I have been struggling with a lot of things in my life lately. It started with work and then things went down hill. When it rains it pours. On of the major things that sent me in a downward spiral is my girlfriend invited another guy to her hotel room when she was traveling. Everyone was hammered and nothing happened but it really hit me hard. Anyway, I don't like showing weakness so I try to keep it to myself. I've finally asked my girlfriend for help sometimes and she said she doesn't know how to help. I need to tell her what to do. I can understand that in a way but it bothers me. Shouldn't those things come naturally instead of having to be told what to do? I look at the bigger picture. What if there is a child involved? Shouldn't you comfort the child when he needs you instead of the child telling you what to do? I also look at it if I were her husband. It's even gone to the point of hearing "I can't help you". I don't feel any emotions from her when she says that. She is a very quiet person who shuts down easily and doesn't show a lot of emotion. She gets defensive and angry. I'm not faulting her for being like this because it's the way she is wired. I come from a very close Italian family where a lot of emotions are shown. Maybe too much sometimes. To me it seems very "one way" to not be able to help. It also seems like it's every man for themselves. Where is the family in that? Any feedback would be appreciated. I am just trying to understand
Both I and Mr Soulmate have been drunk in each other's absence before but it didn't make us drop our standards and morals. So - we talking drunk or utterly paraletic? If so, why did she have this need to bounce herself off the walls and dance right on the cliff-edge? And how come YOU got to learn about it, anyway, hmm? Told you, did she? INTERESTING.....Wonder why she did that?
Why don't you like showing weakness? What's 'weakness', anyway, in this context - define it for me?
And who told you that a relationship features keeping things to yourself when relationships are supposed to all about sharing/communicating how you feel daily/constantly so that the other person not only constantly understands you and where you're coming from but accordingly can show befitting sensitivity before they make a move or open their mouth in your direction?
So do you also fail to yell OW! when, say, the dentist starts drilling before the anaesthetic has properly taken? Would that be clever or would it be masochistic for how it'd be you inviting unnecessary pain and stress?
If, however, you did tell the dentist to wait 5 minutes more yet he went ahead anyway, and this became a regular occurrence, then you'd realise the dentist weren't mentally sensitive enough for your level of sensitivity and need for sense of safety, and seek a different practitioner.
Ah. Italiano! Capisco (mio marido es meto Italiano). No es necessario dire de pui. Porque no quieres una fidanzato Italiano or Mediterranea? (That's probably half Spanish but hopefully close enough.)
If she gets defensive and angry then maybe you're more forthright and blunt than she's used to (due to the cultural *and* familial differences) and therefore, to her, SOUND/APPEAR aggressive/het-up or accusatory? I know that's a pretty typical Italian trait because, so have a lot of my exes been Italian, and I'm STILL...ALWAYS...telling Mr S that he sounds aggressive/really p*ssed-off when talking about anything not strictly positive and he just as constantly insists he's NOT, he's not even mildly irritated and that's 'just the way he talks' (to which I say, I KNOW...BUT YOU STILL SOUND IT TO THE ENGLISH EAR!) (slow learner
). Or maybe she's the type whose thistle up her a*se has a thistle up its a*se? Or because you mainly keep things to yourself, she's not used to you then NOT (hasn't had the practise) so basically exits the conversation before it risks getting 'awkward'?
Whichever - you're obviously not compatible. But if I were you, I'd put that to the thorough test before taking any life-affecting action. So put your feelings (not just thoughts, FEELINGS) into a letter and see what comes back, either verbally or by return letter. If the *thistle* writes back/answers - or, worse, you get zero response - ...Eh, Luigi, for-geeed id an-a yoo go find-a youself a NICE-a girl wid a beeeeg-a, open heart, si?
(Heh...tho-wee...couldn't resist...kick me later.)
However, saying all of that - she's not your mother. So if you need to benefit from a woman's wisdom and intuition to teach you how to be comfortable being vulnerable when ensconced in Vulnerability Land (romantic relationships...Relationship Super-Sized/In Yer Face) and experiencing its frequent 'Wobble' episodes then ideally you should book yourself a course of counselling with a female therapist. But, 'I can't help you' sounds more like, 'Don't give a sh*t, that's your problem', which - no it's not...as does 'oh-so-helpfully' informing you that she came "this close" to being 'stolen' by another male but then in the next beat, refusing to discuss it and why it's (understandably) left you feeling precarious. Because 'mi casa es su casa' (both ways) - to a point. The crux question here, therefore, is TO WHAT DEGREE do you 'need her help'?
Or are you actually saying that she did something unacceptable, told you about it, then refused to discuss it and, when pressed, said it's your problem if you feel bad because of it? If so, she's what we in the trade call, a complete, manipulative, b*tch intent on pulling you down a peg or two so that other women won't find you half as attractive/magnetising (if at all), which makes her a Master-Servant merchant who *herself - secretly* is the one who lacks confidence but doesn't trust you (or any lover) enough to confide it thus plays cruel and nasty mind-games, i.e. feels better/safer the more rotten and small YOU feel.
'Everyone was hammered and nothing happened"
Wait - was this a group of people (co-workers?) OR was this a one-on-one invite?
Group of co workers went out after work. We were in contact all day via text but when she sent me a text that they were going to "dinner" I stopped. She had a drinking problem so dinner to me was drinking. I just got a bad feeling in my gut. Anyway, started off with group and then it was only her and the other dude. They both went to their hotel rooms and he texted her. She was upset because we had a fight a couple days prior and because I didn't respond to get text. She ended up texting him her room number (he's married) and he came over. Nothing happened apparently but it was because she was "lonely and upset". I found all this out by a text and gut feeling. Everything was deleted from he phone. There are always two sides of the coin. I just don't understand hers. That's betrayal. Plain and simple. To not say anything is worse. It was a trigger