My partner and I have a very up and down relationship. We have been together almost 6 years and have 2 kids aged 3 and 6 months.
I have an ongoing issue with him that he is not supportive and appreciative of me. He has depression and anxiety which he refuses to have treatment for. He expects me to always be there for him but on the rare occasion that I need his support he is never there, he even seems to be angry at me that I have a problem.
I find that this is a major flaw in his personality and it is something I cannot accept. If I try to raise it with him he cannot see that he is doing anything wrong and always turns it around to something that I had done to make him act that way in the first place.
This just happened yesterday and I want to raise it with him but I need advice on how to handle the situation as I know he 100% believes he acted appropriately and would never apologise. It's not a major thing but it symbolises the way he thinks and treats me.
I'm currently on maternity leave so I had been at home all day while he was at work (his first day back after being at home sick for 2 days). My 6month old had his vaccination needles in the morning so was very grumpy all day. I did what I could around the house, I had changed bed sheets and did some laundry but that was about it.
It got to late afternoon and my partner was due home in about 45mins and I have just gotten my baby down for a sleep. I start to tidy the kitchen up as he likes the house to be very clean when he gets home and I always make sure it is or I do the best I can.
My baby starts crying so I don't get the kitchen cleaned. I couldn't get my son settled and had to rock him to sleep. When my partner got home I had only half cleaned the kitchen, there were a few toys on the floor and I needed to wash the bottles. I asked how his day was and if he felt any better and he just ignored me at first and then snapped 'just like a sick person at work'. I could tell he was angry.
I asked him what was wrong and he ignored me. I asked him again and he said 'I can get over it so I don't need to make a hassle'. Emphasising the 'I' to make out he is better. I said 'Well the way you are acting is making a hassle. Are you angry because I haven't finished tidying up?'. He said 'Now I have to come home and do stuff'. I said 'How can you be angry at me for not tidying up when you have no idea how my day has gone. You haven't bothered to ask me, you've just gotten angry because I haven't gotten things done'.
So we haven't spoken since. I know the issue it self isn't a big deal but the fact that he thinks his reaction is perfectly normal and justified really bothers me. I always make sure the house is tidy and he has dinner cooked for him every night. The times I don't is when my kids need my attention and I will alway prioritise there needs over housework. But more than 90% of the time I get it done.
I need to know how to bring this up with him. In the past he just gets angry at me when I try or withdraws completely or turns it around and say there's something wrong with my brain.
Any advice would be great. This is just one example of a long list of similar or worse scenarios.
Believe me I have considered leaving him multiple times and we have come very before. But then he goes and says all right things and gives me hope.
I have also kind of decided that I can't do it to my eldest son. He is very attached to his Dad and from everything I read it's a really bad age for that kind of disruption. I don't know, either way is hard really but I feel like I'm not ready to do that to my kids.
I know that we are not a perfect match and that I most likely could be happier with someone else or alone but then my kids have to pay for my mistake. Is that fair? I feel like I'm obliged to do the best for them, at least while they're young.
Is there any way to help him see things from my perspective? Or is it really a loosing battle?
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