Marriage in crises
Describing my marriage issue in full would literally take pages and pages. There is a lot of background that just can't be explained in this format. My husband and I have been married for 15 1/2 years. The last 7 or so have been some good times and a lot of bad times. Right now my husband won't hardly speak to me. It's almost like he hates me. He shows such disdain and disgust. He says he has no feelings for me because he says i am not committed to fulfilling his number 1 need--sexual. For me to please him like he wants, I would have to either get breast augmentation, dress sexier at work (shorter skirts/show cleavage) and try to catch my boss's attention and report to him what happens, indulge his sexual fantasies such as pretending i'm intimate with my boss. There's actually more, but I'll save you from the details. I am a Christian, and I don't feel comfortable doing these things. He just calls me a prude and says we're incompatible.
I guess now would be a good time to explain that my husband was addicted to porn our entire marriage and before. When he admitted that to me about 6 months ago, it really answered a lot of questions as to why we were struggling as we were. But he wanted to stop and agreed to get a filter on our computer and his phone. But even then, he didn't act very sorry about what it did to me or how it made me feel. It was just like he knew he shouldn't and should probably get the filter. I think he also was not confident that it would work, because he had tried multiple times before.
I could go on and on. I guess my question is for some advice. He won't go to counseling with me. He won't read a marriage book together with me. He says basically our marriage will not work unless I do things like he wants. I know he is currently getting some porn emails that he won't block. And he told me it was none of my business how he was getting sexually satisfied at the moment. I know it's not from me, although that's not my choice. I am all for making some changes in the intimate category. I know I haven't put a great emphasis on that in the past. Do I separate from him? Seek counsel for myself (he says he'll leave me if I tell anyone about our problem)? I am so broken and emotionally empty. I don't even have any fumes left in the emotional gas tank. I want to stay married, but I am continually getting rejected and emotionally abused. (he called me a piece of crap the other day).
I read your story and had to do a double take. i had the same exact problem in my marriage. i came frim a very strict religious family and we just didnt open up about sexual things so when i got married it was hard to be sexual. i just saw it as more dirty and something to be kept in the dark and definitely not talked about.
naturally my husband became disinterested and turned to porn. i caught him 4 years into marriage. make sure you check hus internet history it could confirm like it did for me.
i confronted him and he said it was only occassionally and it was bc i was boring and didnt like sex.
i started to pray and get more kniwlegable about how guys think by going to forums on the internet. needless to say there was a lot to learn.
we had many long talks the next few months and i found out he also had problems with my body and my performance in bed.
so i went the opposite direction completely. it was hard at first but i became what he wanted. i learned things to do for him, i learned to be a lover, and i flat out told him one day, get your coat on we are going to the doctor. i let him pick out my breast shape and size and in 2 weeks i was that girl he wanted. i thought i would hate him for a long time, but it broke him and he worshipped me after that.
we have the best marriage i could have possibly dreamed of now 2 years later. he loves that i love him and would do anything for him. i love my new body and my new approach and outlook on sex now. it is so exciting and fun to be with him.
he rubs my shoulders and carresses my breasts every night now. he stopped looking at porn. he listens to me.
i got my husband back.
my advice is to try to move towards what he wants and if he is still into porn or not listening to you or berating you then you have to ask him to leave. but do you part as the lover he thought he was marrying. guys are going to get their fix and its either going to be with their wife or someone or something else.
i would tell him you cant be intimant with guys at work, but the other stuff. what s wrong w a little but of cleavage or a shorter skirt once in a while. and breast implants are so common these days its like your in the minirity if you dont have them. i was a b and went to a full C. no one noticed but i feel much better about being naked around my husband and i love him watching me. it was a life changer.
anyways id say if you dont take strides towards his wants he wont respond to you so try something. let me know how it turns out.
