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Surely not again

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Relationship advice Surely it's not me this time?
Things have been pretty good and stable for quite a while – but!

Last Thursday I said I would cook dinner for Sunday and had a magazine recipe. I asked C to check it and she said fine and I asked her to get one or two ingredients on the next shop. I have taken to cooking the odd meal now and then and so far all been good and well received but it's easy and slow cooking stuff.

Saturday night during a good fish meal, she told me “we” would change the recipe/method because it was chicken, we would use the oven not the frying pan as per the instructions which I follow to the letter, not being a natural in the cooking department. The change was her preference for getting the meat cooked through properly.

We'd had our usual aperitifs pre-dinner - Me two dbl G&Ts, C about half a bottle of white wine.

I washed up as usual, thinking about what she had said. As she went from the kitchen she admitted she felt quite tiddly. I went to the lounge to relax, carrying the remains of a second bottle of white wine we had equally shared at dinner to join her watching telly, stating that I would stick to the recipe. C told me she would prefer to use the oven for the meat cooking. I said it was my idea I would stick to the recipe. She said it wouldn't be cooked properly. I replied that the recipe was written by two chefs and I would follow everything, therefore surely the method would not kill us. I would ask for her help with determining some herbs and spices and on which pan to use.

Off she went.

Hell of a row and she stormed off to bed.

Morning came and Sunday proceeded well with no moods or tantrums/repercussions and we both enjoyed the whole day, she helped me with what I asked for and the meal was praised, we must have it again. She even suggested a pasta to go with it, which I hadn't thought of and the recipe didn't so she did that and it all came together. Step forward to last night Monday.

Our usual Monday evening out with a gang of people we all know well including some close friends, our age. C drives Monday due to a previous arrangement several years ago. I had 3 pints of strong ale and was in a good mood. In the old days I would have had 6 and then be pissed, but I can't take it now.

Back home she cooked the usual snack. Our daughter is getting married in a few months, so it's all go. I asked about the cake C has promised to make for the occasion. I am interested being the proud dad and also of a curious nature as we had been loaned a cake baking box.
I asked did B our daughter specify the size, tiers and decoration.
It is our girl's and I am. I seem to be left out of things.
There was a hiccup about hotel room times so I asked if that had worked out
For instance what's happening about the car for B and I.

Off she went to bed in a steaming temper.

I went to bed and continued the innocent queries.
She stormed off to the guest room. I followed.
Just sit down and we can talk.
C tried to get past me but the space was too small. I let her by and we went to bed and carried on.
I had absolutely no intentions of that and pointedly refuted such.
Any more I could say was ignored so I decided on sleep. She read a book as usual.
As she put the light out, I had had long worried thoughts and told C I had not idea I had acted that way and apologised - silence.

This morning I stirred the cake mix as requested yesterday and C said we must talk. We did. She was worried about plnned holidays, the day of the wedding if I was pissed again. I replied that I was in the same state as she got tipsy. That was greeted with a laugh. Ok we stop drinking I suggested.
So I stop and you don't
I laughed and walked away.

We have done our usual Tuesday things, had lunch and I said lets come to some agreement, so we have
I will watch my drinking and behaviour.

Is it all me this time???????????

Surely not again

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A daughter's wedding is not a good time for a sanity check on a relationship.

Can you smile and just wear beige for a few days? (In other words, stay out of the way and wait to be asked to do things)

Just my opinion.

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Alright stranger?! :-)

Yes, I agree. It'll be the tension and nature of. MAINLY. Because I think this tension, when added to the overwork of the committee and her cancerous friend (and whatever else) has tipped her scales in terms of being unable to keep a thing in...the 'thing' being (which I admit I've been waiting for), her suddenly noticing she's almost redundant/feeling a bit useless when it comes to the homestead (and her daughter being about to become a bona-fide wife would make her take stock of her own wifeliness), hence her trying to wrest back her prior 'head chef' status with her insistent suggestions.

Basically that whole conversation boils down to this: I know better / No you don't, not any more / Of course I do, I'm the woman, I've been cooking FAR longer than you / Most of the best, most naturally-talented chefs are men (men-men-men-men-men!) / I hate you / WTF have *I* done? / Shoved my nose in a truth I don't like; stopped me from finishing my much-needed vent [you refused to engage for most of it, note]; PLUS not let me 'go first' like would a gentleman..... so now I'm going to sulk / Hic! (;-D).

