Childhood trauma is just now being realized
I grew up with 3 sisters. Ever since I can remember, my father used to touch me and my sisters inappropriately. I didn't really think anything of it. I thought it was just a weird Middle Eastern thing...showing that he wasn't grossed out by us, because we part of him, being his children. He would touch our butts and our crotches. It was always over our clothes.
I put it out of my mind and I didn't think of it as molestation. My mother new about it too, and she's American. She never did or said anything about it. I am just now remembering it at 27 years old and it's affecting me really badly. I don't know if he meant anything sexual about it and I'm just really confused. I told my husband about it yesterday.
I know if my husband ever did anything like that to my future children, I would kill him. I've had severe social problems, as well as anxiety and depression issues ever since I was little, and I'm wondering if subconsciously, this could be the cause. I'm also hoping/wondering if what my father did, could possibly be innocent and meaningless.
Such a break of trust by a parent is one of the hardest things to over come. I am 31, married with two kids, and was also sexually molested by my father. It wasn't every day or night, it was under clothes and about 4 instances. I tell myself since it wasn't everyday I had it better then other kids who have been sexually abused by parents and in a way yes I suffered less. I am giving you this background so hopefully you will take what I have to say to heart.
I am wondering if you have always remembered this and known something wasn't right? When I first started talking about my trama and wanting to deal with it I too tried to explain it down and say I didn't know if it was wrong or that I didn't fully remember. It saves you from having to really explain everything. And there is nothing wrong with that if it is part of a process of accepting what happened.
It's long and complicated story, but my mother found out when I was around 9, she asked me if it had happened I said yes. My father was kicked out of the house, but in a few months returned. no molestation happened after that, he tried once, I told him to stop or I would tell. He did. I share this as well because my relationship with my mother is very complicated because of it. As I am sure yours is. You mention she knew and did nothing. I blamed my mom instead of my dad, kind of dismissing what he did as he couldn't help it, but she could have. And she most definitely could have, but he was the monster.
It takes a long time and a lot of tears to get to where you can actually deal with the full situation and talk about it how it actually happened. I understand your hope that it was innocent. But looking at it through the eyes of an adult who knows, was it? If you feel comfortable talk to your sisters, hopefully one of them will be open and you might feel more comfortable talking about the whole situation.
I would also suggest therapy, this really helped me. A person who was not related to me at all I felt much more at ease with my feelings. Where I am at currently is my mom really messed up and it hurts. What we have to realize is our parents are human and weak. And that sucks. I have no contact with my father at all and my parents are divorced. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I knew my kids could never be near him. It has been hard as he has tried to contact me. I told him he was a child molester and he would have no more contact with me or my family. And if he tried I would report Jim, damn the consequences. I am just warning you if you start to really deal with this, instead of ignore it like your family, it gets very complicated. But aren't your future children's lives worth it?