Just venting to be honest
So to be honest, I'm not sure how many people will read this and also not sure what I hope to accomplish, other than just putting my thoughts on paper (or in this case the internet, cause what can go wrong) but I'm at this point where I just really want to complain about a lot of stuff.
So before we begin, let me introduce myself. Actually, one thing first. Although my English isn't necessarily horrible and chrome is being really nice getting most of the errors out, I'm not a native speaker and so my sentences might sometimes be a little bit wrong, but just ignore that.
So now let's start with the introduction. I'm a 21 year old male, self proclaimed introvert, virgin, never kissed never in a relationship, guarded (no idea why tho) and probably shy, or just extremely introverted. And that's all you need to know about me I guess.
So the first thing I want to just talk about is simple, introversion. I don't really go out that much (would that be the reason I haven't had a girlfriend? probably) because I plainly just do not like to be around strangers, but here's the most annoying part. When I'm at home watching a movie, about college for instance, I envy those popular kids you know? I guess we've all been there but I know if I actually was in that situation I would not enjoy it, but my brain still want's to be like "but it would be fun wouldn't it?" and there's my problem.
Also, one of my roommates (more housemates, but I'll say roommates because housemates sounds weird) trew (throwed?) a orange at my a while ago, just after I went to bed, and I snapped, got out of bed, opened my door and tried to hurl it at her face (don't worry, she was 10m (30 feet?) away from me and my aim is terrible, so I missed by a mile, but still. Being the kind of guy who never gets angry, or mad, or upset (yeah, that's not healthy) it was kind of scary for her.
So the next day I sat in my room all day, not wanting to talk to anybody (and I didn't) until another roommate knocked on my door, asking me if I was ok, short version, I told her I wasn't really mad at the girl who trew (yeah, I'm sticking with that) the orange, but I just snapped, she agreed that it was the first time I got mad, or even upset, in the 2 years that I had lived here. After making sure I was ok she left.
A few minutes later somebody else knocked on my door, and it was the roommate I tried to hit with an orange. She wasn't sure if she wanted to come and see me that evening (24 hours ish after I snapped) or wait and come talk to me the day after, but she herself also wasn't feeling great about it, so she decided to come after I told my other roommate just minutes before that I wasn't really mad at her. So we talked, for quite a while, about me being introvert, her being introvert, me bottling everything up, her talking to a professional for a while, and about me always trying to find an excuse not to go to a bar and just stay home. After all that she told me if I ever wanted to talk, I could always come over (not done that because I genuinely do not know how to start).
So here comes the most f up part about this story (yeah, sadly it gets worse) after this conversation, she did something that on paper was very nice, and it really was, whenever she would go out and would have normally invited me, she wouldn't, because she knew I wouldn't want to go, so whats the bad part? I want to be invited and say no, yeah... I know. WHY? probably because you know, people (even the shy introverted just leave me alone type of people) want to be offered to be included, not necessarily included, but offered to be.
Now the most annoying part about this, ever since I snapped, it's like a seal broke, and air is slowly sipping out (not sure if it was because I snapped or because I opened up during a time I was vulnerable) The most logical thing to do would be to talk to somebody again right? so here we are. Actually, this is not true, I guess the first time I shed a tear was after I had to do a quiz at school and that told me I was an introvert, that moment I thought, yeah, I could've told you that, why take this stupid pointless test, but it got me thinking. So a couple of days later when I couldn't sleep at night (tend to be a bit of a night owl, its currently 3:45 am) I started googling introvert, and ended up at a video of Susan Cain (wrote a book about introverts and was now a motivational speaker of some sort) and that's when the dam broke. I guess I never stopped to think about the fact I wasn't alone, when we're young we never do I guess. But especially after I snapped and had a conversation with my roommate, I couldn't stop thinking about all sorts of stuff.
What kind of stuff? you might ask (those who're still reading, I'm flattered, impressed and kinda humbled I guess) well first the obvious one of course, introversion, it started bothering me more and more that I didn't feel comfortable around people, I hate (yeah, present tense) being introverted, but I feel like I can't really talk about it, because I feel like the advice I would get is "just don't" you know? Just don't be introverted, just don't be uncomfortable around people, just don't self pity and change something. Also, what could people do? I've talked about pretty much the same stuff I talked about with my roommate a couple days ago with one of my friends, and his advice also wasn't great, not because he didn't try mind you, or because he didn't understand, he did, but he just didn't know what to say. And that is sometimes really difficult.
Next, virgin, yeah, I'm going to talk about it, sorry, it is starting to become a bigger problem lately (I'm guessing, if I'm going to be honest here, probably a year by now, or longer) It's not like people don't know I'm a virgin, (my roommates do, my classmates, no way, they're a bunch of getting drunk and nailing everybody party goers) but it's two things. First, the conversations about sex in general, I always feel left out, and as somebody who feels left out easily, this is sometimes quite difficult. But the second reason is the more complex one, so let me start a new paragraph.
How can I say this, it's probably not even that I am a virgin, it is probably also that I never had a girlfriend, why? I never go out, I know that. But just like when watching those stupid movies, I might be making it look better than it actually is. I probably am. I also don't really like going out and meeting people, I just want *poof* girlfriend (don't we all) and some might say, yeah because you don't want to get hurt. After reading more than 1200 words, I hope you are not one of them. I hope by now you understand the real problem. I don't like meeting strangers. and for those still not understanding, let me explain:
when I go to the supermarket, and it's quiet in the store, I pack my stuff at the register and the girl (or guy but mostly girl) behind the counter is just staring straight ahead being bored out of her mind because it's so quiet, me saying "it's quiet huh?" is somehow my victory of the day, I said something to someone I don't know (this is why I think it's not just introversion, it's shyness as well) Or if a roommate has friends over in the kitchen, I just chill in my room, not wanting to talk to those scary people I don't know.
So why would I want to talk to scary girls? So I don't. I don't put myself out there in any way, so I'm not going to get a girlfriend any time soon and in a weird way, I've somehow accepted that. What bothers sometimes tho, is what happens the moment I do (I know, I can never just think about something and be happy) Because the moment I do, or to be more specific, the moment I am about to lose my virginity (hopefully before I'm 30) I'm going to have to tell her right? So what's the problem? Me having to tell something about myself. That means you're not ready, you're probably right. You're at that moment at a point when you share something as intimate as sex you probably can tell her that right? Not sure, see, I don't necessarily see sex that way, why? probably because I'm a virgin, probably. But still, hearing some people say that it will all be all right and stuff will work itself out and blah blah. I don't care about what you say, I'm so sorry I have to be blunt. I really am, but that's not the point of me writing this. Then what is? Needing a place to let the air, that is metaphorically escaping the seal, out.
And I guess this brings us at an end for this day, yes, there will be more, I'm sure of it. There are still some things I want to talk about, even if nobody is reading them. But before I go I want to say one thing to those that have actually read the entire thing (and weren't offended that I said I didn't care about what they have to say) because you know what? Even though I might not care what you say (or maybe, if we're going to be honest here, I do, I just don't want to in a way) writing all of this made my head a lot calmer, and I do not know if this is because it's 4:30 right now and I'm just tired, or if it is because this is a great way for me to let go. (getting off track here) The thing I really want to end it on is thank you, thank you for reading now close to 1800 words and basically my thoughts for the last couple of months, thank you for reading it all. And even if only one person reads this, then thank you one person. Because even though I might not ever know that you read it, thinking that there is a big chance at least one person reads this means a lot.
and it's "threw"
(It's also '[threw] *an* orange' - 'a' when the next word begins with a consonant (which doesn't include the letter 'h'), 'an' if a vowel. 50p, please.)
