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Soulmate... Coincidence... Weird?

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Relationship advice Ok so the weirdest thing is happening and I'm trying to figure it out.

2 weeks ago, I went to a local bar with some friends, and the guy I've been seeing on and off for almost 3 years. (I'm going to go ahead and explain the guy I've been seeing for 3 years. He's kinda like a disease I can't shake. He appreciates me but not like I need him too. He's not very good at communication. Sometimes I really do wonder if he really cares about me. Sometimes he's amazing and sometimes he's horrible, but in all honesty I do love him. We just are never on the same page. We say we're done, but somehow we always link back up and it's good at first then bad then good. That's my best way of explaining it.)

Back to the bar. I seen an old friend of mine, and we just kinda waved across the bar. He wasn't a really good friend or anything just someone I knew when I was in high school. After that I didn't really pay his group of people much attention, I was minding my own group of friends. Well until I noticed a guy in his group of friends. When I say noticed, I mean it felt like he was tap dancing on my heart by just looking at him. Kinda awkwardly yeah, I did kinda stare with amazement. It was like from that point on I couldn't stop noticing him but I was trying my best to not seem obvious. He seemed so full of life, like the kinda of guy who just knows how to live, but yet he had this mysterious glow to him, that made me feel like I just had to know him, because even the mysterious glow seemed really familiar to me. I didn't think he had noticed me at all, until I was walking out to the patio, with the guy I'm seeing, following behind me. When I got to the patio door, I noticed "my guy" talking to "Mystery guy". I knew instantly they were talking about me. I'm not sure what was said at all. I know it made "my guy" a little jealous, because he made a comment about it, kinda putting me down.

I'll be honest. It didn't put me down, I can't describe at all how it made me feel.... but it wasn't a bad thing. I just knew that I had to know him. I needed too, or my mind would probably not stop thinking about him. Well a week went by, still hadn't forgotten or become any less curious about this guy. That's when I got on facebook, and noticed he had sent me a friend request. Of course excited as could be but then again, I felt a lil down because I felt like that simple friend request was making me feel unfaithful to "my guy". I accepted it just hoping his page would give me enough to satisfy my wondering mind.

It was the exact opposite. I kinda fell a little bit harder. I still didn't make any communication with him besides accepting the request. Until later that night. He had sent me a message, first off apologizing because he knew I was with someone, but he felt like he knew me from somewhere, and it was kinda bother him since that night because he couldn't figure it out. I knew he didn't know me from anyone but I had the same familiar feeling, but I just started throwing suggestions out there. Trying to play along. The communication just came so easy. Next thing you know we were having 8 hour non-stop conversations like we had just known each other forever. It has been going on all week. Nothing outline but everything seems perfect.

I don't know what to think about it. I don't want to tell him the feeling I had from first laying my eyes on him, it just seems kinda weird considering I am currently seeing someone. I don't want to come off as that "girl" who picks up other dudes while with another. To be 100% its not even like that. I just felt drawn to him. And now it's more intense because he's an awesome guy (of course from what I know) I love how we can just talk for hours, like we have known each other forever. It gives me butterflies. I haven't ever been able to carry on a conversation with "my guy" like that in almost 3 years. Don't get me wrong we have our connections. We just don't talk often when we are away from each other. He definitely doesn't have a spirit like the "mystery guy".

I'm trying to figure out, what the hell is going on. I don't want to just break it off with "my guy" of course. We have a lot of history but it almost seems like I'm missing out. But I don't want to ditch the one I love for the one I like. Am I just loving the attention? Does stuff like this just happen all the time? I have no clue what's my take on any of this. I'd just like to hear outside opinions, and if I left any gray areas, I'll be happy to fill someone in. It just not a subject I can go to anyone about. Nothing has ever happened to me like this.

Soulmate... Coincidence... Weird?

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Happy to fill someone in? Ooh, I say - how much per hour? ;-) (har-dee-har)

No, stuff like this *doesn't* happen all the time. That's not to say it wouldn't happen *again* with some *other* soulmate-come-potential lifelong lover - because there's a whole pool...albeit with the cream right at the top (which - the very best - is what you'd prefer). So put it this way: you've obviously for whatever reason newly become RIPE for attracting an actual soulmate, meaning, this is how it's going to be, intermittently. But this particular 'bus' is the first in the queue. Is he a member of the executive penthouse suite (a big-wig) or is he more like...telesales operator down on the 5th Floor?

1. You're not married to your boyfriend, although, granted, you don't want your married life run-up practise sessions to include how to cheat or forming that mental-disposition habit by loosening that taboo, via two-timing now (tick!).
2. You admit you can't make headway with him. This and the fact it's so on-off (at his hands) suggests to me that he's trying to avoid the relationship undergoing its natural, scheduled promotions and keep it forever in its present state (passing it over for promotion, basically), using lack of communication + frequently breaking it off as one of his tools (because of course, constantly breaking it off shunts it back anywhere between a good few squares or back to the first 5 squares, depending on for how long the break gets sustained... like firing the relationship and then re-instating it in a lesser position).

So as you've already gathered after three years of this non-stop frustration and aggravation, this relationship has had a pretty good enough test-drive for establishing that it's moreover a bit of a lemon (albeit probably LESS of a lemon once jealousy/possessiveness is in the mix). You've therefore been tolerating it because it's better than nothing PLUS you obviously will have formed an attachment (umbilicus) that, if ripped apart or even severed cleanly with a surgical knife, will cause pain then soreness for a while.

