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Need some relationship advice

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Relationship advice Hi all,

I've never ever done anything like this before as i usually just talk to my wife about my problems. But lately it seems like she doesn't wanna share anything with me anymore. Let me try to explain.

We've been married for almost 5 years now and been together for almost 8. I've met my wife back in school but at that time she was in a relationship so we just stayed friends. Some years after school we lost connection. A few years later i went searching for her and found her mail adres. We got together for some drinks and history was written.

We bought a house about 3 years ago and we started building a future together. So far life was good and we had so much fun. But then...

It all started at the end of last year. It was December and i am gonna say this i'm not a perfect husband. In December i needed some space for myself. I think we all sometimes need that. But at that same time my wife wanted allot of attention. It was a bad combination at that time it went so far as me shutting myself out and spending days and days chatting to my online friends.

Yes we both play videogames and i just got sucked in by wanting some space for my own. Anyway after December came Januari and we both hitted rock bottom. She had her life i had mine. But things didn't feel right anymore.

We hardly talked and i was getting worried that this was gonna be it. This is life from now on... On one night, it was Febrauri, i grabbed her and wanted to give her a kiss. She was texting on Facebook and wow that screen turned black so fast! I knew then something was up.

I work in IT so getting in her pc to check something was easy. I know i shouldn't do that and i normally never ever disrespect anyone that way but this time my guts were telling me that something is wrong.

I found out she was flirting with this guy she met online. My world just crashed. Although he lives a 1000miles a way i just couldn't believe it... A few days went by and she kept texting him and i kept watching. Making sure that if i would confront her i had a sollid base to talk about.

At the end of that week on friday she came home. I was sitting at the table and asked if she wanted to join me. I then talked about it. Didn't raise my voice or anything. I just talked and explained that i knew about her flirt. She cried and we talked it out. I thought it was done and over.

A few weeks later i couldn't stop the feeling that i needed to know for sure that nothing was going on after we talked. So again i checked her Facebook. And again i see that guys name. But just saying goodnight all the other messages were deleted... Strange.

I came home early the next day. Check her account again. She was online at the same time talking to him. And again flirting with him. I was so mad that even after it all she did it again. I packed my bags and left a note saying that i found out and that i went to my parents.

She called in tears when she got home saying she was sorry and it was just for fun not with feelings and so on.
I believed her and went back home. My parents never found out about this, the bag was still in the trunk.

We talked again the next day and all of the sudden she didn't know what she wanted. She doesn't want this life anymore. Not her job, not the house. She wanted to live in another country and travel allot and enjoy life more.
So i asked if she still wanted to be with me and even on that question she didn't know an answer.

So i gave her time and space to think about it. At that point i hardly could sleep or eat anymore. What if she wants to leave me?

Until today, we are May now, she still doesn't know if this is what she wants. She takes it day by day and doesn't think about the future. And i'm lost....

I feel so alone and insecure. I just don't know what to do anymore... I stopped gaming and wanted to spend more time with her. But it seems like she doesn't anymore...
Everytime is ask if she wants to do something with me she asks: what do you wanna do? And at first i can name things and we do it sillently almost without words.

I don't get hugs anymore and i only get a kiss when she leaves for work. She locks her Iphone with a huge password and keeps to herself. All she does is work and play that online game were ofc.... That guy also is.

She keeps telling me that she doesn't talk to him anymore and probably on facebook she doesn't. But i'm sure she does in game.

I don't know what to do anymore and i don't wanna loose her. We build this great life together and i can't picture myself without her.

What should i do? Confront her again? Ask why she keeps to herself? Demand to know if she is still talking to him? Or am i just going insane and i just need to see what the future gives??

Sorry for this long post i just needed to make sure i didn't picture her wrong. She's a lovely person and we use to have such a great time together. I just want her back like how it was before. And also i know it is partly my fault by running into the gameworld trying to hide for her. Wish i could take that back...

Thanks

Need some relationship advice

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You need to understand a that a successful marriage needs constant attention and daily input to make it work and both people in it need to contribute without it being an effort. It's too late for the relationship when two people live under the same roof but don't communicate to one another. Sure, one may still have the need and want to make it work, but if the other doesn't have the same need, or has lost the need, then the relationship is basically over. If your wife can flirt online with a guy 1000ks away, then it's telling you that she doesn't have the need or the will to contribute to her marriage....basically the same way you shut yourself out some months ago.

If your wife can't give you an answer in regards to a future with you, then you need to give her the space that you needed, for whatever reasons, to sort her head and heart out. If she needs to get from under her marriage, then you need to step back and see what develops, because you won't be able to change her mind for her, regardless if you have had to change your gaming habits to try and accommodate her. Your gaming interests that you share and have always had, are not the issue.

It's not so much of wanting to get back what you had, it's about looking at why you lost what you had and shared together.

Need some relationship advice

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"You need to understand a that a successful marriage needs constant attention and daily input to make it work and both people in it need to contribute without it being an effort. It's too late for the relationship when two people live under the same roof but don't communicate to one another. Sure, one may still have the need and want to make it work, but if the other doesn't have the same need, or has lost the need, then the relationship is basically over."

100% true! But - all in the space of under two months?