'If only one person reads this'? Where do you think you are - a morgue? LOL
First thing is this: consistently going to sleep at your age at anywhere between 3.30 and 4.30am leaves *anyone* feeling unsociable. (And don't give me that look (I can see ya) - it's a fact.) Secondly, you're presumably living in digs at university, meaning, you've been plonked amid a limited number of personality types not of your own choosing and with whom you may have very little in common aside from this main, mere circumstance. Maybe if they were more like you, rather than party/conquest animals (or those pretending to be and being quite good actors, choosing to run with the pack rather than having the confidence to be their truer, quieter and more reflective selves), you *would* feel like going out more because you'd have more of a chance at getting to see through their false, social-safety veneers. You can't tell, though, because you are. But I'll tell you this for nothing: the amount of threads we (and other forums) get that sound uncannily similar to your own. So you're not half as unique or different as you think you are.
Thirdly, internet dating was devised specifically for introverts like yourself. You can get to know someone quite well before meeting them face-to-face, whereby you feel like your first date is actually your third or fourth. Same holds true for friendship-making sites. Why not try them? And whilst you're trying them, try getting up early tomorrow so that come the night, you're ready to drop off before Midnight. If those two things don't improve matters and even have a positive impact on your 'real life' acquaintanceships, THEN you can claim with any confidence that you "are" an introvert. Until you have, what you think you are or are not is pure speculation.
Furthermore, nor is it unusual to still be a virgin at 21. These days, since the risks of Aids and, more recently, misconceptions about porn-film behaviour representing or indicating real life behaviour (giant Not!) and just adding to the already off-putting pressure or fears about sexual relations, you're not in the minority either so I imagine come your first time, SHE'LL be a virgin too. And if she's not - who cares - how flattering (and relief- and relaxation-bringing) for her to know she's your first.
I'm not saying all of your worries are solely in your head. But about 75% of them are, I reckon. So - do the first experiment (properly - for a month...flex your self-discipline muscles to test as well as improve their strength...because you're going to need them once you enter the bigger world, believe you me), and see how differently you start to feel...eliminate those factors from the evidence table, as it were.
a threw, of course, chrome wasn't sure what I meant tho. Although I did know it was an orange, that was just a typo (did it right a couple sentences later)
Of course I'm aware going to sleep at 3:30/4:30 isn't a great idea, but it's also not really a choice. I haven't been able to sleep for a while (week or two) this happens occasionally and normally it goes away after a while.
The thing is, I was already aware of, and agree with, most of the things you say. I am for instance aware that some people do just put on a show when they go out, just to fit in perhaps. I am also acutely aware that I would not feel comfortable going out all the time. I've also realized why I'm actually posting here, besides the conversation with you (because no matter what I said at the end of last post, I do appreciate it) It's also to have a conversation with myself (which, if you read the first post, you might notice I've been doing on some occasions) Why? Because the irrational fears I have (and I'm fully aware that most of them are irrational, don't worry) both annoy and fascinate me, how come somebody is afraid of something he knows he doesn't have to be afraid of? The best example is of course the common spider, why fear an animal you can literally crush with your pinky? These and much more oftentimes useless topics I just find fascinating.
Maybe there is also another reason why I'm writing it, getting my thoughts in order for example. Having to actually force myself to think about something, because if I don't, I can't get it to paper (or zero's and ones, but let's not argue about the small things). The thing is, I love having conversations with myself (don't worry, I'm not hearing voices) as a way of thinking about stuff. And I guess we all do that sometimes, some more than others perhaps. It's just an easy method of looking at something from all different points of view, and I guess that was what I was trying to get across more than anything perhaps, is that I've thought about those things myself as well. This of course also makes responding slightly more difficult, because of the time I've already put in thinking about this (and believe me, I would be one rich man if I got paid for those hours)
Something you said made me think tho, something I didn't really notice until I thought about it an hour ago (guess I didn't look at it from all points of view), it wasn't even a specific thing, it was actually just you responding to me being a virgin. And even though I do not necessarily want to bring it back to me being a virgin (because that's not the main thing that's bothering me) It did make me realize something, something that explains why I've been more annoyed at the fact I'm still a virgin. See, my high school friends were (and most of them still are) virgins.
The thing is, nobody I know here is a virgin, some people I hang out with during classes (don't really consider them friends, they're OK, just that I do not necessarily need to see them after class) even talk about which girl they nailed (and yes, subtlety isn't their strong suit, probably a reason I don't want to spend time with them after class) complaining about how long it's been since the last time (sometimes a week, the way they complain sometimes...) but also my roommates, and it's not that weird, being a young (sometimes slightly other times a bigtime) immature student does mean that a portion of the topics are sex related, now the thing is, I don't comment on those stuff (the people from my class don't know I'm a virgin, although they might suspect) and always just hope for the conversation the change in another direction.
I never have that with my high school friends because we're still virgins so it's less awkward to talk about, since we're all on the same level. And like I said, I realized that about an hour ago, it's not about me being a virgin that I really hate, it's about other people talking about how they're not that bothers me (and yeah, psychologists might still point out that that's not completely true, but still)
That brings me to the last point I'm going to discuss (or at least the last planned one) and the one that's been the hardest on me (even though I'm not sure if it's the longest, but we'll see) and before I start, I want to point out a few things, first of all, I am aware that about a third to half of the population is introverted to an extent, secondly (apparently second of all is not a thing, even though movies/series are not always aware) I am pretty sure (about 90%) that this problem is not just because I'm introverted, but also because I'm extremely guarded and even though I sometimes claim I don't really care what other people think, I still don't want them to know anything about me (unless I don't know them, and probably will never run into them, hence this beautiful way of communicating)
The topic is about internet dating. I've thought about it (even had an account on one of those free websites, don't bother, they're full of spam) I still have one problem. Putting myself out there. And honestly that's one of the things that is a (somewhat, don't worry, I am aware that it isn't exactly the same) justified fear. The first question of course would be, why? For that we have to go back almost exactly 3 years, the first time I had to find a room. I don't know how it works in America or England, so let me explain briefly how it works.
When a room becomes vacant, the roommates currently living in that house make a wanted ad somewhere on a website, shortly describing the people living in the house (themselves) and the room. Then a person who needs a room will respond to this ad with a short email describing himself. If the people currently living in the house like the message, they will invite that person to their housewarming (not sure if it's the right word, but that's the translation I got, this is the definition I mean: Also used by university students to check out potential roommates.) Then (not sure why I mention this so late, but I'm pretty sure I've been butchering the correct use of then/than) you have to tell something about yourself, they ask some questions and for 30 minutes (most of the time) it's pretty much all about you (oh I hated that part). If they like you, you get the room (if you want to of course) if not, though luck.
Now the explanation for my justified (in my opinion) fear. When I started looking for a room, probably somewhere in June 3 years ago, I applied for more rooms than I could count and was invited to about 10. So there I was, talking about myself, having to pretty much sell myself, sometimes having real trouble with it and sometimes feeling a genuine connection to the people living there. Spoilers, it was almost the end of august, and I still didn't have a room. Luckily, my mom knew somebody, who's son was studying at the same university and he went home for 6 months, for an internship. All of a sudden I had a room, for now. So after maybe a month, I started looking for another room, going to another 5 rooms I guess, until I found one the landlord just rented, with 2 other people but they didn't care who went in that room, they didn't talk to each other and also wouldn't really talk to the guy living in the 3rd room. So the landlord showed me the room, showed me the shared rooms and told me if I wanted the room, all I had to do was sign, so I did. I stayed here for about 2 months, not really being happy, but also not wanting to find another room because I just hate (yeah, still do) that (not that I want another room by the way). Finally my mom (yeah, my mom) convinced me to start looking again. This time I was in luck, I was invited to two houses, the first one took their time deciding and the second one called me the next morning to tell me I was "hired". I accepted, told the first house I didn't need a room anymore, and moved to the house I currently still live (been living here for almost 2.5 years now).
