Married 6 years, feeling used :(
I am currently a stay at home mom, previously a part time working mom, before that a full time working adult. My kids are 5 and 3. My husband and I have been on and off the rocks again. My main problem is I do not feel supported emotionally. My husband works long hours, around 50 hours a week, so I never feel right In asking him to help with the kids or to do anything around the house. Now that I am at home full time I guess I feel like that's how I earn my keep, so to speak.
That being said, we have recently relocated for his job, which was a pay raise and I believe good for our family, but it also meant moving away from his family and to a place where we know no one. Since we have had kids I have been the caregiver, he never once had to get up with a crying baby or get up in the morning with them. I did it. After my 2nd was born I stopped working because he didn't feel like he could handle watching both of them in the evening and get up for work the next day. What I am getting at, is I feel to support him in his job I took the brunt of baby rearing so he could focus on his work. Then again, to support him I agreed to move, where I have no support system at all. Any time he was stressed about work or needed a shoulder to cry on I was there. I felt he made the money, he paid for everything, so I did all the dirty work of baby raising, house work, appointment making, bill paying and budget making, yard work etc.
Now that my kids are getting older I have had more time to focus on me, something I have not done in literally years. I recently signed up for an intense fitness program figuring I could go to 5 am classes and this should not effect my husband since the kids should still be asleep when I get home and he would still be able to leave for work on time. The problem came when I asked my husband if he would be willing to get up at 930am and watch the kids for an hour so I could go to a 10 am class. This way I could sleep in until 7am, the normal time my kids get up. Now he is telling me I am selfish and any person would be mad if their spouse asked them on their day off to get up early so they can go do a class. My husband has to get up around 5-6am 5 days a week for work and has two days to sleep in. I figured since he was normally up at 930 anyways it wouldn't be a big deal. But he was really pissed.
In my head I am hurt and feeling basically betrayed. Here I have spent years supporting him, not to mention 2.5 years of babies and breast feeding never getting more then 3 hours of sleep in a row, so he could focus on work and get the rest he needed. I have rarely asked for anything of him. Lately I have started to ask him if he could watch the kids for a half hour so I can go for a run etc. get my hair done, maybe run down and get a manicure while the littlest one is napping. And more and more I have been met with anger. Am I asking too much? Am I being selfish? If I want to go to the grocery store with one kid on his day off am I being selfish? Spoiled? I know I am lucky to be in the financial stituation we are in. I normally go a year with out getting a hair cut/color because I don't want to ask him to babysit. Im not saying I'm perfect. I have grown cold towards him the past two years because I feel resentment towards him, like he doesn't appreciate anything g I do or have done. And whenever I have tried to communicate in the past how I have felt it has ended in him calling me a spoiled a princess and telling me to get over it and stop acting but hey. I have become very isolated from any friends and do not feel comfortable talking to family about any of this. Am I crazy? Am I acting selfish?
No, you're not acting selfish, rather your husband is. Any decent caring man would know that parenthood is a shared responsibility, regardless of career and of hours worked. The fact is that you shouldn't need to ask your husband for help with the kids because it should be a given. Just because he earns the money doesn't mean that he can dictate the terms of your marriage, nor should you think this and feel that you don't have a right to ask him for help.
If you have been there for him in his times of need and know he denies you some well earned 'me' space, then he is being self centred. If your marriage is rocky, then there's only so much of the one way street your relationship has become that you will be able to put up with. You need to sit him down and discuss the issue with him and if he refuses to listen to you, then you have a choice of doing the best with what you have or looking at ending your marriage and looking elsewhere where you will be respected.
Agree with MANALONE-Be firm and refresh his memory of how "supportive" you've been. Also being a full time mom is hard work as well-when do you get a day off? Don't ask can he watch his own children- TELL HIM- if he gets pissed OH WELL!!
Stop the Am I asking too much?Am I being selfish- you're being taken for granted- You really go a year with getting a hair cut because you're afraid to ask him to watch is own kids!!!
You said "Now that I'm home full time" that's how I earn my keep, so to speak" Have you always had this mine set?
