I'm afraid of losing him
I've read that there should be no reason to weep in a case such as mine, and as much as I weep, it there is. Truly and wholeheartedly. There are a few things that I should probably state before saying what I really came here for. What I really want answers, and/or advice to.
I am a sixteen year old male, first of all, a Sophomore in High School. And being male, I am scrawny. The things that are floating on a river inside my mind are becoming too overcrowded, and my usual method of escape is by crying. However, this lingering process is becoming useless, as my yearning to let this out has sought its way out of me. Noticeably.
There are things that I mainly keep to myself, among a few (a very few) others, that have been kept secret for far too long. For instance, I love my mother, far more than my father. I am entirely Sir of the reasonings behind this, as my mother was the one who left my family a few years back, leaving my father to care for the children. She has just recently move to home close to where I currently love, which I couldn't be more happy to state. So whenever I get the chance, I will go to her house, and enjoy her presence, far more than I would with my father.
Another thing that most don't know about me, and those who do know call me crazy for, is the fact that I desperately want a mental illness. I crave for the feeling of it and yearn to catch a symptom of any sort. I mainly want Schizophrenia. Those friends who have called me crazy have stuck with me, and I greatly appreciate their loyalty. Which brings me to what I am afraid of.
I'm afraid... Of losing him.. The boy I like. I no not what he thinks of me, more do I even know if he knows my name, which I do highly doubt. Just the thought of not being able to see him again makes me heartbroken. But, he doesn't know this about me, of course he doesn't. I want him to know, to learn the truth. It's just, I can't tell him. I can't risk being denied in front of him, by him. He means the world to me, and if anything were to happen to him, I would physically, and mentally break down.
I need him... I want to be with him.
But the denial. The agony of losing everyone. The disapproval... I couldn't bare it.
But I want him... I don't know want to do.
Please, I need advice. I want to do something, but... How?
I really feel for your situation. I went through something similar when I was 14. So my first advice would be to look back and see if you can sense any positive signals from him. Try to be objective. Then Hopefully make a move.
I am not going to lie to you. The truth is if you cant be with him the process of getting over him, will be hard and long. It took me 5yrs. (i am a desperate romantic).
My next advice would be to decide what is most important in your life. Then make a move to support that. 9 yrs on from my 14th birthday , I have realised that sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. So in the next 14 days I am going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 months.
Be honest to yourself, if you think he is the one. Take the leap of faith and tell him. (Even if there have been very few positive signals). But Please bear in mind the consequences.
20 years from now , you will regret what you did not do , NOT what you did do.
- I am not LGBT, I am completely straight.
The best thing you could do first is to stop wishing to have a mental illness. That thing happening is on its way to fulfill your wish to be mentally ill. If you keep attracting it, Problems beyond your mind's ability to handle will flood you until you it comes true.
Your thoughts are powerful than you know. They are electromagnetic energy waves that shape your reality. Science has proven it. What you think is what you get but it also depends on how strong is your mind. Other's people's thoughts will shape your life if you don't have your own. So don't wish to lose your mind.
You don't have to be crazy to have your friends' loyalty. And it's not because you are crazy that your friends were loyal.
They called you crazy in a positive way, not in a mental illness sort of way. Crazy may mean ingeniously creative. That is the kind of crazy you should keep wishing for. The world is dying for that kind of crazy, in a creative sense, not a destructive mental illness kind of thing. Bringing out your creative potential is what attracts people, and keeps them around you. When you are authentic to yourself, your crazy creativity breaks lose. That is self-actualization, you become in full control of your life, you get everything your mind conceives. It is impossibly difficult for mentally ill people to achieve anything.
That's all I would give now, I don't want to overwhelm you with answers. Let's take it slowly from here.
After you have done that,(stop wishing for mental illness), message me if you like further advice.