Now why did I tell you all of this? Simple, because to truly understand what I'm about to tell you, it's important that you know. I've skipped most of the me driving home very angrily, or sitting at home very disappointed when I got another rejection, but I hope you get the point.
Interesting side note, besides my parents and siblings (as far as my siblings really paid attention) nobody, not even my current roommates, know to how many houses I've been, even when we got to those conversations and my roommates tell how many houses they had to visit before they finally got hired (like three) I never told them (not that difficult, I don't really say that much anyway, so it was pretty easy) I mean, they don't need to know, about half of them will make fun of me, the other half will pity me and I can do without both of those.
And now here's the thing, the reason I'm not on tinder (I have seriously considered, and still am considering making an account) or haven't done any other internet dating is because I really don't like putting myself out there, telling something about myself and letting people judge me, I've had my fair share (more than most, believe me) with that bloody housewarming stuff. It didn't MAKE me guarded, but it sure as hell added another few layers on top of the ever growing walls. And now, not thinking about the fact I can't have small talk, or feel very uncomfortable talking to strangers (even via the internet sometimes, and this doesn't count, it's way less of a conversation, more of a set of linked monologues) or that I find it a personal victory to ask the cashier if it's already been busy or not. The point is (I rambled a bit too much during the last sentence, so just cut it and start a new one) I don't like "selling myself" and yes, you don't really do while dating, be it websites or f2f, it's not too far from the truth (or at least in my opinion, with my own definition of selling).
And here is the thing, the thing I want to end on, the self reflection in a way. I am becoming more and more guarded. I am uncomfortable putting myself out there (which is a much better phrase than selling, now that I think of it), because of this, I don't (avoidance, the healthy solution). Because I don't put myself out there, I become more secluded, making it more difficult to get out of my shell and the vicious circle goes back around I guess. And in the end that's the problem, maybe even more than me being introvert, me being guarded. Maybe I'm guarded because I'm not entirely comfortable with myself (psychologists? Or better yet, let me just answer that one for you, probably) So how can I be in a relationship if I'm not comfortable with myself? I'd rather not think too much about that, I'm already thinking way too much about the rest.
So why tell all this? So you can feel pity for me for having to go to about 15 houses before I found the one I live now? No, please don't. To tell me dating is not the same as the housewarming? I hope not. To tell me I've just got to break those walls down? I dare you... No, once again, I don't now, once again I think it's for my own brain, to order stuff, think about it better (then why write this again here, not just in word? I don't know, let me turn the the psychologists for the last time this post). I guess in the end because it's easier for me to write, to discuss with myself, when I think of how other people might react when they read this, and that's what makes it easier to write. In a way that's true, but again, probably not completely. The thing I do want to mention (again) before I go to bed is this, I like to think about these kind of stuff (to an extend, sometimes I feel slightly to trapped in my own mind). I am fascinated by the weird things your mind does, the conclusions it can draw on its own and the peace I get. Let me actually (again) end with this, thanks for reading, I hope you got another bit of insight in my mind, with its vicious circles, contradictions and other fun stuff. Let me know what you think, it doesn't have to be advice, not at all. I just typed almost 2300 words, that consisted of just me thinking about stuff and feel free to do the same.
Crikey O'Reilly, I didn't realise you'd responded because I either didn't get or somehow completely missed the email alert! SO SORRY, JOE, you must have thought me terribly rude!
It's the wee hours here so, hang tight and I'll be back on (posting-wise) tomorrow.
(Here I am, finally!)
Just a typo. Ok, you can have your 50p back, LOL. And - that's okay, you yadder away at me and I'll yadder away at you; I quite like a good, rambling natter sometimes...and even if either of you don't register some of it, it still all goes in, eh.
First thing's first, though - you sound like you could be experiencing over-sharp hormone peaking and troughing, so you might want to get that checked with your GP in case all you need to keep your sleep regulated (or improved) is to slap on a bit of hormone cream whenever you're in your insomniac phase. Meantime, have you tried the herbal remedies like Valerian in order to try breaking the cycle once it sets in?
Yes, I did realise this was first and foremost your diary. The 'stream of consciousness' sort-of gave it away "a tad", LOL. Happens a lot on this forum. S'not a problem. (Snot itself is a problem, of course, but this snisn't (hur-hur...that's me doing a bit of my own 'stream-ing').)
Often, someone's afraid of something they don't need to be afraid of because a part of their mind needs to create an excuse not to venture forth with it.... either fear of failure or fear of success (thinking you can't handle the permanent step up it'd represent). Which one are you?
(If you're talking about more primitive, hard-wired fears (as feature revulsion), like spiders, it's all to do with our having originally hailed from Asia and/or Africa (or both) where and when native spiders could prove fatal to us as standard, and for such a very long time that the fear and repeatedly reinforced, associative fear behaviour and outcomes (blah-blah sciency blah) as dicatated the 'next' set of situations and choices, 'took' at a genetic level (i.e. became a standard feature - instinct aka genetic memory). You might want to read up on evolutionary psychology if this sort of stuff fascinates you. It is indeed fascinating, as well explains A LOT about the human psyche.)
The very best way to always deal with being an exception and benefit greatly from it, rather than suffer, is to embrace it and use it as your USP (unique selling point...the type that works *for* you rather than the other way around of you having to constantly remind everybody). Only if those with a need to tease *see* that it's an Achilles Heel of yours will they try to use it to torment you, whereas, if you seem to take *pride* in it they won't...because there'd be no point when getting a rise out of you were what they sought, not doing the opposite by *adding* to your street-cred (e.g. you could, if you wanted, and depending on which country you hail from, start referring to yourself, replete with the Little Britain character's Welsh accent, "The only virgin in the village" (which would sound like this: thee on-leee ver-GEN en tha vill-EDGE...go YouTube) - . Now imagine what an attractive challenge you'd be to all the posturing laydeez ('I'm obviously special because I got got chosen as 'the one' to take his cherry')
... *and* to the sensitive, shy gals who who are totally intimidated by the more bulshy, pushy types but whom appreciate a man who can take the mickey out of himself and his 'shortcomings' for the strength of character it suggests. Depending on your location, you could even get yourself a Virgin co. logo badge as a way to say, 'I'm virgin AND PROUD'.
Vive la difference!, is what I always say. Furthermore, long enough with that sort of behaviour and, you'd probably find the girls would be approaching *you* (*and* helpfully doing most of the talking). Well, of course they would, because you're obviously shy and sensitive as well as wittily self-deprecating.
Trust me, girls who are serious about practising for eventual marriage, rather than merely using relationships as some basis for exercising their egos and new-found power over the male of the species - even if marriage is *years* off, still, would MELT if they could get to see this very sensitive side of yours. But not if you acted *ashamed* of it.
Alternatively, just bide your time and accept that if you're late or later than you'd like (that's you) in one area it's because you're advanced in another. Overdue 'buses' always suddenly come along all at once as it is, if you cease looking out for them and instead 'open a book'. I mean, you're highly unlikely to end up walking down the aisle a virgin, are you, same as neither will you in a nappy, still sucking on a dummy, despite back at the time, at one point, you or your parents probably were convinced you might! LOL Same crux issue, just feeling different now you're older and bigger, and underneath that, our old friend Impatience.
...*Or* you could just admit the fact of your virginity, where apropos, whilst telling it like, you've heard that having sex when head-over-heels far-far-FAR outranks what you experience when you're not, and, being an 'I wannit all' merchant, you ain't going to settle for anything less than Wow-Bam-Pow (fireworks)! (Again - what an attractive challenge for some!)
Another potential solution: admit freely that you're a virgin and act like you're seeking out a teacher/mentor, in terms of all the first-hand theory and sophistication of finesse. Those posturing lads will be positively FLOCKING to be that high-kudos-ed, personal 'expert' who relays to you all of their hard-won tips ("I'm the stud, I'll tell ya / no *I* am, don't listen to him, listen to me!", etc.). Everybody wants and needs to be needed in this world. Everybody.
Were it me, I'd wait for a break in conversation to say something along the lines of, 'Well, guess what, guys?.......I'm a determined virgin! So, listening to all of this, tell me - which one of you knows best about what you're talking about, as the one I should be listening most closely to?' (...light fuse and wait for the ensuing scrum
). That way, you're taking the focus off of you, in a way, and onto them, in terms of them proving themselves "to you" (and in the process, to each other) rather than the other way round. "Dats der way ter do id, Dudy!" (- Punch, as in, Punch & Judy...go Google if you don't know the old-fashioned seaside puppet show).
And - Use it or lose it, they say. You just need to learn how to turn lemons into lemonade, that's all. But if you're hung up and clearly not liking it (whatever 'it' might be), people WILL try to pull you down (and try to make the task fun or self-beneficial in the process). Whereas if you're *stepped* up and clearly loving it to point of either quietly or audibly celebrating it, everyone sheep-like else ("baaaaaa!") will want to follow you up there because obviously, you must know something they *don't*, hence they'll want summa that... to rub off on them, ...which means rubbing along with you. Innit.
They also say, If you can't beat 'em, JOIN 'em. Thus becoming the sort-of Bravado Class pet as well as One To Impress would be your way of joining them yet *without* having to alter who you are, pretend to be what you're not or feel ashamed and constantly wishing they'd change the bleedin' record for once. You *might* even find that they suddenly feel obliged to start 'sincere-ing up', what with mentoring or even pitching to become someone's mentor bringing with the kudos a sense of responsibility, and thereby introduce a much softer, more intellectual and sensitive slant to their conversations (i.e. start talking about the emotional aspect of it all). Stranger things have been known to happen.
So, in a nutshell, all of this is about you daring to be your true self and being proud of being an individual rather than a 'pixel', something refreshingly different (in that environment, I mean) and not hide it but wear yourself with pride, as shows you like and recommend yourself...and you should know... in order that you can too quickly see for yourself how confidence is- not gained, EARNED. Plus 'he who dares, wins'.
My son has a wall decal which reads, 'Why fit in when you were born to stand out!' (famous quote by Dr Seuss...and he knew a thing or two, that's for damn sure). It was between that one and the one that reads, 'Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'...although that's a bit passive for our liking when you're lumped into a situation/closed community through still being of educational age without much scope to change your circumstances or environment. (That's one of the perks of a working life; if you really can't stand a company or its personnel, you can chuck it in for another (as long as you've clocked up a year, to show you're no flitty flake).) Still, you get the gist.
Try (any of) it, Sam-I-Am, you might LIKE Green Eggs & Ham.
As for telling them about the protracted room search: couldn't you say you had to visit so many of them simply because your home surroundings are so important to you (like it is for a lot of people)? That's no lie, is it? Selling yourself (as part of dating included) you maybe *don't* like, but it does sound as if you need to at least learn (or dare to use?) 'spin' in order to compensate for that abstinence...The honest version, but whereby you just put positive slants on things or focus primarily on those, like a car dealer that says, 'You'll notice the real leather interior', rather than saying, 'Sorry about the slightly bald tyres, folks'. After all, it's true that absolutely everything has a roughly equal number of up-sides as well as down. Really, you just need to learn (by trying tacks/practising) to start to feel less negatively about yourself and your life choices/preferences and cease feeling that you're so different from the norm (pff, not by a long chalk!) or how you "should" be, or else you feel like you have no alternative in company, except to keep keeping zipped like a clam....which obviously you're not happy doing, a natural chatterbox like you. Under friendly/likeminded circumstances, I should add.
The thing is, once you have a belt-ful of ammo to-hand - 'ammo' being a menu of ready answers with a positive or novel spin for every potentially awkward question or situation you can think of, and start to get used to using them and improvising on-the-spot, you'll have no more reason to fear social situations not strictly to your taste. I reckon someone like you, once he found his feet and got into his stride to the point of running like clockwork, could slowly but surely take *over* that current laddish culture and impose his own.
Sometimes, you see, you don't *have* to actually break walls down. You can dissolve them or create clever little access holes through them. You just need to *keep* thinking when you're thinking negatively, not think you're mentally helpless and then 'flood and run', to break through that usual barrier to where the solutions lay. But you do need to free your mind up, first, of the load called Worry, so that you have the better-working brain cylindry for this sort of creative thinking and problem solving. That's why you feel trapped...there are solutions out there (or 'in there', I should say), but you can't identify them because a portion of the total, critical quantum of brain-power needed for identification (and grasping and articulating) is otherwise engaged (ironic, huh!), all just because you won't be bossy with yourself (your inner naked ape, I mean), grab it by the scruff of the neck and give it a stern talking-to whenever you can feel it leading you into getting sucked too deeply into worry and negativity territory and not letting you 'move on' into solutions and positivity territory.
Does your college have an in-house counsellor you could chew the fat with, seeing again as how you do obviously have a great need to talk things out (no doubt all that keeping schtum/bottling-up you've been feeling you have to do lately)?
As for dating per se, you're not unique, you know, there are LOADS of shy, quiet, guarded girls out there who are and think exactly like you and would feel like they'd won the lottery to find, basically, a male carbon copy of themselves. Have you done your website research properly, could there be an equivalent to our English 'eHarmony', the site that matches you by personality only, no photos until you both make that decision to exchange them (by which point you tend not to care about the looks or lifestyle side of things)?
I mean, you're welcome to use this thread as your diary/blog and see what likeminded posters you attract as you go (should mention - only platonically, it's against forum rules to use the site for dating). You certainly wouldn't be the first, but you need a little leg-up in ways and tricks of making yourself more comfortable with yourself (and in turn, other people) when it comes to face-to-face company, rather than lose out needlessly and pointlessly, and far faster than the process on here (talking about all the inevitable, pending 'Me toos!' that will help raise your confidence as you go and help you work out exactly which personality types you have the most in common with).
Trust me, *regardless* of whether you try working on your confidence or not, or just stay as you are - when you meet the right girl (and everybody does, especially at your age, they're firmly programmed to, as in, *compelled*, meaning literally When, not If) - your counterpart, your Me With Boobs - you'll look back on that question about, how can you be in a relationship if you're not comfortable with yourself, and laugh heartily and derisively at your past self..."Ha-ha, listen to me!", you'll go. "What did *I* know...but if only I *had* known-...".
"Ah, but...", she'll say, "If you had, you might have gone and changed the chain of events as has led us to Here, meaning, we might never *have* met".
"Oh, well in that case", you'll say, "thank god I didn't!".
It's a very common conversation.
You probably won't end up married to this first love, though, not at your age (although that's not the same as saying it'd be out of the question). But normally, because at that age she's only counterpart to your as-yet 'unfinished' self, we tend to sense neither of us are 'eligible' yet and move on, amicably, to the next step up, relationship-wise. But AT THAT TIME she'll be your perfect match.
Try not to worry so much. I costs loads but earns nothing. Believe in it or not, believe this or not - Fate really does have your back, knows precisely what it's doing. And so does your inner ape (who, I should have explained, like everyone, still has residency and power to effect in your jello); it'll find a mate for you just as hers will, her, whether or *not* the pair of you (your conscious selves) later try to take credit for it.
I'll repeat that for you: Conscious You is not the side of ones psyche that finds a mate. So it matters NOT what Conscious You is, isn't, has or hasn't done or achieved yet, etc., etc., etc. It's just about chemistry 'recognising' and fancying and liking its own kind but in the form of an opposite gender.
Just because you don't play the field like the typical, bog-standard, mass-produced type of "lad" does *not* mean you're going to have difficulty with bumping into the love of your (thus far) life. The two are NOT related AT....ALL! Same. But Different. So in your case, you'll be at a bus-stop/wherever, something will happen as DEMANDS you notice her and have to talk or talk back to her (and/or vice-versa); neither of you will CARE what one another says (you'll both be talking giggling, blushing, grinning jibberish, anyway, I guarantee it...AND laughing overly at yourselves in the moment as you catch yourselves doing so, like it's THE funniest, most entertaining thing either of you have ever experienced)...all you'll both care about is the fact that you can NOT TEAR YOUR EYES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER...*meaning* by the time the cue comes to ask for her number, it won't feel embarrassing AT ALL. Which is because you (and she) have already just been through more mutual BUT JOINT thus perfectly comfortable/handle-able embarrassment than anyone could shake a stick at!... so how EASY it'll feel - either of you - when you say, 'Hey, I was just going to catch a coffee, do you want to join me?' / 'Sure!', or, if at the time it's not possible, to then make the counter-suggestion of swapping numbers and one of you giving the other a call (which should be you, really, as the chaser-wooer-catcher of the piece for the first year or so). Because - I again guarantee you - you and she will be *convinced* you knew each other very well in a previous life.
...which, *genetically*, you did!
THEN when you sat around listening to all the posturing (in the case where you hadn't managed to attempt any of the above suggestions), they'd be listening intently to *your* every word. Why? Because no male that merely sh*gs 'a female-any female-she'll do' knows what s*x really *is*. They know only mutual you-know-what (rhymes with castration, funnily enough, LOL...well, it does if you linger after the first 't', anyway). Ber-bom. But not so, you, who is getting experience of *both* sides of that, actually, *single coin*. One-night-stands, or brief flings entered more for just the gratification and experience, and/or getting to (yawn) boast you've lost your cherry or are (yawn) getting loads, whoooooah, ged IN there my son! [rolls eyes], can't even *remotely* compete with what it feels like from both ends (both body and mind together in equal measure). No contest!
So there you go, there's your fairly imminent future all mapped out for you.
I don't pity you at all, actually. I think you're lucky yet still young and inexperienced enough not to realise it or appreciate exactly how and in what ways. You're obviously incredibly sensitive to outside as well as self-created stimulus, highly empathetic (albeit, limited circumstantially to directing it solely toward yourself at the mo.), married with an ability to mull and think very deeply and pretty extensively. That's a widely useful gift if used right.
Start pushing yourself to take li....ttle, tiny risks here and there with coming out of your shell...even just very fleeting, momentary ones, and same for setting yourself little challenges....Baby Steps...and then work upwards. Treat it as a self psychological experiment where you're both scientist and test subject.
You game for giving that a go?
First of all, let me start by saying you don't have to feel sorry for taking a while to respond, took me the same amount of days to reply as well, so that makes us even right?
Secondly, I am not sure, but pretty convinced that my sleeping pattern has more to do with stress. What also doesn't help is that I enjoy the silence and the dark the night brings, so even though my sleeping pattern is off (and it's not the first time it happened, nor the first time I fixed it) sometimes, especially the times I have a lot on my mind, I don't mind the tiredness (had to google if that was a word, sounded too weird, although fatigued is a nicer word) during the day, for the silence and concentration it brings at night (which is probably why, once again, I write this during the night, not because I can't sleep, but because I won't). And don't worry, I know what you're going to say, that I should really go to bed earlier, that I need to be concentrated during the day and all that, and you would be right. The problem (again) isn't my body, but my mind. Which is fairly interesting when you think about it, I'm fully aware of the consequences, yet in my mind they don't seem to outweigh the benefits. Maybe I should have chosen another mayor, then again, probably not, the only mind I like diving into is my own. (I know, selfish me)
Don't worry tho, sooner or later, my mind will be at ease again (for however long that might be) and my sleeping ritual will no longer consist of googling questions that pop into my mind or replying to posts at 2:45.
Oh, and about this being a diary, I think that is the best way to describe it, although it is starting to become a bit more of a story for you than a diary for myself, which is actually kinda nice. It feels more and more like a conversation (about me though, again, selfish me). Although I got really confused by some of your references, I did not get the one about green eggs and ham until I googled (first I thought it was a book you wanted me to read) I guess that's what happens when you're from 2 different countries (Holland, and I'm guessing England).
The way I'm writing this particular reply by the way, is by rereading yours (for like the 3rd time) and replying on anything that catches my attention (and everything that I think of because of something you said, because we at least have to be distracted twice to make it fun)
Fear of success, or fear of failure, which one am I? That's an interesting one, I've given it some thought, my first instinct went to failure, and I'm sticking with it. It might also have to do with fears of growing up (don't we all have that at some point?) but let's not venture down that path just yet, maybe one day. But one thing is bothering me about that question, my fear of opening up. Is it fear of success? No, don't see how. Is it a fear of failure? No, it's a fear of weakness (actually realized that halfway through this sentence). So why is it a fear of weakness? Because I feel like others will ridicule me if I tell them something? No, maybe more I feel like they will judge me in some way (which does explain why this is so easy, even if you were judging me (which I kinda feel like (aka know) you don't) I will never be confronted by it, btw, this was like 3 brackets in one, made for an interesting sentence to type). And maybe not necessarily judge me, but... Let's just give an example, that will make this more clearly I guess.
So I'm not going to explain the whole dutch school system, because that will be too much work and it's complicated as hell, but I'll tell you just what you need to know. I finished my high school and went to college, the way I did this means I'm technically under preforming (my high school level meant I could have gone higher, which I didn't and yet again, dutch school system isn't easy to explain, but I had my reasons, and they were really thought out) which creates one big problem, I'm (just off pure intellect. not dedication, not grade wise, pure intellect) the smartest guy in my class. This creates a couple of other separate problems, which I've found horrible solutions for.
The first one being very simple, the first year was pretty easy for me, I didn't really learn that much new things, didn't really do that much and got some respectable grades. People knew that, so what happens when they have questions? They come to me. Do I ever not know anything? Of course, did they know that in my first year? No, why? Two reasons, bluff and intelligence, a deadly combination. Even if I didn't know, I was a good 70% sure why something was, did I sell it as that? No, I was confident about it, making it look like a 90% correct answer. The fun part? I was pretty much always right (seeing the problem here? And understand, I'm not boasting, or wanting to make them or anyone for that matter feel stupid, it's not at all). And now people are more and more aware that I'm not always 90% certain, but I still end up being right most of the time.
So why did I bluff? For that you have to understand one big thing about the dutch school system, which is not that hard to explain. There are three levels, the first one being the shortest and easiest, allowing people that don't want to be architects or scientists or whatever to have more practical skills for their occupation. The last one is the one I enjoyed, and it is the longest and most difficult. Most people from my class did the first level, and then in college worked their way up to the second one, for me it was the other way around, I did the last level, and "dropped" to the second level in college, why? the easy answer is because I didn't want to become somebody who only did research, I wanted to use my hands just a tad bit more then I would get when I went to university, so I went to college. So again, why did I bluff? Pride, not fear of weakness, but just plain pride.
But to say that is the only reason is a lie, I actually genuinely enjoy helping people, and if I bluff or just guess and explain it confidently, I might not be 100% right, but I'm right enough so they will come to me for help. Now, in this particular case (and this is not THE reason I don't want to be weak, but it's an easy way of explaining things) I can't look weak when I'm in class, because then they wouldn't ask questions anymore? (and believe me, I'm rereading my own thought train because even I think it is the dumbest thing I've heard in a while, and at least the dumbest thing I've written here so far, even though it might have something to do with me not wanting to let people down, getting satisfaction out of helping people and that's all great and all, and I don't want to lose that because I enjoy that etc etc etc)
Funny thing is tho, just as a side note, I'm not thinking about most things I type, I'm just like you, reading that which I've written and only when I've written it (or are about to write it) I think about it. Which creates a lot of interesting thought trains, it really does)
So why don't I open up to people that I don't go to class with? probably some of the same reasons, pride might be a big one, but honestly, I think I might have one idea. It's probably the same reason as why I'm single (single, not virgin) and I'm kinda ahead of myself right now, I did not really thought I would get here as fast as I did. The main reason is probably that I've too much things... I wanted to say I've too much things on my mind and am not stable enough to be in a relationship right now, but the second I wanted to type this, I realized something. I'm also wondering how much it has to do with fear of weakness (stay with me, I don't know where this is going either) maybe it's just a lot simpler, why does it always have to be because of some underlying reason. What if I just simply don't want to with the people I know? Then why do I tell this to you? which, like I said at the beginning of the post, I am. I don't know, it's probably bull what I just said, this whole paragraph probably is, so why leave it in? I don't know, I think it's an interesting thought train, even though it pretty much ended up in the middle of nowhere (let me know, I'm genuinely curious, what did you think of this paragraph)
So what have I been doing in between this paragraph and the last one? googling why someone is guarded, of course I found the rough childhood and the being bullied, which really doesn't apply to me (never really been bullied, maybe teased a bit, but that's about it). No, I found these two reasons that I kinda connect to.
They're embarrassed about their secrets and flaws and are trying to save face by hiding them. This can be a side effect of a lack of social success. They don't want to talk about their weekend because they unwillingly stayed in and played on their computer for the sixth week in a row. They don't want to talk about their dating history because they're 22 and have never been in a relationship. They shy away from telling party stories because they don't have any. If someone is generally unconfident they may think everything about them is boring and strange and shouldn't be revealed.
They're shy and socially anxious and see social situations as more hazardous than they are. They view other people as judgmental, choosy, and mean-spirited. They think sharing their vulnerabilities, or even their taste in music, is a high-risk move and they'll get rejected if they say the wrong thing.
Especially the second one, even something like my taste of music, I don't really share (then again, not having a set type, even when people expect you to have one, and probably don't have one themselves, is really annoying sometimes). The first one reminded me of something that happened yesterday, or actually two things. First of all, one of my roommates is leaving so we had to find a new one (housewarming, being on the other side). Then somebody came in who talked a bit and he reminded me of me quite a bit. And afterwards, when we spoke about him, one of my roommates mentioned how he was shaking quite a bit (I have that too sometimes, on the rare occasions that I share something) and that it felt "fake" or "rehearsed" (thrust me, after 15 times, mine was just as fake and rehearsed) which reminded me of me even more. Then my other roommate asked me what I thought of him, so I told her, he reminded me of me. To which she replied (really, she's a sweet girl, just sometimes a bit blunt/ignorant, but really, sweet girl) that's an insult to you, he was really a big dork (meant well, but I was dead serious, so she called me a big dork just then) and later that evening, we came to the topic of sex, one of my other roommates (nr 3) asked me if I was a virgin (she has been living with us for about 2 months now, it just never came up) so I thought let's be honest, so I said yes. Then roommate number 2 (blunt, but don't judge her) said, but you're not green anymore right? (I didn't know what it meant either, apparently it's french kissing). So me being like, well, I've been honest once, so what the heck, said that yes, I'm still green, to which she kinda giggled (again, she just doesn't always think before she acts, but that's just who she is). Yeah, didn't really help, since me not wanting to look weak, or being afraid to be judged, just said something rather personal and, was judged... Didn't go as planned.
Side note, this all, was written because you asked am I afraid of success or failure, interesting.
Now to the dating part, because I do want to discuss that a little bit (not too much, since it hasn't been my main concern since I started the first post here a few weeks ago, other things kinda surfaced which were a lot more interesting). The biggest problem with most of your advice is that I don't know that many girls, it's a boy heavy mayor (1 girl, and she's not really a girly girl whatsoever) also it's a testosterone heavy mayor (though guy act) and like you said, being of educational age (really nice phrase, gotta remember that one) I'd rather just lay low, that's honestly the better choice right now, I'm not confidant enough anyways, so let's not go there. The best option is the easiest and least effective for now sadly (plus I highly doubt girls would start approaching me if they know I'm a virgin) is just to wait and see what the universe has planned for me, at least until I'm also at a stage in which I don't just want a relationship, but am also ready (not saying it's impossible/wrong to enter a relationship when you have as much on your mind as I do right now) but it's just that the more I talked here, and the more I read your reply, the more I realized, I personally don't think I'm ready, so maybe waiting is the best solution (and for that, I thank you, it might not have had the effect you'd hoped, but it sure was calming). So although I haven't really turned my lemons into lemonade, I have realized not all my lemons are worth carrying with me (not sure about you, but I'm pretty proud of that beautiful metaphor).
Oh, and don't worry about me being/feeling mentally helpless, I'm way too fascinated by the hows and whys to be let down by the why me's (or at least, most of the times). Our school has a therapist, probably the same as a counselor and I should probably go there, but this is much easier (I know, I have to be more bossy with myself, I have to do thing I'd rather not do, that's life, I know). I'm starting to work out again tho, since like 2 weeks (and I say again, but it was never that serious) because first of all that would be a nice one to cross off my worrylist, and secondly, it's quite relaxing (although my legs hurt like hell haha). And I'd like to end this (it's 4:30 and my alarm is set to 7:30, I really need to wrap this up) with you're right, I need to challenge myself, use my deep and extensive thinking for something else for a while (although sadly, ones gifts can often be ones curses). And I'm pretty sure this will not be my last post, as long as you're here to read them.
Well, yes, but stress 'dumbs down' your hormones and how well they interact (or sends them doolally and running amok like toddlers on too many Blue Smarties). So all you're really talking there is 'chicken versus egg'. If you don't have a hormone imbalance normally but are going through stress, you soon will do, and then the resultant imbalance can compound the inability to better deal with stress...in a box in a box, down, round, SPLAT. Trust me - slapping on a bit of cream/gel nightly could transform your whole psyche, including an uppage of confidence and a more 'devil may care' attitude. That and/or Omega 3 pure fish oil capsules (go Google, they're bloody miracle workers in a very short space of time).
What's to judge? You're human so that automatically makes you a Grade A tw*t but with useful and pleasing sides to-boot like everyone else on the planet. LOL That's the only 'judgement' 'needed'. So you were 'judged' before you even opened your mouth, in fact, and now I'm just adding and subtracting to it as I go (so far - 'sincere, with rescuer bent, but a bit lost').
In terms of the operational, you're probably a Night Owl (same here)...which is fine if you can get up late in the morning. Only you can't. So it's not. Unless you can eat a big breakfast so you can siesta during lunch-hour? That would be a clever, stop-gap solution? Put it this way, you can't take two items out without putting two substituting, even makeshift, alternatives in if you want the machine to keep working as well as or even better than before.
(Yep - England.)
Fear of weakness is just a variant of fear of failure. If you're judged over anything, it tends to lead either to approval or disapproval, quiet/secret or audible, and thereby an open gateway or one getting closed to you. So I'm guessing you like to preserve the notion of having options waiting around in case you one day wanted or needed to take them?... and that you're not ready to say goodbye to any options out of denial or showing preference to some other when you don't know who it would be that had missed them (yet), etc., because once you've discovered better whom exactly you are you might find you need them. And yet by then, at that point, they might well have gone for good? In other words, you might be trying to moreover keep your life on-ice - pause the tape - until you've in record time caught up to yourself (because your mind was too busy considering other people's issues and what was behind them to explore your own personality and its place in the immediate environment and wider world, etc.)? That would explain why you don't want to go to bed...the psychological in-tray is too full, too niggling and nagging to allow a sense of relaxation via a sense of 'job done'? It would also explain why you need to 'listen to and look at yourself' (on paper you get to do both) because - that's what you *do* to get to know someone or something, isn't it. In a nutshell, it looks as if the years in which you were supposed to have been getting to know yourself and how you tick - in tandem with other people and with yourself and the world, including knowing which 'place' in 'the machine' you should sit in order to best operate for your own satisfaction as well as the world's - went to someone(s) else, meaning, now that you're in a place/at a point in your life where you're supposed to know yourself in order to know how to please yourself and meet your needs (using the people and things that surround you)...- s*d it, I can do this better and much more easily via an analogy! :
See your childhood and/or teens as the precursor moment to mulling over a complicated menu in a restaurant to see what you fancy eating non-stop for the next however many months. (And obviously you need to eat and need to enjoy what you eat.) But for whatever reason (that you've yet to tell me), you don't really get to read and consider the menu in relation to yourself because you're far too busy trying to help someone else sort out what *they* like and should choose, someone who perhaps should have already known what they typically did/didn't like to eat yet for whatever reasons didn't. Then the waiter (college *and* the university of life...where you are now both physically and psychologically) inevitably comes over to take your order and it's a case of (in your case) having to hide under the table or dash to the loo so that he (presuming such) will have to come back in another 10/20 minutes. Otherwise, if you had to take pot-luck, you might end up hating eating or suffering constant indigestion, etc., and missing out on what could be an otherwise enjoyable day-today experience. Buying yourself much needed time, in other words. Actually pretty common stuff.
And what better environment in which to study thus learn all about yourself better thus grow to like yourself as a package (or work out which bits you like and ignore or change or repress the rest) and project that outwards (confidence) than in the dead of night when everyone and everything is asleep and there are absolutely no distractions?
What with the fact you have to 'perform' now, it doesn't take a genius to work out that you'd need to hold everything and everyone at bay 'until', including yourself and the opportunity to have a better grade of fun than pure self-introspection ("work before play").
Have you ever done the Myers Briggs personality test online? https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test.
That would be a good time-saving shunt forward to 'finding yourself', I imagine. Also, just to eliminate it from the enquiry, try taking the AQ test - http://www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/
- which stands for Autistic Quotient. It's possible you could have a small streak of it but which expresses and affects most in certain environments (particularly crowded and 'constantly happening' ones). But you're probably just a 'late self-explorer/discoverer' like most people these days.
The reason I can tell late self-intimacy is the 'problem' (hurdle, actually) is from things like this: "The way I'm writing this particular reply by the way, is by rereading yours (for like the 3rd time) and replying on anything that catches my attention (and everything that I think of because of something you said, because we at least have to be distracted twice to make it fun)". It's you noting what you're doing as you're doing it and analysing it/yourself and then seeking to identify applications and outcome advantages/usefulnesses. And you do that all the way through every post, which technically you needn't, even if this *was* a blog/diary (albeit, in your case, you *do* need).
It's not pride. You just call it that because it's preferable to 'sense of inadequacy' or 'ignorance' (because you don't like feeling you're lacking what you "shouldn't" nor lacking an important role to play in other people's lives given that you can't be useful as a sociable animal). Tip: WHILE you're bluffing, be secretly studying up or just checking straight afterwards so that the bluffing can't become a lazy, permanent habit to the exclusion of actual knowledge as later down the line could fail you and get you in trouble. Having the right instincts and insight is all very well and good - great, in fact - but, as you progress, life has a habit of knocking your faith in that skill of yours (which is when your store of facts and knowledge comes to the rescue as a temporary bridge). If you want to end up a powerful person (whether actually or only in your own eyes) you need inside knowledge and outside knowledge *both* (two 'brains' are better than one). Or put more simply: if you have TWO tools for any one job then you always have at least one, rather than none, if one malfunctions or jams up.
Anyway, listen, I'm cream crackered and need an early (for me) night so I'll have to press PAUSE for now and finish this tomorrow or Sunday (probably tomorrow). Sorry to be rude but I'm practically starting to dribble over and headbutt my keyboard, LOL.
I've done the two tests, https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/5748f4db15c1c
that's the link to the first one. The second one I scored 24 points, which is more than average but still not incredibly high. I'll be off to bed too in a sec, but the only thing I wanted to say was that you lost me with the whole judged, open/closed gateway stuff in paragraph 4.
I think I've come to the part you described, the inability to deal with stress. Why do I think that? Well, I've never been great at motivating myself to do something, most of the time the reason I start doing something is the pressure created by deadlines. It's a really bad habit, I know, but sadly, it's going worse lately. So I had a report due Sunday and normally somewhere Sunday afternoon I start properly working on it at home (I've already worked on it at school some bit) but this time, I just couldn't. I ended up starting at around 20:00 and I was watching youtube video's at the same time, because that was the only way for me to slightly concentrate (I know, the only way for me to concentrate was to distract myself, that's a new one for me).
I also am working on a project right now for school (I'm the project leader) and that's not going great (not awful, but also not great). That's mostly my fault tho, I am supposed to set deadlines for stuff and plan the moments we're going to work on it, but right now, I can't get myself to do anything. This is also why I've decided that it's time to go and make an appointment with the school psychologist, because for the first time, I'm not just sleeping horribly and thinking about other stuff but schoolwork is also starting to suffer.
Not just that tho, I've also started to be really sarcastic and sometimes just plain rude to people. Most of the things are also extremely uncalled for, for instance the most recent example (today) was that a project member (nice guy, but like I said earlier, I don't really see anybody from my study as a friend) made a comment about a retake on a test he had that morning and how he was pretty sure he failed it. He jokingly said, I'm crying in this and that room if anybody want's to join me (we had agreed to work on the project in about half an hour) and my first reaction (which to my shame I sent) was I don't need to cry, I passed first try.
Another example as to why I've decided to finally see the psychologist, I was just plainly annoying during the project meeting today, I wrote about a paragraph (I wrote more already in half an hour here than I did in 3 hours there) and was just keeping people from working, to the point that at the end a project member (the same as the last paragraph, the one I was keeping from working the most) made a comment about how it's better if I stay home next time, if I feel like I'm going to be annoying. To which I said, then I'm probably going to stay home for the next 2 weeks.
The weird thing tho, and I've got some speculations on the matter (of course I do), is that I think it mostly has to do with me writing this diary, because like I've mentioned in an earlier post and like you mentioned in your last one, is that while I'm writing this I'm learning who I am, in a way I didn't know myself and probably in a way I wasn't ready for. I have thought about this little sentence you wrote "But for whatever reason (that you've yet to tell me), you don't really get to read and consider the menu in relation to yourself because you're far too busy trying to help someone else sort out" and out of that, the most important thing "that you've yet to tell me" because to be honest, I've yet to tell myself that very same thing. I don't know, I think you're right, maybe I do, something just popped into my head, just bear with me.
Maybe, one of the biggest reasons I don't know myself that well, is simply because I've felt alone for the longest time, not in a I need people kind of way (I scored 95% introversion, I knew it was high, and that it's not the best test in the world, but that number shocked me) Or that it is a big part of my life and I've only recently even learned what being an introvert really means. That it's not just being shy, but it's actually far more complicated than that, it's not just a personality thing, it's a how does my brain react to stimulants from the outside. Never realizing how something that important really was, something which is, like I said, a big part of my life, of my being, of who I am. Because let me remind you something I realized in the first post, the time I first wrote how it all started with the orange incident and then realized it wasn't, it was months earlier, the introversion realization. So that was the point, that maybe I subconsciously realized I don't know myself that well, the first moment I realized I'm not alone (which I said in an earlier post, we sometimes just don't think about).
And maybe, since I'm just throwing ideas out here, it also had to do with another important reason, I have always been the guarded, quiet kid, who was jealous of the other kids who did find it easy to talk to people, to do things, maybe you're wrong on a small thing (to use your analogy) maybe I wasn't trying to help others decide what they wanted (because I was not that kind of kid/teenager) maybe I've just been looking at what other people were ordering and being jealous I couldn't order that and forgot to see what I COULD order, does that make sense? I think it does.
Something that I've been wondering for a while now and felt especially more obvious by you describing and realizing my late self-intimacy in a way I couldn't see (and to be honest still can't see (and that's bumming me out quite a bit)). Are you specialized in psychology or something like that? The way you described things, the way you went from advice to reflection and guiding my own self reflection, made me think about that (has nothing to do with something whatsoever but I like taking a side route once or twice)
This also makes me think about something, I have conversations with myself, like I said in an earlier post. Does this tie up in here anywhere? Also the way I write some of this, with the sarcasm, self reflection, stupid comments are for 2 (more? maybe it also has to do with self-intimacy, I don't know) reasons, the first one being the simple one. If I write in a self reflecting way I hopefully (and by now I want to say successfully) avoid the advice, but steer it more towards the reflection, because like I've said (and done) many time before, I think about a lot of stuff, not just the simple why is this happening to me, but the sometimes deeper (hopefully) meaning behind things.
The second one is a bit more complicated, but not that hard to explain, this one has to do with avoiding sympathy in a way I don't want sympathy (I feel like I have to explain stuff less and less to you, which is nice) because I don't advance/get better by getting sympathy, I need the discussion about my reflections, the holes in my theories, the points of views I've missed, but mostly (because most of the stuff before this was the first reason again) it is my way to feel less insecure about this, about me, it is my way of dealing with things, in a way distracting people from going in too deep, from thinking I'm depressed (because in my own mind, it sound pretty depressed without the self-reflection, sarcasm and the unnecessary side tracks) I hope this makes sense, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, because I don't think you're wrong, but you reflect on the things I write and the meaning you might see behind them, I reflect on the things I don't write, on the reasons why I write what I write, why I formulate certain sentences (because I spend about 2-3 hours on each post, it has nothing to do with the language barrier) I write them in a very particular way, the way I feel like will create the most reflection and the least pity, the way I can open up about myself while still keeping things to myself.
And we've arrived here for what I think is probably the end for now (but we never know, I didn't think I was going to write this until about 20 seconds ago) I realize what you mean, with the whole self intimacy thing, I was writing about me being honest with myself, to see where it went and quickly realized it went nowhere, but then I glanced at my other monitor (where I can read your post) and it hit me. More often than not, it's me reflecting the things I write, the brackets are often my conscious thinking (often, not always (oh the irony)) and the rest is a bit more my subconsciously typing (I mostly don't think about what I type, more on how to spell certain words) and that's what you meant right? It's me reflecting on what I've not just written, but also learned about myself. Although to be honest, some of them are just for fun, I kinda started to enjoy writing and using these techniques has become my writing style as well (partly), but still, I kinda like adding the fun and weird side tracks (that's also just how my brain works) but it is also a lot of the time me reflecting, not just my technique.
Yes, I understand perfectly everything you say (including about the parentheses), and you've basically 'got' what I've said back, but, no, I can't possibly say what I am or am not on here, sorry (and if you give it a full chain of thought, all the way to consequences, it'll occur to you why).
The upshot is, your learned coping/defense method is to isolate yourself from people/situations that upset you or make you feel negative, even inadvertently. (And that is quite Aspie-like, even if that's your one and only (no doubt inherited) strain.) But the down-side is, it leaves you desperate for 'intimate' interaction as well as feedback and stimulation. This is why the majority of Aspies love- nay, NEED forums.
You're definitely a survivor, though, shown by the fact you've very sensibly decided to seek out your college psychologist. After all, one doesn't have to be mentally or emotionally ill, you can just keen to find out more precisely how you tick from someone who's read all of what are basically human User Manuals (which, frankly, I think should be mandatory reading at school....don't get me started). After all, think about how toddlers think VCR/DVD slots are for shoving bananas into; quite a few grown-ups do that (to their own systems)...and then sit there wondering why they don't work properly. So that's an enormously canny idea that might well be the making of you in terms of an enormous leg-up, social confidence/preferences wise.
Alternatively, you might be a natural-born writer, one that's subconsciously sequestered yourself in order THAT you'll finally, with the help of a sense of suffering reaching a peak, finally begin practising your craft? In a writer's case, isolation to a certain high degree can be an imperative tool, rather than some handicap. After all, if you read your posts back to yourself but where you deliberately ignore the parentheses, it does sound quite book-like.
The key is writing about what you know first-hand...and here you are, a certain type of fish, plonked into the wrong pond and feeling the effects as is FAR more common a feeling than you realise, especially among your age-group, yet not something readily admitted to.
All you need do IS pour out your inner feelings in relation to all the situations you have to deal with, then put it into some sort of semblance of order, then edit out the 'unnecessaries' and - voila - publishable book with an enormous market. What would the title be? Things that come to mind for me are: (from The Ancient Mariner) 'Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink'; (Wordsworth) 'I wandered lonely as a cloud'. So what about, 'People, people everywhere, but not a lot to think', or, 'I wandered lonely in a crowd'. Or, if you wanted a 'puller' (thinking, students = s*x-mad, lol) - 'Wrong Hole!' (mwa-ha!).
So what do you think? Could this so-called handicap actually be a blessing in disguise and a necessary proving ground for finally getting your finger (or in your case, pen) out of your a*se? Once you'd FOUND your place, the trappings, like likeminded people you *do* feel perfectly comfortable with and around, would immediately follow suit.
Plan, Stan? Because if you're not a natural-born writer then my name's Pope Francis. Frankly. (Francis/Frank-ly - ha-ha, see what I did there?)
(PS: Sorry your thread went for a Burton for a wee while - technical glitch, the 'automatic pilot' apparently spotted some key 'spam words' and shut you down.)