I appreciate your telling me your story. It does sound somewhat similar. I'm all for trying to spice things up.I actually want to in a healthy way. But all the things I have read on porn addiction and what it does to the male mind, he is disinterested in me due to that addiction. He has been addicted to that ultimate rush feeling for so long that I can't compete with that. He wants me to act and be like that porn star he's been watching. And I'm sorry, but I think I would resent his worshiping me if I got implants. If he can't love me like I am, his love is conditional.I'm more emotionally hurt by that part of it. I'm not good enough for him. He has to have things a certain way to be happy.I have to act like someone different to make him happy. And I have tried to dress more like he likes and do things like he wants intimately. I have also suggested letting us go out and me dress that way for him and not trying to dress that way at work. I go to church with my boss for crying out loud. I do not feel comfortable trying to dress in a way to catch my boss's attention. And then comment to him about what I notice about my boss's attention. It's like I'm a piece of meat. I am there to work, not create some porn-like fantasy. I guess I am displaying more anger at this point. I do really want to try to be a better lover. I just don't think I should have to alter my body or act like a whore. I don't want to have surgery and we can't afford it either. We are thousands in debt. If my body and how I look are so important to the point that he would leave me because I won't comply with his wishes, what assurance do I have if I am in a car wreck and my physical appearance be affected, that he wouldn't leave me bc he doesn't like the way I look. I feel no love. And I think it's a result of porn. He brought that with him into the marriage. He didn't seek that out because of the marriage problems. So complicated.
I see more where you are coming from now. you have a lot of hurt that has turned to anger and you arent about to subject yourself to his wishes. And you can also say goodbye to your marriage with that attitude. he will be gone soon. he not only admiited he was addicted to porn but he gave it up and you are still punishing him. the time he needs you the most you have turned your back on him. i get your hangups but you arent even in try mode. you blame his porn and say he shouldnt want that. honey all guys porn or not have fantasies, wishes in bed, wishes for their wives bodies. with this attitude of resentment towards him having certain desires he will find something else. you are pushing him away.
i would ask him to stop asking you to "whore" yourself out to the boss. i agree with you on that. but there is no harm in private roleplay at home. lots of guys, my husband included, have the secretary/boss fantasy.
you can still be sexy at work though to a degree. how exactly does he want you to dress? bulging out cleavage, a few inches, a peak? im sure he understands you cant show more than a couple inches at work so if he wants more thats just unrealistic.
you also play the victim card quite well. if you got in a car accident is a little extreme. every marriage would struggle in that scenario. i sure he wouldnt leave you, he hasnt left you yet. youre just not looking at the situation at all through his eyes. you have been married 15 years so you probably arent the perky self you used to be. with the technology today breast implants can keep marriages ultra spicy longer than ever. u can afford whatever you want to afford. is your marriage worth it? from your perspective the answer is not no it is absolutely not.
If you keep on insisting the sexual aspect of your marriage will be on your terms, (dress sexy when you want, have fantasies that you want, no improvements to your 40 year old body) then its no wonder he is frustrated. and he dropped porn for you with nothing in return. he showed you his love and commitment and you showed him a closed off lover. "He only wants this because he was into porn" will kill your marriage. you are not open at all to his desires. if this is what you have decided you dont have a marriage worth being in and he knows it.
you have a husband who gave up porn for the marriage sake and maybe for conscience too and you can not give yourself over to this guy?
ok so some things might be out of your comfort zone. How do you think he is doing after years of porn and he just quit and now you berate him still for having a perverted mind? If my X would have given up porn I would have done anything for him, especially knowing he gave it up for me.
he wants you to get a boob job so he can look at you with admiration and excitement and you are hung up on his acceptance of your 40 year old body? Just Because a guy loves a girl doesn't mean he likes her body. What kind of world are you living in? Do you want him to lie?
I agree with Tammy if you are going to keep saying you are like this because of porn then you have no hope. Guys are sexual beings. They aren't going to live in the cage you try to make them stay in.
I am guessing he is staying because he is a good Christian or for the kids. I would not hold it against him if he left.
And even a Christian wife is supposed to be her husbands porn star. Sorry but you dropped the ball on this. Hope it is not too late.