Now is the time to stand up for yourself, you need a decide if this is the life/marriage/relationship YOU WANT!! Discuss in detail how you feel and what has to change -BE FIRM Don't back down or give in-
Go to your 9:30 class, leave both children when you go shopping, no more Can you watch the kids? It's I'm going now be back soon- then GO!!
Dads don't "babysit" their own kids. Where did he get that kind of mind-set?
He clearly has separated his life into his work and nothing else, except getting ready for his work.
Id like to suggest that perhaps you helped to build this guilded cage you live in, and he has absolutely no idea how to father or share in what goes on in the home.
Marital counseling is in order ASAP. Those kids are going to be gone some day and you are going to turn around and look at each other and see strangers in a strange house.
These confirm what I have been feeling. I think I have let myself become so isolated that I let him dictate to me what I was feeling. He is for sure not a bad father and spends time playing with the kids etc., has taken them, but it seems like only when I'm at my wits end and only very infrequently. I started to believe him when he said I was being selfish.
And I definitely contributed to my guilded cage by letting it go on and happen, keeping my mouth shut, and just doing everything. I do want my marriage to work and I hope things can change with him, but I have sat down and tried to express all this to him and he always turns it around on me saying I am being selfish asking him to do these things while he works so much and I should feel lucky and any women would feel lucky to be in my situation, getting to spend time with my kids and stay home. That it's just part of me that I can't let myself be happy.
In my head I think no I am trying to do things to make myself happy and feel fulfilled, but according to him it's not his responsibility and he shouldn't be blamed for my unhappiness. While I agree, if me needing him to help with kids so I can pursue things that make me happy, it's not me blaming him saying he is responsible, it's me trying to take action on my own life and him stopping me. Thank you all for making me feel sane and verified.
Your husband is threatened that you want to expand your role outside the house, so he puts up barriers or discounts your feelings. Then he refuses to be supportive by being with the kids so you can explore the outside world. Poor guy, his world is turning upside down! LOL.
So - this is not about him watching the kids, it's about him losing control of how he thinks yours and his life should be - because it has worked for so many years before. He refuses to be blamed for anything, much less your unhappiness. But really, you are speaking second year Chinese to him. He's just not "getting it."
The kids thing is solvable. Do you use babysitters or nannies? (some couples don't) Trade sitting with a neighbor? Daycare? Grandparents?
Husband's attitude? Professional counseling is in order. (preferably a male counselor who likes and respects women)
This is the conclusion I have come to as well !! We live apart from any family since the move and I'm not very comfortable having someone I don't know, like a paid for baby sitter watch the kids
plus I would feel guilty spending the money on one so I could go to the gym for an hour or get my hair done. Though I do see your point! I agree counseling is in order. He has become much more supportive and he apologized for his original reaction. I think it was a knee jerk response and he is freaking out. I'm not saying it's right or that I will be willing to put up with constantly sacrificing myself. He needs to step up and I know he can, I mean I only trust him with the kids besides myself. He just needs to learn I am a priority too and I also need to learn that
and that our roles can change in marriage, how we function and that's okay. thank you sincerely for the advice.
Hey guys I'm back again and once again hurt
I ended up just doing all 5 am classes. I liked having the quiet time in the morning before the kids got up and honestly didn't want to deal with whatever attitude my husband might have given me. Which I guess wasn't really giving him the chance to prove me wrong.
I have been really excited about this new program and therefore wanting to share it with my husband, talk about it. Haven't felt so alive and happy in a long time. As I was talking to my husband Saturday he stopped me and said, " I don't want to be an asshole and I really want to support you In This and I do, but your talking about it, it's obnoxious"
I literally felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It just hurt. Here I thought I was sharing something with my husband, communicating, and he was just thinking I was annoying. Not only that but I had really been going out of my way to be sweeter, more affectionate, etc. He saw how hurt I was and said "I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean, but it's just too much you know? If we need to just set aside a time so you can tell me about it at once maybe we can do that?" At that point I was just so hurt and mad I could barley see straight. Here I have spent all this time listening to him talk about work and other things I sure wasn't interested in, but he was happy and interested, so he could be happy, and he couldn't listen for freaking less then a week?!!
