Jealous of husband's therapist
I recently discovered that my husband of 11 years was having an online (and at least one time physical) affair that lasted at least 18 months. I caught him in lie after lie until there was nothing left to lie about.
He has shown remorse, has been transparent, and we are both attempting therapy. Independently and together. We have reached a point where until he does internal discovery about what caused this to happen, I won't feel safe continuing the relationship so his therapy is necessary for us to move forward.
The challenge for me is that he has spent the last 18 months talking to another woman behind my back and now, with him in private therapy with a female therapist, I feel like I am being betrayed all over again. He will be sharing things he obviously can't talk to me about and he will be talking about me.
How do I get past the hurt and jealousy I feel when I know this is a vital part of our healing process? I still love him and want to figure out how to make this work.
I appreciate any advice you all have.
I'm sure YOU think he's the best-looking, sexiest, most witty and interesting thing since sliced bread but do you REALLY think he's so incredibly irresistible that ALL women feel compelled to yield, helped by deeming him worth losing an entire practise and life-long career for? I mean, for all you know, his therapist maintains her professional 'poker face' whilst secretly on a personal level/on the inside thinking he's a bit repulsive (from a romantic point of view, I mean), for obviously being so emotionally dense and immature and 'own worst enemy'. I mean, if you went to a male GP or skin specialist covered in festering facial boils, would you expect him to find you attractive and sexy enough to want to snog your face off?
But it's not about that, is it. You don't feel 'jealous', that's the wrong word. You feel long deprived and therefore resentful. Of being his sole confidante, privy to his 'secret' inner world. You're not being betrayed a second time, though; quite the opposite this time. If he agreed to counselling and has stuck faithfully to it then he obviously does regret what he's in the process of proving was just his mental laziness or cluelessness as allowed such a huge lapse in judgement, and obviously does want to save his marriage to you as much as you do. That says a lot that's flattering to you, right?
Are you starting to wonder if perhaps his affair had been exclusively emotional, as in, him 'prositituting' himself to an all-too-apparently 'desperately seeking' woman, by offering her romance in return for what he secretly wanted, which was just free (armchair) counselling and a woman's points of view/deeper insight, thereby starting to feel it's somehow YOUR fault that he wandered off to get it ERGO maybe this is actually just a replication of that whole affair, albeit now an official, acceptable, purely platonic version?
But who says he can't discuss with you anything he's so far learnt and put 2 and 2 together about himself and how he and the world, including you, ticks? If he would, wouldn't that willingness to share what is ready to be shared count as a huge gift of reassurance for you? Have you TOLD him how you feel and why? If so, what was his response?
And have you considered that when it came to woman 1 and, now, bona fide professional woman 2, it's only TO THEM that he doesn't mind sitting there, repeatedly going 'Uhhhh, duuuh...haven't got a pigging clue!' in front of?.....because those two he *doesn't/didn't ever* feel the need to impress nor worry about turning-off, possibly permanently?
When you think FESTERING, STINKING, PUS-Y BOILS - PSYCHOLOGICAL VERSION - as you read that final sentance - have I just made you 'ping!' about what instead could be an highly flattering and positive sign?
Are you a bit hard to impress or a bit sensitive thus slightly too easy to de-impress/be turned-off, do you think? Or do you think he thinks you are?