don't continue as they have been.
I hope that helps
on Apr 18 2016 at 03:39
So glad you talked and got at least some resolution. @singlelife had some good points. You still don't sound like you feel fulfilled... It will take time, yes. Just make sure you're asking for what you want. If we don't ask, the answer is always no. It's great that you understand not to take it personally that he is taking time to take care of himself and keep his independence and sense of self. You may want to think about finding more fun in your daily routines, and make time to take care of yourself too. Believe actions over words, and if you're still feeling unsure after some time has passed, it may be time to ask yourself and your husband some even harder questions. Best of luck & keep us updated please. <3
on Apr 23 2016 at 02:12
@SINGLELIFE @MAMABEAR thank you! and now that some time has gone by I do feel a lot better about the whole situation, I don't feel as distant from him anymore but I am realizing that trying to keep him at the house with me is boredom for both of us and doesn't really solve anything. I am trying to find things to keep me busy. However I do make it clear to him that I want some time with him sometimes and he understands that and is trying to do better.
on Apr 23 2016 at 18:15
I'm so glad things are more settled between the two of you! The best thing, for both of you, is to just keep talking. Don't be afraid to ask for, or give, what is wanted and needed to rebuild a better foundation for happier tomorrows. I'm so happy to hear that you're finding your own things you enjoy doing. Maintaining independence and a sense of self is crucial in any relationship, so good for you, on so many levels! Hope things continue to improve, and would love more updates.
Rooting for all the best, for you both! <3
on Apr 23 2016 at 20:04
Gosh, you two are VERY young! My heart goes out to you both.
Can I tell you - oh so gently - that at 19 and 21, both of you should be just getting out there and perhaps in college or trade school, career training, traveling, living alone, getting life experiences, experiences with lots of people . . . etc. etc. Since you will probably live to be 80 and him 75 or so, you can see that 19 and 21 are just at the beginning of life.
Big questions to ponder: Did you move too young into marriage?
He might be feeling overwhelmed with just the responsibility and limitations of being a husband. Two things he might be too immature to handle right now.
Is there an adult, pastor or professional counselor you could talk to about what happened a few days ago? It really needs to get resolved, not just you "feeling a lot better"not so "distant from him." you must have a heart to heart with him in front of someone who can make both of you feel safe enough to honestly discuss this.