We were literally getting ready to go out the door with the kids to a fun event, he tried to talk to me about it again, and I said I just want to go and I'll deal with it. With the kids being so happy all day spending time with us and him being engaged with the family the anger melted away. But the hurt still sticks with me. It feels like he knew I was happy and just had to bring me down a notch or something?
Then this morning I couldn't go to my 5 am class because he had work at 5 am. Or so I thought. I woke up thinking his alarm was messed up shaking him awake saying babe it's 5! You have work!. To this he replied, "oh im going in at 6am" we had agreed after work he would come home and watch the kids that night before hand. So he assumed it wouldn't matter he changed his work time. He ended up not leaving the house until 615, I could have gone to my 5 am work out. I texted him and said if your going in later let me know so I can go to the earlier work out since I like it. Once he got home this evening first words out of his mouth to me were, " hey thanks sweety for sending me a shitty text message first thing in the morning when you already know I have big day." (He had a business walk)I had ended up going to the 9am class with both kids, and texted so he knew he wouldn't have to watch kids when he got home. He didn't say thank you about that. Just that crappy mean spirited comment. I said do you not get what I was trying to say just let me know soi have the option to go. His response was, would it really have made a difference? I said i would watch the kids at night? How about you not getting I had a big stressful day ahead of me and being shitty? That's my point!
My response was how about a thank you for going to the 9 am class because I knew you had a big day and didn't want it to stress you out! To which he replied to just get out and go away.....
Am I losing it here or is this man an a-hole who only cares about himself? If I'm wrong please let me know, I'd like some perspectives on this.
Yep, your husband is self centred and selfish and doesn't know how to share the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. He doesn't understand that we all have stressful days and that it's easier to cope with it all if we have support from our loved ones, even if it's just a short 'thinking of you' conveyed by whatever means.
However, it's our actions which speak the loudest in everything we do and you need to look at your husband's actions. They tell you where you stand with him and what sort of a guy he is. You either look at his work and career and ask yourself if he's coping with it and if it's changed him or you take your thoughts way back when you met him and were first getting to know him because the traits he's showing now are all him and him alone.
If we all learned to choose a partner who mirrored our values and standards, our lives would be so much smoother. While you are basically doing the right thing by your husband, he just goes on his merry way, doing what he has to do to survive in his own little world. It's a world that excludes your happiness and it's a world that disrespects you as a wife and a mother and your input into your marriage together.
Your husband needs to understand that it's all OK to be married but marriage takes constant effort from both parties for it to succeed and a big part of that effort is communication and sharing everything together. A marriage breaks down fast when one continues to try and make it work by thinking of their partner, while the other just stops and doesn't give a damn about the sacrifices we all make to keep our loved ones happy and healthy.
If I look back at the beginning of our relationship there was way more thoughtfulness towards caring for me and sharing the load. What I loved about him was his honesty (I trusted him not to lie and cheat and still do), and that he loved to things and worked hard.
Things changed right away literally within the first night my son was born, or so it seemed. If I really look back on it I can see me taking on more once we moved I together. I would do a load of laundry and do some for him, it turned from us cooking together to me doing all of them all the dishes. Once I had our first child is when it became really apparent I was alone in most duties. He changed diapers and two nights a week I worked and had the baby. So he was for sure capable. But I would come home and the house would be trashed and I'd have to clean everything in the morning.
I think where I'm having trouble is I trust in regards to I do not believe he would ever cheat on me, but with every other kind of support I feel completely let down and alone. So is it enough that I break our family apart because he doesn't do jack diddly squat at home and I feel used. I also don't want to bring it up because we have had the argument so many times and it always turns into him yell,"so I have to work 50 hours a week and do everything here! Fine you just get everything you want have it all about you." Supposedly I have no idea what it means to be an adult and work hard.
I feel like he will never see my side of and like he doesn't respect me at all. And I don't know if I can stick it out for the kids, but I want to, they love their dad so much and it would break their hearts to not see him every day. I just feel so lost with this situation .