New to falling in love - unsure after screwing it up
Apologies in advance, as this might be rather long for a very mundane problem, but I'm a little lost over it since I'm new to all these emotions.
A bit of backstory; I'm nearing the age of 20 and the past 7 years has been a great struggle dealing with depression and anxiety after emotional/physical abuse from my mother, isolation and the death of my best friend. All this has left me with very little self worth, a lack of general trust and a secure emotional barrier. I've recovered a whole heap, but I'm still improving.
I met this guy over an MMO. Originally it was just as friends, but we lost contact. We recently caught up again a year later and after getting to know each other a little more, he asked me to take it further. He had been flirting with me too, which I had not realised/being doubtful that anyone would flirt with me.
I was very surprised to hear he'd feel that way about me and I was very hesitant because of my low self-esteem and anxiety combo. But he was so kind, sweet and reassuring and that won me over in the end.
He is... everything I would want in a person. He seemed so perfect. I was always asking him if I was what he wanted because I felt inadequate and he'd always put me at ease, complimenting me and saying how much he loved me. It was overwhelmingly sweet. We were very intimate with each other and would spend hours in each other's company everyday (Playing games, Calling, Watching Movies, Hanging out, etc)
He is aware of my history regarding my depression, etc. and he was very supportive. It is ~extremely~ rare that I open up to anyone in general, but he broke down the walls I had built so fast. I felt so safe in his care. Even more so than I feel with my sister, who I currently live with.
However, we spent less time together as he was spending more and more time with friends. I didn't mind originally. He was always updating me and I was supportive since I knew it was temporary. It was the same when the roles were reversed.
I had met a number of his friends. One of them in particular I thought was close to my boyfriend and so when they initiated a Skype call, I didn't think it'd be an issue. This was my mistake in the first place but it was made worse when I didn't know how to end it until a whole 3 hours later of random banter. Ridden with guilt I told my boyfriend the moment I received his morning text.
This tilted him off the edge, because that's where he ended it with me, saying he wasn't being a good boyfriend to me and couldn't be because he had issues with his life regarding his college and housing, issues he didn't reveal to me anytime beforehand. Hearing about my involvement with his friend was not helping. He asked me to remain good friends with him, despite hurting me and making me worry. He also added that he might be begging me back two weeks later and that he had hope for the two of us.
I completely take the blame for the call. That shouldn't have happened. I'm hurt however that after a month or so of lessened contact with me and making me wait, he chooses now to turn around to say it's over, with the possibility of more waiting.
Which I have been doing. It's been two weeks since then. I put some space between us despite him wanting to chat as per "usual". He's still busy with friends, and so the limited communication is still there. I recently learned that he's actually failing to respond to some of his more closer friends too because of this. My boyfriend can be a very ambitious and determined person and when he's involved in something, he'll often ignore others outside to prioritise his goals. I've witnessed him doing it before we were dating which his friend also pointed out to me.
He occasionally texts me, but it's nothing more than maybe a minute of conversation. He tossed a loose compliment at me once as he used to, but there hasn't been anything more than that. Compared to how much he used to say he loved me and gave me attention, this is excruciating.
I've asked his friends if he may still be interested because it seemed rather unsure with what he said about it when we broke up and the lack of communication suggests otherwise. His closest had no clue due to not being able to keep him talking consistently. Another told me that he had discussed about me to him and says that my boyfriend was 'waiting' and for me to be patient. That was a week ago.
Which is rather awkward, cause that same guy confessed he felt something for me. I've had other guys flirt with me and try to get me open up in the week after we split.
I'm just rather lost. No one before has ever made me feel so happy the way he did. What should I do from here on out? Do I have a chance? If so, is it worth it? I'm not sure if I should just wing it and ask him if he wants me.
I do miss him much much more than I want to.
Any advice on this is really really welcomed.
Is there a reason why you feel you have to make a full blown, one-of-a-kind, serious, exclusive commitment to one person - at this time?
It sounds like there are a few guys who would like to at least date you. Why not see what's out there before settling in on one guy - who you allude has commitment issues himself.
May I ask your age?
This is all meant to be fun and exciting. Why not let yourself go with the flow?
Do you have female friends you can discuss this with?
Thanks for replying first of all~
I'm 19, turning 20 this month.
Um, not a reason per se, but I feel like I've connected with him the most out of any person I've met so far. Which is a huge breakthrough considering who I am as a person.
I haven't felt the same with any of the guys I currently know.
Um no, as I lost all contact with my friends throughout my depression. I do have contacts, but not any I can open up to about this. I'm not even comfortable talking with my sister and we're pretty close ><