Angry relationship makes me ill
Hi all, i have been with my partner for about 11 yrs and we have one child - to be honest our relationship has always been a bit of a roller coaster, when its good its amazing and when its bad it virtually destroys me!. My partner is a contradiction in terms as he can be the most romantic and thoughtful person ever (not so much the past 6 mths though) or when he perceives that things are not going his way or i say something that somehow rattles him, he can be absolutely cruel and vile in his behaviour towards me.
We seem to be falling into one dispute after another lately and if i try to speak about my feelings and how its affecting me he gets very angry, completely shuts down, and there is no emotional support from him, just an indifference and coldness which i find really hard to live with. I also feel as if i lose my identity and dignity at these times as i find myself almost begging for him talk it over calmly with me. I do feel that the behaviour is bordering on abusive at times as i find myself shaking and my stomach starts churning but the difficulty i have is that its not textbook abusive behaviour, its more that during an argument even something minor, he can call me names like bitch and be really angry and unreasonable.
The main reason why im writing this is that im losing sight a bit at what maybe going on here, ive realised ive almost desensitised myself to this situation and guess im looking for a reality check!. If anybody has been or is in a similar situation and has something to share i would really appreciate it - thankyou
You are right. Very often the abused person becomes numb, desensitized and takes on the blame for the situation. Also, rationalizes and minimizes the behavior of the abuser. All in hopes that he will "just change."
There's a lot of information on the web about what happens to people who live with abusers.
Just Google "symptoms of being abused."
See if you find yourself in the definition.
Thanks for reply Susie - ive done alot of reading and i do see myself in some respects, but many of the signs are not there so i question my behaviour then!!. Ive realised you can't change anybody else only yourself so thats what im trying to do now, re-claim my identity and power!!
Look at YOUR behavior!
You are upset: behavior "destroys me", your stomach gets upset, you have to beg him to be calm, you are confused, he's indifferent and cold to your needs, calls you horrible names. THEN, you minimize the entire thing!
What other evidence do you need that you have a problem with this man?
Consider doing research on "co-dependent" behavior.
What you describe, Monica, is called Stonewalling. Try this (and follow the side-links from there): http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/Stonewalling-In-Marriage-Relationships.htm,
and bear in mind that withdrawal of communication/cooperation can be preceded by or peppered with outright aggression as well as passive-aggression.