Am I being too sensitive or are things very wrong?
Ive never done anything like post on a thread, but im really in need of advice and i dont know where to turn.
I have been married for nearly 7 years, with two young children.
Upon the arrival of our first child my husband became very different. At first i thought it was getting used to not being the centre of attention. Then out of the blue he turned to me and told me to sort myself out as i was fat. I was devistated. I had only given birth 4 months previously, and had a minor stomach op. I knew i had put weight on but was going to focus on that later on as life had changed with the birth.
From there he withdrew, found his hobbies, and began to go without an invite for me etc.
Over time we spent less and less time together and spoke less and less. Due to how i felt about myself there was no intimacy.
I realised i needed to do something, and tried speaking to him. He seemed to take this on board and things improved for a short time, and during this time i fell pregnant again.
Since that birth however, things have gone from bad to worse.
We spend no time together.We dont talk, unless im listening as hes never keen to listen to me. Theres no intimacy of any sort, nothing. He comes in sits on his computer and only moves when i place his dinner on the table.He does nothing with the children, i cant get him to take us out or spend time with him, he just says hes tired. I try to arrange date nights but hes doesnt want to go, unless we are going to the places he likes and doesnt seem to want to try anything new.
I decided to take up running to get healthier, and in honesty get an hour out, as he complains if i go out for a night out (he goes away on weekends at least 4 times a year, but complains at me for one night! after i have put the kids to bed!), and now he has taken to commenting on what i eat, and if i have "earned it", he has also begun to pick me up on a lot of my comments on how i speak, and has no issues in doing this in front of others too.
He misses days like Mothers Day and says he doesnt want to be held hostage to them. There doesnt seem to be any family unit at all.
I should say,he does work, and i currently dont as i have to do all school runs and cover school holidays. I do accept that that is pressure on him, which is why im more than happy to do all household chores etc, but even there he wont even put his washing in a basket, its just left for me to pick up. He just sits on his computer day and night.
He does provide materiaically for us, money wise he does ensure we dont go without, but ive tried explaining to him,this isnt everything, all we would like is his time but it falls on deaf ears.
I am stuck. I dont dispute that he loves us in his own way, but i dont feel any sort of love or affection and havent for so long now. There just no contact at all. I dont believe he is cheating on me, or anything like that, its as if hes just given up. I worry im making too much of this, but when he picks me upon how i speak it makes me feel stupid, but he says im being too over sensitive. With that, my weight comments, moaning if i have a night offand absolutely no contact physically i feel empty.
I try hard to keep things ticking along but am starting to feel like i have totally lost myself, with a minimal social life and am wondering if im here for just my children. Or is it me? Im so confused.
Im sorry this is a long post, but i need to get my feelings out there as i have nowhere else to go.
You poor girl. It really does sound like you have a lot on your shoulders. I am a mum too and I know how hard it is to jump into that role. Working and earning money gives you a sense of worth, whereas being at home does not. Yet I feel being at home - in the larger picture - is the best thing you can do for your family. I think you are doing a great job and you even say yourself that you are keeping everything ticking along. You put the kids to bed before you go out - so I'm guessing you put the kids to bed every night. You deserve a medal. Not a cold shoulder. You have every right to be sad and disappointed by his treatment of you. He should be lifting you up and praising you. Not putting you down, for a little extra tummy weight. Why does he want you to look different? Did he never notice that having babies changes a woman's body? He should love and admire your few extra inches that you put on to give life to his children.
Is he depressed do you think? Maybe men can get the baby blues too. I don't know - I'm just guessing here. Maybe he just has not got the motivation to give you a dig out or a lift up?
The first thing you need to do is show him there is a problem - a big one. Then you can fix it together. It's impossible to fix a problem if he can't see one. I know asking him to leave would be extreme - but maybe ask him if he wants to - that he's not pulling his weight, emotionally or physically and you want to know what he's going to do about that?
Do not let him ride this out....he has responsibilities; such as bonding with his children and showing them respect for their mother, and unless he has a good reason for ignoring those responsibilites, like depression or something, he must work as hard as you at this family.
Good luck and I really hope you get through this with a good solution.
Seven years of misery is quiet a kink in the neck! Dear love, I may not have the same problem as yours but I know how bad it really feel like. But I want to ask you this questions: How do you really know this person who sleeps next to you every night? And how is he before when he still courted you?
Think of how he was before (before you get married). Was he nice? Sweet? Sincere? Think about those times when he waited for you because you had a date for two. Think about how he used to tell you he loves you and would spend the rest of his life with you. Think about how you both say I do. For sickness and in health, for good and bad you will always be together.
You built this relationship and family together and then you saw a little crack in the wall which he never noticed. Let him take a look at it and how he would fix that crack with you. Talk to him in the most calm way as possible. Ask him anything. Like, how he was? Where did you go wrong? Why is he seemed so cold lately? Or maybe, get him his favorite thing that you once gave him before or something that reminds him of how you went along before.
Save the family you have. To separate from each other is very difficult especially you have two children to bring up. They'll be the most affected.
Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless