Who is right, me or him?
My husband and I have a single female friend who, by her own admission,only sleeps with married men. We were at her house this weekend and my husband was outside grilling while the women were inside. The female friend went outside and down the steps with my husband. Later when I walked outside and over to the side of the upper deck, they were talking low (which is unlike either of them) and then she looked up and saw me and said ummm you have someone listening. They both stopped talking and changed the subject to involve me. I was a bit upset but husband says that I shouldn't be. What do you think?
Also wanted to say that he does anything she asks him to do around her house to help her out(hanging shelves, lights and pressure washing boat that we all use) while my house is falling apart. She owns and we rent but it would still be nice for some of the minor things at my home to be spruced up.
y wud u b friends with this ("clearing throat"
woman. she is always going to b a threat as it pertains to ur relationship. unfortunately it sounds as tho ur husband may have taken things too far, or is getting ready to.
Yeah I would be suspicious. Not necessarily of the conversation at the bbq, but that he is more then willing to help at her place, but does nothing at yours. Men tend to show they care by doing things, to me this would say he cares more then he should. The conversation they had could have been about anything, maybe he was confiding in her some sort of discord between the two of and wanting a women's perspective. It's not impossible for guys to have platonic friends who are girls. But if you are feeling that his attention and affection are more towards her then there's a problem.
Yes, I agree. That or, alternatively, perhaps - knowing this desperado's style, otherwise friends with her or not, superficially, he - when it comes to you and he - sees it that she's leaving herself open to being "fair dos" exploitable as a tool in a passive-aggressive little campaign to deliberately make you feel jealous and assume you should respond both feelings and acts-wise as if under threat.
Would he do that? If so - why? Have you ceased showing him attention and admiration? Has he ceased earning it but expects it anyway, for free, nowadays? Or have you ceased having to give him *constant* attention (because he's got an ego on him the size of a house thus would get off on seeing two women effectively fighting over him, even if he had no other point to his agenda)?
Reason I ask is because her choice of phrase was very telling. There are PLENTY of ways of communicating to someone that their wife is in danger of overhearing. There's that 'look' we all know about; in fact, there're a number of them, including just suddenly widening your eyes to signal alarm whilst mouthing the Shh! word with your lips (and deliberately and speedily darting your eyeballs to the danger and back again).... or doing a noticeable-to-him yet imperceptible-from-a-distance little shake of the head to say, No/stop!......LOADS of ways. She could even have SAID 'stop' or 'shh!'...IN A WHISPER! After all, it'd have been far briefer and sensible than her own, fuller sentance.
And as for the strictly verbal menu, there's the more commonly used one of JUST GOING SUDDENLY SCHTUM.....and/or the other much-used one of clearing your throat in that special, hammed-up way, and then, as soon as you, the 'crasher', say, 'What were you two just talking about?', making up some c*ck and bull story.... or the other, of just suddenly talking in a 'mid- or end of sentance' way about something else as if that'd been the original conversation all along.
What is she - THICK? Pff, I doubt it. She's a self-confessed player. You don't get to be one of THOSE if you don't know how to think and speak/act on your feet to whatever pops up without-warning!
Nah. I smell something fishy about that scene. ...Too many other ways, as I say...too many more INTELLIGENT things one could plump for than 'you have someone listening' when, by the sounds of it, ANY idiot would have known she had to mean you. Yet..."Ov awll the phrashjesh in awll the woyld" - what does SHE say? Something incendiary: Ummm, you have someone listening.
Who ELSE could it have been, to have warranted use of the word 'someone'? It was you approaching, she saw it was you, knows who you are even IF she supposedly can't just say 'Your wife's listening' (or even lop off the 'your' so as to get it out faster). AGAIN, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO WHISPERING!....on which note - since you could hear/were permitted to hear, anyway, what was the POINT of saying 'someone'? Why not just plain 'she's [listening]', even?
PS: Also, if in that type of setting you're going to gossip about someone in ways that could upset, one would be wise to face all the approach points in order to have early warning of such SO THAT you can't catch any of the actual conversation.
See what I mean? Plus, that sort of incident is fairly common (sadly).
Me, I think at that split second she took the opportunity to use the word 'someone' as if to deliberately slip in the implication that you're nobody special, either in his eyes or her own (or, by inference, them both).... lacking in befitting and rightful status in both their eyes.
If this is the case then it could well be that he was talking about you or you and he (using her, as per, as a sounding-board for his woes or quandries?), not she and he as in a secret relationship, but, what with her stock, stupidly posturing self-confession about how she dates only married men, as signifies an attempt to advertise herself as a romantically and sexually self-assured tough-nut, I'd say it were pretty obvious that the complete opposite is the truer case, that this woman has a shrivelled ego and self-image that need constant pumping up so tries to use taken men as a way to say to quite a number or few *choice* women, 'See? I'm more desirable than you, so stick THAT in yer pipe...! I could have your man if I wanted, mleugh!'. Trust me, I know the type. They're not happy unless making other women jealous (behaviour they can easily identify) because it's jealousy and its degree by which they tend to most easily (lazily) measure their own (they think) self-worth. (Mickey Mouse Money worth, more like.) Plus, not liking other women/a certain type or status of woman, anyway - what's there to lose if they all fear and loathe her when there are still the men to be 'popular' among?.
So it *could* be that he were using her as usual as his personal, free-of-charge (well, not per se, given he's pre-paid with all the DIY work, note-note-note!) sounding board. But even so - no, I agree, she's hardly going to want to be helpful in that area and way, is she, so what would be the point (unless he tends not to think things like this through?).
Best just to check, but - your birthday or some other occasion isn't approaching, is it? I'm wondering if his conversation were entirely innocent (what pressie to buy...surprise party, that sort of thing) or at least nothing to do with you that personally, but that Little Miss 'Steal a chunk of your ego 'cos I can't be a*sed to seek proper food for my own' just saw her chance to see yet another woman feel threatened and sexually/mentally/aesthetically inferior to her. In other words, yes, he's enjoying being needed and depended on to that degree, replete with (I'll bet) over-fawning thanks that make him feel big and manly (and her delicate and feminine), playing the hero/knight in shining armour, but, other than that is a bit of a naive tw*t where female-to-female psychological warfare strategies and tactics are concerned (and/or doesn't care about that bit, anyway?).
So the question is over whether this is [a] stupidity, ignorance and naivete on his part (as he took benefit of yet another opportunity to whinge or offload...and because, anyway, they have no other conversational topic, not having much in common, perhaps) or [b] a lazy, lowest-hassle and -effort way to get you to sit up and pay better attention (or over-attention again or merely just the type HE'D rather get as opposed to the type you tend to want to give) or [c] an affair that's become so long-running and taken for granted by now that they've started getting over-confident to point of becoming careless and blase?
Which do you, hand-on-heart, think?
But personally, methinks they were far too obvious for that. I definitely smell ham-acting. Not by a HUGE degree - just 'noticeably'. But I have an incredibly sensitive nosie for these things.
What else makes me suspicious is this: presumably, they could have had this delicate discussion on plenty of other occasions. So why 'now' when there's a chance you'll see (suspicious body-language) or walk in on and overhear?
Yep, I think there's a tacit deal underway: he wants to bother you to gain attention, while she wants to bother you because if she can make you feel small and scared then that means she's 'still got it!' (plus is envious of you), but that these separate agendas of theirs are beautifully compatible, ergo... as you saw.
But whatever/whichever. You shouldn't be IN this horrid, insecure-making situation in the first place. First, what on earth does he think is so acceptable about him, a married man, cavorting with a single, available, let ALONE known-to-be-constantly-cruising (and up for it) female without your full consent or presence each and every time, anyway?! I agree: given that he knows FULL WELL what she freely and willingly broadcasts about herself where too many decent women *wouldn't dare* or just plain wouldn't (as would have *any* woman on their guard and feeling uncomfortable around her...and same for men were the roles reversed), then, he if he's *not* actually emotionally or sexually embroiled with her, he should care far more about ceasing a habit and behaviour that upsets you and threatens his marriage, or short *and* long-term health of, than getting to be around Miss Supposedly Unimportant (in real terms) on a one-to-one basis. So you're going to have to put your put down and remind him that he's supposed to be your protector from the 'monster under the bed', not the monster his very self.
And now to the DIY in the face of a growing home workload: NOT ON! It's too passive-aggressive for my liking.
I think he's resentful and, maybe not originally *trying* to needle you but got an initial reaction, liked it, and wanted more of it. Whether he has any right to be is another kettle of fish entirely, which only you'd know.
Married woman should never allow single females around their husbands,especially those who admits they only *f**K married men.
Her comment "someone is listening" should not be dismissed as "nothing to worry about.
You say "he does Anything she asks of him around her house yet neglects his own home" Reminds me of the saying "Find a fool bump its head" so if you are being played a fool its time to stop bumping your head for new rules and boundaries'
Ultimatum: To your husband- No more contact and being in her company without you. He is no longer her handyman. Did you ask him what were they discussing?
To Her: Be up front and clear- Remind her that you did not appreciate over hearing her conversation w/your husband, so to avoid any misunderstandings no communicating directly with your husband. Also she'll need to get another handyman.
Except nothing but full compliance- Keep in touch:0)
PS: See how he reacts when you give him a "Honey Do List"
friendship can happen between different type of people and just because your female friend is looking out for married men, she might be a very good friend of your husband. I would suggest you to confront your husband directly and tell him all about your doubts.
A single woman who makes it know she only dates married men can't be trusted around anybody's husband (Let's not fool ourselves). I still suggest you inform your husband of the the New House Rules.
Agree with SK (what a surprise, LOL). And it's all the worse for the fact that he's doing her To Do list in favour of yours when you and yours and his home are supposed to be his first port of call. He's basically behaving like he's *her* husband. As for her though - think about what a cushy deal she's got, imagine how many hundreds of pounds (or is it more?!) she'd have had to have shelled out if she'd hired a handyman 'from cold'. Not bad for a bit of regular ego-massaging, eh! Yeah, she knows what she's doing, alright. She's hoodwinking him (and possibly getting to make you feel 'less than' into the bargain).
However, you have, until this late point, been *letting him*. And that's the trouble with putting things off; they don't go away, just sit there in the corner getting bigger and bigger until they're harder to deal with.
Still, better late than never.
Keep us posted.
...Put it this way, AtALossSometimes: would YOU, if you had a new lover (if you were the type, obviously), waste almost all of what woefully little, snatched and hurried time the two of you had together making him do DIY work? Saying that, that does depend on whether you know for a fact that he's done this/that job or repair, but - if you do then I'd say it's pretty obvious that they're *not* lovers and he just likes the attention and getting to feel like the big hero and she likes getting home improvements for free (bar a bit of lending her ear and making sympathetic noises along with the "ooh-I'm-so-impressed, aren't you clever!" ones).
I don't like the idea that you guys are actually sharing a friend...
So,she only gets intimate with married men?
and your husband is married!!!
There are high possiblilities that she can easily persue him
I don't trust her...
And as for acting manly to her"single lady" such disrespect that he can't even serve the same duty at his own home
keep her away from your hubby
Be open and upfront about this whole situation to your husband