Hello, I have been married for almost 5 years but been together with man for about 10. I have a teenage daughter from my first husband that passed away, she was seven years old when we first started dating. I do love him and I know that he loves me, but my problem is as she gets older and yes she is a typical teen, I hate the way he talks to her. He makes me feel like she is an inconvenience and is always on her about something. Please don't misunderstand I know she needs direction and diesoline, I have no problem with that, but his words are so hurtful sometimes. And when trying to talk to him about it, he says "whatever I say doesn't matter you are going to do what you or she wants" That is not true. And sometime I think there is no reasoning with him, because he will not admit when he is wrong or even might have handled it differently.
She will be going to college in two more years, and I think he will be perfectly happy then. She hates him and he really dislikes her, but I love them both so much, I just don't know what to do!!!!! I just want them to have a good relationship.
Don't give up. Keep talking to him. You have to let him know what he's doing to you and to your daughter. If you have to record what he says so he can listen to how he's talking to her too. If you have to... Talk to someone, a professional counselor, a minister, someone. Life is to short for family conflicts to carry on like yours.
I know you're under a lot of stress from this issue. Stay strong and keep that communication channel open with your daughter.
OLDGUY-thank you so much for your input, it already makes me feel better just saying in out loud or on paper--because as far as the rest of the family thinks we are perfect, no family is perfect, is it wrong for me to want everything to be sunshine and daises (his wording). But I think it is possible. Maybe I am making it more personal than need be. But I will continue to try to talk to him
'fathering' is a difficult task. Mom's are kisses and chocolate chip cookies, Dad's sometimes have to be the "NO" guy and the boundary setter. Men discipline children differently from women, for sure. The fact that he's a step dad complicates things even more.
As long as he is not abusive - in action or in words - he may just be stern or more directive than you and you think that's harsh. So does your daughter, since it's not like mom's type of discipline. Maybe you have had the job of being the major parent in her life, too, and she's not used to taking directions from a man.
Plus, this is the time when she needs to separate herself from him, so she can have relationships with other young men. (pretty deep psychological stuff).
Ask someone who has witnessed the interaction and see if this acting within those boundaries, or it's more than that - in which case, you should be concerned.
Family counseling could help, too, with a counselor who specializes in blended families.
The case of the step dad loving the mom and hating the kids is not uncommon. He doesn't have kids of his own right?
For some people, they cannot connect with kids/teens because in their mind the kid/teen "should" behave a certain way, always. To some people the kids/teens are a burden.
You need to be very careful here. The father is the first male relationship girls have, so if it's not a good one, she'll be looking for a "good man" for a long time! Her teen years are the most important molding years because once she's out in the world, you have no more control. So, keep smothering her with love and redirection.
Would he agree to parenting classes? Would he agree to the two of you talking to each other first, deciding on the discipline or redirection and THEN allowing him to deal it out to her, when he's calm? Would he agree to not redirect her at all when he is feeling frustrated?
Does she have a smart mouth to him? If so, don't let her get away with that either. Make her apologize to him and remind her to mind her elders.
You're in a very tough spot and you may need someone to talk to yourself first, before even getting him help.
Best of luck to you and your family.