Kicking my Aunt (64) out my of my house?
In 2010 my mom passed away from malignant cancer. I had gone into severe depression for the rest of that year. When she died my brothers and I each got 150K each and I had used some of it to buy a 2 Bedroom townhouse.
My mom's older sister, my aunt, had decided to move in with me because I was really unable to take care of myself. I had originally wanted to live by myself but I thought sure, why not have someone be able to cook and clean.
We moved in in early 2011 so we've been living her for 5+ years now. We end up fighting a lot because she's old and she's very old fashion (my family is from Pakistan) and she's kind of a religious nut job. But the worst part is that she's a massive hoarder. When we moved in here I voluntary took the smaller room because I wanted her to be comfortable, and literally every room in this house including the kitchen and family room is full of junk. Even all of the closets. There's junk everywhere and the kitchen is a complete mess. Plus when she cooks she uses onions and they stink up the entire house and the smell gets on my clothes, and again that leads to more fighting.
I recently turned 30 and I honestly can't stand it anymore. I can't even have friends over and have no chance of dating because I wouldn't want to bring someone to my house in the condition it's in. I was saving up money to renovate my house but she'll just end up trashing everything.
I can't live with her but she has been like a second mom to me, she's 64 years old and she's partially blind in one eye, disabled and I care about her deeply.
She has 3 brothers, 2 of them have fairly large houses but they don't want to take care of her. The other brother is willing to care care of her but she doesn't want to live with him.
One of my uncles (the one who is willing to take care of her) offered to buy my house so she can live there. In that case I'd move out into an apartment.
But I really don't want to sell my house. It's paid off and if I could just renovate it then it would be a fantastic place to live for a while.
Plus my Uncle couldn't offer very much. He offered me 50k + 20k in installments over who knows how long, but my house is worth over 100K + if I renovate it.
I do love my aunt, but I really don't know if I should give up my house and my own livelihood. Eventually I want to settle down and have kids, I would want to move out anyway and I feel like I can get a lot more by selling this house the regular way. I can't help but feel like this was just shoveled on me because no one else wanted to take care of her.
Selling this place to my uncle so she can stay here and I would move out, it seems like the good thing to do but everyone I've talked to about this, my own 2 brothers and my best friend have told me not to sell, that it would be stupid to go pay rent somewhere when I have a fully paid off house, and just have her live somewhere else.
A family pow-wow is in order. Get everyone involved to deal with this. It's unfair that you must deal with this by yourself.
Clearly, your aunt has issues that show professional help is needed. The hoarding issue is revealing. She may have dementia or some other condition.
Don't sell YOUR house. Instead, me sure that she is in a safe and nurturing environment.
PS: May I ask - in 2010 - why you were not able to take care of yourself? So she came and took care of you at that time and has been there all this time? I know that you want to return the favor to her, to see that she is cared for, but more help is needed so you don't feel guilty and she is comfortable.
Your aunt is entitled to housing, and due to her health, age etc. she would be placed in supported housing which would be perfect for her, she may not like it at the beginning, but she would adapt and I am sure eventually embrace her own place/independence
You are 30. You have an entire life ahead of you. You want to get married and have kids, put YOU first! I know it is traditional to take care of the elderly in our families and that is such a kind loving position to have. You can take care of her on YOUR terms! If I were you, this is how I would handle the situation:
#1: Take the aunt, drop her off at his house! Yes she will be angry, so what! Start bringing whatever clothes and must have items to the house for her, but do not allow her to come back! Yes, this is still taking care of her. She's with family, safe and unhappy, but secure! If you do this, you can start cleaning your house out and renovating it immediately!
#2: I would not sell the house. I would rent the house to the brother. He would need to fork over the $50k and negotiate an amount he can start paying in a year on a monthly basis to you! Buy another house, apartment or townhouse. Put it in writing. He can rent from you again or move back to his property in the future.
Live you life! Make your home yours! Your mother, may she rest in peace, would want you to be happy and living well. Make her proud!
Have you started dating? Once you meet the right guy and plan to marry, you will probably want to live in a home the two of you choose together. You have so many opportunities to grow and prosper in a career, relationship and housing. Your aunt is not progressing. She is deteriorating and what she has is all she will ever have.
Give yourself a fresh start in a new place that is yours! No hoarding junk, cooking odors or other things you have to endure living with your aunt. You can decorate it as you like, invite anyone over that you like and live your life. A new place will open up new opportunities and you will be able to think clearer. If you stay there, you will have to worry about renovating and clearing out your aunt's junk. Move to a place that will be stress-free, clutter-free, odor-free, and aunt-free.
In order to do this with money in your pocket, you could do a rental agreement or a lease with option to buy. Sign a legal rental or lease agreement with a specified upfront amount and monthly payments. I'm sure your aunt must receive a disability income?? You do not have to sell your home, but if it means letting go of stress - just do it!. I would not agree to sell until you find something else you can afford to buy with a $50k down payment. The mortgage could be paid with rental or installment payments. On the other hand, you could take out a equity loan since your home is paid for. Rather than using the money to renovate that place, buy another place. If you do the equity loan, you might have to stick with a rental agreement.
Finally, your aunt was the mother figure you needed to help you become the young lady you are. Be grateful for her being willing to be your surrogate mother. You needed her and she needed you because she missed her sister. You were the closest reminder of her sister, so you both got through your grief with each other's help. Now, you are ready to move and your aunt is unable to move on.
Please be there for her as she was for you. You do not have to continue living with her, but at least let her have the place that has been home. Your home will be with your new life that will eventually include a husband and children. If your aunt lives a few years longer, your children will have a surrogate grandmother since your mom will not be there. Also, your mom will not be there during the birth and nurturing of your first child. You might need your aunt again during that time.
I just wondered is your aunt still cooking and taking care of you? you say that she is disabled and partially blind in one eye but yet you also say that 'when she cooks she uses onions' I'm just curious. And also as SusieQ asked why couldn't you take care of yourself at 25? So in the last 5 years she cooked and cleaned for you?
I think you should have a family meeting. Your aunt has 3 brothers and you have 2, so there could be some kind of arrangement made. Organise a clear out, and while you are trying to decide what you are going to do. tell your brothers and uncles that you now need some help and suggest if they could each take your aunt for one week, that way you would have your house to yourself for 5weeks. Perhaps that could become a permanent arrangement
Suggest to your aunt that she stay with her brothers and nephews, and tell her that its for her benefit too, that it will be like a little holiday for her. And if she agrees to go, get the rest to help with the de cluttering.
Your aunt is like a second mum to you, and she did cook and clean for you, she needs to feel loved and cared for not just to feel that she has served her purpose and no longer needed or wanted (I'm not saying that's how you are treating her, but I'm saying you don't want HER to feel like that)