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Am I disturbed?

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I laugh at like car accidents and injuries. i saw that others do it too so I'm not alone. i thaught maybe it's just some coping mechanism. but lately its been getting out of hand. by this i mean I've been hours daily on the internet watching creepy disturbing youtube videos like horrific deaths, murders, pedestrian accidents, exorcisms and such insane things. i don't know if there is something wrong with me or something. I'm not sure if i need some sort of psychiatrist. i try not to watch but i think I'm on the verge of becoming addicted and insane by the disturbing nature of these things i get myself into. before this i thought i was bipolar or something. My thoughts scare me. i kept tellong my friends that my brain and I are not the same person. what os going on with me? can someone relate to this or help me out?

Am I disturbed?

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maybe we are all at some point capable of being attracted to morbid and/or violent things and situations - it can be a natural reaction of the brain to help coping with inner unpleasant feelings or outer impossible situations to deal with : we may come to like such a feeling of unsettledness

it creates a form of anxiety that can be stimulating to the point of becoming addictive to the very idea of distortion - manifested in what we see : we may want to find out what happens when something is "distorted" to the point of becoming something else

it can also come about because one feels as if "happy" things are not real and can not be "honest"

there may be a weird blend of repulsion and intrigue that can relate to the bittersweet in something good

it can be stimulating to the point of one getting a charge out of it : an upsurge for life in the face of death - but such morbid activities may induce sadomasochism and distort brain patterns to become perverted to the point of "insanity"

there can be a need to diffuse external social or family tension to the point of preferring internal tension and finding ways to keep it alive

there can be an attraction to the macabre as a desire to experience someone else's suffering : there's a yearn to empathize

the lure of death may be about feeling alive - neurobiological aspects are to be taken into account : one can get addicted to the rush of released hormones in the face of a perceived threat

how old are you ? are there any problems in your family - in your surroundings ? you say that others laugh too and that maybe it's all a coping mechanism : who's coping ? you ? the others ? why ?

why do you think you're bipolar ? do you have noticeable ups and downs in your mood and behaviors ? how is your lifestyle ?

why do your thoughts scare you ? do they scare you because you think they are not yours ? who do you think you are then if you think your brain and you are not the same person ? who is thinking ? who does the thinking and who perceives it ? who holds the power of awareness, the power of choice ? in relation to what morals and values that you can say are yours ?

how do you feel about yourself ? - these are some questions to start with maybe .. :)

Am I disturbed?

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THEDYNAMICSOFSOUL, thanks for replying. I'm 20 years old. I do have problems with my family actually. My family is distant, fake in their relationships and there are always fights. Quite a bit of abuse and hatred running in the family.

My relationships with friends are also terrible. I tend to be clingly and spiral out of control in my emotions. I'm not sure if you've read my other thread in which I questioned my sexuality as well. I'm not good at expressing myself and that's left me with no one. I've pushed everyone away.

I can be happy all the time to everyone until I snap at something that makes me jealous or annoyed. i often feel like I need to be the centre of attention and loved. I care way too much about others and that always leave me hurt in the end. I'm often depressed when alone.

I do have a daredevil, childish and cunning personality. I dont like some of my thoughts cause I believe them to be of my dark side that I don't want to slide into. I like to have fun and be a good person but I can help feel intrigued by the more evil side of life.

I can say I like being me but I don't like how others see me or how I push them away.

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