My single parent girlfriend wants another kid and I don't
Hi there everyone. First time using a thread like this. I am 22 years old, i have a decent paying job for my age and am set up pretty well for my age.New car, can afford my passion of playing live music and playing shows with my band. And i dont let material wants and needs stress me out. I don't live a flashy lifestyle i am laid back and down to earth.
I've been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. She she is a single parent. We have talked about getting married and and we want to tie the knot next year. I have no problems with that as i love this girl to death. She is everything i could ask for in a girl and more.I am not afraid of marriage at all, i am the type of person who knows i can get through anything if i put my mind to it.I love being around her child and playing with him having a great time. He can be annoying at times but all kids are :)
The problem i am having is this: She wants kids right after we get married ( i have not asked her to marry yet) and i dont want to have a kid yet. I do definitely want kids with her but i feel like i will loose my dreams, my life goals, my passions.
In the six months living with her and her son ive noticed i had to cut back on my personal life. I go to band practice once a week so i get that to my self which is great, and the monthly gig or two, but i cant come home and constructively sit down and practice playing music or working on my art. I dont hang out with my friends as much but we both try our best to hang out with each others friends. I put alot of my time and energy into her and her son which is great but i know as he gets older more of my time will go to him.
Now even before were married she wants to have another kid shortly after the wedding and she is very set on it. I do want to have a kid with her but i was thinking more along the lines of 27 28 maybe not 23. Her reasoning is she wants the kids to be closer in age, but in my head 4.5 years is already a large gap, they wont even go to HS together.
I know that ill be driving them to school and going to this or that like a good parent should, but what does that leave for me a 22 year old who could reach his goals that gave all of his potential up to be a father?
Im afraid im giving up my dreams for the girl i could only dream of.... and its really tough to figure out what i should do.
But she also keeps bringing up that she gave up her dream (of moving to her favorite state) to be with me, because i cant move right now due to my great job and my band and family issues. She always says , i gave up my dream of moving so you should give up your dream of playing in a band. Which was a whole separate issue, that was resolved with a limited number of band practices and only a few gigs a month. This is something i dont think is fair. But in the back of my head i know that if we have a kid after the wedding she will make me quit my passion. And i already have no time at home to sit down without getting interrupted every 10 minutes to practice my own music or art or reading or running ect ect.
Also note i am not an bedroom acoustic playing musician. I am a gigging musician, playing live shows is every fiber of my being and if thats taken away from me i will not be the same person....i know id feel like im missing something and would be genuinely upset and hurt about it.
In life what do you think is most important in your life? Having and raising beautiful children no matter how many sacrifices you have to make? Or obtaining, hell even trying to obtain your dreams and life goals that you've wanted since you were a kid yourself?
I am 22 and i know people at my age who are married, and they travel and go places together and do everything you would want to do with your significant other. But with another newborn i will be giving up a big portion of my personal growth....i feel as if i wont reach my potential, weather that be playing in a good band or becoming a session musician. Or working to travel the world and enjoy my life being free and not having to worry about all the negative things this world is becoming shrouded in.
Or do i give up all the things i havent even had a chance to try yet. My biggest fear is that i give all these things up to be with this wonderful women, and having regrets, or resentment that i could of at least tried my dreams. Im scared i could be throwing my chances of achieving my goals and dreams away. Or should i be excited to not even attempt my dreams to start a life with this women and build a family....
I need some guidance or advice....i need to make a decision soon as we are looking to rent a house in a few months.
Basically your relationship should assist you to launch your life goals and let you chase your dreams. Your relationship should let you live your life and not leave you unhappy and disillusioned. Your GF should encourage you to achieve your goals (and vice versa) and going by your post, she is imposing conditions on your relationship just because she gave up her choice of relocating to be with you. She has already put conditions on your gigging, which you guys resolved, but it's a resolution which has left you unhappy.
It's OK not to be afraid of marriage but when you get to the marriage stage, it should be the natural thing to do without any doubt whatsoever about how it will work. You need a partner who will enjoy your interests and share the interests that you have and you need a partner who won't try to control you. This goes both ways and all successful marriages and unions have a two way street flowing constantly. Happy relationships let the two people in them encourage each other and let them help each other to move forward together and become stronger.
Your GF may be a wonderful woman but if you know that she will make you give up your music after more children arrive, and you know that you will be unhappy, then you need to reassess your decision to be with her...it's that simple. Why get married if you have doubts?
There's a few things that you don't give up when in a relationship and one of them is that you don't forsake your own goals, dreams and interests.