Well, Chazy, it wasn't much of a marriage in the first place if it included a wife who, given only twoooo piddly months- no, actually, LESS than two months (know the process up to that point and do the maths), featuring barely any attention, despite KNOWING her husband's in just as bad a place ergo can't be there for her as much as usual, manages to find a replacement lover already - or maybe even just thinks it's okay to flirt with available men as 'rightful' compensation or entertainment or both - for her husband DARING to take his mind and eyes off her for two seconds flat ("Ermagheerd, call the Relationship Police!"), even when he has a bloomin' good reason!, was it?,...because taking your story at face-value or as gospel, I don't think this woman *does* attaching... to anyone ...quite frankly.

Seriously - PFFFFFFF! That's not a wife, a woman who loves and is in any way attached to you, now, is it. Love is an UMBILICUS (psych version). You can't just rip off an umbilicus, whether that quickly or *any* time before it's ready to naturally drop off - you'd damn well HAEMORRHAGE to death! Could you have gone off HER or got so resentful to such an extent where you felt entitled to commit that (contextually) giant crime as warrants 25 years in Relationship Maximum Security, in under 2 months? Jesus! Even when the man's indisputably at fault, with a healthy woman it can take anywhere between 2 years and DECADES for her to moreover 'leave' the relationship with her heart if not or before her feet!

I *would* say - Mid Life Crisis Alert!, only, don't blame MLC when there are too many others out there going through the same thing but NOT cheating and risking trashing their whole marriage, just joining a gym and taking Salsa classes or finally retaking their Maths 'A' Level or learning computer skills or WHATEVER ELSE that doesn't involve stabbing through the heart and brain with a 12-inch serrated knife your supposed one special person in the world. So don't listen to that little violin rendition she gave you about not knowing what/where/how/when, I'm so lost, boo-hooo, pity mee, daddyyyy, because - that's the first YOU'D heard about it. Well, wasn't it?

PFFF! PFFF!, I say! If the above is the case then she's done you a bloody favour, mate, (or Fate has), and set you loose before you're too old to get it up [- for the younger viewers at home, I'm talking about kites and how you have to be fit to run fast enough for them to take to the air :-)]. You wait until (when, not if - you're human so that's that) you meet a woman that actually IS head-over-heels with you, my GOD, you'll think you've died and gone to Heaven and then back again, reborn and given Greek God status for being such a jolly good fellow, or have been suddenly transported to another, parallel universe where 'there' you got the hottie - on the outside *and* in (heart and mind, an actual angel if you're really lucky, not just a good impression of one)!

However, before I get carried away (more): what was the reason for her needing your emotional support and what was the reason why you needed 'to be a wounded cat that hides behind the garden shed'? Who died / who got fired / who had one of those dreams where you go down your local high street, naked except for an over-short vest, but then suddenly realise it's not a dream and you're wide awake but had a funny turn? And - wait - *was* she aware of your upset or weird mood elongated, including the reason behind it and did you *tell* her 'Not now, Bernard, I'm having a crisis too - this happened and then that happened and now I feel blah-blah...'? Or did she think you were doing all you could, replete with excuses, not to have to bother to be her shoulder to cry and lean on? Does that fit with your years of yearning to make her yours? I don't think so.

But still... one blink-and-you-miss-it month and she's cheating on you. (Or LESS for all we know?!) Thank god you didn't just find out you have cancer! She'd have been OFF, first time you puked up your chemo residue (from either end)!

So... there you were, wooing her for Belgium because you were utterly fruit-loopy over her and had been, practically daily, for YEARS, and there was her -WHAT..? Deciding to marry you because you wore nice shoes? Sounds like something along those lines, doesn't it?

Do you KNOW all of this already? Are you AWARE that someone who was ever genuinely in-love with you can't, LET ALONE 'WOULDN'T', throw in the towel and transfer their affections that quickly like you'd meant nothing more than a Kleenex which now was dirty, after (I presume from your nigh-on Olympian-grade pursuit of her) one failure to be there in a whole history of being there??

I don't know, I'm incredulous. And I'm usually *never* incredulous. What is she - a robot? All that wooing and none of it actually took? Did you buy her from Japan and have her programmed but the programmer was hung-over that day when it came to including Attachment ability? This woman-robot-thing doesn't even LIKE you if she could so easily do to you something that potentially suicidal-making following having shared 8 years of her adult life and X years of hours of her childhood/school-life with you, just because you're going through some crisis at the same time as her through presumably no fault of your own and she seemingly believes you're the one who should be the robot. But again - what - specifically - was your crisis and what was hers (and the other above questions)?

Why doesn't she like you? (Or *is* she a bit backwards and really *does* believe that sort of entertainment or 'attention-source-substitution' is acceptable when you're married?) Did you mis- or over-sell yourself during the 'man possessed' sales pitch and, as soon as you'd got the ball and chain fastened, sat back and ripped off the Pepe le Pew mask to reveal Daffy Duck? Because if not (to all of it) then there's something desperately wrong with that woman, pretty and shapely (in your opinion at least) or not.

Come onnnn, there must have been things not right, well before December and January, SURELY?

If you want help saving your (er) marriage and making it INTO a marriage - a proper one, with feelings included on both sides - then you're going to have to give me the WHOLE truth. Neither you nor anyone helping you to change a lightbulb in the pitch dark can be of any use if you're telling them to 'go right a bit' when the fixture is actually located to the left. The light just won't go on. Capiche? And if you're already giving me the whole truth then...she's done you a favour and in a few years you'll find out just HOW big a favour (and realise you've never been in true - i.e. TWO-way - love before).

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-2