So - was it all you? No. Was it you unawares and, thanks to the booze, incapable of picking up on what might secretly be behind her strange assertions and insistences at the time? Yes. But you *were* too "two sheets to the wind" to spot such subtle clues and cues, and not a mind-reader. So obviously, she either wasn't aware herself of what her true beef/stress was linked to (and needed the barnie to 'hear herself' and gain clarity that way), or is aware but either can't articulate it to you or thinks to do so would make her look petty, etc. She might also fear that when it comes to any cooking for the wedding, you'll automatically get 'first dibs' whereas it's her daughter as well and what's expected of the mother, not father, unless the mum wants to seem 'non-mumly' to the gathered crowd, etc.? E.g., 'So who made the cake and X, Y, Z?' / 'C's husband did.' / OH! [thinks, wouldn't the *mum* want to?...why didn't she?...]

The 'pissed bit' was mainly just her having a dig because you'd aced her the night before. AS IF you'd let yourself be out of it or not in enough control on such an important day (tsk!). But, saying that, IT'S A WEDDING RECEPTION. As long as we weren't talking 'paraletic', shouldn't you be allowed to get tiddly at some point?

It's never 'all you' or 'all her', anyway. One can act but what stems from it being capable of going anywhere relies on the recipient's nature of response, especially when you're a team. So you BOTH were silly under the influence and Morning After ickiness (and C's not communicating properly and fully again...albeit just in this stressy instance).

But, blimey - if THAT'S the only thing that's happened since you last posted then you're clearly doing very well, the pair of you! ...although, I guess that would just make *any, even fleeting* acrimony feel worse than it used to when a regular occurrence, yes, via courtesy of contrast to the new-and-improved status quo and lack of constant numbness?

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Thanks for the wise words SusieDQQ. Beige is not really my colour although many old gits do shuffle into it a lot.

Thanks too Oh Font of all Knowledge and spinner of words that got me straight.

I don't intend to take on full scale catering to poison folks and I don't think C is thinking that way.
The rows were very heated and she is blaming my medication, so WE are seeing my doctor late June, but I'm only on a blood thinner,a Statin having had that stroke and Prozac. Maybe, who knows?

As far as me being aggresive in actions, that's just not me, I would never harm her and I am certain she is seeing that way because of what you mention about her friend, forthcoming wedding, the huge load she has had with committee unrest, here we go again, 12 women on the comm.

Interesting prog on Beeb last night about booze effects we both viewed and commented in agreement. We are not alkies and I am conserably drinking less beer and weaker brews too. Now being diabetic (no meds) I have to monitor all sorts of things and booze is one. I know I can't hack it any more so the reception will be non-problematic. C does still knock back her large glasses of wine and get tipsy - we will see. She is out now at a restaurant for 8 ladies wot lunch, a 70th B/day of two ex workcolleagues and I took 3 of them there and will pick or scrape them up when they call - TAXI!!!!

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Very heated? *Shrug* - didn't sound that heated to me?

Who said you were aggressive? Didn't sound aggressive, either. Just 'niggly'. You let her pass you, etc., didn't you? Well, then. Why - did SHE say you were aggressive? Nah. If she did, she's just doing her usual tack of trying to justify herself and her little strop fest.

Sorry about your diabetes. What a drag. :-( Have you tried Kalibre? Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, it's good enough to get you psychosomatically p*ssed. Nice tasting, too. Same goes for Iceberg wine.

(PS: Scrape them up - ha-ha! Don't forget to turn your meter on, will you. If they're that p*ssed when you pick them up, they'd probably pay it. ;-))

Anyway, it was just a stress fest and a great excuse to get angry, as far as I can tell. Bet you any money you like, late June will come and go without any more mention about it.

How are the art sales going?

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Thanks for your ongoing chins up.

I have tried Kalibre years back, might fall back on it, then I'll have to be scraped up! When I first read that, I thought it was some medi.

The ladies took ages to say goodbye - as usual.

C I think is being very careful too, so heres hoping.

Art Sales zilch (not bothered now) because I am not exhibiting but also because I am painting nearly every day and stacking up I am giving them away. I am toying with the idea of an open sale, low prices, make me an offer, press item, signs outside the house.

Big kick in the teeth yesteday being asked to stand down from my committee role, because some members have objected being in my presence because of my sentence - after all this time? I resigned from the group. I will miss it except for one of the most unlikeable, unhelpful and bitter women I have ever met. Still painting.

