So, here's a semi long thing.
Some background - I am a 21 year old woman who would probably fall under being asexual, but I never wanted to be and have worked for years with therapists, friends, and of course myself to work for what I wanted which was to be able to handle everything a sexual person can handle, both physically and emotionally. After slowly growing for 5 years through practice with partners (mainly one night stands.) I am at a point where I feel comfortable with everything and even find pleasure. Thus far, (not to get graphic) but I have both given and received manual and oral pleasure, the only thing I really had (and have) left was vaginal intercourse and I believed I only wanted to do this with someone I loved and was in a committed relationship with. Also (important later on) I am moving to New York City at the end of July.
Something else that might be important was that about a year ago, I left a type of abusive relationship. We never dated officially, but were intimate and spent a great deal of time together. He was an alcoholic and was emotionally abusive to me, often calling me in the night to come over and ramble frighteningly for entire nights and mornings in an extremely drunk state. He also would give backhanded compliments or outright insults, trying to imply that I was stupid and that he did not respect my background. I ended up performing manual (handjob) sex on this person for the first time, but I don't regret it as I ultimately saw it as progress in the main struggle of my life. Eventually, I left and I believed everything was fine, that I had been in control the whole time and that it wasn't even a relationship. But I suffered after effects which a therapist described as "PTSD symptoms" which have included unfriendliness and aggression, even violence from me towards strangers (I had been an EXTREMELY friendly and kind person, the change has been shocking to me and everyone I know,) in addition to panic when I think I see this man on the street. I keep working with therapists, but this all only seems to get worse in terms of my aggression and I am sad because I really liked how I was and I feel like I let someone take my good qualities even though I know it isn't my fault.
Anyway, amongst my everyso-often "hookup" (which, with strangers never includes anything more than kissing and occasional nudity) I met someone I truly like. He is everything I want in a life partner. He is adventurous and hopes to live in many places abroad like I do, he's very friendly which is so nice to be around since I now have trouble starting interactions with strangers. He also builds me up, he knows what happened with my abuse and whenever I say something negative about myself, he disagrees. He also makes an effort whenever I tell him about something I did that day to tell me things like, "That was really kind." He makes me feel like maybe I haven't lost everything I think I have. He's so genuinely kind and generous, he's open and honest and always saying nice things about his friends and helping them. This is someone I want to have that temporary long-term relationship with while I'm in New York while he finishes his last year of school. However, he will also be living 2 hours away this summer, I may only see him on weekends or not at all.
Now, I probably got over-excited in pursuing him. Which is annoying to me because I feel like I know how to date in a way that would make someone want me, but I kind of bared all and jumped in head first, so I feel like I don't have him hooked the way I want to because he's known how desperate I am for him this whole time. I've known him for 4 months and we verbally agreed we were dating about 2 months ago. I've been more intimate with him than I ever have with anyone by far. It's the first time I've really enjoyed myself and I finally understood the emotional connection of why people have sex. All the while, he's had a girl he's friends with and he liked her for two years. He told her several times that he liked her and she always gave him a roundabout answer. Oddly, we talked about her a few times, which was a little upsetting but I also kind of felt like that no one has convinced him in all this time to insist on a answer from her, so maybe I could. He actually did a few days after a discussion we had about her (which involved a little yelling from me about how he should insist an answer and stop being a "pussy."
Which I did apologize the next say for being so pushy and he said it was completely fine and that I just said what every one has always told him. Honestly, I was really surprised he actually got closure with her, I mean if no one convinced him to do this in two years, I must mean something to him then, right? Or he just got tired of it after 2 years.
So, (the same night I yelled at him) I brought up something I had been considering for a few weeks and had discussed a bit with friends. I asked him if he would take my virginity, not right then but in general. He said he wanted to think about it. A few hours later into the night, he asked why I wanted him to take my virginity. I said because I wanted to lose it and feel like a fresh start when I move to New York City. Also because he is very kind and I wanted to make sure the first time I do it is with a good person. Also just because I like him. He thought for a second and then accepted. We will both be very busy this summer so he says he doesn't know when, but he even accepted my specific, romantic demands for how and where I wanted it to happen haha.
He's very good with me when we're together, but I just feel like he was more into me in the beginning, before we even really dated. He said some incredible things to be back then, now I don't really get that. He also never texts me first, absolutely never. he mentioned once when I pressed into what he meant by something that whenever he texts me, he knows he'll be getting one back in a second. And it was not a compliment. Recently, I waited to see how long it'd take before he texted me first. I caved on day 4 because I wanted to ask him to an event. I know I still want to keep my plans to lose my virginity because I do want to make sure I lose it to a good person and the new beginning in New York and everything, but is it time to separate that from the desire for a relationship? I work hard for all the things and opportunities I want, when I want to move somewhere or do something, I can always research it and work hard and get it. But this is a person, it doesn't work like that. I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable of me not getting what I want here.
What's your opinion?
Perhaps you think you are giving him the "gift" of your virginity, but perhaps he may think you are using him.
What is it?
I don't think so? I don't think I've really given him any reason to think that, I think he's tired of the obsessive, needy, me texting him every day and that I'm too available, it feels like he just doesn't feel very strongly about me.