Making a difficult relationship decision
I have been separated for over two years and divorced for almost a year. I am in a relationship with a man whom I met on a dating site. He has been divorced for over four years. We have been together for almost a year. We get along really well and love each other deeply. I have a high functioning autistic son, age 20, in addition, to a daughter who will be going off to college this summer. He has four children, but the two youngest are 13 and 11. We live 28 miles apart. We spend most weekends together and have shared all holidays together as a family. My children get along with him and I also get along with his.
The problem is whether we should move in together. He has reservations because he had a similar situation right after his divorce go bad and he is afraid of disrupting the lives (school) of his younger children. I am working with a deadline because we would move into the house I currently live in. I own it, but cannot sustain the mortgage now that my daughter is graduating and I will be losing child support payments. It also is "too much" house for my son and I. My boyfriend is currently renting and has primary custody of the children. We would be a little crowded, but not more so than his current living situation. Moving in together would also help both of us financially in addition, to being able to share our lives. We would have more freedom to do things with the kids.
We have been discussing it for several months, but I have not gotten a straight answer. Unfortunately, I don't have the luxury of waiting due to my financial restraints. I fear he will be unable to give me an answer and I will ultimately have to decide. I want a future with him, but I cannot wait until his younger children finish high school in order to start our lives. I am not sure what to do.
I am assuming he has full physical custody of his kids.
"Look kids, I'm crazy about this lady and she and I want to live together. I'm asking you to support this move and look forward to the next adventure in a new school and with new friends. I promise you that things will be better for us all."
THAT's how it's done. That's what Dad has to do.
P.S. How come he didn't encourage you to sell your house and move in with him?
Are you SURE this is all about a housing issue?
Thank you for your response. He has brought the thought of us moving to a new place near him, but that's more of a problem. My son with special needs has been working about a mile away from my home and his driving is limited. Also, moving to a new place would be more expensive.
With an autistic son, I'm thinking you receive some sort of disability income for him. Will your daughter be receiving financial aid? Are you unable to work due to taking care of your son? I'm trying to understand why you will be financially incapable of sustaining your household after child support ends. Is it possible that your daughter can attend a college close to home? Will your ex give her financial assistance for housing, books, etc..?
Since it is a large home, have you considered renting a room to a trustworthy person you may know? Have you considered a home business for extra income? Can you cut back on any expenses? Cable is an unnecessary expense people waste thousands per year on. Do you or your son qualify for a free cell phone? Do you have anything of value you can sell for extra money?
I wanted to include all of the things you can do to help yourself before I addressed the relationship.
Men don't like it when women are in a rush due to an inability to sustain themselves financially. There are a few great men out there who understand and are more than willing to help in a Damsel in Distress scenario. Then, there are those jerks who feel like you should be able to sustain yourself financially without relying on him. I don't know which type he is and you should find out. He might be procrastinating because he feels you will be a financial burden if you move in with him. He might think you only need him financially to maintain your home if he moves in with you.
He may also think that your son's needs may be more of a priority to you than his children and he does not want to subject them to being second place for attention by the woman who could be their stepmom. Find out if he is really ok with your special needs son for years to come. Maybe he doesn't feel like he could focus on his children's needs and help you with your son's needs. Plus, you will have a daughter in college who might need financial help if your ex doesn't come through. Trust me, he is weighing everything and probably has a female relative or friend who is helping him think about everything. When children are involved, it is a very big step.
I remember meeting my husband and how he was a Knight in Shining Armor looking for a Damsel in Distress. He wanted someone to take care of and I wanted someone to take care of me. It was a win-win. He lived 40 minutes away and our landline phone bills (pre-cell phones) were ridiculous! He had a high-powered sports car that loved lots of gas. He was spending money on me, gas, my bills, and taking me out and on trips. His phone was cut off because he paid my bill and there was no way we could continue. Within six months we moved in together and were married. We could have waited, but financially it was the smartest thing to do. I had an 9-year-old and he had a 15-year-old. He sold his house and we bought a house in my city. Clearly, my husband was not hesitant and sure he wanted us to be together. We met in early July from a newspaper ad (pre-internet and online dating) and were married at the end of December.
Do you have a Knight in Shining Armor ready to save his Damsel in Distress? If he is not, you must work on saving yourself while he takes the time he needs. He may or may not decide to live together after you've waited. If you just want to be with this guy and possibly live separately, get rid of the house and get an apartment. Or, if you want a guy who wants to live together and can make a decision in a short time span like my husband, you might have to consider breaking up and searching for a Knight in Shining Armor.