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Oh, she's DOING "sorry" instead of saying it, is she? There you go, then.

You talking art yard sale? What an excellent idea!

More to the psychological point, though - what IS all of this that is literally pouring out of you lately via paintbrush and canvas? No wonder you don't mind the thought of giving its product away for free. It's obviously unwanted baggage.

Is it? Are these paintings different to your usual style? How? Had you noticed or is my here-and-now asking the first time you've thought about it?

Ref the committee: Tsk. FFS. Get a life, can't you, silly little suburbans with too little else to worry about!

Oh well - their loss. Maybe it's a sign it's time to move onwards and upwards from the sort of stuffed-shirt crap that scene belongs to?

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Art yard sale maybe.
The activity at the easel is my way of burying the past and because I can't do as much physically now. C is accepting that.
The work is very different to my usual or ex-style and that is down to the stroke I think.It is odd but it has happened and I am enjoying exploring new stuff.

This an extraction of the Chairs' letter to me after I, in a letter, stated my situation,concerns, reasons and thoughts about some of their attitudes to take this action

*****It is impossible to imagine the guilt and shame that you must have experienced after your misdemeanours became public, and we have since understood that you clearly expressed shame and remorse over your activities. It is however possible to appreciate that the sentence that was handed down to you at the time was nothing compared with the difficulties you may have experienced on a daily basis ever since with your family, friends, acquaintances, and social circle.

As a committee we were very pleased when you volunteered to take on the job of programme secretary, and you have put a lot of energy and enthusiasm into this position, for which would like to thank you.

Despite it being in the public domain at the time of the event, only relatively recently did your history become apparent, and that was discussed only among a handful of members on the committee, rather than all members, as we wished to respect your privacy as far as possible. It is clearly understood that it is for the judicial system to decide how to act against people who have transgressed against the law, and after that it is for society to embrace transgressors provided they present no threat to them, and in your case it was clear that you did not. We did not see any reason why it should affect your membership of the club or your position on the committee, however circumstances have changed since that decision was taken. As was explained yesterday, our club is slightly different since the majority of members are female and their What bullshit
Get this.... """It was unfortunate for you that some committee members had direct personal experience in this area, and that some of those had discomfort in your company as a result, and this was beginning to upset the harmony and smooth running of the committee.""" It was this reason that we considered that your continuation on the committee had become untenable which was why you were asked to resign.

On reflection you may have come to see that your continued participation in all the club’s activities could present some difficulties, since interaction with the same club members with sensitivities would still occur. It was for this reason that you were asked to consider not attending courses or Saturday afternoon events.***

I am still participating in a seperate group where I am sure the one member who nailed me will attend. That will be interesting! Sort of in her face. I do know that she has kept the press cutting of my offence as she showed it to the rest of them. As I said it is unconnected and if I was asked to leave that it would be very obvious and I could possibly have a go face to face.

I have had some very encouraging sympathetic correspondence from two of the members.

Been swimming this morning and we have always said how exercise gives you a lift. Will be knackered tomorrow as more swimming at a big leisure pool with our very aquatic grand daughter.

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An odd but intriguing episode at the local earlier this week. Bear in mind we are aout 200 yds from it, it is by no means a place we visit frequently but of course we do go in and N the young bro of the landlord D is very friendly as I take great interest in his out of pub job. I'm not sure he's ever known my name, just chatting.

The bloke from down the terrace at No 4 is regular each day, I have told you about him and her!! Has he spread gossip? Don't know. The landlord has never been a welcoming bloke in the 20 years he's been there, shouldn't be in the role. I came across him strolling last week and I spoke, he acknowledged my innocent query and markedly quickened his pace. I let him go on.

This week in the pub, he, his wife and the bro all spoke to me using my name. I was stunned - pleased and mystified. I have only met her across the bar and never exchanged names, so why her and D and N suddenly using my name in pleasant conversation?? Very odd I call it.

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I see. Some woman had a near-miss or what she took to be a near-miss, as has left her over-sensitive and paranoid. And because she's the one that bakes the oh-so-important cakes or whatever, she's done a 'him or me!'...and they've chosen THE CAKES. And in order to justify their petty decision, they're dragging up an event from your past that you weren't even guilty of and didn't even deserve to feel shame and remorse over, meaning, hung, drawn and quartered without a trial all over again. For cakes.

