I really need help for my bad behaviour
I'm a 20-year-old female. I'm a very jealous person and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Actually, I totally destroyed my previous relationship because of my jealousy and I don't want it to happen again. I hope someone can give some advice...
Last autumn I fell in love with my neighbour and we've been together for 4 months now (atleast our distance isn't that big hahah...). My feelings are getting deeper and deeper, and I love this guy. The ugly truth is that the more in love I am, the more jealous and possessive I get. I've listed some things that bother me and make me overreact so I would like to show and explain them for you so you could help me. (and these things are totally ridicilous, I know I shouldn't freak out so badly about these things...)
1. He's in contact with his exes. There are two girls, R and M, and everytime I hear their names or see their faces I just want to kill them or something... R is one of my bf's best friends, so I can't just tell him "don't be in contact with them" eventhough I'd REALLY want to. I don't understand being close with exes 'cos all my relationship have been complete shit. R is from the same city as me and my bf are, and it really hurts everytime he spends time with her... He doesn't see M that often because she lives far away, which makes me very relieved, but I still hate it when he talks to her on MSN for example. What the hell am I supposed to do.... It's not right to be pissed about his best friends, even though they are his exes.... I don't have the right to ban his friendships for these girls... but it makes me so fucking sad.
2. He goes drinking with his friends every weekend in other cities. We see each other almost everyday on Mondays - Thursdays, but it hurts that he's always gone when weekend comes... Of course he has the right to be with his friends, but I would like him to be with me as well when we're not tired after school or after my sports in the evening.. I guess I wouldn't mind this much if I had the money to have fun every weekend as well. But I don't! I can't go party, I can't go see my friends in other cities, and the friends who live in the same town, never have the time to see me on weekends... In other words, I'm jealous that gets to do fun stuff and I can't.
3. It's always me who asks "can we hang out today?" Ok, the reason for this is that he doesn't get the CHANCE to ask that from me because I'm asking him "when do we meet when do we meet" 24/7... And when I try to keep the distance, I wait for him to ask that if we can hang out. And when he doesn't, I get upset. I feel like he doesn't wanna be with me. I know he needs his own time, everyone does in relationships... expect me. I just want to be with him 24/7. I'm so scared that he gets tired of me and doesn't wanna be with me anymore...
4. I wished he'd text me like every single minute when we're not spending time together. This is kinda the same as the problem 3.... I text him very often, many times per day, and it makes me sad that he doesn't do it as much as I do. I feel like he doesn't care and that he doesn't wanna talk to me.
5. When he's crumpy he's very mean to me and seems like he doesn't care about anything. When he hasn't got enough sleep and when he's very stressed (which has happened A LOT lately...) he becomes very cumpy and he's being very mean to me. He's being sarcastic and makes fun of stuff that are important to me. Often he tells me that "lol, fuck off, I don't wanna see your face". He says that as a joke, but sometimes I feel like he means it....
I feel like I'm stuck. I KNOW that he needs his own peace as well, I KNOW that his friends (exes) are important for him, I KNOW that it's not good to be together 24/7.... The biggest problem is that I KNOW the problems but I just don't know how to solve them.... I always get bitchy, cry my eyes out, or stop talking to him when he does something "wrog". I hate being this clingy...
I had a very rough childhood and I have a depression and I'm taking meds because of it. I took some therapy as well but I stopped it 'cos I felt like it wasn't going anywhere. I have serious anger issues and I can't controll my rage right... So, I know that I act like this because of my terrible past.
I really need help... any advice is welcome. And I'm very sorry about the language in some parts... I'm just very frustrated and I really hate myself because of this.
My experience is not exactly like yours but I do understand and have suffered with being angry all the time. I'm now 57 years old and in my 4th marriage. I am an outgoing person, not shy but at the same time have no confidence. However, my outgoing personality conceals my insecurity. I donâ€™t like myself, I hate the things I say and do, and I embarrassing myself often. My most recent ex-husband complained that I didnâ€™t respect him. Maybe in one sense he was right. How do you respect someone who loves someone you donâ€™t like.
When you donâ€™t like yourself you tend to seek validation from other people to prove that you arenâ€™t as bad as you think you are. When they try to reassure you, as first it helps, but eventually what they say becomes less effective. The result is that you/me become dismissive and reject their love and reassurance. Their reaction is to pull away. When you are no longer the most important part in their lives you become aware of this and begin to question and look to find out why... this is where the jealousy can come in. If you (like me) are nasty to your partner, accusing them, questioning them, pushing them away, you may ultimately have something to be jealous about.
Hereâ€™s the advice: You need to know why you are doing this. Maybe there is something in your childhood history that you need to work out. If your partner is a saint, he may be able to help you or survive while you get through it but it isnâ€™t likely. If there is too much damage to the relationship then as hard as it might be, it would be better for both of you to graciously admit that you need to step out of the relationship before you start hating each other.
What I needed and suspect would help you, is to get some distance from your relationship and spend some time reconstructing yourself. Re-teach yourself how to behave, how others deal with issues, what is acceptable, establish friends, become a good friend, become a person that others can rely on. Have some non sexual relationships. Sex adds a different and huge dimension to a relationship â€“ no matter how liberal you are. And counselling. I believe in counselling even though Iâ€™ve been in counselling on and off for years and am still a mess.
What you donâ€™t want is to be 57 years old and still experiencing the same problems. I wish I were 20 and could start over, I wish I knew then what I know now.
And if this is all wrong, then if you are that jealous and he isnâ€™t willing behave in an appropriate manner of being in a relationship and behave in manner that gives you no reason to become jealous, then the relationship is not going to survive any way and you are going to end of feeling used.
Finally, forgive me, but 20 is really too young to get into a permanent relationship and men mature MUCH more slowly than women. You canâ€™t blame them, itâ€™s just nature.