Daily take one 500mg paracetamol and one 200mg ibuprofen-nah, only joking... Dump the dud and embrace what's looking like quite a catch of a replacement boyfriend. And I'll tell you how I can tell that:

1. Although his obvious desire [understatement] for you has let him *push against* decency boundaries (by contacting you behind existing bf's back...he who no doubt basically told the guy to BACK OFF, BUDDY!), he's still kept it to within the 'lawful' range. So that equates to, Pusher-Tester/Go-Getter *yet* sufficiently ethical (tick! - excellent mixture of naughty and nice and, weight-for-weight, MORAL VALUES THAT MATCH YOUR OWN!).

2. Dump the dud. Because if you meet someone that you find good-looking *and* sexually-attractive *and* - the vital ingredient for long-lastingness no matter what the circumstances or changes in - MORALLY-attractive, then you're laughing.

That's basically what sets a soulmate apart and registers mentally and physically (bam!, PHWOOAR! + "nice guy!"). Just as platonic friends that are drawn to one another / undergo 'instant recognition' by something as deep and permanent and never-changing as core moral values and (the off-shoot of) realistic principles will be friends for life, so would this 'friend with 24-carat bells on' (but MORE so). With a pure friend, it's weaker because there's no lust into the bargain, although you're still excited per se to have made a stellar-seeming, new relationship... just Excited Lite. Ergo, whether there is a "bam!" sensation on eye (or ear) contact and how extraordinarily hefty it is (this case, obviously big), is precisely how you know that 'this one's different/this one could be the one'. Whether you could LIVE (as in, operate smoothly) together does all depend, however, on whether how he's been raised and taught matches or is at least compatible with how you were.

That, I'm afraid, is where the 'suck it and see' part comes in. So there's always a risk of ultimately being disappointed, UNLESS, of course, the glue - what caused that initial Bam! - is so incredibly strong and powerful that you'd both MUCH prefer to do *any* amount of work it took to change or tweak whatever annoying/non-productive routine habits the other found too untenable. But that's as much 'crystal ball' as you get given.

Got to get IN a new car and have a good sniff around and drive-about (all road types in various weathers, all driver emotional and mental states (sober -v- slightly drunk) (just in this analogy of course - PC Brigade, don't panic :-p), daytime, nighttime, road-holding capability, corner-holding, suspension, horsepower and acceleration, driver features, purchase and maintenance/repair costs, economy, ETCETERA.) before you hand your money over to the showroom, don't you. You can't risk buying 'as seen'. But neither can you risk DISMISSING based on 'as seen'. In other words, you won't know until you try. And yet apparently that 'crystal ball' sensation is definitely saying it'd be a much better model (for one such as you).

But you can't test-drive one car AND be test-driving a new car simultaneously, can you. And nor (because this is a relationship, not car-buying) can you keep your old car parked in your garage while you spend months test-driving the new model. So that means first having to sell your old car on to someone else (someone who might think it's the bees' knees ..because they're a little bit of a conning t*sser as well. ;-)).

Yeah, I think it sounds pretty likely that you've met your match, finally, yup. And anyway, progress-wise - nice enough fella superficially or not, it's not like you'd have all THAT much of a boyfriend to lose in the first place, is it?

(You don't need to tell this new chap how he made you feel. That he felt it too is exactly why he's pursuing you, as well as in such a way that doesn't end up de-impressing you either now or later down the line once the bulk of the rose tint (the novelty factor bit) wears off your glasses....which is a sign of him PRE-INVESTING in the budding relationship (tick!)...and you don't do that if you know you're only going to play with it for 5 minutes, do you (tick!)) So you've got to do the same, i.e. show him YOUR morals in-motion...which means not doing *anything* that could represent two-timing... like chatting for too many days/weeks whilst you're still actually taken. Believe you me, the chatting won't be THAT much of a test-drive/preview anyway... because it's an artificial medium for something as precise as all that. Got to actually date the guy and talk face-to-face (keep texting to a minimum....forward tip for good relationship health).

Solution:

What I would recommend - so as not to scupper or handicap the new relationship and its future viability or just lasting pleasing performance any (or, again, your calibre in HIS future eyes, a la 'Haaaang on a minute?!') - is that you convey (just as part of friendly conversation) (although, he'll still get it) to this new chap that you're intending to dump your boyfriend, making it clear you have been for a while now ANYWAY [despite secretly you obviously didn't realise it before clocking him]; indicate by-when (a realistic timeframe); do it; then wait for him to inevitably ask you on a proper date.

Like I say, if current boyfriend this whole thre-THREEEEE years has been making it on-off, keeping the relationship down, etc., AND, NOTE, tries to de-attractive you (via put-downs) whenever a competitor comes sniffing RATHER THAN trying to increase his wooing and impressing-you efforts, then, PRRRRRTHTHTHTH! Basically. You want someone POSITIVE AND PROACTIVE, not someone who tries to hobble you to make up for *his* inadequacies!

Does that answer your question? I should effing cocoa!? LOL

Response in this first instance or not - please DO keep me posted. I love a good love story, one without end. :-)

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3