Separating from my wife
Me and my wife have been together for 16 years since we were 15 years old and married 18 months. We have 3 children.
Back in January my wife had an affair in which she had sex once. As soon as that happened she came clean and told me everything. She was clearly sorry for what she had done.
I was devastated it was so hard to take. She didn't want to split and 16 years together is worth fighting for.
We get on very well she is my best friend and the love of my life.
We booked a hoilday together to spend time alone and that went really well.
Since then it's been a struggle. My wife has found it harder to get over then maybe I have.
The man she had the affair with is quite local so their paths do cross from time to time. I also think she has not quite got over him.
She has suggested separating for a bit so we can clear our heads so I'm moving into a flat around the corner.
We have just started counselling but I am scared I'm going to lose her forever.
She is an amazing women who's been through a hell of a lot.
The thought of being in that flat on my own scares me. I'm scared of going badly down hill Which will not help save our marriage
I so want to be with her. Life doesn't seem worth living at the moment. I'm living an endless nightmare and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel
I want to first say that I am truly sorry for what you are going through. Life is worth living because you seem like an amazing person. YOU were able to forgive her, you're willing to fight for your marriage, you see the good in her still, you are an amazing person! You deserve a full, happy, honest life and so do your children.
Have you asked your wife what made her cheat? It is great that she came clean. To me, I believe that means the part of her that allowed her to cheat is not a part of her that she is proud of, she knows it's wrong and has remorse.
I am also interested to know your immediate reaction. Did you express anger, storm out, or show any aggression at all? Has she ever accused you of not really loving her and or not caring about her?
You said she's been through a lot. Has she been cheated on and or been through an abusive relationship?
I'm interested in your responses to my questions because I'm wondering if your wife knows how to be happy. Sometimes when people have many failed relationships, experience abuse or have had instability in their life, when life is good, it can be very scary, unsettling and a person can act out. Or the person might accept the good life for a while and then suddenly begin acting out.
I believe you should absolutely express to her that you are scared, you do not want to lose her, you want the marriage to work and your willing to work on whatever needs to be done.
I also believe you need to be very firm with her that you will not tolerate this type of behavior again, that you are angry with her actions and that you know your worth. She needs to understand that she can lose you, you are a person, you have feelings and you deserve an honest woman.
All the best.
Hi ABRA thanks for your response
My wife said she can,t really find a reason why she cheated other than she liked the attention and excitement.
My reaction was pure sadness and shock.
She has never accused my of not loving her as she knows I love her very much. I tell her a lot.
I am only proper relationship my wife as been in as we met when we were both 15.
She was abused by she mums lodger when she was 14.
She didn't have much of a childhood as she spent most of it looking after her younger brothers and sisters while her mum drunk herself to sleep.
She knows how I feel about her.
I want to be there for her to look after her to cuddle her when she's down.
She knows this can't happen again but she says she's scared of doing it again and doesn't want to break my heart again.
My first reaction was, your wife has had only one out of the marriage episode?
My wife had over 2,000, the way I figure it, so one looks like "up" to me.
And she acknowledged it, and, she feels bad about it. Both very good signs. My wife had no remorse.
Then your post started to turn around.
You wrote: "She has suggested separating for a bit so we can clear our heads so I'm moving into a flat around the corner."
Several things about that.
1. She made a mistake for which she feels bad, so you have to move out of the house?
a. why, if she feels bad about that, do you have to leave? b. since she made the mistake, why do you have to be punished by leaving the house? c.she was "clearly sorry," but she says separation is necessary. If she's sorry, why doesn't she work to keep everything together?
2. I don't think the father leaving the home is good for the children, or the marriage. If she can't work it out in her head with both of you being in the house for the benefit of the children, I don't think she's trying very hard.
3. She's placing herself above the children, for the benefit of the marriage. What?
My wife was sexually abused at 5, and all she could think of after that was sex.
It was mentioned above, often when people "experience abuse or have had instability in their life" things can be difficult.
You said "She was abused by she mums lodger when she was 14." I'll assume that means she was sexually abused at 14. That's what this somewhat sounds like to me, a reaction from that abuse.
Oh, you've only been married 18 months. That completely different. I guess you two were living together. Was she faithful during that time?
This sounds very similar to my wife who, anytime she wanted to have sex with someone else, would come up with the gosh awfulish reasons why I should stay at my mother's during the day when I was out of work, and she was off from work for some months.
I realized later, that was so she could meet someone at a motel during the day for a few hours, and I would never see her leave and come back, for I would be at my mother's during the day.
Is this what your wife is pulling? You can't "clear out your heads"in the same house? With you out of the house, is she going to continue the affair?
That sex abuse at 14 could driving this. What's her track record been as far as going with other guys. I know nobody's perfect, and your record might not be any better, but what has her behavior been in the past towards men?
My wife pushed me around, but I would not let her move me out of my own house, when she was the one who was caught. Plus, before we were married, my wife would tell me about men she had been with for sex excitement. Has your wife ever told you about other men before?
I would stay in the house for the children.