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Afraid of intercourse

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Relationship advice I am 29 & a survivor of child sexual abuse & rape. I have never willingly been with a man & was so scared that I've had an 8 year relationship wih a woman. Although I loved her I am physically attracted to men, but my problem is that I'm terrified of being intercourse.

I've tried recently, but the first time I was in pain & the second I freaked out as soon as he undressed. I don't think it really helped that he never tried to prepare me - there was little intimacy - but now I fear that there's something wrong with me. I feel like a freak & am scared this fear will prevent me from finding happiness & having a family.

I did tell the guy about my past in the hopes it would make things easier.

Afraid of intercourse

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That must have been awful for you growing up. Did you receive any counselling? or are you just trying to forget and move on with your life? If you haven't gone to counselling, that could be the reason you freak out. If you have it bottled up inside. And no I don't think you are a freak, and you shouldn't think so either. You were abused and traumatised as a child and when something like that happens, I'm sure it never leaves, but perhaps time eases the bad memories. And when you told the guy, did it help? was he understanding?

Because you are stressed out so much when you are about to have intercourse, you are not relaxed so it can hurt. There could also be a an underlying medical reason. Why don't you make an appointment for the well woman clinic/centre (not sure what country you are in so not sure of the name of equivalent clinic) but they deal with all types of women's sexual health and can check if you do have a problem (or even your own GP)

But I think it's possibly because of the abuse you went through. And it is totally understandable that you are feeling the way you are. So maybe make an appointment and see a doctor if you haven't already.

Hope you can get some help and start feeling better about yourself and that you find some happiness in your life soon.

Afraid of intercourse

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Why don't you consider not having full sexual intercourse with a guy, but only playing around the edges?

If you've already told one guy about the situation, maybe you can tell him or another guy in the future, about what's going on, and inform him you are still in the experimental stage?

That you do not plan on having full intercourse. That's you'll only go, as far as you want to go.

As a guy, I was always tepid about sex, also. The dog chasing the car, and not knowing what to do he caught it.

Always wondering if I would be able to perform, if I was in such a situation.

Sometimes, I wasn't able to perform. Not a good situation, but the alternative, fathering offspring if I had been "the man," could have been worse.

So, in that way, guys can be more reticent than women, because women don't have to perform.

As a single senior citizen, it doesn't get any easier for me. I'm constantly between fantasies, and possible disappointing realities.

I visualize telling a female, well, you know, I can't, but maybe limited....

You and I would be wonderful, we would both just sit there.

In my case, I visualize the limited with an understanding, who I haven't found yet, "Well, OK, maybe just striptease, and then some fondling, and maybe I could watch you, or maybe I could use a vibrator on, or a dildo, or oral, or...."

Maybe you could try limited type action like that, with the understanding from the first that this is just going to be limited. No full action. Maybe you could tiptoe into it; let him fondle, or use a vibrator.

Afraid of intercourse

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("So, in that way, guys can be more reticent than women, because women don't have to perform." Agree completely - so true!)

Well, VV1987, I personally don't think you have anything to worry about, eligibility-wise - WHATEVER building-up to greater confidence method you choose (though I have to say, experimenting with vibrators (privately on your own at first) is a particularly good idea), because you're obviously an exceptionally brave and determined individual compared to the norm. I mean, there's "Weebles wobble but they don't fall down" plus "Feel the fear but do it anyway" plus "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again", but - you, missus, epitomise all three!

Plus, there is nothing wrong with you. It's perfectly natural and healthy if you've been repeatedly stung by a wasp, to feel like giving wasps generally a very wide berth. You need worry only if you're the type whereby it's the other way round.

KUDOS. And - if you're not happily married and sprogging far sooner than you (merely) fear, I'll eat my hat! Because I reckon Fate will be rewarding you soon for all that mental hard work. With a nice, cuddly bee (they don't sting unless stung first).


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