Don't worry about it, they've done you a favour. These were obviously a gaggle of small-minded, over-sheltered suburbans who were (albeit with your acquiesence via inactivity) keeping hold of your ankle on that upwards staircase. Now they've let go, you're free to take another step up. And remember, UNTIL you've arrived at that next step you haven't a CLUE who or what are on it. Tenner says you'll say, thank GOD they released me or else X, Y, Z wouldn't have been able to 'walk in'.

As for the other 'separate' group: clearly not separate ENOUGH if she's part of it. Dump the sub-duds, as silently as possible (this is the sort of situation where silence is Golden). Leave they and she to their 'goes around'.

The landlord just sounds like your typical loner/socially awkward type who manages a pub purely because he loves booze and the pub atmosphere (you do find this with pubs - landlord either very friendly and chatty or the distinct opposite and deemed 'difficult and stand-off-ish'). That'll be why his younger bro makes such an effort to compensate for him for everyone and/or maybe why the landlord roped him in to doing shifts in the first place ('you talk to the customers, I can't be a*sed, would rather just change the barrels, etc.'). But on that particular day, you caught him at a wrong moment, in a hurry to get somewhere.... obviously an incident he mentioned in passing to bro and wife which he then got more closely questioned about then ticked-off over, for how it must have looked to you, their valued regular. Hence the special effort next time you visited.

So that's, occupants on Step X finally letting go of your ankle and, logically-commensurately, occupants on Step Y taking hold of your hand to help and welcome you up onto it. Otherwise known as, When one door closes another opens. :-)

....And aaall be-caauuuse Mrs Kipling *does* make...ex-ceeeedingly good cakes. LOL

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My crime - I was guilty of but I am not a danger to these women. I am finished with them, their loss as I did a lot for them.

I am not going to forsake the other group as it's an important part of my art networking and if she does create an issue I don't believe she has any sway, I will leave them, otherwise ignore her.

I have sourced another group and will see what they're about from art and friendliness.

Pub thing I'm not sure you're right, but it's an explanation, but will carry on and occasionally pop in.

2 days swimming this week, go and fun.

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Oh, I didn't realise it was an art group. Still, if you're prepared in your mind to walk away from that as well, *if* ever necessary, that's good because having identified an emergency exit will take the pressure out of the situation and allow you to laugh at it (and her).

I am NOT going to get into another bleedin' debate over whether you were innocent or guilty, mush. :-p As far as I'm concerned, we already long ago established that you, figuratively-speaking, got done for bank-robbing just because you were found in possession of a firearm *which* you weren't even ever intending to load and fire, but even *if* you had been, you've done your time *and then some* (public tarring & feathering and humiliation). So - let's not go over old ground for the Nth time (ya, vull?).

Have you painted any fine or abstract public swimming-pool scenes yet? ...Like running, heavy petting, using inflatables, smoking...that sort of thing? LOL

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Can't find another art group at present where the gossip won't have spread, but hey I can do my own thing and will.
ya vull!
no swimming masterpieces yet, running yes, petting doodles many years back not for public view, none of the others
Just given up on tonight's Wollander, now tidying the computer.
Never know when plod will turn up but nothing for them to find.

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"but hey I can do my own thing and will."

Good for you! That's the spirit - start your *own* club!


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Bin away in the caravan since Tuesday, now home. Great weather, time and no mishaps between us.

Too many clubs in the area I reckon.

Am thinking about a couple of weeks taking a stand at an openair ex at the seaside, which I did 5 years ago very successfully and proved good graic, sales and networking.

Just seen in local press, big splurge and photo of an acquaintance who has been done on same but more involved and long term crime as me. Total surprise - he is a leading churchman, charity worker, neighbourhood figurehead, ex senior officer. Normally see him once a week. We all know he has a girlfriend, he says purely friendship, not sex can't think of the word - and she is a real prim married scots woman. His wife is very frail.

C knew all about him, through his daughter contacting B our daughter just to discuss how she handled it.

C and B left it to see if it was in the press first. It was bound to be, so I will discuss with B. C and I already talked about it today.


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Open-air exhibition at the seaside? What a cool idea! (Psst! Don't say where it is.)

Re that bloke you know.... yes... power (when combined with position of trust and easy access) is a great way-paver (just ask Jimmy Saville) (never liked him, he always creeped me out despite at the time I couldn't put my finger on why).