After 15 years of marriage you should know this is who he, a selfish,sick, insensitive porn addicted man who has no intention of changing. I say he's sick because of his suggestion that you seduce your boss and report details back to him (really??)
live your life based on your morals and conviction. You asked should you separate? Yes-
for once in your life take control and decide WHAT YOU WANT AND NEED IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY IN YOUR LIFE. being married to a porn addicted man is not what you ever want (you've been there done that).
How you live the rest of your life is up to YOU and no one else :)
I cannot get over some of the comments above. Sex and porn addiction need help. And porn is not a true representation of what sex, pleasure, and true intimacy is. I'm not saying it's this pretty romantic thing at all, just most porn I Garuntee the women in them are not actually enjoying it sexually. What about your needs in the bedroom
? Is he meeting them? I say if he is willing to meet what you need to get your satisfaction then you can bend to meet his ( with in what would not compromise your values I.e. Sleeping with another man). I'm talking abut things you mentioned, dressing sexier for him etc. a marriage isn't about pleasing just one person and it sounds like he has been off the beaten path thinking porn is what sex is, when it's not, it's a staged production in which all the participants are acting! If he is verbally abusing you, you feel hurt, he won't go to counseling (again marriage isn't just about pleasing the husband sexually), and has a serious porn problem, I would leave. I really don't have a problem with my husband watching porn, again his isn't excessive, and sometimes I do too, I wouldn't say it means we don't love each other or find each other not sexy, just you know your human and it is attractive to watch, with in a healthy limit. If it's to a point where you aren't having sex with each other because of it, then there is a problem. Marriage is long and it has it ups and downs, and it takes a lot of freaking work. If I was in your situation, the things he is asking you to do, if it doesn't turn YOU on and completely violates what your comfortable with, and he can't respect that and love you anyway (you know what you do for him, what love and marriage really is) then leave him. Don't become a Barbie doll porn star for him if it doesnt turn you on and make you happy. What kind of life is that? One just to please him? What pleases you?
Delanie, I have to agree with Linneyfye. Unfortunately your husband is acting like a spoiled child who is not getting his way. I am sure that since u all have been together for 15 years you have tried talking to him and letting him know ur limits. One thing u do not want to do is change who u r, what u believe, and what u are comfortable with. The fact that he wants u to basically seduce ur boss and brother in Christ is horrible and could cost u ur job, and then u all will really have to evaluate ur finances. He married u for u and vice versa. I know he has told u that he has a porn addiction, but this could be his excuse to fulfill fantasies with u and possibly other women since now he has told you that he has an illness. I understand spicing it up in the bedroom sometimes, but u definitely do not want to give in completely to his desires because they more than likely will become more and more uncomfortable for u. Divorce would not b what i would want for anyone, but sometimes it is necessary for comfort and peace. Please do not listen to a few of the above comments, as you will be miserable.
I'm a man and I've started watching porn because I'm being denied sex and I'm going crazy, but your husband is asking u to do something that's far out there. He's taking things to far. Tell him to kiss your ass and keep it moving. He's sick!
I can't get over the first two responses either! Delanie, please accept my apologies on behalf of my 'absent' self and this forum, and "mwa!", "mwa!", "mwa!" and "mwa!" to SK, LF, Q and BLOL for wading in and saving the day and reputation (phew)!...assuming you opted for email alerts thus will even get to see these latest responses?
You're not the one who's broken and emotionally empty, here. He is. And there is nothing wrong with your attitude or thinking if we use good core morals and accepted sense of propriety as our yardstick (what else is there!). Plus, you don't have to be a Christian to find his sickness and its symptoms anathama. But yes, you ARE with an highly- HIGHLY dysfunctional, SPOILT BABY BULLY, who just happens ALSO to be too heavily into porn and porn thinking, whom, thereby, is hugely incompatible with someone of good breeding and rearing, senses and sensibilities like your good self. In short, he has a serious yet curable stoop yet would rather not deal with it and instead hold out for you to bend over double to accommodate his disability and S*D what it'd do to your own back.