PS: MISTRESS, you mean. And I'm not surprised if his wife is frail. Who wouldn't be, having to live with that 'creeped-out' feeling and conscience-pricker day-in-day-out.

Ta for the breaking news! :-D

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That bloke - it's who you know. He got off very lightly considering, much more complicated, planned and secretive than mine.He's got contacts, awards etc. B is furious about that. Might see him tonight. I hope he is as accepted as I have been in the usual gang of fifty or so, even though some people know. PLATONIC was the word. Wife has Parkinsons.

Won't post in here where arty thing is if I book it. Certain people will get to know and still remain anon!!

Great news - my drinking buddy is a grand dad for 1st time.


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The bloke *I* know?? Que?

PS: "Grannn-dad!...Grannn-dad!...We-love you!....That's-wot-we all-THINK-OF YOOOOOOOOOU". Remember that one?....on 'Top of The Flops'? and your telly remote-control throwing arm? (...or was that just me?) Sing that at him every time you see him, go on, LOL.

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It's an old saying when judgments/decisions are made "It's not what you know, it's who you know"

Had quite a chat with him last night and he was comforted in a way that I approached him. Too new but he seemed to be accepted in the gang as I was but early days and he's quite apprehensive.
He has waited 14 months for sentencing. I thought he might like to talk at length later, we'll see.
C quite doubtful about me approaching him and asked me not to, but I felt it right thing to do. No issues emanated.

Grandad coming from abroad this w/end to see the young'un so we will no doubt piss him off by singing.

Have made booking for arty thing.

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OHHH! Snot what you know, Sue you know.

Erm...... I get WHY you'd feel the need to approach him, and appreciate its innocuousness, but I can see C's point. That and the fact she asked you specifically *not* to...? Uh-oh, jungo, it's Danger Island! Don't come running to *meeee* when in months from now, by which time you'll not have a clue why, she metaphorically whacks you over the bonce with the frying paaaan.

"Grandad coming from abroad this w/end to see the young'un so we will no doubt piss him off by singing."

LOL. But what about his wife? "Grand-maaaaa wee love yoooou, Grand-maaaa, we dooooo"?

Hope you make lots of spondoolichs on your stand thing at the arty thing selling your arty stuff. PS: You forgot to describe in what ways your new stuff differs from your old?

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I feel that things happen after sentencing which took me by surprise, plus rections. It will be quite rare I think that two persons with similar situations will contact, it is a pure coincidence that we are in the same group.
C still says don't but I do trust my later, wiser and more empathetic judgement, hence the easy time we have since my vists here before.
Grandma and Ma are not married, been together for years, so she is not theoratically related.
My website whilst not specific does show the difference.

I saw the suspected woman yesterday who turned me in at the art club. She is in this other group which I am not leaving. She very purposely avoided being anywhere near me, never saw her again. All others OK, including one of the committee from the art club who is nice as pie.

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Moody, the issue is not whether you trust your judgement of this situation over hers. The issue is the fact that this already long put-upon woman and all who stemmed from her were at one, protracted point (the point that mattered most) the ONLY people you could really count on in the full sense of the word, not to abandon you - quite the opposite - when your social circle had more or less hung, drawn and quartered you without a trial.

Know which side your bread is buttered on, Moodster. Just as sometimes it's not what you know, it's who you know - it's not always what has to be done, it's equally WHO it has to be done to and in what order. Women demand loyalty from and to be shown to be top priority in the eyes of their 'rock' (rock goes both ways). And if they see they're not getting it - ESPECIALLY when they themselves are still in the midst of having given YOU that courtesy and proof of love, admiration and respect - then you're leaving yourself wide open to storing up trouble for later.

That's all I'm saying. Make your choices but DON'T do it if you aren't aware of all the potential consequences or their durability.

I, personally? WOULDN'T. I would wait. I would wait until it's "her" idea or she gets used to the idea and ceases to mind so much. Meantime, let this man's proof of what or who he is DEMONSTRATE itself via his own wife and family seeing it that they have the onus to respond toward him as C and the mini-Cs did to you. Give them that chance, that right, that PRIVILEGE. You're not his wife and family. Get thy a*se in the queue.

You say you think I'm wise so - at least give what I'm saying proper consideration. Look BOTH WAYS before you leap, in other words, yeah?

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You're right - yeah
Can assure you not slipping back to old ways after you sorted me out.

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