Frankly, he needs another type of woman entirely, namely a doormat who is prepared to abandon her principles and her intrinsic self at the threshold of a relationship if that's what it takes not to be alone/single ("thus miserable"...pff). Or a psychiatrist.
Oh, and when someone says anything remotely like, 'Well, I'll TRY it but I doubt it'll work' then you know darn well that they're already setting the scene for failure because they WANT to fail, hence are trying to create an expectation in you for a failed outcome so that (drip-drip-drip) you'll react less negatively and self-decisively once it finally arrives. So that 'decision' of his was clearly just hot-air ollocks of a fob-off (which explains why the attitude didn't align with the seeming act).
News for the first two posters: When you're genuinely in-love with someone and capable of loving in a healthy, normal way then they literally could have two heads and it would be beyond the capability of any such human NOT to attribute their strength of feelings to that in a positive way, a la, 'And ANOTHER reason why I'm so very into her is because she doesn't just have two beautiful, Brown eyes, but FOUR - AREN'T *I* LUCKY?! :-)'.
I mean, I'm sure I could feel love for a SERIAL KILLER if I joined him in brainwashing myself and bent over backwards enough! Or I could if (cough) I felt trapped and (my misperception) without any other options than remaining disturbed and miserable or tolerating being single for a while/who knows how long. (Actually, *I* couldn't, but you get my drift.) It's called Stockholm Syndrome and it comprises a whole spectrum, not just the known extent of Patti Hurst. Desperation is the key.
If only 6 years ago, i.e. TEN WHOLE YEARS IN, was when he finally admitted he had a sick addiction then basically YOU WOZ CONNED, LUV!...until (his perception) came the time when it was too late for you to have any easy time in garnering the mettle to exit the contract in the face of such a painful emotional wrench. (Believe you me, in this sort of case you'll very quickly feel surprisingly *far* more relieved and carefree than you will bereft! So don't let fear combined with running-rife imagination put you off.)
So it isn't too late. You've given it ***more*** than a good innings, *too much* more than it deserved, all repulsive things considered. COURSE he won't go to counselling with you; if he did that, he might HAVE TO CHANGE, n'est pas!... which in his case means, apply determination and self-discipline to regain his mental-emotional health in order to cease being an anti-social member of that society of two, over continuing to self-gratify with no-one around (so he thinks) to stop him.... which is a bit like asking a wheelchair-bound quadraplegic to massage some life into his own legs (i.e. someone else would have to do it for him, someone who can clock off, I hasten to add!).
Life will stop him. It always does. You, however, don't need nor deserve to go down with him.
Oh, and by the way - if/when he asks why a divorce petition has landed on his mat, tell him it's "- how does it go?...oh, yes! - " ...NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.
PS: You're not married. Marriage happens in the heart and mind whereas today's legal component is a latterday accompanying mechanism for financially protecting the welfare of any likely offspring, aka a societal/public order measure. Because, even leaving porn per se aside, that kind of insidiously intrinsic, relationship-wide attitude of his is not what a marriage is supposed to be or entail, and, more to the point, you were led and encouraged to say I Do under completely false pretences. So I'd have thought that in the eyes of God, you never were given the benefit of making any free-will choice to be married, just conned and entrapped.
This is easily solved. Husband drops the boss perversion requirement. Wife loosens up at home. You have to work together in fulfilling each others sexual needs.
If my wife did not allow me to look at porn once in a while I would start demanding too much from her to please me. Its an unhealthy balance. We live in a porn saturated world and there is no escape for the eyes. A guy is going to get his in some way. Whether thats from his wife, another woman, computer, or TV.
If you are dealing with a guy who has had his fix his whole life then you are either going to need to let him keep doing that or you will have to provide some of what he is asking for. He is not just going to not doing anything anymore. If you are not ok with that then leave.
My wife and I watch porn together once a week. Its a Thursday night dating ritual we started 3 years ago. Our sex life has been twice as good since we started this.
The solution is either leave or be ok with him having porn in moderation it will take the pressure if you.